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A Bad Sexual Encounter Reaffirmed My Faith In Finding The One
Recently, I slightly broke my celibacy rule by almost engaging in a random hookup. It's as if the universe had to teach me one last lesson for me to realize that my divine counterpart will be signed, sealed, and delivered to me, and not the other way around. For the last several weeks, I have been experiencing a heightened sense of my future lover nearing closer. After writing a letter to my future soulmate, the energy between us has amplified. I have been receiving signs and synchronicities left and right, including lucid dreams and angel numbers 222 and 333.
One day a couple weeks ago, it was nonstop.
That day, I met up with my sister for dinner, and I spotted this fine, locs-wearing man with a milk chocolate complexion and a caramel swirl skin undertone. He had a slim muscular model build, and soft brown eyes. He looked my way, and our eyes locked. I couldn't help noticing him, noticing me, notice him. Later on, he had an older friend join him. I'm not the type to hit on every attractive man I see, but part of me thought that maybe I was meant to meet him because of the heavy energies I had been feeling. I went back and forth with my sister about whether I should leave him with my card. By the end of our dinner, I decided to be slick and leave my card on the table near his plate while he went to the restroom and his friend was on a phone call outside.
As my sister and I paid and walked out, the older friend tried to smooth talk us into staying, and having a drink with him and Mister Locs. Though I was intrigued by his offer, I also didn't want to have to entertain him and the look on my boo'd up sister's face was as if she were already over it! In order to catalyze the end of this conversation, I let him know that I left my business card on the table, and maybe next time. This quickly shortened the smooth talk and we went our separate ways. A few moments later, the older friend yelled out from across the street, and mouthed, "I need this, I'll call you," (referring to my tarot healing service on my business card.)
I awkwardly smiled, then cursed inwardly, realizing that my plan failed and now the short thirsty friend thought the card was for him! I became anxious over whether or not the guy I had been eyeing would be the one to get the card, or if his friend would be a player hater and keep it. Once my sister and I got in, we laughed about the mix up, as I resentfully wished we had gone back. Minutes later, I received a text inviting us back out. I awkwardly discovered that the guy who the card was meant for was the one who received it! Hyped, I puppy dog-eyed my sis for us to go meet them. Reluctantly, she gave in, though she was highly annoyed that she'd have to entertain the thirsty one.
We met up and found the two guys there, and they ordered the table another round of drinks. 30 minutes in, my sister's eyeballs were in a constant state of rolling, and mine we're in a constant state of staring into my guy's beautiful, magic carpet ass eyes. We really were connecting. In retrospect, I'm absolutely salty because this guy surely threw me for a loop! He seemed smart, woke, and down to earth. Though there were a few little red flags in our conversation, like an amateur, I surely overlooked them.
By the end of our rendezvous, I made a uncharacteristic choice to go chill at his house, and this is when the twilight zone begun. I did not expect that we'd get intimate right away, especially because my celibacy rule was still in place and my sacral garden of Eden was due for landscaping. I honestly wanted to chill, and learn more about him.
The first red flag was when he ordered an Uber, and forgot to put in two riders. I should have hightailed it right then and there, but I was still enamored. We ended up walking to his house, which was not very far away. As soon as I walked into his room, it reminded me of my ex boyfriend of five years, from our college days. Second red flag. I don't want to be judgmental, but it did not give me "grown man" vibes.
In this moment, he begin to change his tune. He put on some Bob Marley (of course,) and offered me a Modelo. I thought we were going to continue our engaging conversation, until I realized he was giving me the eyes. He went to retrieve the Modelo, and came back with a half empty but chilled bottle of Hennessy, and in my mind I knew that he was trying to get things moving, as he took a healthy swig.
For a few minutes, there were crickets in my ear until he offered to give me a massage. As I gave him a smirk, I noticed that he already had a golden condom sitting on the side table. Third red flag! I quickly scolded him and sheepishly, he moved the condom aside, as if I didn't just see it sitting there. I really should have just gotten up then and there because I knew where this was going, and I wasn't ready. Still, I thought, A massage would be nice...
Wrong! After taking my shirt off and lying down for a massage, he disrespectfully damn near spilled half the jar of coconut oil on my back, staining my biker shorts. His technique was all wrong, and as I lied on my stomach, feeling like a wet seal, I turned my head to the left and noticed that, the boy had drunk more than half of my Modelo! It was straight out of a comedy!
I rose up from lying down as he began to softly kiss my neck. For about five seconds, I indulged and he started unbuckling his belt. I stopped him and told him I had to use the bathroom. Out of nowhere, his male roommate popped out of the restroom and startled me. I clutched the towel closer to my chest, making sure I was covered as Mister Locs yelled out, "It's okay, he's gay!"
Once I got into the bathroom, I had an Issa Rae moment as I looked into my reflection in the mirror, wondering what the fuck I was doing! I scoffed at the coconut oil stain on my shorts, and I was annoyed that he unwarrantedly yelled out the sexual orientation of his roommate, as if it mattered! I had decided that I needed to leave in that moment.
As I went back into his room, he was back at his mission to seduce me. My muscles began to soften, and my common sense began to check out. Had it been that long of me not getting any action, that I was this weak?!
One thing led to another, and we were both naked.
All throughout the foreplay, which greatly consisted of me trying to get his "Hennessy dick up, my mind was fighting with my body. His body felt good against mine, even though his package wasn't fully erect. I fantasized about doing this with someone who meant more to me. I closed my eyes and pretended he was my future lover.
He put his wack ass Lifestyle condom on, and in what seemed like a 1-2 motion, he flipped me over, and penetrated me from behind. His uncircumcised penis wasn't even at full attention, and nothing is worse than a hasty snack, with a semi-soft Johnson, attempting to show me what he's made of. After 30 lackluster seconds, I pushed him out and away from me, and he removed the condom. This was the very definition of bad sex.
How could someone so fine be so inadequate?
I refused to be a sexual object. The whole reason I chose to be celibate to begin with was to avoid mixing my energy with a low frequency man only looking to sexually dominate me. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? This man had completely flipped the switch, and revealed his true colors. As I told him I changed my mind, and that I didn't want to have sex, he began to beg. He wanted to enter me raw, and promised he'd pull out, and he said the condom was keeping him from getting up. I couldn't believe it! What was this, high school? I started busting out laughing. Was he serious?
We exchanged a few empty words, I ordered a Lyft, and I left his apartment.
I sat in the car silently. I made the call not to beat myself up. I know that I'm lucky that the situation didn't turn into a dangerous experience. I know that I made conscious decisions putting myself in his room, but the minute I said, "No," I had made it clear what my decision was. As I backtracked the whole experience, it amazed me how he became an entirely different person, and I didn't heed the undeniable red flags right away.
I knew the man that I'll eventually allow into my sacred body will be a grown, experienced man, who is authentic, healed, awakened, romantic, has his OWN place, respects me for what makes my soul special, and definitely would never break out the Henny, offer me a cheap Modelo, and then drink it all!
I wanted to connect. I wanted wine, oldies + goodies, hors d'oeuvres, and conversation.
I wanted more than physical intimacy.
I missed being held. I wanted to hold another person.
I wanted him to be the person my heart has been feeling...but he wasn't it.
What this experience has taught me was that, like anything else in my life, what is mine will be mine. I am not supposed to force anything. The universe tried to intervene with the business card mix up, but I didn't listen, and I learned the hard way
.I will never again allow the desire to spiritually connect to a man in a sexual way go as far as it did if he doesn't savor the essence of my spirit before gaining access to my body. Then and there, I reasserted my vow to be celibate until the universe sends me my divine counterpart.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
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Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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