Recently, I slightly broke my celibacy rule by almost engaging in a random hookup. It's as if the universe had to teach me one last lesson for me to realize that my divine counterpart will be signed, sealed, and delivered to me, and not the other way around. For the last several weeks, I have been experiencing a heightened sense of my future lover nearing closer. After writing a letter to my future soulmate, the energy between us has amplified. I have been receiving signs and synchronicities left and right, including lucid dreams and angel numbers 222 and 333.
One day a couple weeks ago, it was nonstop.
That day, I met up with my sister for dinner, and I spotted this fine, locs-wearing man with a milk chocolate complexion and a caramel swirl skin undertone. He had a slim muscular model build, and soft brown eyes. He looked my way, and our eyes locked. I couldn't help noticing him, noticing me, notice him. Later on, he had an older friend join him. I'm not the type to hit on every attractive man I see, but part of me thought that maybe I was meant to meet him because of the heavy energies I had been feeling. I went back and forth with my sister about whether I should leave him with my card. By the end of our dinner, I decided to be slick and leave my card on the table near his plate while he went to the restroom and his friend was on a phone call outside.
As my sister and I paid and walked out, the older friend tried to smooth talk us into staying, and having a drink with him and Mister Locs. Though I was intrigued by his offer, I also didn't want to have to entertain him and the look on my boo'd up sister's face was as if she were already over it! In order to catalyze the end of this conversation, I let him know that I left my business card on the table, and maybe next time. This quickly shortened the smooth talk and we went our separate ways. A few moments later, the older friend yelled out from across the street, and mouthed, "I need this, I'll call you," (referring to my tarot healing service on my business card.)
I awkwardly smiled, then cursed inwardly, realizing that my plan failed and now the short thirsty friend thought the card was for him! I became anxious over whether or not the guy I had been eyeing would be the one to get the card, or if his friend would be a player hater and keep it. Once my sister and I got in, we laughed about the mix up, as I resentfully wished we had gone back. Minutes later, I received a text inviting us back out. I awkwardly discovered that the guy who the card was meant for was the one who received it! Hyped, I puppy dog-eyed my sis for us to go meet them. Reluctantly, she gave in, though she was highly annoyed that she'd have to entertain the thirsty one.
We met up and found the two guys there, and they ordered the table another round of drinks. 30 minutes in, my sister's eyeballs were in a constant state of rolling, and mine we're in a constant state of staring into my guy's beautiful, magic carpet ass eyes. We really were connecting. In retrospect, I'm absolutely salty because this guy surely threw me for a loop! He seemed smart, woke, and down to earth. Though there were a few little red flags in our conversation, like an amateur, I surely overlooked them.
By the end of our rendezvous, I made a uncharacteristic choice to go chill at his house, and this is when the twilight zone begun. I did not expect that we'd get intimate right away, especially because my celibacy rule was still in place and my sacral garden of Eden was due for landscaping. I honestly wanted to chill, and learn more about him.
The first red flag was when he ordered an Uber, and forgot to put in two riders. I should have hightailed it right then and there, but I was still enamored. We ended up walking to his house, which was not very far away. As soon as I walked into his room, it reminded me of my ex boyfriend of five years, from our college days. Second red flag. I don't want to be judgmental, but it did not give me "grown man" vibes.
In this moment, he begin to change his tune. He put on some Bob Marley (of course,) and offered me a Modelo. I thought we were going to continue our engaging conversation, until I realized he was giving me the eyes. He went to retrieve the Modelo, and came back with a half empty but chilled bottle of Hennessy, and in my mind I knew that he was trying to get things moving, as he took a healthy swig.
For a few minutes, there were crickets in my ear until he offered to give me a massage. As I gave him a smirk, I noticed that he already had a golden condom sitting on the side table. Third red flag! I quickly scolded him and sheepishly, he moved the condom aside, as if I didn't just see it sitting there. I really should have just gotten up then and there because I knew where this was going, and I wasn't ready. Still, I thought, A massage would be nice...
Wrong! After taking my shirt off and lying down for a massage, he disrespectfully damn near spilled half the jar of coconut oil on my back, staining my biker shorts. His technique was all wrong, and as I lied on my stomach, feeling like a wet seal, I turned my head to the left and noticed that, the boy had drunk more than half of my Modelo! It was straight out of a comedy!
I rose up from lying down as he began to softly kiss my neck. For about five seconds, I indulged and he started unbuckling his belt. I stopped him and told him I had to use the bathroom. Out of nowhere, his male roommate popped out of the restroom and startled me. I clutched the towel closer to my chest, making sure I was covered as Mister Locs yelled out, "It's okay, he's gay!"
Once I got into the bathroom, I had an Issa Rae moment as I looked into my reflection in the mirror, wondering what the fuck I was doing! I scoffed at the coconut oil stain on my shorts, and I was annoyed that he unwarrantedly yelled out the sexual orientation of his roommate, as if it mattered! I had decided that I needed to leave in that moment.
As I went back into his room, he was back at his mission to seduce me. My muscles began to soften, and my common sense began to check out. Had it been that long of me not getting any action, that I was this weak?!
One thing led to another, and we were both naked.
All throughout the foreplay, which greatly consisted of me trying to get his "Hennessy dick up, my mind was fighting with my body. His body felt good against mine, even though his package wasn't fully erect. I fantasized about doing this with someone who meant more to me. I closed my eyes and pretended he was my future lover.
He put his wack ass Lifestyle condom on, and in what seemed like a 1-2 motion, he flipped me over, and penetrated me from behind. His uncircumcised penis wasn't even at full attention, and nothing is worse than a hasty snack, with a semi-soft Johnson, attempting to show me what he's made of. After 30 lackluster seconds, I pushed him out and away from me, and he removed the condom. This was the very definition of bad sex.
How could someone so fine be so inadequate?
I refused to be a sexual object. The whole reason I chose to be celibate to begin with was to avoid mixing my energy with a low frequency man only looking to sexually dominate me. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? This man had completely flipped the switch, and revealed his true colors. As I told him I changed my mind, and that I didn't want to have sex, he began to beg. He wanted to enter me raw, and promised he'd pull out, and he said the condom was keeping him from getting up. I couldn't believe it! What was this, high school? I started busting out laughing. Was he serious?
We exchanged a few empty words, I ordered a Lyft, and I left his apartment.
I sat in the car silently. I made the call not to beat myself up. I know that I'm lucky that the situation didn't turn into a dangerous experience. I know that I made conscious decisions putting myself in his room, but the minute I said, "No," I had made it clear what my decision was. As I backtracked the whole experience, it amazed me how he became an entirely different person, and I didn't heed the undeniable red flags right away.
I knew the man that I'll eventually allow into my sacred body will be a grown, experienced man, who is authentic, healed, awakened, romantic, has his OWN place, respects me for what makes my soul special, and definitely would never break out the Henny, offer me a cheap Modelo, and then drink it all!
I wanted to connect. I wanted wine, oldies + goodies, hors d'oeuvres, and conversation.
I wanted more than physical intimacy.
I missed being held. I wanted to hold another person.
I wanted him to be the person my heart has been feeling...but he wasn't it.
What this experience has taught me was that, like anything else in my life, what is mine will be mine. I am not supposed to force anything. The universe tried to intervene with the business card mix up, but I didn't listen, and I learned the hard way
.I will never again allow the desire to spiritually connect to a man in a sexual way go as far as it did if he doesn't savor the essence of my spirit before gaining access to my body. Then and there, I reasserted my vow to be celibate until the universe sends me my divine counterpart.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
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“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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