A Bad Sexual Encounter Reaffirmed My Faith In Finding The One
Recently, I slightly broke my celibacy rule by almost engaging in a random hookup. It's as if the universe had to teach me one last lesson for me to realize that my divine counterpart will be signed, sealed, and delivered to me, and not the other way around. For the last several weeks, I have been experiencing a heightened sense of my future lover nearing closer. After writing a letter to my future soulmate, the energy between us has amplified. I have been receiving signs and synchronicities left and right, including lucid dreams and angel numbers 222 and 333.
One day a couple weeks ago, it was nonstop.
That day, I met up with my sister for dinner, and I spotted this fine, locs-wearing man with a milk chocolate complexion and a caramel swirl skin undertone. He had a slim muscular model build, and soft brown eyes. He looked my way, and our eyes locked. I couldn't help noticing him, noticing me, notice him. Later on, he had an older friend join him. I'm not the type to hit on every attractive man I see, but part of me thought that maybe I was meant to meet him because of the heavy energies I had been feeling. I went back and forth with my sister about whether I should leave him with my card. By the end of our dinner, I decided to be slick and leave my card on the table near his plate while he went to the restroom and his friend was on a phone call outside.
As my sister and I paid and walked out, the older friend tried to smooth talk us into staying, and having a drink with him and Mister Locs. Though I was intrigued by his offer, I also didn't want to have to entertain him and the look on my boo'd up sister's face was as if she were already over it! In order to catalyze the end of this conversation, I let him know that I left my business card on the table, and maybe next time. This quickly shortened the smooth talk and we went our separate ways. A few moments later, the older friend yelled out from across the street, and mouthed, "I need this, I'll call you," (referring to my tarot healing service on my business card.)
I awkwardly smiled, then cursed inwardly, realizing that my plan failed and now the short thirsty friend thought the card was for him! I became anxious over whether or not the guy I had been eyeing would be the one to get the card, or if his friend would be a player hater and keep it. Once my sister and I got in, we laughed about the mix up, as I resentfully wished we had gone back. Minutes later, I received a text inviting us back out. I awkwardly discovered that the guy who the card was meant for was the one who received it! Hyped, I puppy dog-eyed my sis for us to go meet them. Reluctantly, she gave in, though she was highly annoyed that she'd have to entertain the thirsty one.
We met up and found the two guys there, and they ordered the table another round of drinks. 30 minutes in, my sister's eyeballs were in a constant state of rolling, and mine we're in a constant state of staring into my guy's beautiful, magic carpet ass eyes. We really were connecting. In retrospect, I'm absolutely salty because this guy surely threw me for a loop! He seemed smart, woke, and down to earth. Though there were a few little red flags in our conversation, like an amateur, I surely overlooked them.
By the end of our rendezvous, I made a uncharacteristic choice to go chill at his house, and this is when the twilight zone begun. I did not expect that we'd get intimate right away, especially because my celibacy rule was still in place and my sacral garden of Eden was due for landscaping. I honestly wanted to chill, and learn more about him.
The first red flag was when he ordered an Uber, and forgot to put in two riders. I should have hightailed it right then and there, but I was still enamored. We ended up walking to his house, which was not very far away. As soon as I walked into his room, it reminded me of my ex boyfriend of five years, from our college days. Second red flag. I don't want to be judgmental, but it did not give me "grown man" vibes.
In this moment, he begin to change his tune. He put on some Bob Marley (of course,) and offered me a Modelo. I thought we were going to continue our engaging conversation, until I realized he was giving me the eyes. He went to retrieve the Modelo, and came back with a half empty but chilled bottle of Hennessy, and in my mind I knew that he was trying to get things moving, as he took a healthy swig.
For a few minutes, there were crickets in my ear until he offered to give me a massage. As I gave him a smirk, I noticed that he already had a golden condom sitting on the side table. Third red flag! I quickly scolded him and sheepishly, he moved the condom aside, as if I didn't just see it sitting there. I really should have just gotten up then and there because I knew where this was going, and I wasn't ready. Still, I thought, A massage would be nice...
Wrong! After taking my shirt off and lying down for a massage, he disrespectfully damn near spilled half the jar of coconut oil on my back, staining my biker shorts. His technique was all wrong, and as I lied on my stomach, feeling like a wet seal, I turned my head to the left and noticed that, the boy had drunk more than half of my Modelo! It was straight out of a comedy!
I rose up from lying down as he began to softly kiss my neck. For about five seconds, I indulged and he started unbuckling his belt. I stopped him and told him I had to use the bathroom. Out of nowhere, his male roommate popped out of the restroom and startled me. I clutched the towel closer to my chest, making sure I was covered as Mister Locs yelled out, "It's okay, he's gay!"
Once I got into the bathroom, I had an Issa Rae moment as I looked into my reflection in the mirror, wondering what the fuck I was doing! I scoffed at the coconut oil stain on my shorts, and I was annoyed that he unwarrantedly yelled out the sexual orientation of his roommate, as if it mattered! I had decided that I needed to leave in that moment.
As I went back into his room, he was back at his mission to seduce me. My muscles began to soften, and my common sense began to check out. Had it been that long of me not getting any action, that I was this weak?!
One thing led to another, and we were both naked.
All throughout the foreplay, which greatly consisted of me trying to get his "Hennessy dick up, my mind was fighting with my body. His body felt good against mine, even though his package wasn't fully erect. I fantasized about doing this with someone who meant more to me. I closed my eyes and pretended he was my future lover.
He put his wack ass Lifestyle condom on, and in what seemed like a 1-2 motion, he flipped me over, and penetrated me from behind. His uncircumcised penis wasn't even at full attention, and nothing is worse than a hasty snack, with a semi-soft Johnson, attempting to show me what he's made of. After 30 lackluster seconds, I pushed him out and away from me, and he removed the condom. This was the very definition of bad sex.
How could someone so fine be so inadequate?
I refused to be a sexual object. The whole reason I chose to be celibate to begin with was to avoid mixing my energy with a low frequency man only looking to sexually dominate me. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? This man had completely flipped the switch, and revealed his true colors. As I told him I changed my mind, and that I didn't want to have sex, he began to beg. He wanted to enter me raw, and promised he'd pull out, and he said the condom was keeping him from getting up. I couldn't believe it! What was this, high school? I started busting out laughing. Was he serious?
We exchanged a few empty words, I ordered a Lyft, and I left his apartment.
I sat in the car silently. I made the call not to beat myself up. I know that I'm lucky that the situation didn't turn into a dangerous experience. I know that I made conscious decisions putting myself in his room, but the minute I said, "No," I had made it clear what my decision was. As I backtracked the whole experience, it amazed me how he became an entirely different person, and I didn't heed the undeniable red flags right away.
I knew the man that I'll eventually allow into my sacred body will be a grown, experienced man, who is authentic, healed, awakened, romantic, has his OWN place, respects me for what makes my soul special, and definitely would never break out the Henny, offer me a cheap Modelo, and then drink it all!
I wanted to connect. I wanted wine, oldies + goodies, hors d'oeuvres, and conversation.
I wanted more than physical intimacy.
I missed being held. I wanted to hold another person.
I wanted him to be the person my heart has been feeling...but he wasn't it.
What this experience has taught me was that, like anything else in my life, what is mine will be mine. I am not supposed to force anything. The universe tried to intervene with the business card mix up, but I didn't listen, and I learned the hard way
.I will never again allow the desire to spiritually connect to a man in a sexual way go as far as it did if he doesn't savor the essence of my spirit before gaining access to my body. Then and there, I reasserted my vow to be celibate until the universe sends me my divine counterpart.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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