Many of us have or will experience him, the serial seducer. One minute you have lukewarm take it or leave it feelings for the guy, the next you're restraining yourself from handing over the panties to him on a pedestal. While Hollywood romances this inconsistent protoganist as a tall, dark, and handsome mysterious oozing of sex appeal, his seduction tactics rarely has the effect of a happy ending in our real lives. Think about it, should we give Christian Grey types of the world the time of day with their stalker hot and cold need for control over us?
Trust me, the serial seduction bait is not nearly as sexy as a guy who - plot twist: actually likes you and consciously and consistently takes action that supports that notion. But, it still doesn't stop most of us from doing the spread eagle across ole dude's bed before promptly giving it up to him. And when we give our bodies, we know our hearts will soon follow. So, how did we so carelessly let our guard down for the guy we were wary about from day one and become so crazy in lust?
Here are five signs you're the victim of seduction:
He Plays the Game of Push and Pull
He pushes you to the brink of wanting him and then pulls away. An example of this would be flirting with you relentlessly, but all of a sudden making it seem as if you said something to turn him off or did something to lose his interest and then pulling away from you. Another example would be acting completely interested in you then out of nowhere disappearing. They do this subtlely to make you feel as if you did something wrong, to have you further under their spell, spending hours with your girlfriends recounting your last encounter, and wondering what you did to push them away. In reality, it was nothing you did at all.
Instead, it was a calculated move to keep him on your mind. To make you want to pull him back at all costs, to make you become the pursuer. Perhaps he is constantly in pursuit of you, which you find flattering of course, then out of nowhere, he becomes cold. Not cold enough that you no longer want to deal with him, but enough to have you wondering what has gotten into him? Why isn't he being as flirtatious, paying as much attention to you as before?
After spending hours, days, possibly weeks trying to figure out what you did wrong, you decide it's time to get him back on your heels. You are deadset on reversing the roles and getting him to pursue you again, which usually means you become more aggressive, more sexual perhaps than you were previously, all in the name of getting the pursuer back on track. You've fallen right where he wants you girl, and the ball is back in his court.
He Poeticizes His Presence
“The words where have you been sound much sweeter than why have you come."
He uses his absence to control you, to keep you guessing, keep you wondering. His elusiveness is a weapon you are defenseless towards. The more you see someone, the greater chance of you seeing flaws in them, or even red flags of their true character. So, he keeps a distance to disarm you at bay. He knows just when to disappear and he knows the exact moment when to come back. Have you ever noticed just when you start talking to a new guy, an ex that you were madly in love with randomly starts showing you attention, and before you know it you are questioning whether or not they are truly the man for you?
Seducers have a way of using their absence to confuse and heighten your feelings for them. After being oversaturated with attention and affection, their absence again makes you wonder where have they been and if possibly you did something wrong or someone else has caught their attention. Ego is a powerful thing. No one wants to feel like we're being left for someone prettier, smarter, more interesting than us, so when they return, and they always return, we go out of our way, even acting out of character at times to try to get them to never leave again, often at the risk of our own morals and conscious.
He Uses Games to Disarm You
It can be pretty obvious when a non-seducer is trying to bed you. They are uncreative, sex is always the topic, and you are constantly feeling pressured to sleep with them. But a real seducer is patient. They can disarm you in the subtlest of ways. I once had a guy I dated admit to me he would use lighthearted activities to make me more comfortable with him to eventually try to have sex with me. We would play video games and do adventurous activities together without there ever being any mention of sex. In my head I thought, Wow he's not even trying to initiate sex, while secretly he was using games and childlike activities to disarm me and get my mind as far away from sex as possible so when he did finally make his move, I would't feel like that was all he wanted from me.
This form of seduction is extremely deceptive and sometimes tough to decipher because, of course, not all guys are like this and some really do want to get to know you and enjoy doing these activities with you. I would say, use your best judgement. If despite your fun and games there is always some underlining sexual tension or joking with him, it's a big possibility he is using fun and games to disarm you, especially if it's paired with something else on this list.
He Keeps You in Suspense
"Predictable" is the last word anyone would ever use to describe him. You can't guess his moods from one minute to the next, you can't finish his sentences, and his words and actions are just as unpredictable. He is literally all over the place. You hate his crazy outbursts, despise that you don't know his true feelings for you, and for some reason you can't get him out of your head. He uses his unpredictability as a means to never become boring to you. He wants to be the guy you are constantly trying to figure out. After all, what is the fun of someone whose every move you can guess?
He'll allow you to feel like you are on the brink of figuring him out, right on the cusp of truly knowing him, then he'll pull some stunt that you never saw coming. He enjoys stealing your energy in this way and making you constantly try to piece the puzzle together to figure him out. One minute he is telling you he loves you, the next he's ignoring you, or worse, telling you stories about another woman. He's not oblivious to how this makes you feel. In fact, as nonchalant as you may pretend to act, he knows how much he gets to you and takes pleasure in getting under your skin. He's a basketcase of seductive brilliance and you are wrapped around his crazy little finger.
He Appeals to Your Subconscious
He uses seductive trickery to get into your head all. the. time. Perhaps, you'll be walking past an Italian restaurant and he'll tell you how his father proposed to his mom in a restaurant like that and then go into detail of how he would propose one day, when the time is right. Or maybe he sends you screenshots of faraway romantic getaways he would want to someday visit, maybe reposts sentimental love quotes online with statuses like, “someday" or “I can't wait to have this." When you know, along with the other women he is slowly seducing, he could have that with any woman of his choosing.
The truth is, he doesn't want that, not now anyway. He wants to continue being a player while appealing to your subconscious making you picture tropical vacations and white picket fences. You know it's all talk when the actions are not behind it. It's simply talk. One day he is butterflies and roses, the next he's a douche bag talking trash.
Do yourself a favor sis, don't fall into the clever trap of the seducer, he is constantly evolving and learning new tricks to get in any way he can fit in. Keep your eyes open and your heart and legs closed to the clever seducer dressed in a good man's clothing.
Originally published on Why I Waited