I'll never forget when a woman called to talk to me about a man she was in love with who she was considering marrying. "There's just one thing, though," she said with a pause. "He doesn't like oral and he prefers to only have sex in the missionary position." What was my response? "Sooo…you're OK with sex being like that for the rest of your life?" to which she replied, "Do you really think that something like this should be a deal-breaker?" Short answer, y'all? YES. "Yes" in the sense that, if there is something that you really want, even to the point of needing it sexually, and your partner is firm and steadfast on NOT giving it to you then, I don't see how you're going to be truly happy or even at peace in the relationship; especially long-term. But that's just me.
OK, but what if either you can find tons of other reasons to push your sexual needs aside (which I am totally impressed with if you can, by the way) or you are already married to someone; someone who, you had no idea was as sexually conservative as they have proven themselves out to be? If that is the case, what should you do then? Other than prayer for patience and strength on the daily, I've got a few ideas that could make things more bearable for you and also easier for them to consider leaning a little more into the direction of your blessed freakiness.
Figure Out Why They Are the Way They Are
There are a billion and one (and then some) reasons why people are the way they are when it comes to what they will and won't do in the bedroom. I know some folks who think oral sex is a sin because either church or their culture taught them so. People have told me that they think sex should only be in certain positions because acts like doggy style hinder intimacy. Some women have said that they think that sperm on their bodies is degrading. One woman told me that it took her a good year into her marriage to feel comfortable with her husband buying her lingerie because her parents taught her that was what "fast girls" wear (I know, right?). Like I said, I could go on and on, but the main point I'm trying to make is, if you've got a partner who is more conservative than you are, the first thing that you should do is figure out why. More times than not, it's not because they are inherently selfish or not interested in pleasing you; it's more due to what they've been taught or told.
Pretty much any reputable relationship counselor, therapist or life coach is going to vouch for the fact that sex is a lot more satisfying when two people have their guards totally down while being mentally and emotionally in sync with one another. By providing a safe space for your partner to share with you why they are the way that they are, that can build trust. It can also make them more open to trying new things. Maybe not immediately but…eventually.
Clearly Express WHY You’ve Got the Needs That You Do
Everyone is an adult here, right? A man I know, who is bisexual, once told me that before he got married, he told his wife that fellatio was super important to him. A part of the reason why is because that is when he felt the most aroused by women. Prior to marrying him, his partner stated that it was something that she absolutely loved to do. Years into their marriage, though, he ended up being able to count on one hand, just how many times he was on the receiving end of oral sex. All kinds of drama—a sexless marriage which led to an affair which led to distrust on both sides—ensued. Say what you want to say about what his request/need was; the point is his wife knew about his sexuality and what his needs were beforehand. She signed up for both and then—I don't know how else to put it—she "false advertised" and then…reneged.
Some people need oral sex in order to orgasm. Some people have fetishes because that is what sexually stimulates them most. Some people constantly like to try new things because it keeps them from getting bored when they are in an exclusive relationship. If you've got a certain "thing" that you like to do that your partner can very easily go without, share with them why it's so important to you. Chances are, even if they aren't totally down for what you're into, the two of you will be able to negotiate and find a place of compromise (which is probably better than where you were before you said anything at all).
Find Ways to Turn Your “Freakiness” into an Emotional Connection
Those of us with high libidos (check out "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.") and a BIG IMAGINATION sometimes overlook a very valid reason for why we might potentially intimidate our partners. Unless we came into the relationship as virgins, we had a sexual past. And based on how secure (or insecure) our partners are with the relationship and within themselves (not necessarily in that order, by the way), what they might struggle with is not so much what we're into but…who we used to be into the same things with before they came onto the scene. The past is the past. There's nothing any of us can do to change it. Yet an effective way to ease your partner into what you like to do is to take what gets you off beyond physical pleasure. Be intentional about creating an emotional bond as well. Whatever it is that you're into, by making sure they know that there is no one else you'd rather do "it" with, that can take the act from being seen as nothing more than "live porn" or a walk down your sexual memory's lane into something that is truly special between the two of you.
Cultivate Creative Approaches
Like sex toys? Have their favorite Spotify playlist turned up in the background. Into bondage? Let them tie you up first. Want to record everything? Ask them to tape you doing a strip tease on their phone (first). Are you a huge dirty talker? Do some sexting throughout the day. Ask them "sexy/naughty" questions during the act. Want to try a new position? Start off with a ton of foreplay (so that they'll be too turned on to say "no"). Like to have sex anywhere but your bedroom? Meet them at the door naked and ready so they'll forget where your bedroom even is. Prefer to have oral sex (on the receiving end) to last longer? Invest in some flavored lube (one that tastes like their favorite fruit or chocolate). You get where I'm going with all of this.
Even if your partner is more on the conservative side, if you are able to approach him in a way that makes him feel more comfortable and more aroused at the same time, the sky is pretty much the limit in what you can actually convince them to do (or do more often).
Seduce. Don’t Push.
The art of the seduction. It's something that a lot of people sleep on. That's unfortunate too because, when it comes to having some really good, totally out-of-the-box, intensely gratifying sex, seduction is one of the best ways to take you there. An author by the name of Camille Paglia once said, "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle." Just like we like to feel wanted and desired, so does our partner.
Seduction helps to relax a person. Seduction keeps them from thinking too hard. Seduction makes someone feel like they are the most lusted person on the planet.
When trying to get your more conservative partner to take a walk on the wild side, don't nag, push or bruise his ego. Just be your natural sexy self while letting him know that even the things that he's never tried before can be more than he ever thought they would be because he is partaking in them with you. Now, how can he refuse that? Exactly.
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