

You know it. I know it. If your man is even a little bit good in bed, he knows it too. Sex is sooooo much better when foreplay—which, on average, lasts 15-20 minutes; how about extending that?—is involved. I'm not talking about a few kisses followed by a couple of minutes of dry humping—you know, grinding with most of your clothes on—either. I mean when foreplay is treated like a true art form. When foreplay is hot, intense and just as passionate as penetration. When foreplay is so good that if sex doesn't always happen, you're thoroughly satisfied anyway.
This is the kind of foreplay that legendary lovers are made of. In honor of that mind-boggling kind of intimacy, I'm going to share with you some super simple things that you can do to make foreplay with your partner even more savory and satiating than it (hopefully) already is.
1. Give Your Man a Cup of Coffee in the Morning
To drink or not to drink. Personally, I believe that, until the end of time, coffee will be a semi-controversial topic. But I did find one reason why it can be a good idea to encourage your man to have 2-3 cups of java. According to a study conducted by The University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, men who drank between 85 and 170 milligrams of caffeine a day were 42 percent less likely to experience erectile dysfunction. Since 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 experience it and it's a lot more fun to enjoy foreplay when everything is "functioning" as it should, I'm sure you can see why I thought this gem of information should go on the list.
2. Text Your Partner What You Love About Their Mind, Body and Spirit
Whenever someone asks me what my goals are for 2020, one of the things that I say is I'm going to be intentional about affirming and celebrating Black men. I'm telling you, if you go to Twitter and put "Black men" or "Black women" into the search field, it can be absolutely exhausting, just how much we basically dog each other out for sport (I always say that I think it comes from residual slavery PTSD but that's another article for another time). What good does that do? Instead, we need to uplift each other; especially when it comes to our significant other.
While checking out an article on Psychology Today's website about why compliments mean so much to us, I really liked the part where the author said, "Compliments are little gifts of love. They are not asked for or demanded. They tell a person they are worthy of notice. They are powerful gifts."
Sex is the kind of act that is most pleasurable when our mind, body and spirit is fully connected to another person's mind, body and spirit. A really easy way to make that happen is by affirming your partner.
So, take out a moment today to shoot them a text about what you adore about their mind, body and spirit. Watch how happy they will be to see you when they get home.
3. Pre-Plan Mutual Spoiling Sessions
A spoiled brat is one thing (nobody likes one of those), but sometimes spoiling gets a really bad rap. If you're coming from a place of indulging your partner so that they feel extra loved and attended to, that can be a really wonderful thing. On the heels of that text that you just sent, follow that up with asking your partner what you can do to make them feel pampered by you. Maybe it's a foot massage or a back rub. Maybe it's taking a bubble bath together. Perhaps it's giving each other manicures, watching each other's favorite movie together or ordering each other's favorite meals. Proactively doing things to relish in your partner is another form of foreplay that is overlooked—and underestimated—far more than it should be.
4. Pick Up a Red Light Bulb
As if the ambiance of a red light bulb isn't a good enough reason to get one, did you know that red light therapy is great for boosting a man's testosterone levels too? No joke. Some studies indicate that exposure to red UV lights to a man's genitalia for 10 minutes a day can improve a man's energy levels and raise his testosterone by as much as 200 percent. While some UV devices can get to be a little on the pricey side, there are some UV red light bulbs that are pretty affordable (check out some here, here and here).
5. Light a Soy Vanilla-Scented Candle
Did you know that men who are born without a sense of smell tend to have less sex partners than those who do? Another fun fact is women who have a keener sense of scent are able to have more orgasms. Yeah, it might not be talked about, nearly as much as it should be, but smell plays a fairly significant role in foreplay and intercourse. Although a lot of scents can help to get you going, one that always tops my list is vanilla. There are a few reasons why. Vanilla produces a euphoric effect on the brain. Vanilla increases blood circulation. Vanilla calms the nervous system. Vanilla boosts our mood. Vanilla also stimulates our libido. As far as your sense of smell goes, lighting a soy vanilla candle can help to provide all of these results. Also, if you want to add the sense of touch into the mix, a couple's massage that incorporates DIY vanilla massage oil can really get things poppin'.
6. Get Creative with Flavored Lubricant
You know what they say—the wetter, the better. Yes, lubricant is probably most used as a way to "treat" vaginal dryness that comes from things like medication, hormonal shifts, dehydration or a side effect of chemotherapy. But, even if you don't need it for that, it's still a good idea to keep a couple of flavored tubes close by.
If you dab a bit of it on your lips, it can make your kisses so much sweeter. If you apply some to your hands before giving your partner a massage, the slipperiness can feel really sensual on their body parts; especially if your tongue follows where your hands are going. If either of you is a little on the shy side when it comes to oral sex, the taste of the lube can make things…easier.
When you're bringing flavored lube into your plan of action, the possibilities are rather endless. By the way, if you'd prefer to bypass a lot of the chemicals that tend to come with commercial lube brands, you can check out an at-home flavored lubricant recipe here.
Oh, and as far as commercial brands go, if you want less vaginal irritation, go with a water-based lubricant. If long-lasting is what you're after, silicone-based is where it's at.
7. Have a “Sex Picnic”
I once read an article that said some of the reasons why we should do outdoor picnics more often is it's a great way to spend quality time with those we care about. Not only that, but it can set the stage for self-reflection, open communication and, if it's with our boo thang, it can be really romantic as well. An easy way to turn a G-rated picnic into a semi-XXX-rated one is to bring the picnic indoors. Wear something super sexy and serve foods that can make kissing, licking and "other things" even more delicious. Foods that immediately come to my mind include—chocolate, honey, whipped cream, watermelon (it's basically natural Viagra), red wine and frozen grapes and bananas. Umm, I'll let your imagination tell you what to especially do with those last two.
8. Prolong Stimulating Each Other’s Genitalia
According to aTIME article that I once read, the most sensitive parts of our body is our clitoris and nipples while our abdomen and the sides of our breasts are the least. But there are so many other parts of our anatomy besides those four spots. A lot of us like our hair, lips, ears, inner thighs and inner forearms to be lightly stroked. Meanwhile, the head of a man's penis, along with his nipples, earlobes, neck and lips are the most sensitive, although close seconds include their scalp, the back of their neck, soles of their feet, thumbs, scalp and waist. Bottom line, there are all sorts of ways to build up anticipation in your partner without going directly to the obvious spots. Tease, tantalize and stimulate each other by seeing how long you can kiss and fondle the sensitive parts of your bodies that actually aren't right between each other's legs.
9. Have Cunnilingus with an “Edge”
Speaking of stretching things out a bit, something that can truly take your orgasms to new heights is if you engage in being on the receiving end of oral sex—only, discipline yourself to not climax until it's time for actual penetration. It's basically edging with an oral twist, but if you try it, it is a technique that can easily have you climbing the walls!
10. Intentionally Do It (All) Outside of Your Bedroom
I also checked out an article that listed 200 (200?!) great places to have sex. It listed things like hiking trails, late night laundromats and underneath stairwells. If that's a little too adventurous for you, you can still make things fun and exciting by getting out of your bedroom. Have a kissing session on the stairs. Have oral sex on your kitchen counter. Get right to the point of penetration on that picnic blanket you just used. Beds are comfortable but they can sometimes be super predictable too. Getting out of your bedroom is a little foreplay hack that can make a really big difference. Don't hurt yourselves out there, now (wink).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
How To Experience Amazing Foreplay (When You and Yours Are Apart)
Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Be Careful. Those Casual Friendships Can Be Red Flags Too.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to someone vent about an area of frustration that they couldn’t seem to get to the root of — why they keep getting taken advantage of by certain individuals. When you’ve been a life coach for as long as I have (and you were a journalist before that), you learn how to ask certain questions that can cause people to consider things that they may never have before.
So, when I asked her, “What is the common thread with all of those folks? And sit still for two minutes before answering,” when she finally heard her own self speak, her eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open: “They’re all people who I’m not really sure what they are in my life.”
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
There’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
A couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
I’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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