These 10 Foreplay Hacks Can Take Your Sex Game To Another Level
You know it. I know it. If your man is even a little bit good in bed, he knows it too. Sex is sooooo much better when foreplay—which, on average, lasts 15-20 minutes; how about extending that?—is involved. I'm not talking about a few kisses followed by a couple of minutes of dry humping—you know, grinding with most of your clothes on—either. I mean when foreplay is treated like a true art form. When foreplay is hot, intense and just as passionate as penetration. When foreplay is so good that if sex doesn't always happen, you're thoroughly satisfied anyway.
This is the kind of foreplay that legendary lovers are made of. In honor of that mind-boggling kind of intimacy, I'm going to share with you some super simple things that you can do to make foreplay with your partner even more savory and satiating than it (hopefully) already is.
1. Give Your Man a Cup of Coffee in the Morning
To drink or not to drink. Personally, I believe that, until the end of time, coffee will be a semi-controversial topic. But I did find one reason why it can be a good idea to encourage your man to have 2-3 cups of java. According to a study conducted by The University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, men who drank between 85 and 170 milligrams of caffeine a day were 42 percent less likely to experience erectile dysfunction. Since 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 experience it and it's a lot more fun to enjoy foreplay when everything is "functioning" as it should, I'm sure you can see why I thought this gem of information should go on the list.
2. Text Your Partner What You Love About Their Mind, Body and Spirit
Whenever someone asks me what my goals are for 2020, one of the things that I say is I'm going to be intentional about affirming and celebrating Black men. I'm telling you, if you go to Twitter and put "Black men" or "Black women" into the search field, it can be absolutely exhausting, just how much we basically dog each other out for sport (I always say that I think it comes from residual slavery PTSD but that's another article for another time). What good does that do? Instead, we need to uplift each other; especially when it comes to our significant other.
While checking out an article on Psychology Today's website about why compliments mean so much to us, I really liked the part where the author said, "Compliments are little gifts of love. They are not asked for or demanded. They tell a person they are worthy of notice. They are powerful gifts."
Sex is the kind of act that is most pleasurable when our mind, body and spirit is fully connected to another person's mind, body and spirit. A really easy way to make that happen is by affirming your partner.
So, take out a moment today to shoot them a text about what you adore about their mind, body and spirit. Watch how happy they will be to see you when they get home.
3. Pre-Plan Mutual Spoiling Sessions
A spoiled brat is one thing (nobody likes one of those), but sometimes spoiling gets a really bad rap. If you're coming from a place of indulging your partner so that they feel extra loved and attended to, that can be a really wonderful thing. On the heels of that text that you just sent, follow that up with asking your partner what you can do to make them feel pampered by you. Maybe it's a foot massage or a back rub. Maybe it's taking a bubble bath together. Perhaps it's giving each other manicures, watching each other's favorite movie together or ordering each other's favorite meals. Proactively doing things to relish in your partner is another form of foreplay that is overlooked—and underestimated—far more than it should be.
4. Pick Up a Red Light Bulb
As if the ambiance of a red light bulb isn't a good enough reason to get one, did you know that red light therapy is great for boosting a man's testosterone levels too? No joke. Some studies indicate that exposure to red UV lights to a man's genitalia for 10 minutes a day can improve a man's energy levels and raise his testosterone by as much as 200 percent. While some UV devices can get to be a little on the pricey side, there are some UV red light bulbs that are pretty affordable (check out some here, here and here).
5. Light a Soy Vanilla-Scented Candle
Did you know that men who are born without a sense of smell tend to have less sex partners than those who do? Another fun fact is women who have a keener sense of scent are able to have more orgasms. Yeah, it might not be talked about, nearly as much as it should be, but smell plays a fairly significant role in foreplay and intercourse. Although a lot of scents can help to get you going, one that always tops my list is vanilla. There are a few reasons why. Vanilla produces a euphoric effect on the brain. Vanilla increases blood circulation. Vanilla calms the nervous system. Vanilla boosts our mood. Vanilla also stimulates our libido. As far as your sense of smell goes, lighting a soy vanilla candle can help to provide all of these results. Also, if you want to add the sense of touch into the mix, a couple's massage that incorporates DIY vanilla massage oil can really get things poppin'.
6. Get Creative with Flavored Lubricant
You know what they say—the wetter, the better. Yes, lubricant is probably most used as a way to "treat" vaginal dryness that comes from things like medication, hormonal shifts, dehydration or a side effect of chemotherapy. But, even if you don't need it for that, it's still a good idea to keep a couple of flavored tubes close by.
If you dab a bit of it on your lips, it can make your kisses so much sweeter. If you apply some to your hands before giving your partner a massage, the slipperiness can feel really sensual on their body parts; especially if your tongue follows where your hands are going. If either of you is a little on the shy side when it comes to oral sex, the taste of the lube can make things…easier.
When you're bringing flavored lube into your plan of action, the possibilities are rather endless. By the way, if you'd prefer to bypass a lot of the chemicals that tend to come with commercial lube brands, you can check out an at-home flavored lubricant recipe here.
Oh, and as far as commercial brands go, if you want less vaginal irritation, go with a water-based lubricant. If long-lasting is what you're after, silicone-based is where it's at.
7. Have a “Sex Picnic”
I once read an article that said some of the reasons why we should do outdoor picnics more often is it's a great way to spend quality time with those we care about. Not only that, but it can set the stage for self-reflection, open communication and, if it's with our boo thang, it can be really romantic as well. An easy way to turn a G-rated picnic into a semi-XXX-rated one is to bring the picnic indoors. Wear something super sexy and serve foods that can make kissing, licking and "other things" even more delicious. Foods that immediately come to my mind include—chocolate, honey, whipped cream, watermelon (it's basically natural Viagra), red wine and frozen grapes and bananas. Umm, I'll let your imagination tell you what to especially do with those last two.
8. Prolong Stimulating Each Other’s Genitalia
According to aTIME article that I once read, the most sensitive parts of our body is our clitoris and nipples while our abdomen and the sides of our breasts are the least. But there are so many other parts of our anatomy besides those four spots. A lot of us like our hair, lips, ears, inner thighs and inner forearms to be lightly stroked. Meanwhile, the head of a man's penis, along with his nipples, earlobes, neck and lips are the most sensitive, although close seconds include their scalp, the back of their neck, soles of their feet, thumbs, scalp and waist. Bottom line, there are all sorts of ways to build up anticipation in your partner without going directly to the obvious spots. Tease, tantalize and stimulate each other by seeing how long you can kiss and fondle the sensitive parts of your bodies that actually aren't right between each other's legs.
9. Have Cunnilingus with an “Edge”
Speaking of stretching things out a bit, something that can truly take your orgasms to new heights is if you engage in being on the receiving end of oral sex—only, discipline yourself to not climax until it's time for actual penetration. It's basically edging with an oral twist, but if you try it, it is a technique that can easily have you climbing the walls!
10. Intentionally Do It (All) Outside of Your Bedroom
I also checked out an article that listed 200 (200?!) great places to have sex. It listed things like hiking trails, late night laundromats and underneath stairwells. If that's a little too adventurous for you, you can still make things fun and exciting by getting out of your bedroom. Have a kissing session on the stairs. Have oral sex on your kitchen counter. Get right to the point of penetration on that picnic blanket you just used. Beds are comfortable but they can sometimes be super predictable too. Getting out of your bedroom is a little foreplay hack that can make a really big difference. Don't hurt yourselves out there, now (wink).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
How To Experience Amazing Foreplay (When You and Yours Are Apart)
Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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