Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
Although it personally baffles me that people like this exist—half kidding, half not—I've got a few girlfriends who pretty close to loathe oral sex. I don't mean giving it (fellatio), I mean receiving it (cunnilingus). Most of them are wives too.
When I ask them "why?", the answers tend to vary. Some say it feels really awkward, almost to the point of feeling gross. Others say that they love what else their man has to offer; so much so that they'd rather bypass the oral and get to the "main" event instead. A couple of 'em have told me that cunnilingus is "alright", but their partner takes entirely too long to finish up. (Wow. Is that even a thing? What in the world?!)
Personally, I can't relate to any of this. Back in my sexually active days, not receiving oral sex would've been an automatic deal breaker. Plus, the more of it I could get, the better. But I must admit that these kinds of women do pique my curiosity. Are they an anomaly or are there others who feel the same way as they do? (Feel free to chime in with your own comments.) I don't just mean when it comes to oral sex overall, but how many ladies feel as if a timer should be set the very moment cunnilingus begins. Or even when they start blessing their man with fellatio.
It really is a bit of a rabbit hole, I must say, but I'm up for the task. If you are also an inquiring mind that would like to know, here's some of what cyberspace had to say on the issue(s).
How Long Should Oral Sex Last?
How Common Is Oral Sex?
Everything has a first time; even oral sex. When it comes to when that first time should actually happen, I'm sure it's no shocker that 4 out of 10 men don't mind it happening on the first date vs. 1 out of 10 women feeling the same way. As far as if men and women are both "generous" in this area, interestingly enough, it changes with age. Younger women are more down to perform fellatio (74 percent) while older men are more open to performing cunnilingus (69 percent), although women are twice as likely to give it than men are (SMDH).
Of the individuals who get this kind of action, do they all enjoy it? Apparently not. In another survey, while most participants agreed that oral sex is more enjoyable when it's not with a casual partner, 52 percent of men really like going down (good for you, fellas; you get an extra dose of oxytocin and DHEA when you do) while only 28 percent of women do (y'all who don't, check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits of Sperm"; however, wait until you get off of work; some of the content may be NSFW for your lunch break).
And what about married folks specifically? Another survey that I read revealed that mostly all husbands like to give oral sex while one-third of all wives could take it or leave it. 19 percent of wives said they are not able to orgasm from cunnilingus while seven percent of men said that they couldn't (interesting). 54 percent of wives said that they allow their husbands to "finish" in their mouths and 47 percent of husbands said that was an important factor although only 29 percent cared about whether she swallowed or not. In an extension of this same survey, 9.0% of women and 12.6% of men professed to perform oral sex every time, with husbands preferring to perform oral sex on their wives (get this) twice as much as they currently do. I was also happy to hear that 32 percent of wives wouldn't mind "blessing their husband" more often as well.
But out of all of the info that I checked out, you can tell by the title of this post that what blew my mind the most was the fact that oral sex seems to have a semi-official time limit. What is it? Let's go with ladies first.
How Long do Women Prefer Oral Sex to Last?
I'm pretty sure it comes as no surprise—maybe low-key disgust but certainly no surprise—that it was much harder (legions worth) to find data on cunnilingus as opposed to fellatio. Although I must say that one study that said a lot of men do it because they feel it is a way to "affair-proof" their relationship was kind of fascinating. Another cool thing about this form of oral sex is female ejaculate contains a protein known as prostatic acid phosphatase which helps to protect a man's prostate. Also, cunnilingus can't get you pregnant so, there's that win/win for anyone who doesn't want a baby—ever or yet.
But as far as how long it should last? I can't tell you how long I spent looking for actual data on the subject (again SMDH). While there are plenty of articles on technique, the time limit was extremely difficult to nail down. Quora had some semi-enlightening answers, with the average time being around 30 minutes, but that was via seven responses only. After checking out about 10-12 sites, the general consensus was a man should do the deed until his partner climaxes, however long that takes because, unlike a blow job (a lot of men said they would take a couple of minutes even if they couldn't get the whole shebang), quitting before she totally finishes qualifies as being a pretty wack experience.
I took this info to some people who I personally know. What the women who enjoy receiving oral sex told me is, so long as their partner knows what he is doing, they don't keep up with the time much at all. If he doesn't seem to have a clue, two minutes is too long. The guys? Most told me that their tongue typically gets tired after what they gauge to be 15 minutes or so. After that, they will either switch things up (initiate penetration) or get creative with their fingers, etc. in order to "buy" a little time. But does it get boring for them? No. Just a little tiresome, at times. Understood.
How Long do Men Prefer Oral Sex to Last?
Now for the fellas. So, there's this "study" that has received quite a bit of traction, right? I get it because the name alone is rather catching—The Blowjob Resume. It consists of 1100 Americans and Europeans who were asked about, well, the title of the study pretty much gives it away.
Anyway, it covered a myriad of things like how important a blow job is to people (35 percent of men said "somewhat important" while 25 percent of women felt the same way; 30 percent of men would prefer fellatio over intercourse, by the way), how many Americans swallow (29.6 never do while 23.9 always do…we do it A LOT more than Europeans do), and the fact that 72 percent of men prefer eye contact during the act while 58 percent of women would prefer to look any and everywhere but into the windows of their man's soul (that, or it's extremely taxing to multi-task in that fashion).
But again—and I promise that this will be my last time saying it—what really tripped me out was the fact that men think that a good blowjob should last…guess how long? A little under 10 minutes. And the woman giving them one? She's cool with 11 minutes.
Hmm…only a minute apart. Why is this the magic window?
The study itself said that while some were down with much longer, 10 minutes is far more realistic. When I did some of my own unofficial polling, the men in my life said that they agree with that timeframe. Actually, what most of them said was if it took more than 10 minutes, their partner could probably stand to brush up on her techniques because when it's a great performance, it will take a fraction of that time. The reason why they don't mind it going with a shorter timeframe is because while they could sleep as soundly as a baby afterwards, usually fellatio only revs their partner up; therefore, they would rather have a shorter amount of time on the receiving end, so that they can muster up enough energy for intercourse. Again, understood.
I guess when you stop to think about the fact that a man needs only five minutes of intercourse to have an orgasm while a woman requires around 25 minutes (foreplay included), these findings make sense. Again, it's just that I never even factored in that oral sex needed a clock. Shoot, I still don't.
Still, this was some interesting data to share so that y'all can sound off—or go off. Clearly, oral sex has layers just like everything else, chile. Duly noted.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
4 Ways I Keep My Head In The Game During Oral Sex
Oral Fixation: 6 Ladies Share Their Best Oral Sex Tips and Tricks
Featured image by Giphy.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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From Toxic Traits To Transformative Growth: Understanding Evolved Vs. Unevolved Zodiac Signs
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Have you ever heard someone talk about a certain zodiac sign and wondered why your experience of that particular sign has been completely different? We have all heard about the notorious Gemini Man or Virgo Man being a difficult partner to have in love, but does this apply to all Geminis and all Virgos? Well, this is where the discussion of evolved signs vs. unevolved signs comes in. It’s the idea that, while some toxic or challenging traits are more prevalent in certain signs, it also depends on the individual at hand and on whether or not they have evolved in life.
Evolved vs. Unevolved Signs: A Guide
Astrology is life-changing not only because it allows you to learn more about yourself, but it also allows you to see certain behaviors or traits in yourself, and change them if you are not happy with the way they manifest in your life. To be evolved means to learn and develop. In order to tell whether you are dealing with an evolved sign or an unevolved sign, look at the way they navigate their strengths and weaknesses. We are all predisposed to certain behaviors aligned with our zodiac sign; it’s how you grow from your experiences rather than what you accept as a defining characteristic of who you are.
Evolved signs have done the inner work, unevolved signs make excuses for their behavior.
When we are talking about evolved zodiac signs, we are talking about the Virgo who appreciates progress more than perfection, the Libra who trusts that they can stick to a decision rather than accepting they are incapable of making the best one, and the Aries who takes intentional action rather than an impulsive one. It’s those people you meet and they make you change your perspective on a certain sign you may have had a negative experience with in the past. An unevolved sign, however, is the Aquarius who isolates rather than expresses how they are feeling, the Scorpio who lets their jealousy get the best of them rather than trusting their connections, and the Leo who puts their ego before anything else.
The good news is that if you feel you are living a more unevolved version of your zodiac sign, you can change this by first addressing where you may be self-sabotaging, and where you can highlight more of your strengths. Healing from past traumas, seeking a therapist or astrologer, or overall making your well-being more of a priority all will benefit. When you are feeling good within, you attract more experiences to you to where you can be that evolved version of yourself rather than entertain old habits or ways of relating that don’t serve you.
It takes work, but the more you tap into the evolved version of yourself and strengthen this part of you, the less you will revert to your old ways or attract those same types of toxic or unevolved people towards you.
So, how do you know which side of the coin you are dealing with or are yourself? Read below to find out more about the traits and characteristics of the evolved vs. unevolved signs of the zodiac.
EVOLVED ARIES
- Confident
- Methodical
- Disciplined
- Leader
- Energetic
UNEVOLVED ARIES
- Aggressive
- Short-tempered
- Reckless
- Arrogant
- Impulsive
You’ll know whether you are dealing with an evolved Aries versus an unevolved Aries through the way they communicate and approach others. If they are confident and encouraging, you are dealing with an evolved Aries who is comfortable with who they are but also doesn't feel the need to force their energy on you. Unevolved Aries will make you take a step back, evolved Aries will make you want more. Aries’ strengths are that they are bold and assertive, but an unevolved Aries tends to create more disagreements or challenges with others in the process.
EVOLVED TAURUS
- Abundance-mindset
- Grounded
- Generous
- Compassionate
- Trustworthy
UNEVOLVED TAURUS
- Materialistic
- Stubborn
- Lazy
- Vengeful
- Envious
An evolved Taurus versus an unevolved Taurus can be differentiated by the person who has stability or who has goals in life that they share with you and are working towards. The unevolved Taurus you will most likely find on the couch, demanding that you give them what they need at the same time. Unevolved Tauruses tend to show traits of envy or jealousy when you are explaining a recent win to them. An evolved Taurus will be the first person you want to go to with the good news, and they are a big support and secure person to their loved ones.
EVOLVED GEMINI
- Communicative
- Curious
- Creative
- Innovative
- Fun
UNEVOLVED GEMINI
- Confusing
- Chaotic
- Disorganized
- Bored
- Unpredictable
An evolved Gemini will have you feeling understood, heard, and inspired. They are fun and light-hearted people to be around. An unevolved Gemini will have you questioning them, life, and everything in between- and will create unneeded chaos in your life. Unevolved Geminis are notorious for being unavailable and disloyal in relationships, and you can tell the difference between whether they are evolved or not by what they do when they are bored. Do your Gemini create or connect, or do they do something destructive, leaving you feeling a deep sense of distrust around them?
EVOLVED CANCER
- Compassionate
- Nostalgic
- Supportive
- Nourishing
- Protective
UNEVOLVED CANCER
- Moody
- Holds a grudge
- Pessimistic
- Manipulative
- Clingy
An evolved Cancer leaves you feeling supported, nourished, and loved. An unevolved Cancer may make you feel the same way, but will be hot and cold on when and how they show it. An evolved Cancer will be your go-to and someone you can trust with basically anything. An unevolved Cancer, however, you will steer away from and not want to express yourself to them for fear of them making things worse. Evolved Cancers understand their emotions, unevolved Cancers let their emotions get the best of them.
EVOLVED LEO
- Self-confident
- Passionate
- Generous
- Motivating
- Kind-hearted
UNEVOLVED LEO
- Entitled
- Angry
- Selfish
- Controlling
- Dramatic
Evolved Leo has an evolved ego. They have a strong sense of self, they know who they are and what they want, but they don’t let that get in the way of how they treat others. Unevolved Leos command the room in a way where you are looking at them in shock rather than in awe. Unevolved Leos think the world revolves around them, evolved Leos think the same thing but also want other people to be in that world or think the same thing about themselves as well. Evolved Leos are like the Sun, and you will feel enlivened in their presence.
EVOLVED VIRGO
- Organized
- Caring
- Down-to-Earth
- Inspiring
- Helpful
UNEVOLVED VIRGO
- Perfectionist
- Overly critical
- Resentful
- Anxious
- Cynical
The easiest way to tell the difference between an evolved Virgo and an unevolved Virgo is the way they make you feel. If they make you feel inspired and like you can accomplish or experience great things, you are dealing with an evolved Virgo. If they are overly critical of everything you do, you are dealing with an unevolved Virgo. Evolved Virgos help you grow, unevolved Virgos tend to make you feel incapable of that. Evolved Virgos can laugh off or let go of the little things, unevolved Virgos will get caught up in them.
EVOLVED LIBRA
- Relationship-oriented
- Balanced
- Charming
- Diplomatic
- Fair
UNEVOLVED LIBRA
- Codependent
- People-pleaser
- Flaky
- Indecisive
- Dishonest
Evolved Libras make some of the best partners, friends, and confidants. Unevolved Libras make some of the hardest of the above to maintain. The difference between the two is the Libra's ability to find the balance between their needs and the needs of others. Libras are relationship-oriented people, but unevolved Libras tend to let this trait get the best of them and will be in and out of relationships and never really settle down to figure out what they truly want and need. Evolved Libras love, but will not sacrifice their sense of self in the process.
EVOLVED SCORPIO
- Passionate
- Mysterious
- Intuitive
- Transformative
- Resilient
UNEVOLVED SCORPIO
- Obsessive
- Secretive
- Reclusive
- Destructive
- Ruthless
The difference between an evolved Scorpio and an unevolved Scorpio is their ability to let go. Evolved Scorpios have learned from their past and have made their life better in the process. Unevolved Scorpios hold onto a lot of resentments and often cause themselves or others emotional turmoil. Evolved Scorpios can let people in and make some of the most loyal, protective, and supportive partners. Unevolved Scorpios tend to be very distrustful of others and have a hard time letting go of control in any way or letting people get close to their inner world.
EVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Outgoing
- Optimistic
- Spiritual
- Adventurous
- Genuine
UNEVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Dramatic
- Brash
- Superiority-complex
- Unreliable
- Careless
The evolved Sagittarius are inspiring, optimistic, and hopeful. The unevolved Sagittarius is just about the complete opposite of that. Evolved Sagittariuses have learned to fuel their adventurous spirit with intentional action rather than recklessness, and are there for their loved ones rather than leaving people hanging or being unreliable. Unevolved Sagittariuses can be very rude and aggressive and will mask this behavior with humor. They can be very harsh, rather than the evolved Sagittarius who is still outgoing, but is also genuine and confident and aligned with their highest self.
EVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Hard-working
- Loyal
- Stable
- Sensible
- Ambitious
UNEVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Workaholic
- Unforgiving
- Rigid
- Stubborn
- Dominating
When you are looking at an evolved Capricorn, you find yourself in the presence of someone loyal, hardworking, and down-to-earth. An unevolved Capricorn can be judgemental and cold, with only their personal goals in mind. Unevolved Capricorns seem to be stuck in the same place in life, and unmoving in what they believe is best for them. Evolved Capricorns are open to feedback and are flexible enough to figure out what is truly best for them, to explore, and to allow someone else to lead them at times. Evolved Capricorns are responsible and productive but take care of their well-being in the process.
EVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Freedom-oriented
- Logical
- Friendly
- Open-minded
- Outgoing
UNEVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Distant
- Cold
- Disloyal
- Detached
- Superiority-complex
Evolved Aquarius and unevolved Aquarius are mirrors of each other. The evolved version of Aquarius is friendly, open-minded, and supportive of not only themselves but of others as well. The unevolved version of Aquarius can be quite distant and detached from their relationships and life altogether and can be hard for people to get close to. Evolved Aquariuses value their independence, but don't use escapist behavior as an excuse for their actions. Unevolved Aquariuses will leave someone on read for months instead of just telling someone how they feel.
EVOLVED PISCES
- Loving
- Intuitive
- Compassionate
- Creative
- Romantic
UNEVOLVED PISCES
- Consuming
- Escapist
- Moody
- Distant
- Unrealistic
Evolved Pisces are the artists, muses, lovers, and dreamers. Unevolved Pisces may have that same creative energy but tend to wear rose-colored glasses that get them into trouble in the process. Pisces are hard to grasp in the first place with their fluid, mutable nature, but an unevolved Pisces will make that distance feel like miles. Unevolved Pisces can get pretty messy and will act out on their emotions without getting the full picture or giving themselves time to sort things through. Evolved Pisces on the other hand, let their emotions inspire them and know how to step into their true power.
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Featured image by Tanja Ivanova/Getty Images