

I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.
Back when I wrote my first book that included all of the reasons why abstinence is a good idea, I actually had sex with my then-boyfriend to "celebrate" the book's release. If there seems like there's some hypocrisy there, you'd be right. What was even more apparent was just how hooked onto sex I was...although I wasn't sure why at the time.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing. SEX IS AWESOME. Incomparably so. That said, the reason why I brought up my book in the first place is because there was a poem that I wrote that I featured in it. Its title? "Why Not the Prostitute?"
The gist? Why do so many people give prostitutes such a hard time when at least they seem to value their "stuff" (and their time) enough to get something out of the sexual situation? I mean, I've given my good stuff out to numerous dudes and had absolutely NO-THING — sometimes not even an orgasm — to show for it.
No, I'm not advocating prostitution. At the same time, what I am saying is that on January 9, 2007, literally right after having sex, something in me was like, "This just isn't working for me anymore." It wasn't the sex either. It was just that…it felt like I was not enjoying it so much as using it as a coping mechanism — a pacifier.
Hmph. Yeah, "pacifier" is the right word. When a baby is upset or even impatient, some parents will put a pacifier into their mouth and, at least for the time being, everything seems all good. Let that thing fall out though, and the child is back to being upset and impatient; maybe even more than they were before. The lesson here? Pacifiers don't really "fix" anything; they just distract you for a little while. Oftentimes, just like sex.
When I decided to give abstinence a try, just to see if I could find out why sex wasn't enough for me, I told myself I would do a year. On January 9, 2019, it will be a whopping (count 'em) 12 years!
And while I get that not everyone thinks abstinence is for them, at the same time, I do believe that if more of us tried it — even if it was just for a season — it would provide a greater sense of clarity as to what we truly want and need outside of the pleasure (and/or distraction) that sex alone provides. We'd be able to see if it might just be more of a "pacifier" than we might think.
How did I come to the conclusion that it was for me? Ironically, it was by paying attention to the steps I used to stop having sex in the first place:
I Continually Remind Myself of Why I Stopped.
I stayed in my last relationship much longer than I should have. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love. But between our friendship and the sex, I would ignore my gut that said, "You really need to end this thing."
You know what? When I look back on my sex life, in general, with most of those dudes, I ignored my gut and listened to my libido. I had this pattern of ending up with guys where — eh, 8.5 times out of 10 — the sex was outstanding but everything else was below average. Way below average.
I guess the best way to describe how I was feeling is a Maureen Dowd quote that I like a lot: "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
I have girlfriends who just want sex and they're out. But when it comes to me, I wanted — needed — more than that. I felt that way back then. I still feel that way now. So on my super-horny days, I look at the tat on the inside of my right forearm (Matthew 13:45-46; my birthstone is a pearl so if you look it up, it'll make sense) and remind myself that I stopped because I want more than good sex. I want a solid — and super-lasting — connection.
Related Articles:
You Can't Sex It Away: A D*ck Appointment Is Not An Antidepressant – Read More
I Tried Masturbating For 7 Days As An Act Of Self-Care - Here's How It Went – Read More
After the Breakup: How To Avoid Giving In To The 'Hoe Phase' – Read More
Tiffany Haddish Gets Real About Soul Ties & So Should We – Read More
Featured image by Getty Images
- 4 Lessons We Learned After Practicing Celibacy For Over 3 Years ... ›
- 4 Reasons To Be Celibate (That Don't Involve Religion) | YourTango ›
- 7 Women on Choosing to Be Celibate ›
- What a Year of Abstinence Taught Me - Man Repeller ›
- To Be Abstinent is About Willingness, Not Struggle – Overeaters ... ›
- Choosing Abstinence After You've Already Had Sex - Sex, Etc. ›
- What happens to men who stay abstinent until marriage? ›
- How to be fabulously and unapologetically abstinent - Bedsider ›
- Tips on Maintaining Sexual Abstinence ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.