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After The Breakup: How To Avoid Giving In To The 'Hoe Phase'

After The Breakup: How To Avoid Giving In To The 'Hoe Phase'

Oh, the coveted "hoe phase".

Dating

Oh, the coveted "hoe phase".

Like it or love it, most of us have gone through a phase in our womanhood where sleeping around became a coping method of sorts. Whether your experience ended in great sexual freedom or a disastrous heartbreak, most of us wish we could sweep one or two of those rendezvous under the rug. About five years ago, I was in the same boat.

I was living with my high school sweetheart for a year. We had many ups and downs throughout our relationship, but his decision to move out of the apartment we shared to reunite with his son in TN shocked me. I was heartbroken to say the least, but what kind of person would I have been had I kept him from his only child? I was confused and increasingly became bitter as months of separation weighed heavily on my emotions. We became distant from each other and decided to end our relationship of eight years.

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I was left feeling cheated. My emotions weaved throughout my body like electricity. They went from rage to sorrow, resentment to complete liberation. Of course, I was having a hard time dating in the beginning, but one morning I woke up feeling completely free. I was officially single for the first time in what felt like forever. Between discovering my sexual freedom and my underlying resentment, my hoe phase began.

I'll spare you the crazy details of my year full of sex with coworkers, friends, and a complete stranger. I learned a lot about my body within a short period but as time went on, I was feeling more careless than free. I felt like I lost control of my relationships, my peace of mind, and mystique. I believe women are entitled to their own level of sexual engagement without judgment or shame, but my behavior was doing me more harm than good. It strung me along several situationships and short spurts of enjoyment.

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Leaving a promising relationship of many years can definitely throw you for a loop. Our instincts want us to deal with our emotions immediately by filling our lives with pleasure and temporary fulfillment. A healthy sex life is essential to a happy life, and if you're looking to reset your mind and discover your body, here are a few ways to avoid carelessly sleeping around while on the rebound.

Get an Accountability Partner

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Spend time with the people you love as much as possible. They are the friends who can hold you accountable for your actions if asked. If you find yourself drooling over someone, check in with your friends. Are you acting on impulse? Will it be worth it? Will it add value to your life? By checking in, you allow your friends to give you the real rundown. Sometimes the people around you are the best people to tell you if you are going down a wrong path.

Stay Sober

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Drinks with your friends are usually the best way to unwind from a tough week. If you're going to drink, do it in moderation so that you're not drunk texting every contact you have. It is essential to make sound decisions when you decide to be intimate with someone. By avoiding getting too drunk, you'll always know you slept with someone because you genuinely enjoy their company. Avoid having to "blame it on the Goose."

Get a Vibrator

By purchasing a sex toy, you'll beat the urge to call on someone just because of your sexual urges. Any time your body begins to desire the warmth of a partner, consider using a toy beforehand. You may find yourself feeling differently after you've finished.

Related: It's A Vibe: The One Vibrator Every Woman Needs

Create a New Goal

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Whether it's losing weight or remodeling a home, create a focus so loneliness doesn't creep into your bedroom. We all know what it's like to feel isolated, it's miserable, to say the least. If you create a goal, you'll be too busy to think about emptiness. Fill your day with wellness goals, and ways to improve your daily living.

A healthy sex life can be achieved through consciousness. You can accomplish the same feeling of sexual liberation by being selective and intentional in choosing your next partner(s). Resisting the urge to sleep around after a breakup will ensure that you are embracing quality over quantity, while encouraging the right kind of healing.

Featured image by Shutterstock

A Black man, R. Kelly, stands in a court room, wearing an orange jumpsuit with his hands handcuffed behind his back, accompanied by a police officer in a green uniform, bulletproof vest and gun.

*Editors note: this article contains information about sexual assault, child pornography and rape. Please read with care. If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.

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