Your Childhood Trauma Is Ruining Your Relationship, Sis
If the 21st century has taught us anything so far, it has led us to study our past to have a content future. There are two terms that have been repeated on our journey to healing, and they are "toxic" and "trauma." We are all on a journey to wholeness by facing our fears and healing childhood traumas. After some time spent doing inner work, you find yourself feeling as though it's time to open up and invite new people into our lives. Whether that be new friends or a new bae, you are open-minded about the next chapter in your life.
While you are enjoying this new version of yourself, you notice an inevitable hiccup that you find yourself facing. New relationships bring new self-discovery. You've created boundaries, you speak up for yourself, and you have a detailed self-care plan that should be posted on xoNecole as we speak, but one thing that we seem to gloss over is how our childhood trauma can rear its ugly head in our relationships and wreak havoc on them. Especially when that trauma is left unaddressed. In order to begin the necessary work to get to that next chapter of our lives, millennial mental health therapist and author DeAvila Bennett, LCSW gives us insight into acknowledging our childhood traumas and five ways we can heal from those traumas.
What Is Childhood Trauma?
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According to DeAvila, childhood trauma is "a traumatic experience encountered during childhood that has negatively impacted an individual mentally, emotionally, and physically." Examples of trauma can be childhood neglect, physical and sexual abuse, as well as witnessing or being a domestic violence victim. "Untreated trauma can also leave you feeling disconnected from your support circle, numb, and can impact your ability to trust others," she adds.
Suppose you find yourself compartmentalizing, being emotionally detached, or becoming numb to certain situations. In that case, it's time to start focusing on your past to retire the habits stemming from those old wounds, and create some new habits instead.
How Childhood Trauma Impacts Future Relationships
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Now that you have a sense of what childhood trauma is, it's time to apply this to your own life. We are continually battling the childhood and adult versions of ourselves. Individuals can attribute anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, and battles with substance abuse to trauma experienced in their childhood. Bennett states, "Individuals will often self-sabotage their relationships due to triggers from their traumatic experiences. For example, when parents have neglected an individual, so they often push people away out of fear they will leave anyway, or pour so much into an unhealthy relationship in hopes they will stay and not leave them as the caregiver did."
Why Therapy Is Essential to Overcome Childhood Traumas
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Therapy has become just as popular as a Beyoncé concert ticket (pre-COVID). Men and women of color are becoming vulnerable in expressing their experience and growth with a therapist. It provides a safe space to be seen and heard without judgment. It allows you to open up and dig a little deeper when facing traumas. "As a therapist, I aid clients in understanding their triggers associated with the traumas, understanding their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, coping with triggers, and creating healthy relationships," Bennett explains. "In regard to building healthy relationships, therapy allows the individual to acknowledge their role in toxic relationships (which is typically learned behavior from their trauma), identify how the triggers have impacted their relationships, and [forgive] any parties involved in the traumas."
Before you begin the negative self-talk and self-sabotage, Bennett has provided five steps you can take today to begin to heal from childhood traumas and get on the path to healthy relationships.
1. Seek Therapy
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Choosing to go to therapy was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Creating new habits and disposing of old habits is the real test in showing growth. "Recovering from trauma takes time. Allow a professional to aid you in processing through the murky waters of your trauma. They can hold space for you as you fall apart. Sometimes you need to fall apart. It is OK not to be OK," Bennett says.
2. Begin a Healthy Lifestyle
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Being mindful of what you put in your body and how you move your body brings a sense of confidence and reassurance you need in living a trauma-free life. Exercising for 30 minutes a day, making healthier food choices, and creating a sleep routine are great first steps to living a better life. Trauma impacts your body's natural equilibrium. You being more active aids in repairing the body's nervous system by releasing endorphins and burning adrenaline.
3. Try Mindfulness
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This past summer, I had the pleasure of writing an article on creating a coping kit and why it's crucial to have one to help get you through trying times. Bennett states, "Trauma keeps you inside your head while concentrating on negative thoughts and feelings. When you feel overwhelmed, take 60 breaths and focus on your breathing in and out of your nose and mouth. If you struggle with centering yourself, you can utilize free meditation videos on YouTube or purchase apps like Calm or Headspace." A coping kit is a great way to implement some of these practices and have these tools ready to use when you need a means to cope.
4. Ask for Support
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Who belongs to your tribe? Who can you call on to support you and your journey—a family member, friend, or mentor? Any human-to-human contact can help you stop living in your head. Trauma will have you isolating yourself. Connecting with others can assist you in the healing process. You don't have to discuss your traumas with them, but you can ask for support.
5. Learn How to Self-Regulate
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You have the power to calm yourself down and decrease your arousal response. Trauma makes you believe that you don't have control over feeling angry, anxious, or agitated. Unless you are suffering from mental illness, that is not always the truth. Learning how to self-regulate will help decrease anxiety and help you feel like you have a greater sense of control over what is going on. One technique you can use is grounding exercises. Sit down and begin noticing what you can see, touch, hear, and smell. Take deep breaths as you notice these objects. This exercise brings you back to the here and now.
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Writer, Empath, Listener, Self Improver, and a motivational speaker to her homegirls Teisha LeShea currently resides in California who loves to add fifteen million items to her Amazon cart. She is passionate about wellness, spiritual improvement, leveling up, and setting up twice a month therapy appointments. She writes with you in mind. Her listicle and personal stories will inspire you to dig deep within yourself to be a better you. You can follow her on Instagram @teisha.leshea and & @tl_teisha.leshea
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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