How Much Is Your Childhood Trauma Costing You?
Why is it that you know "all the things" which can feel like information overload when it comes to your money; like spend less than you earn, save, and don't forget the "b" word: Budget. The one that makes you feel restricted in your pants after eating all the quarantine snacks with an aftertaste of guilt. What would it feel like to actually earn more, spend more, and save more?
April is Financial Literacy Month and, regardless of what is going on in the world, which may be bubbling up deep and painful insecurities around money, there's no better time to uncover the root of your money worries so you can own your money mindset and gain the clarity to create the life you imagine. As your resident Money Mindset Coach, I am here to guide you on your journey and raise your money consciousness so you can leave the shame, guilt, and avoidance around your dollars at the door.
To get to the fruit, we have to address the root. And that means going back to your foundation where you received your programming and conditioning that drives all of your behaviors. So many of you are running on autopilot, and that is why awareness is key.
After doing many case studies with my clients, whether they grew up in poverty, middle class, or wealthy, I have found similar patterns often accompanied by an excruciating pain around money that bleeds into other areas of their life like their personal and romantic relationships, work, and their own worthiness. Whether this shows up as memories of not having enough money for school lunch, being unable to buy things you wanted as a kid, or having your parents using money as a bandaid, measure of success, or as a way to control, the impact of childhood trauma is real.
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Talking about the limiting beliefs around money and shifting your thoughts is a good place to start, but it skims the surface. What did your parents or caretakers say about money? Rich people are greedy? Money is the root of all evil? Money doesn't grow on trees? There is power in words and these sink into your subconscious mind which develops during the ages 0-7 and then drives all of your behavior.
"The work" lies in reframing these beliefs and regaining your confidence around money.
But then we have to go a step deeper where the trauma lies. Did you have emotionally immature parents? Were your parents distant, inconsistent, or preoccupied with their own unresolved trauma? When we don't have safe and secure attachments, we seek our sense of worthiness externally and that's what comes at a great cost.
So what are the core childhood wounds that lead to unresolved issues with your money that could be costing you big time?
Feeling Unseen:
If your parents were playing out their own unresolved intergenerational trauma and felt unseen, maybe they found themselves in a pattern of "keeping up with the Joneses", focusing more on seeking external validation and sacrificing financial peace because they were taught money is a status symbol. You may find yourself using retail therapy as a way to manage difficult emotions.
Feeling Unlovable:
If your parents were self-absorbed (not in a blame-y way, just unconscious to their own pain), they may have felt like they weren't worthy of love. Instead, they chased money, fame, or social status to feel the void and to prove themselves worthy of love. For you, this may show up as overgiving, people-pleasing, and hustling for your worth in both your careers and relationships. And whew child, can it get expensive. The burden of success is real, and the guilt of feeling like you're the one that made it is heavy. The good news, it can be healed. Start asking yourself, "Am I doing this with love, or for love?", and watch your world change.
Fear of Abandonment:
Did your parents have a parent that left them? Whether it be physically through divorce, separation, death, or absenteeism? If so, the fear of someone leaving could unconsciously have you proving your worth, overspending, and caretaking. It could also keep you in toxic work environments, afraid to leave and find a more conducive situation. It's time to heal this, sis.
Not Being Enough:
If you grew up with very critical and harsh parents, you may have this deep inner feeling of not being enough. Your parents may have overcompensated in various ways when it came to how they used money, making up for the things they never had. For you, this may show up as buying friends, overgiving, and then feeling resentment when it's never enough. Sound familiar?
Whenever we FEEL we are operating from a place of lack (and I say feel because we are born worthy by our divine birthright), we operate from a place of scarcity despite the economic status of the family we were born into. And when this happens, we are in survival mode. Your pain is not your fault, but your HEALING is your RESPONSIBILITY. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew.
I want you to do an exercise.
Hold your breath. OK, now release. Now hold your breath for 30 minutes. Impossible, right? That's what it means to operate from survival mode and a place of scarcity. All you can think about is taking your NEXT breath stuck in the same negative thoughts, pattern loops, and traumatic experiences. If you are ready to stop just surviving and stop thriving, make the investment into your greatest asset: You. It's easy to be told you're worth it, but do you ACTUALLY believe it?
It's time to stop just surviving and start thriving, are you ready to make the shift?
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images