Childhood-Related Questions That Can Reveal A LOT About 'Him'
Not too long ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about a video we both saw that featured a baby being gently tossed into a swimming pool (they ended up floating immediately). Basically, it was the child's first swimming lesson and while my friend thought that the tactic was extreme, as a doula, I had a very different perspective. "Babies develop in water," I said. "That is their first home."
My point? There really is no way around the fact that our childhoods set a lot of the foundational work for how we see the world and how we function as adults. That's why I think it's so important that once you and a guy have gotten about three to four dates under your belts that both you and he should be open to discussing "less shallow end" topics — including each other's childhood. Because whether he had a fabulous one, a traumatizing one or something in between (which typically is the case for most), it can help you to see how and why he operates in the way that he does, if there are red flags that shouldn't be ignored and if there may be issues that should be addressed (perhaps via therapy, etc.) before getting in too deep.
1.What Was Your Relationship Like with Your Mom?
OK. Here's a great reason why it's pretty dangerous to always speak in generalizations. There's a guy that I know who treats women, pretty much like crap. He's a gaslighter. He has severe commitment issues. He very rarely takes any kind of responsibility for his actions. And he takes far more than he gives. He's so bad, in fact, that he's got a reputation for all of these things in the city where he lives. Thing is, because I am a marriage life coach and a journalist, it's pretty much an occupational hazard for me to not want to dig around and get to the root of someone as much as possible.
And when it comes to him in particular, I'm aware of the fact that he has a very surface-level relationship with his dad and that he claims to adore his mother. Thing is, though, how are you so in love with your mom when you are destructive AF when it comes to other women? That, my dear, does not compute. That's why I'm not totally sold on if you want to know how a man will treat you, pay attention to how he treats his mama.
Honestly, because I know some of the backstory on his upbringing with his mom, I think he romanticizes his mom being healthier than she actually is. If you add to that him being too afraid to confront her about where she also dropped the ball, it seems like he takes his hurt, frustration and disappointment out on women, in general. It may look like he reveres his mom yet meanwhile, any other woman gets treated like total crap — because he won't confront who he's really upset with/disappointed by.
So yeah, rather than just assuming that a man will be good to you just because he's good to his mom, ask him to describe his experiences with her while growing up. It could reveal some pretty insightful things as it relates to how he processes women, even today.
2.What Was Your Relationship Like with Your Dad?
I am so sick of the narrative that most of us didn't grow up with active fathers; even those of us who were raised in single-parent households (read and/or share "The truth about Black fatherhood" and "They're Dragging Out the 'Absent Black Fathers' Myth Again. Can We Give it a Rest? | Opinion" when you get a chance). So, while it might seem like where I'm going with this is you should assume that the man you are seeing either didn't have a father or had a poor experience with his dad, it's not. While it is indeed quite insightful if this happens to be the case (because I totally agree that the best way for a boy to learn how to be a man is from a man and preferably his dad; a lot of women are out here raising the kind of men they loathe. We'll discuss that at another time), I actually believe that if you really want to know how a man will treat a woman, look into what his father's model taught him. Was his father loving? Was his father respectful? Was his father someone who was a provider and a protector?
A good friend of mine is an awesome father in the sense of being proactively involved and consistent. One area where I encourage him to be better, though, is when it comes to how he interacts with his kids' mom. I won't lie, she is a trip (and not in a good way). Still, when he says slick stuff that he thinks his kids won't catch, I think they do and all that does is model to his daughter that it's cool to love a man who is sarcastic and flippant towards you and to his son that being with a woman with a lot of drama is normal. Parents set the tone. And if fathers want to lead like they say, they've got to keep this in mind when it comes to what they say and do. In all areas. Hearing about the guy you're seeing's views and experiences with his own father can reveal a lot about how he defines manhood — and fatherhood.
3.What Number Are You in the Sibling Line-Up?
While some researchers don't believe that there is a lot of merit to the order of siblinghood, hell, I do. So do a lot of us who grew up with brothers and sisters. Plus, there's some significant data to back all of this up. For instance, there are books and articles that say only children tend to be more introverted, a bit self-absorbed and strong leaders.
Firstborn children oftentimes suppress a lot of emotion, are good at solving problems, can be controlling and quite dependable. Middle kids lean towards being people pleasers, extroverts and will often "do the absolute most" in order to get attention. The youngest children are oftentimes spoiled, can be manipulative and yet are quite often the life of the party too.
While this isn't something that should be taken as gospel (I liken birth order traits to astrological signs — there are a lot of similarities yet not everything is 100 percent), it can be insightful to hear where the guy you're seeing lines up. I'm a firstborn daughter which, lawd, is an article all on its own. Anyway, asking this question can also help you to see what his relationship is like with his siblings — which can lead to ah-ha moments when it comes to how he processes friendships, in general (since a lot of people first learned about friendship via their brothers and sisters).
4.What’s Your Favorite Childhood Memory? Your Worst?
Oh, how I wish that parents took the weight of children's childhoods more seriously. The reason why I say that is because I don't care how the person is, unless they've experienced a level of trauma that has caused them to totally "blackout" when it comes to their childhood (and that is indeed possible), all of us have recollections that have remained with us to this day — things that have shaped and molded us. Things that have caused us to make a lot of the decisions that we do now…whether we realize it or not.
For instance, I've got a male friend who loves women's butts. No newsflash, right? Yeah, peep this, though— he grew up in a household that had a lot of house parties at night. Nothing crazy or illegal. Just a bunch of Black folks having fun. However, they would sometimes be so loud that he would wake up and peek to see what was going on. People were bumpin' 'n grindin' all over the place and he said that all he remembered was a lot of loud music and butt rubbing. And now — look at where he stands.
There are lots of people who work in the mental health field who wholeheartedly believe that children's best and worst memories can definitely set the tone for a lot of choices that they make, moving forward. For instance, I know a woman who hates kissing her husband on the mouth because she had a bad memory of an older cousin forcing her to do it when she was a kid. I know someone else who can sing her face off yet refuses to do it as an adult because she once got booed at a child at a talent show.
The reason why discussing memories can be so beneficial is because, a lot of times, folks don't even think about connecting the dots between instances that have transpired and how they function in real time. Bringing this topic up can be revelatory for you, therapeutic for him.
5.What Do You Remember About Your First Friendship? Your First Crush?
I have shared before that my first friendship was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. She was pure evil and I'm not the only person who felt that way. Matter of fact, she was so toxic and manipulative that it wasn't until I was well into my 30s that I really wondered, "What the hell was going on in her house?" due to a lot of the choices that she made and how she treated a lot of people. Anyway, because she was my first introduction to "friendship", I spent many years thinking that if a girl was even a little bit nicer than her, it was a blessing. I ended up being taken advantage of for many years by "versions of her" because of it. As far as my first crush went, he used to tell me that I was ugly. We didn't get that resolved until, hell, probably 10-12 years ago. The "residue" that he left behind is, whenever a man would affirm me, I would oftentimes not require much else because I was so grateful to be told that I was pretty, smart, funny or whatever.
On the first crush — which for some would be a first love — tip, I know a guy who thinks that every woman "cheats" because his first girlfriend did; with his cousin. That was 20-plus years ago and he's still hesitant to put his heart totally into a relationship. As far as his longest-running friendship, they are the ultimate frick and frack. Those jokers never hold each other accountable. And it shows.
Outside of our immediate family, our friendships and our romantic relationships tend to influence us the most, whether it's for the better or for the worst. Listening to him break down his first friendship and first crush could be quite enlightening. No doubt about it.
6.If You Could Change Anything About Your Childhood, What Would It Be?
This is also a really great question because whatever comes out of his mouth can 1) let you know what still remains somewhat heavy on his heart and 2) what he prioritizes when it comes to his healing and quite possibly how he'll be as a father someday. Take one of my friends who hates how much his mom worked and how bad of a co-parent his father was (until much later in his life). He often says that what he wished had happened the most is that his mom came home earlier (because being home alone a lot caused him to get sexually involved earlier than he should have and not really feel as close to his mother as he would like) and that both of his parents had taken more initiative into him bonding with his father. Because of both of these things, my friend is one of the most actively involved parents that I know.
Another guy that I know says that he wishes his parents hadn't waited so long to have him. His father is literally 50-plus years older than he is and he says that has kept them from being as close as he desires. As a result, he is pretty focused on having children at an earlier age.
We've all got stuff that we wish could've been different about your childhood. Listening to a man share what he wishes was different can help you to see how introspective he is and how he is able to connect the dots when it comes to some of his plans for the future.
7.If You Would Do Three Things Differently with Your Own Kids, What Would They Be?
Recently, while talking to another man in my life who happens to be engaged, he told me that he feels like a part of the reason why he's such an overachiever (and he really is) is because his father wasn't very ambitious — to this day, he still isn't. "When I have kids, I hope I can teach them balance," he said. "You know, learn how to be responsible and also how to have a lot of fun. Not be lazy, but still have a childhood."
Listen, although you can learn a lot about a man when it comes to all of these questions, hearing what he says when you inquire about what he would do differently once he becomes a dad himself can be revelatory as all get out. It can also offer up some perspective about whether or not the two of you have the potential to be on the same page when it comes to childrearing.
I know this was a loaded piece yet after all of the years of me working with couples, I promise you that the lead quote rings true — a lot of us are who and how we are as the direct result of things that happened to us when we were children. Knowing about someone's childhood is definitely a way to go up a notch in intimacy while also being a way to gain clarity on if you both share similar views and values. Because although our childhood is not all of who we are, it is a foundational part. And if you want to build, you should know what someone's foundation consists of. Right?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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