If you live on this planet long enough, hopefully you'll come to realize (and then accept) that one of the hardest lessons life will teach you is what it means to have friends and what it means to be a true friend. I promise you that it wasn't until, shoot, probably my mid-30s when I came to the conclusion that, "Ohh…so this is what a real friendship is supposed to be like. Who knew?!" A part of the reason why I struggled so much was because the way we are introduced to things can set the tone for what we expect in the future and my first so-called friend? Lord, can you say "she-devil"? I ain't playin' either. She was all kinds of evil. But we were children and, a lot of times, parents will push kids together, just so they can be left alone to talk about grown folks stuff while they are hanging out with their own friends and whatnot. So, no matter how much she teased me, taunted me, was straight-up mean to me, I thought that was what friendship was supposed to be like. This meant that anyone who was even one-tenth nicer, I thought they were the best person ever. Hmph. One day, sooner than later, I'll write about why you should not just "allow friendships to happen"—why it is oh so important to be super intentional about actually selecting your friendships (in the meantime, see "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'").
But today, what I want to get into, is something else that I've discovered about friendship. It's something that can help you to feel safe in your relationships. It's also something that will prevent you from being disillusioned, disappointed or flat-out mind blown as much as we can sometimes be in our friendships. You know, last summer, I penned a piece about how the Greek philosopher Aristotle once said that all of us should have three kinds of friends—utility (work), pleasure (fun) and good (basically friends who "grow us up") ones. I totally agree. Well, as someone who applies Scripture, quite a bit, to my life, because the Bible refers to our bodies as temples (I Corinthians 6:19) and also because, back in the Old Testament, the actual temples/tabernacles were broken up into three parts (which I'll break down in just a moment), I'm going to share why I also think it's important to consider that all friendships should not be treated equal.
Coming to the place of embracing that friendships have actual "levels" has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me—and my relationships with other people.
Outer Court: Good Acquaintances
Let me start all of this off by saying that if we first see ourselves as temples—as sacred beings—that can automatically alter our dynamics with folks. To be sacred is to be divine and divine things deserve to be treated with extreme reverence. Keeping that in mind, back in biblical times, the temples/tabernacles that people would go into were broken down into three different spaces: the outer court, the inner court and the most holy place.
As far as the outer court is concerned, one of the things that made it stand out are the many pillars that the temples/tabernacles had. Pillars provide strength and support to a building; to a certain extent, pillars also serve as barriers. If I were to parallel this to actual relationship with people, to me, this would be like having a close acquaintance. By definition, an acquaintance is someone who knows you (not because they say so but because you say so) but they aren't the closest to you. You and your acquaintances might have lunch together sometimes at work or meet up for drinks after because you enjoy each other's company or you have a few things in common. They might even be someone who you confide in when it comes to certain areas of your life, perhaps because you respect their level of expertise, you see them as a mentor or you don't want particular details of your life "hitting too close to home" via your family members and friends.
Acquaintances are cool because you enjoy them, you really do, but there still need to be certain boundaries and barriers up where they are concerned. It's not that they aren't good people; it's simply that before someone can even be considered a friend, other things have to transpire first.
Inner Court: Close Friends
When it came to the inner court, some biblical scholars say that the outer court was a designated space for praise while the inner court was a designated space for worship. As it relates to God, specifically, a good definition of worship is "to render religious reverence and homage, as to a deity". However, did you know that another definition of the word is "to feel an adoring reverence or regard for (any person or thing)"? While I don't recommend that anyone "worship" someone else (that can set you up to make them an idol in your life), I am a strong advocate for you being in relationships where you are highly regarded.
When someone regards you, they pay close attention to you. When someone regards you, they are concerned about you, your needs and your overall well-being. When someone regards you, they are careful with your feelings, they are truly interested in your world and they take special note of what they can do to make the quality of your life better.
Articles that I've written like "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'", "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships", "10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins" and even "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" are all the result of the blood, sweat and tears that I went through in order to figure out who truly regarded me and who didn't. Not only that but who I truly regarded and who I didn't. This "level" of friendship is for the folks who are truly invested and committed in your life. No one deserves access to your inner court until they have shown—in word and in deed—that they can be trusted, that they are loyal and that they are interested in giving just as much as they want to receive. No one should see your inner court "just because". They definitely need to earn this type of access.
Most Holy: Best Friend/Spouse
While recently reading an article on the most holy space of biblical temples and tabernacles, I liked it when the author said, "To understand these places, it will help if we first understand the concept of 'holy.' At its most basic meaning, holy simply means 'set apart' or even 'different.' God is holy because He is absolutely different, completely set apart from everything else." Amen. Your most holy space is also "set apart" and "different"; it's highly-privileged information. It's kind of another message for another time, but that's why I'm not big on casual sex. Just because the dynamics of the situation may be different, that doesn't change the fact that a man has been able to literally enter into "the holiest of holies". Not just anyone should know you in that way. You're far too special, precious and yes, sacred for that.
As far as friendship goes, I liken the most holy place to a best friend or spouse. One day, I'll write about why I'm a huge fan of that being one in the same once you're married (the word "best" in best friend can give you a clue in the meantime).
For now, I'll just say that your best friend and/or your spouse should definitely have a different kind of access to you than anyone else does; they are the top tier level in your life.
You know, back in the Old Testament of the Bible, when a person entered into the most holy place of a place of worship without God's permission, the consequence was super extreme; it was death (Leviticus 16:2). That's how special that space was. So many times in my life, when a friend would hurt me, I'd be absolutely devastated. Looking back, it wasn't really because they were all that great as people or good to me. It was because I allowed them into my "most holy place"—my intimate secrets, my most fragile vulnerabilities, my most valuable of resources—when they absolutely and most definitely did not deserve it. How did I heal? What changed? I learned to stop giving outer court, inner court or folks who didn't deserve my temple space at all the permission to come into those spaces and places. It's as simple as that. At this stage and season in my life, I've got a couple of "most holy friends" and they don't even have the kind of accessibility that I am reserving for my future husband. Knowing that I control my "levels" and no one else is both empowering and healing at the same time.
It can't be said enough. Sis, you are a divine temple. You don't have to—nor should you—allow just anyone to be in your outer or inner court, let alone your most holy space. Each level requires a certain type of character, commitment and reciprocity from an individual. Don't let folks in who aren't worthy. You are far too sacred for that. Make sure that they level up first, OK? It'll totally change your life—and quality of friendships—if/when you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?
How To Deal With You And Your Friends' Growth Spurts
Pettiness, Moodiness & Other "Friendship Irritants" To Work Through
Feature image by Artem Varnitsin/Shutterstock
- My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving ... ›
- Friend Divorce: How To End Friendships - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Casual Friendships vs Close: The Importance Of Weak Ties - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- How Friendships Change In Your 30s, According To 15 Women - xoNecole ›
- The Health Benefits of Female Friendships and Girlfriends ›
- 'Our friendship was intimate on all levels': Robyn Crawford on her ... ›
- Why You Need a Network of Low-Stakes, Casual Friendships - The ... ›
- Having Work Friends Can Be Tricky, but It's Worth It ›
- What are the four levels of friendship? | Institute in Basic Life Principles ›
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
