I must admit, even when I was sexually active, I never liked the term "casual sex".
I think a big part of it was because I had a sexual pattern that made it difficult for me to see that what I was doing was being casual. I've never had a one night stand. All of the guys I've had sex with, I've known for at least a year. And because (aside from my first love), I was friends with the fellas and wasn't quick to jump into bed, or wherever we decided to do it, with them, I always dismissed the idea that what we were doing was…casual.
Let me tell you something that hindsight has definitely taught me. Someone can be literally inside of you and have a totally different perspective of what's going on — from how the sex makes them feel to how they feel about you, period.
While I was thinking that, at the very least, I was having sex with men who deeply cared about me as a friend, a lot of them were thinking that since we were "close", they could A) talk me out of wearing a condom and/or B) convince me that I shouldn't expect more than some sex and laughs, and/or C) we could be part-time homie-lover-friends while they focused on finding real potentials for something lasting…elsewhere.
I defined friendship as a sacred trust. They defined it as secretive convenience.
You know what that means, right? Although I might not have been having casual sex with them, they were certainly having it with me. How do I know that for sure? From the very meaning of the word "casual":
Casual: happening by chance; fortuitous; without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned
I don't know if it's my age (44) or the amount of time I've been abstinent, but what in the world would make anyone feel good about admitting that they participate in the kind of sex that is careless, apathetic and has no real intention? Even if the only intention is that we're all treated with the care and respect that we so very much deserve?
Just to make sure I wasn't the only one who felt this way, I recently went out into cyberspace to see what others thought about casual sex; otherwise also known as "the hook-up culture". Articles like "Why the Hook Up Culture Is Hurting Girls", "Hookup Culture Is Ruining Everything" (which is written by a guy, by the way), and "How Hook-Up Culture Is Ruining Dating" confirms that I am not the only one who feels the way that I do about casual sex.
But actually, what I want to pose to you is not that we shouldn't settle for casual sex because being seen as casual should be way beneath our standards, values, and even hormonal needs, I want to talk about how casual sex is something that's actually impossible to do. Because our bodies won't let us do it.
There's a scripture in the Bible that says "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact." (I Corinthians 6:16 — message!) Sex is spiritual as well as physical. OK, now watch how this all plays out.
One day, while doing some research on the hormone oxytocin, I read that science has discovered that whenever we have sex, there is a literal spiritual experience that takes place; that once we climax, we oftentimes feel connected to a higher power of some sort (maybe that's why so many of us say "Oh God!" during sex…something to think about). It's also scientifically-proven that oxytocin causes us to naturally and automatically bond with our sex partners; this is why oxytocin has the nickname "the love hormone".
Hmm…so sex makes you tap into a higher power and bond with your partner. Not emotionally, mind you. I'm talking about what happens to us physically. Our bodies don't know if it's our husband whom we've been with for 10 years or some random we met at a party last night.
Physically, oxytocin is gonna make us connect with the people we're sleeping with regardless.
OK, let's keep going. A few years back, I watched a YouTube video that truly blew my mind! It was about all of the physical/biological things that happen to a woman during sex.
One thing that was shared is when you conceive a child with a man (whether you keep, miscarry or get an abortion), their DNA remains a part of you — brace yourself — for the rest of your entire life.
Another pearl of wisdom is the fact that our bodies are created to only have one set of sperm inside of us at a time. So, if we have a really wild weekend and have sex with more than one person within a 72-hour period (not-so-fun-fact, I've been there — I once had sex with three different guys in the same week), it's not uncommon for us to catch a cold. Why? Because our bodies are created to only have one sperm in us at a time. When our body notices there is more than one kind of sperm inside of us, it will literally abandon our immune system to try and get that "foreign sperm" out. Just wow.
So again, our bodies take sex so seriously that when we make a baby with someone, they are a part of our DNA forever and if we have more than one sperm in us, that can literally make us sick.
My personal takeaway? Even if we've mentally and/or emotionally trained ourselves to treat sex casually, our bodies don't. Our bodies don't respond to sex in a careless way; they see intention every time we participate in the act. That alone should make us, at the very least, rethink using the term "casual sex".
So yeah, whether you decide to wait until marriage or long-term commitment, or you're all good with not being in something so serious before doing-the-do, all I'm asking you to do is not consider the sexual activity you will participate or are participating in as "casual".
For one thing, you are far too precious for that. Secondly, your body doesn't see it that way at all. And since you can't have sex without your body being involved…well.
Feature image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Here Are The Dating Trends That You Need To Avoid At All Costs – Read More
No, Your Standards Aren't Too High As Settling For Crumbs Will Leave You Starved – Read More
Michelle Obama Says If You Are Looking For A Barack, You Should Try Not Looking So Damn Hard – Read More
- Science Based Facts About Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Want Him To Come Inside You? Read This. - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock