It's my expert opinion that "shooting up the club" or letting your man cum inside you is an endearing sentiment reserved for trusted partners. I've heard so many women discuss how their partner can't be trusted as far as they can be thrown, and yet a baby almost always ends up in this equation. There absolutely needs to be a bit of discernment when it comes to those we decide to try new and, sometimes, risky sex stuff with.
But, I'm also human and I understand that slip-ups happen. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be responsible of us to ignore all that can go awry where slip-ups are concerned.
What are all the things that you should consider before deciding whether you and your partner should throw caution to the wind and dancing in the rain? Umbrella free? Let's get into it. While you all have grown accustomed to me as writer Kiarra here at xoNecole, today I'll be that and the expert with the lowdown. So allow me to reintroduce myself as MSW, MEd, educator and advocate for Decolonizing Black Sexuality, Kiarra Sylvester.
And I'm going to help you determine if the price is right when deciding if the time is now for your partner to ejaculate or cum inside of you during sex.
1.Trust and Believe: How much do you really trust your partner?
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In some sort of utopian world, I wouldn't have to ask this question—it would be a given that we'd only permit these types of privileges to those that we trust. But, we don't, so I will ask again: Is your relationship, whether strictly sexual or a full-blown relationship, one that is built on trust? Trust that was built on open, honest communication? If this is someone who you feel the need to go through their phone at any given point, there is no trust and the answer is "no". You absolutely shouldn't allow your partner to cum inside of you. This is a more simply dynamic of trust, but as you know, there are far more intricate elements of trust at play.
If your partner pressures you to do anything sexually or otherwise, this violates trust as they are unwilling to adhere to the boundaries you have either set upfront or are intending to set in the moment.
If "yes", move forward to the next question. But, also consider discussing what condomless sex with no pull-out might look like. What type of boundaries do you all need for this to work? Will you all commit to only having sex with one another? Will you use condoms with other partners? Regularly testing together? Cool, how often is regular? And understand that testing regularly isn't a perfect solution, i.e. unless you're being tested daily, there's a margin of opportunity in between scheduled testing. Now, you can move your player piece closer to "go".
2.Planned Parenthood: If you do end up pregnant, are you collectively ready for parenthood?
If you've opted out of using the pull-out method as a means for birth control (which was risky business to begin with, since according to Bedsider, the "withdrawal" method has a failure rate of 20 percent and I'm assuming so because "pull out" is one step before deciding to just say "fuck, that shit.") Withdrawal is easily one of the least effective contraception methods and it's always been stressed to use this method paired with another when possible, even if it's a fertility awareness method.
Though we're not discussing pulling out, I mention it to press upon you that letting your partner ejaculate in you puts you in the big leagues. So the questions become: 1) Are you collectively ready for parenthood; 2) Is this a person you would enjoy parenting with? Even if you don't end up with this person, romantically for a lifetime — can you see an enjoyable coparenting relationship? If your answer is still "yes", then you have your answer. If "no", move along to the next question. All hope isn't lost yet.
3.B.C., Before Child—Not Christ: Where do you two stand on the birth control conversation?
If this isn't a person you see a future with OR you simply don't have any desire to be a mother yourself, then it's time to get clear on where you and your body stand on birth control. Contrary to popular belief, abortion is birth control, and whether you believe that or not, you both should have an honest dialogue about your positon on this method. While I squarely believe it's a woman's choice at the end of the day, it can help to discuss so there's a sense of preparedness and understanding of expectations should you find yourself seeking out an abortion. One in four women will have an abortion by age 45, so whatever you do please don't feel ashamed. But you should know if this is a person who will support you physically, mentally, and financially through this process or if it will be expected that you go it alone.
While this is a discussion that should be had, you should also consider other variants of birth control since abortion is expensive and for that reason alone, I wouldn't recommend leaning into it as a primary form of birth control. The average abortion starts at about $400 and after the first trimester, the price goes up weekly. Aboriton can see rates of $2K in circumstances where women can't afford them, and spend time "chasing the fee." That said, I urge you to use sites such as Bedsider and speak with your gynecologist for more information on the methods you're most interested in, and figure out what birth control best suits your body and lifestyle.
Birth control is not one size fits all, so if you find a method you think you might like and it's either, not covered by insurance or you don't have one, dig deeper. There are resources out there!
If your answer to birth control is "yes", be sure to be proactive so not to be reactive here. But also keep in mind that should you need to be reactive, there is emergency contraceptive (Plan B), which can be purchased at a drugstore. Also if you were already interested in the IUD, specifically, a copper IUD, they double as emergency contraceptive if you can find a clinic that can insert them into you within five days of unprotected sex. The copper works by repelling the sperm in the opposite direction.
If "no", and you've also answered "no" to at least one other question so far...thank you for playing but it doesn't seem like letting your partner cum inside of you is the best idea for you at this time.
4.Vaginal Health: Do you know condomless sex can throw off your vaginal health?
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Congratulations! You've made it this far. While listed last, it's certainly not the least concerning point of contention. We're aware by now that condoms can throw off the vaginal pH leading to bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and urinary tract infections so it only makes sense that we consider the ways in which semen might also do so. And when exchanging bodily fluids, like semen, the stakes are higher than a rinky-dink yeasty. Additionally, you are more vulnerable to sexually transmitted infections such as HIV. That means, we're being smart about how we interact sexually while seeking out desired pleasure. I purposely didn't lump this piece in with trust, at least not completely. The thing that many people tend to forget is that some sexually transmitted diseases can present asymptomatically, especially when presented in men.
That means even with a trusted and faithful partner, it is still risky to participate in consensual, ejacualatory, condomless sex with your partner. Which takes us back to the highly suggested point I made earlier about implementing regular testing.
At the end of the day, nothing is a sure thing in this world. Unfortunately, expert or not, I cannot make that call for you but simply help you make the best decision for you based on the most accurate information. But above all, be sure that you've discussed this with your gynecologist and your partner before participating in unprotected sex regardless of the outcome.
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
____
I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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