Living in a time of an unprecedented health crisis has drastically reshaped the way we go about our daily lives. With shelter-in-place restrictions and nightly curfews in place, the pandemic has significantly challenged the way we used to interact with each other – including romantically. Now that social distancing and self-isolation practices are our new normal, you may wonder, 'Can I hook up with a quarantine bae?' or 'Is sex off-limits – especially with someone I'm not living with?'
Whether you're looking for "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now", COVID-19 has made connecting in person nearly impossible. The 'Rona has forced many of us to stay indoors for an unforeseeable amount of time and while you may be tempted to indulge in some quarantine-peen, you may want to think again.
While coronaviruses aren't strictly transmitted through sex, the virus can spread through direct contact with saliva or mucus – which can include kissing, licking, breathing on each other and a whole host of other freaky acts.
Couples who live together have the least amount of risk, especially since they already share a living space – but what happens if you don't have an in-house partner to ride out the quarantine with (literally and figuratively speaking)? Or what happens if you're just looking for someone to connect with during these difficult and unpredictable times?
While it may seem that your love life is on lockdown, it doesn't have to be. Chanta Blue, sex and relationship therapist and co-founder of the Blue Counseling & Wellness Center, offers pro tips on how to navigate the new dating scene while abiding by the social distancing measures.
"Like many things in our society right now, COVID-19 has changed the landscape of dating, sex, and relationships in general," Blue said. "There is also this belief that if you are in the home with your partner, you should be having a lot more sex since you have more time. This can be the case for some folks, but for others the state of social distancing is very stressful, and sex is the last thing that they want to think about."
"On the other hand, there are a lot of folks who are single and are trying to find ways to help reduce feelings of loneliness and get their emotional and sexual needs met," she explained. "Prior to COVID-19, singles were meeting at bars and clubs, hooking up with folks they met on dating apps or simply going on dates. Now that all social events and establishments are closed, and the threat of contracting a [potentially] fatal virus is real, singles are limited to virtual platforms for romantic and sexual connections."
Social distancing doesn’t mean social isolation.
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Reports show that dating apps have hit an all-time high thanks to the quarantine – new matches are even taking their first dates digital! "Singles are finding that they have a lot more time to engage in online dating now that they can't go out to bars or restaurants," Blue said.
"When virtual dating, just like when dating in-person, it's still important to understand what you're looking for in a potential partner. Are you looking for fun and hookups, or are you looking for commitment and long-term connections? I encourage folks to look at their relationship needs on six different levels: intellectual, social, emotional, spiritual, physical and sexual. Then, start looking for your ideal partner."
Once you establish interest and rapport with a match, Blue suggests planning virtual dates to help get to know each other better. "If you have the space and privacy, set up a scene," she explained. "You can have picnics, watch movies together or go for long walks while video chatting."
Flood your brain with happy hormones.
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In times of great anxiety and stress, you may have the desire to want to connect with someone on an emotional and physical level. "It's totally natural for people to crave physical and emotional connection with others during this time," Blue said. "We are social beings and need each other to survive."
"It's encouraged that people do not get physical with anyone who they're not quarantining or self-isolating with," she added. "With that being said, if you do find someone to weather the storm with, just try to take proper precautions to keep yourself and everyone in your home safe."
Blue explained how physical activities such as sex, hugging, kissing, and cuddling produces a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is known as the "love hormone" or the "cuddle hormone" and helps us bond with the people we care about.
"Unfortunately, it's really difficult to replace the feelings that we get from connecting with people in-person but there are a few things folks can try to increase their levels of oxytocin," she said. Blue recommended the following tips for heightened levels of this happy hormone:
- Self-massages (if physically able)
- Warming yourself with a weighted or heated blanket
- Laughing
- Listening and/or dancing to music
Looking for lovin’? Cyber sex is the way to go.
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"There are so many great ways to satisfy sexual feelings with a partner during this time, even if you are not in the same home. Think of it as a long-distance relationship and get creative," Blue suggested.
According to the clinical sexologist, sexting is a great way to start off if you're nervous or just want to build some anticipation. Sexting can range anywhere from sharing your sexual fantasies to sending flirty thirst traps or full-on nudes!
"Scheduling phone or video chat sex sessions with each other is also a great way to sexually connect. With these methods, you get to express your wants and desires with your partner and get a sexual release at the same time. As you're sharing what positions you want to put them in or how wet you're getting, you can be mutually masturbating," Blue suggested. "Mutual masturbation, which is masturbating in front of or next to your partner while they are also masturbating, can be super arousing."
If you are feeling adventurous, Blue suggests investing in a remote or app-controlled vibrator to further enhance the experience (from a distance, of course). Watching porn together during these sessions can also be a great stimulator.
"One thing to remember though -- you want to first make sure that all parties consent to sending and receiving sexual content," Blue advises. "Also, it's important to talk about boundaries and expectations whenever you're trying something new. If you are concerned about your images or video sessions being leaked, I always say 'no face, no case'. Try keeping your face out of explicit pictures, video shots or during video sex sessions."
Prioritize self-pleasure.
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While there's so much we have yet to learn about the virus, the New York City Department of Health offers a key piece of advice: The safest person to have sex with is yourself. Additionally, with all the extra time we have on our hands, now's the perfect moment to put them to use.
"Masturbation is the best way to learn your body and establish the basics of your sexual likes and dislikes. Exploring your own body through masturbation can bring so much pleasure and has many other health benefits," said Blue. "Masturbation has been found to reduce headaches and menstrual cramps, release tension and stress, improve sleep and boost your self-esteem! Also, having an orgasm is another way to release oxytocin."
"There are many different ways to masturbate that can keep you from getting bored. You can change up your position -- if you always masturbate on your back, try standing up against a wall or turning over on your stomach," Blue suggested. "You can also try adding a toy such as a vibrator or a butt plug. I know Amazon is cracking down on 'non-essential' items but this might be a great time to support small businesses by finding an online sex toy boutique or reaching out to a sex toy consultant."
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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