Whew, y'all. 2020 has seemed like the longest, not year but decade ever, and we're only in the month of July. And definitely, if there's one thing that has made the mark of all marks on us, it's the coronavirus—a pandemic that has infected 11 million people worldwide and counting. When you really stop to think about it, COVID-19 has affected every aspect of our lives, but if there's one area that I don't think is discussed enough, it's sex. When a virus is so powerful that you need to stay six feet away with a mask on in order to decrease your chances of contracting it, how do you get physically intimate with someone without upping the ante on putting your health in danger?
Discoveries about COVID-19 are happening on an almost daily basis. For now, as it specifically relates to it and your sex life, here are eight ways to make practicing safe sex, in the time of this pandemic, so much easier for you and yours to do.
1. GET. TESTED. FIRST.
Here's something that's pretty disturbing. While there are 20 million new cases of STI/STDs each year, approximately only 12 percent of Americans get tested for them (what in the world?!). That said, I'm hoping it's a given that, if you are sexually active, you get tested to make sure that you don't have a sexually transmitted infection or disease. But actually, what I'm speaking of here, is how important it is to make sure you don't have COVID-19 too. I live in Nashville. I promise you I don't get why the comedy club Zanies was open and hosting comedian DL Hughley here, when clubs and bars weren't set to until that following Monday. Anyway, when DL passed all the way out during his set, what stood out to me the most was, until he was officially diagnosed with the virus, he had been asymptomatic.
Between how much the virus is spreading, the fact that mutated strains of it are more contagious than the "original version", and more and more people are realizing that they are asymptomatic, just like DL was, yes, you and your partner need to get tested to see if you've got it. Currently, there are viral and antibody tests that are available. In order to figure out where you should go to get tested in your area, it's important to contact your physician first. Because different states have different regulations, click here to find where various local testing centers are.
2. Use Condoms
If you're not in an exclusive relationship, not on birth control and don't want to get an STD—you need to be using a condom. Full stop. But as it specifically relates to COVID-19, another reason to bring condoms into the mix (whether it's for oral sex or intercourse) is because they help to prevent the spread of saliva (oral) and fecal matter (anal; more in that in a bit).
While it is important to note that many health professionals have stated that they have yet to find evidence of the virus being in semen or vaginal fluids, again, the fact that we're supposed to stay six feet apart from others and wear a mask whenever we're out, is enough of a reason to get why using a rubber is a good idea. So, make sure that you do, OK? (Speaking of condoms, make sure that you check out "10 Things You Should DEFINITELY Know About Condoms" for more info on them.)
3. Rethink Doing It If Your Partner Hasn’t Worn a Mask
Unfortunately, there are some people in my world who are whilin'. They're out 'n about, not wearing masks, overdosing on YouTube conspiracy videos and all up on airplanes. So definitely, when it comes to interacting with them, we talk on the phone; who knows when I'll want to see them face to face again (not any time soon, that's for sure). Why? Because they aren't taking safety precautions to make sure that they don't become infected. And yes, that's a really big deal. Matter of fact, I recently read an article on NPR about how some states are requiring that if you travel there, you will need to stay put and quarantine for two weeks, so that you don't bring the possibility of the virus back to your hometown.
Anyway, because there is irrefutable evidence that wearing a mask helps to prevent the spread of COVID-19 (because it keeps mucus and saliva droplets from "traveling" around), it's important that both you and your partner wear one, every time that you are out in public. If your city/state doesn't mandate that you do and one of you goes without one, you really should wait 14 days before gettin' it in again. Otherwise, you both could end up with the virus, whether you realize it or not (because symptoms can appear in as little as two days or as much as 14 in some instances).
4. Wash Hands and Sex Toys (Consistently)
Social distancing and wearing a mask aren't the only ways to decrease your risk of getting COVID-19. It's important that you also wash your hands. Regular soap is fine; just make sure that you wash, thoroughly, for no less than 30 seconds, every time that you do. By the way, you should wash your hands as soon as you come into your house. You should wash your hands after handling things that have been outside of your home (like groceries or take-out). And yes, you should wash your hands before and right after sex. While that might sound crazy (considering all of the bodily fluids that just got exchanged), you never know what you and your partner may have inadvertently touched before touching each other. So, it's an extra step that could possibly end up making a big difference.
Oh, and if you and yours like to use sex toys, make sure to wash those as well. Fecal matter is one way that COVID-19 gets transmitted and since it gets on sheets and into underwear, so you can best believe that it's on sex toys too. That's why you need to thoroughly clean your toys with soap and water, after every use.
5. Back Up Off of the Anal Sex
If anal sex is your thing, there are two things to remember. One is something that I've shared before—the FDA has yet to approve a condom for anal sex (definitely food for thought). Secondly, again, COVID-19 can definitely be transmitted through fecal matter. Whenever you engage in anal sex, some amount of it gets transmitted between partners. So yeah, if you want an even greater chance of lowering your risk of getting the virus, backing off of anal sex (no pun intended, of course), at least for the time being, is probably a wise thing to do.
6. Wait If One of You Isn’t Feeling Well
I'm hoping that this one is a given, but hey, Trump is our president and Kanye claims he's running to become it, so, anything crazy is possible.
Because some of the symptoms of COVID-19 mimic a cold or the flu, don't assume that a bout of coughing or a fever is nothing more than that. If you or your partner are under the weather, either get tested ASAP and/or wait 14 days before having sex again.
Hey, that might seem like a long time but since severe cases of the virus can take up to six weeks (sometimes longer) for symptoms to go away, it's best to be on the safe side. It's better to wait 14 days and be well than to ignore that and be sick for a month and a half or more. Wouldn't you agree?
7. Keep Your Immune System Up
At this point, a lot of us know, at least one person, who's been diagnosed with the virus. If you're blessed to not be one of them, please don't take that for granted. Chances are, eventually, you will. And that's a great reminder to do all that you can to keep your own immune system healthy and strong. Reading articles on our site like "10 All-Natural Ways To Avoid Catching A Cold" (because it can help to ward off viruses in general), getting plenty of rest, sleeping with a humidifier on (because it can make certain viruses and bacteria in the air weaker, making it harder for you to get them), drinking lots of water, walking outside in your neighborhood (in order to get some fresh air)—these are all things that can help to keep your immune system strong so that it's harder for you to get sick.
8. Stay Exclusive
If you're someone who struggles with exclusivity, allow the time of COVID-19 to be a motivating factor. That's because, if there's one thing that all healthcare providers can agree on, it's the fact that a pandemic is absolutely the wrong time to pick up a new sex partner. You know the saying, "Stick to the devil you know"? While hopefully, your partner is good people, remaining intimate with someone you're already quite familiar with is another way to lower your risk of getting the virus. So, make sure, for the sake of all parties involved, that you do. Y'all be safe out here.
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Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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