I know, I know. Traditionally, the bride's parents is responsible for paying for the wedding. My family just isn't set up that way. When we decided that we were going to have a wedding, we talked openly and agreed going in that we would be covering all of the expenses, and needed to remember that with each decision.
On top of that, we were new homeowners and also had a traditional Nigerian wedding that pulled from our bank accounts. When we first met with our planner, we gave her a number that we thought would be enough to get what we wanted. She quickly reassured us that with the amount we suggested, we could have a wedding, but it wouldn't be the wedding we wanted.
Talk about a reality check.
We set a number that we were comfortable with spending and tried our hardest to aim for it. But as expected, we exceeded it several months before our big day. Leading up to the wedding, we explored options that felt most like us and didn't conform just because that's what weddings "do" or "have". We also didn't "save" for our wedding prior to deciding to have one, but we quickly created a plan once we decided we were having one. We put money up specifically for those wedding expenses that we knew would come up.
Nate and I both agreed very adamantly that we would not go broke behind a wedding and if we were going to be broke after the wedding, we didn't need to have one.
Weddings are expensive. I don't care how big or small, simple or elaborate you try to make it. Even the small and simple affairs will likely require checks cut in amounts larger than us non-celebrities have ever spent on anything our entire lives. Bigger than any down payment you've ever put on a car. Checks larger than we had to pay to secure the lot for our home. Adding the word "wedding" to anything exponentially drives the price up. Wedding photography, wedding cake, wedding venue, the list goes on. The further along you get in planning, the more expenses start to appear. My biggest fear with having a wedding was that I'd wake up the next day feeling like we had wasted our money. Luckily, we woke up happy as could be reliving how nicely each and every detail came together.
If you are paying for a wedding completely or mostly on your own, plan for it, budget, and pay cash for it all.
When we started planning the wedding, we both set a goal to wake up Sunday morning after the wedding with all of our bills paid and to be completely wedding debt-free. We are happy to say, we stuck to it, held each other accountable, and paid each bill in advance with the money that we had in our joint account. If you and your future spouse are planning a wedding that you all will pay for, here are some ways to take care of it.
1.Decide at the Beginning
Have a serious conversation with your fiance at the beginning of planning and map out what both of you consider as must-haves, nice-to-haves, and can-do-withouts. Must-haves will be different for you both, but need to be agreed upon, such as a great photographer or a plated dinner. These items are worth the money because they're important to you, and will make or break your big day. Nice-to-haves may be an open bar, or uplighting, which may be must-haves for some brides. As time goes on and you see how quickly things add up, you will likely get more flexible on what you "must have".
Can-do-withouts are forgettable items that your guest may not even notice. These include wedding programs or party favors. Formulate a budget based on averages that you receive from your wedding planner, or the vendors you'll be using, and add at least $5,000 to that for last minute expenses that pop up. Because they WILL pop up.
2.Seek Help
Even if you and your fiance are going to be the primary financiers of your wedding, that doesn't mean you won't get help here and there. My second mom was so gracious to volunteer to pay for our wedding cake, and my mom bought my veil. They may not have been the bulk of our expenses, but believe me, a little bit goes a long way to chip away at that total dollar amount. Schedule dinner with your parents, aunts, or whoever you think may be in a position to help and suggest opting out of a wedding gift if they're willing to help with an item the day of.
Explain to them that photos you get to show your grandchildren mean much more to you than a can opener or toaster and you'd be so grateful if they could help. If they agree, when it comes time for payment, let them handle the payment directly with the vendor. This way they're not handing you cash, or having you act as a middle man. For those who do help, be sure and send them sincere thank you cards first. If you want to take it a step further, thank them in your wedding program or your dinner speech.
3.Put Money Up
The deposits are the easy part. The final payments hurt a little different! We opened a joint account so that we could each dump a certain amount of money in there every check, and we used that account to pay for wedding items. If your wedding budget is significant, you'll need to put up much more than $50 every two weeks. Learning how to work, save and budget together to achieve a shared (expensive) goal is great training for marriage! It may cause a few disagreements, but it's better to iron out those details now than after you say "I do".
So, starting with your end target dollar amount (the money you'll need to pay every vendor, plus tip), work backward and see how much you'll have to save monthly between now and your wedding to get there. Then, either divide those monthly savings goals in half or make it proportional to your incomes in order to establish what each of you should be putting away each month.
4.Make Extra Money
So much of the money that I used to pay for our wedding wasn't even money made from my 9-5. It was money that I'd already had sitting thanks to my blog, brand and side hustle. Nate has a corporate job, his own company, and works one day a month at Saks. Best believe he started extending discounts to make a couple extra hundred bucks to go towards the wedding. Weddings are SO stressful, even if money is not a worry. The details alone will break you out in hives. I was SO glad that worrying about finances was not keeping me up at night. It was more so thinking about if the lighting color I chose was going to transform the room to give off the vibe I was hoping for than anything else.
If there is anything you can pick up to make some extra money leading up to the wedding, I encourage you to do it. Whether it be selling the clothes you never wear to a consignment store, to tutoring school kids if you're brainy like that, to simply digging around for freelance gigs in your field, you can, and should, think beyond your paycheck if you need more cash to dump into your wedding account. Worst case scenario? You have a ton of leftover money to buy whatever you want off of your wedding registry once it's all over.
5.Sacrifice
If finding the money you need for a wedding still seems impossible after running all the numbers, it's time to start crossing things out. Go back to your must-haves/nice-to-haves and make some adjustments. Can you only comfortably afford to feed 200 people? If not, shave down your guest count. Do you need to downgrade your bar package from open bar, to beer and wine? Maybe you decide to give up Starbucks and manicures until after the wedding. You'll be amazed by how much money you can save with small changes. Making your bridesmaids bouquets 50% smaller, or re-purposing your centerpieces and tablescapes from the ceremony to the reception to cut down on your floral costs are all options. The more you trim off the top of each expenditure, the more you'll add to your total savings in the long run.
Another way to ensure you're stretching your money as far as it can go is by negotiating with your vendors. More often than not, the original quote you get from a vendor is just a starting point, and you may be able to wiggle their price down. It can feel uncomfortable to negotiate costs at first, since none of us are used to talking that intimately about money with strangers, and I certainly don't ever want you to disrespect a vendors talent by being unrealistic with your pricing, but remember that this is a part of the job for wedding vendors, and you shouldn't feel intimidated. Just remember to stay respectful and kind as you negotiate, and do plenty of research. The more you know and the nicer you are, the more leverage you'll have during negotiations.
6.Be Realistic
And stay that way. If you need to save $50,000 to have the wedding that you want, don't pick a date that's six months away if you'll need twice as long to save that amount of money. When dress shopping, don't even waste your time trying on dresses that are more than what you want to spend. There will absolutely be things that you will want, that you'll have to pass on. I promise you, when it's over, it will NOT matter that you didn't have a decal on your dance floor, or that you didn't leave your wedding in a Rolls Royce. (We Uber'd, by the way.) When your wedding day comes, you'll be so glad that you planned your dream wedding within the budget that you set, rather than within a budget you thought you'd have.
Waking up debt-free your first morning as husband and wife is literally my idea of "happily ever after".
As much money as weddings cost, they're completely doable. Especially now that it's done! If you have any other questions regarding paying for your own wedding, leave them below and I'll be sure and get them answered for you guys!
Originally published on The B Werd
Featured image by Farren Manuel via Courtney's Instagram
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Astrological Self-Care: What Black Women Need Right Now, According To The Stars
The political environment Black women in America are faced to live in at this time has taught us how important it is to give back to ourselves. When we feel pushed up against a wall, we ask ourselves what we have left to give, and oftentimes, what we have left to give needs to go to us. It feels like in society we take a few steps forward, just to take ten steps back, and this push and pull can be detrimental to our wellbeing.
When we take a look at what it feels like to be dismissed or discouraged like many of us are feeling now, this energy is a shock to our system. We must find ways to feel whole, nourished, and capable, no matter who else wants that to happen for us.
By taking care of ourselves during these uneasy or uncertain times, we build a foundation for not only strength but for love. We tell ourselves that we are worthy of a break or a new beginning and that we are more than worthy of experiencing everything we want in this life. If you are feeling a lack of energy or depleted, then rest is your medicine right now. If a light has been struck within you, motivating you to create change or to go after your dreams, use this as a fire to get you started. Don’t let anyone make you doubt your magic when you carry the whole world in your hands.
This is why so many Black women lean towards their spirituality or Astrology in these turbulent times. We know there are places to go even when we feel shut out, and that our connection to the universe, or God, is ever present in these trying times. We go to the places we know will heal, and we continue to build the parts of us the world has so often tried to take away.
When we need a little encouragement, we can connect to our intuition and the guidance of our soul, and ask the stars for a message. Read below for a message for your sign right now.
If you are an Aries...
Take some time to see where in your life you are currently experiencing abundance, or where you would like to. Look at the full picture at this time, and notice where some culminations have ended up being a positive change of pace for you. You are being reminded that there is nothing in this life that you can’t have and that you are meant to experience major blessings in this lifetime.
This is a good time to manage your finances wisely, look for new working opportunities, and advocate for yourself and your financial desires in the workplace. The work you do is meant to be acknowledged, supported, and paid accordingly, Aries.
If you are a Taurus...
The words we tell ourselves are the most significant words we have to live with. Right now, write a list of things you love and admire about yourself. Make post-it notes and put these words around your house in areas you know you will pass by often. It’s time to remember who you are and how loved you have always been. When you can take the time to look within and ask yourself what you really need right now, oftentimes it’s just a few kind words or a reminder of the significance of who you are.
If you are a Gemini...
It’s time to look at your goals, professional world, and financial intentions, and see if you are living the life you dream of here. What goals have you had for a long time and have pushed to the side due to timing or fear? This is the time to step into your inner knowing and power, to own your skills and work ethic, and to ask for what you need. You are experiencing an inner awakening that’s changing the way you look at your work life, what you really want to do here, and who you want to surround yourself with in this environment.
If you are a Cancer...
This time is reminding you that it’s okay to let go of what isn’t working for you. If you have felt like you have been putting more effort into things than what you are getting in return, it’s time to reevaluate where you are focusing your energy. Take some space to give yourself more of the nourishment and energy you so often give to others, and fill up your own cup right now, Cancer.
You take on a lot more than most, especially in the working environment as you always want to be someone others can lean on. Right now, however, it’s time to put your efforts into the things you want for yourself rather than what others want from you.
If you are a Leo...
Leo, you are meant to shine. There is not much that can dim your light because you know this truth. The more you can tap into your inner power right now and remember who you are, the more you can overcome and succeed. You are meant for big things in this lifetime and it’s time to remember your power. Think about your strengths and where you excel more than most. Remember that the unique gifts you were born with are meant for you for a reason, and shine, shine, shine, Leo!
If you are a Virgo...
You are a wise soul, Virgo, but you may not always trust this inner knowing. Your guidance at this time is to listen to your intuition more. If you are around certain people or environments that don’t feel right or supportive to you, trust that instinct and move away towards new energy. The more you can check in with yourself and listen to what your intuition is telling you, the more you can be in safer environments that don’t make you feel less than or out of place. You are being asked to protect your energy more and to only do the things you feel 100% about doing.
If you are a Libra...
Everyone deserves a new beginning, and that includes you, Libra. This time in your life is about taking a leap of faith in yourself. Sometimes things are worth taking a risk on, and you are looking at your personal goals right now and seeing what needs to be brought forth. Write a list of your current goals and intentions, and then write down concrete plans or strategies to see them through. A new beginning is meant for you right now, but you need to be the one to take that first step. Remember your confidence and your courage, and go after your dreams, Libra.
If you are a Scorpio...
Having more safe spaces to go to and nourish in would do your soul wonders right now. You need more stable foundations for your dreams to come to fruition, and there are people who will support you in making this happen. You deserve to relax, to rest, and to take more time out to nourish your inner world, and that is what is being asked of you now. Spend time with the people who provide you a safe space to just be, and focus on your long-term goals. Where do you see yourself and your life five years from now, and what can you do right now to feel a little bit more secure in the process?
If you are a Sagittarius...
It’s never too late to learn something new, and you are in a space of development and clarity right now, Sag. This is a good time to learn a new skill, develop your knowledge, and work on the things that hold importance for you. This time in your life is about getting focused and putting the effort in to back your intentions. You are someone who is always on the go and always focused on the bigger picture, but life is asking you to buckle down, focus on the details, and get started on that thing that you’ve always wanted to do. Who knows where your creativity, knowledge, and dedication will take you right now? Probably somewhere magical.
If you are a Capricorn...
Remember how loved you are, Capricorn. Nobody can take away the love you have for yourself and no one can take away your ability to love, and you are being reminded of the power of your heart. This is a good time to develop nourishing and stable relationships in your life and to focus more of your energy here. Build a strong community and support system in your life so that your heart doesn’t feel misunderstood or out of place. There are people who resonate with you and your energy, and it’s time to find those people or connect more with the ones you already know.
If you are an Aquarius...
You need a break right now, Aquarius. You are someone who is very connected to what is happening to the collective, and you are more in tune with this energy than most. Therefore, when things are feeling especially chaotic, this can be detrimental to your health and well-being. You need some space right now to let things come to fruition without you forcing them to. You need time to regain your strength and your energy, and to let things play out for you, trusting that they will be for your benefit. Go on a vacation and allow yourself to take a pause right now, and for time to do its thing.
If you are a Pisces...
This time in your life right now is about asking yourself what you truly want. New options are coming into clear view for you, and you are taking your challenges and turning them into opportunities. You are a powerful manifester, Pisces, and it’s time to start manifesting the intentions you dream of and are contemplating right now. There are a lot of things up in the air for you, but you have the power to turn them into your concrete reality. Ask yourself the tough questions, then prepare your heart to walk into a new door.
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