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Breadwinner Politics: What To Do When You Earn More Than Bae
While Black women still face the issue of unequal pay and systemic challenges to upward mobility, there’s still apparently a pretty significant number of us who are making more than our significant others. A 2023 Pew Research report found that Black wives are “more likely than wives from other racial or ethnic groups” to be the breadwinner in their marriage. Almost one in four Black wives (26%) out-earn their husbands.
Black women are also more likely to earn college degrees than their Black male counterparts, making the earnings gap even more of a reality whether you're married or not.
If you’re dating and your salary is higher than your partner’s, it can seem awkward or downright scary to talk about money with them. And as a woman earning more than her partner (or who has the potential to more than likely out-earn a love interest), you might be tempted to go all in with questions and investigations related to investments, car choice, child support cases, and credit score on the first date.
But before you do that, pause and think about this: Why ask about credit scores and salaries on a first, second, or even 100th date when you don't even know if that person has integrity, values that align with yours or isn't out here trying to make you the next Reesa Teesa?)
How To Have The Money Conversation As The Breadwinner
I’ve been in several relationships where I earned more than my man, and while it’s not something I’m ashamed of, that gap did have its implications. For me, if the man was treating me with respect, love, and attention, I really didn’t care that he might be taking home less pay. The tragic part of that would be when some of the guys I'd dated saw me spending money on designer bags, going out to eat more than three times a week, or taking trips, there would be issues of passive-aggressive judgment, resentment, and eventually relationship sabotage. (I’ve also dated men who earn six figures and above, but that’s a whole other story.)
Sometimes we become the breadwinners due to circumstances that are beyond someone's control or due to a life transition. Maybe your spouse was laid off from the job two years into the relationship or marriage, or they had to take on the care expenses for an elderly parent. Maybe they're in the throws of launching a new business or pursuing higher education, or the person was hit with a lawsuit, health scare, unforeseen tax bill, or other financial emergency. So it's not always an issue of fault, fraud, or scandal, and can be more of a case of life life-ing.
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All relationship dynamics are different, so what one woman sees as a red flag might not be a huge deal-breaker for others. I’m super-ambitious and self-employed, have found long-term success in a media industry perfect for independent go-getters, and I’ve always embraced having a side hustle.
Considering what many Black men face in society in general, I could understand and accept the possibility that my ideal mate might earn less money than me.
In my current relationship, ongoing for seven years, the breadwinner status has shifted multiple times, and for the most part, my man is my man. Period. After getting through some very tough times including surviving a whole pandemic, healing from surgeries, and coping with deaths in our families, there are things beyond money that have become golden for me in my love and loyalty toward him.
Whether you're married or you've been in a relationship for the long haul, here are a few helpful tips I’ve learned along my journey as well as what the experts say about it:
1. Use fun and humor to spark the money conversation.
I've always been one to shy away from talking about money with anyone, as that's just not something we did when I was growing up. For the most part, I saw the men in our family, whether they were the breadwinner or not, taking charge of the spending in the household and they oftentimes paid for everything, even if, for some, the bulk of the money was earned by their wives. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that everyone must have the perception that the man was calling all the shots financially (when I'd later find out, that one man in the family, for example, was often unemployed.) I only learned through observing things, not through conversations for clarity, confirmation, or understanding.
So when I started working and dating seriously, I'd just avoid speaking up when men would love-bomb me after seeing how I dressed, or when I'd find out that a guy who had spent $200 on a first date was actually struggling—making $1200 a month before taxes—and was just trying to impress me.
Today, humor and fun are helpful in having conversations about money. Early in our relationship, my man and I would play a game and ask questions of each other about how much we'd spend on a house or what we would do if we had $1 million. We might find humor in the money mistakes we've made in the past and those conversations would often lead to very serious conversations about debt, current bills, quality of life standards, and how we can work together to help one another achieve our respective goals.
Leaning into humor has helped me have those hard conversations—to get to know my partner more—and they've allowed him to feel a bit more comfortable about sharing information about his finances with me. One expert agrees that adding humor to conversations about money can be beneficial. “I think that keeping it light is the best way to learn. If we lower the temperature, if we make it fun, if I tell you how I have screwed up everything and I still did okay, that we can all come out of this much, much better, we'll relax and do a better job with our money,” Joe Saul-Sehy, co-host of NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast, shared during an episode.
2. Put mutual respect and consideration at the center and approach with grace and love.
Bola Sokunbi, founder of CleverGirl Finance, breaks this down very well in sharing her own experience with being the breadwinner in a relationship. “Just because you earn more doesn't mean you should become the evil queen dictating how every penny is spent, checking all the bank accounts, and asking for a play-by-play of every transaction your partner made,” she writes. “Think of how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. Allow your partner to make financial decisions; remember you are part of a team, and it is a partnership.”
While you should feel no shame or guilt for your success as the breadwinner, there's still a way to talk about money with your spouse that does not demean or belittle them. And you need to be clear about your own financial blind spots, habits, and mindset in order to come correct in a conversation about money with someone else.
Just because you're the breadwinner doesn't mean you're great at managing money or have the best personal finance habits, so consider humility and decency when talking with your partner about their own. (I can admit that I've dated men who made less but treated their money better than I did. Several were even better at managing what they had and building savings versus always living check to check, which was my reality at certain times in my life.)
Whatever your desires are when it comes to money and its role in your relationship, approach the conversation with respect, grace, love, and consideration that you’re talking to someone you care a lot about. Figure out what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not, and go from there.
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3. Instead of pausing, tip-toeing or avoiding, address behaviors that reflect habits and values.
Timing is a sticky aspect when you're talking about finances with your partner or spouse, whether you're in a long-term relationship, in the early stages of a romance, or you've already walked down the alter. From my own experience, being strategic in talking early on about what matters to me, in general, is key. And using my own senses of observation and gut feelings is important, too.
"'Fess up about the debt too soon and you risk scaring that special someone away, " Kimberly Foss, a certified financial planner, told Forbes. "However, if you wait too long, it can complicate things. If you are becoming very serious in your relationship, it is time to speak up. [If you carry a lot of debt], think of the roles being reversed — wouldn’t you want to know? You might be surprised just how understanding and open your partner is."
At the end of it all, it's not really about the money but about compatibility in one's outlook on what success means, what trust entails, what quality of life they want, and how they see partnership in a relationship. A few observations I think are more telling than outright asking a man about his credit score would be to watch early on for signs of greed, jealousy, uncontrollable anger, indifferent complacency, scarcity mindset, and ego.
Experts also recommend that married couples should especially embrace open communication to come up with a plan of action that they both can agree on. If you're expected to carry the financial load at any time in the relationship, set healthy boundaries and hold your partner accountable. You can also get help in the form of a therapist, counselor, or financial adviser to create or adjust the plan and help you navigate through bumps in the road without heading to TikTok for a 50-part series or, worse, divorce court.
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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