Breadwinner Politics: What To Do When You Earn More Than Bae
While Black women still face the issue of unequal pay and systemic challenges to upward mobility, there’s still apparently a pretty significant number of us who are making more than our significant others. A 2023 Pew Research report found that Black wives are “more likely than wives from other racial or ethnic groups” to be the breadwinner in their marriage. Almost one in four Black wives (26%) out-earn their husbands.
Black women are also more likely to earn college degrees than their Black male counterparts, making the earnings gap even more of a reality whether you're married or not.
If you’re dating and your salary is higher than your partner’s, it can seem awkward or downright scary to talk about money with them. And as a woman earning more than her partner (or who has the potential to more than likely out-earn a love interest), you might be tempted to go all in with questions and investigations related to investments, car choice, child support cases, and credit score on the first date.
But before you do that, pause and think about this: Why ask about credit scores and salaries on a first, second, or even 100th date when you don't even know if that person has integrity, values that align with yours or isn't out here trying to make you the next Reesa Teesa?)
How To Have The Money Conversation As The Breadwinner
I’ve been in several relationships where I earned more than my man, and while it’s not something I’m ashamed of, that gap did have its implications. For me, if the man was treating me with respect, love, and attention, I really didn’t care that he might be taking home less pay. The tragic part of that would be when some of the guys I'd dated saw me spending money on designer bags, going out to eat more than three times a week, or taking trips, there would be issues of passive-aggressive judgment, resentment, and eventually relationship sabotage. (I’ve also dated men who earn six figures and above, but that’s a whole other story.)
Sometimes we become the breadwinners due to circumstances that are beyond someone's control or due to a life transition. Maybe your spouse was laid off from the job two years into the relationship or marriage, or they had to take on the care expenses for an elderly parent. Maybe they're in the throws of launching a new business or pursuing higher education, or the person was hit with a lawsuit, health scare, unforeseen tax bill, or other financial emergency. So it's not always an issue of fault, fraud, or scandal, and can be more of a case of life life-ing.
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All relationship dynamics are different, so what one woman sees as a red flag might not be a huge deal-breaker for others. I’m super-ambitious and self-employed, have found long-term success in a media industry perfect for independent go-getters, and I’ve always embraced having a side hustle.
Considering what many Black men face in society in general, I could understand and accept the possibility that my ideal mate might earn less money than me.
In my current relationship, ongoing for seven years, the breadwinner status has shifted multiple times, and for the most part, my man is my man. Period. After getting through some very tough times including surviving a whole pandemic, healing from surgeries, and coping with deaths in our families, there are things beyond money that have become golden for me in my love and loyalty toward him.
Whether you're married or you've been in a relationship for the long haul, here are a few helpful tips I’ve learned along my journey as well as what the experts say about it:
1. Use fun and humor to spark the money conversation.
I've always been one to shy away from talking about money with anyone, as that's just not something we did when I was growing up. For the most part, I saw the men in our family, whether they were the breadwinner or not, taking charge of the spending in the household and they oftentimes paid for everything, even if, for some, the bulk of the money was earned by their wives. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that everyone must have the perception that the man was calling all the shots financially (when I'd later find out, that one man in the family, for example, was often unemployed.) I only learned through observing things, not through conversations for clarity, confirmation, or understanding.
So when I started working and dating seriously, I'd just avoid speaking up when men would love-bomb me after seeing how I dressed, or when I'd find out that a guy who had spent $200 on a first date was actually struggling—making $1200 a month before taxes—and was just trying to impress me.
Today, humor and fun are helpful in having conversations about money. Early in our relationship, my man and I would play a game and ask questions of each other about how much we'd spend on a house or what we would do if we had $1 million. We might find humor in the money mistakes we've made in the past and those conversations would often lead to very serious conversations about debt, current bills, quality of life standards, and how we can work together to help one another achieve our respective goals.
Leaning into humor has helped me have those hard conversations—to get to know my partner more—and they've allowed him to feel a bit more comfortable about sharing information about his finances with me. One expert agrees that adding humor to conversations about money can be beneficial. “I think that keeping it light is the best way to learn. If we lower the temperature, if we make it fun, if I tell you how I have screwed up everything and I still did okay, that we can all come out of this much, much better, we'll relax and do a better job with our money,” Joe Saul-Sehy, co-host of NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast, shared during an episode.
2. Put mutual respect and consideration at the center and approach with grace and love.
Bola Sokunbi, founder of CleverGirl Finance, breaks this down very well in sharing her own experience with being the breadwinner in a relationship. “Just because you earn more doesn't mean you should become the evil queen dictating how every penny is spent, checking all the bank accounts, and asking for a play-by-play of every transaction your partner made,” she writes. “Think of how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. Allow your partner to make financial decisions; remember you are part of a team, and it is a partnership.”
While you should feel no shame or guilt for your success as the breadwinner, there's still a way to talk about money with your spouse that does not demean or belittle them. And you need to be clear about your own financial blind spots, habits, and mindset in order to come correct in a conversation about money with someone else.
Just because you're the breadwinner doesn't mean you're great at managing money or have the best personal finance habits, so consider humility and decency when talking with your partner about their own. (I can admit that I've dated men who made less but treated their money better than I did. Several were even better at managing what they had and building savings versus always living check to check, which was my reality at certain times in my life.)
Whatever your desires are when it comes to money and its role in your relationship, approach the conversation with respect, grace, love, and consideration that you’re talking to someone you care a lot about. Figure out what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not, and go from there.
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3. Instead of pausing, tip-toeing or avoiding, address behaviors that reflect habits and values.
Timing is a sticky aspect when you're talking about finances with your partner or spouse, whether you're in a long-term relationship, in the early stages of a romance, or you've already walked down the alter. From my own experience, being strategic in talking early on about what matters to me, in general, is key. And using my own senses of observation and gut feelings is important, too.
"'Fess up about the debt too soon and you risk scaring that special someone away, " Kimberly Foss, a certified financial planner, told Forbes. "However, if you wait too long, it can complicate things. If you are becoming very serious in your relationship, it is time to speak up. [If you carry a lot of debt], think of the roles being reversed — wouldn’t you want to know? You might be surprised just how understanding and open your partner is."
At the end of it all, it's not really about the money but about compatibility in one's outlook on what success means, what trust entails, what quality of life they want, and how they see partnership in a relationship. A few observations I think are more telling than outright asking a man about his credit score would be to watch early on for signs of greed, jealousy, uncontrollable anger, indifferent complacency, scarcity mindset, and ego.
Experts also recommend that married couples should especially embrace open communication to come up with a plan of action that they both can agree on. If you're expected to carry the financial load at any time in the relationship, set healthy boundaries and hold your partner accountable. You can also get help in the form of a therapist, counselor, or financial adviser to create or adjust the plan and help you navigate through bumps in the road without heading to TikTok for a 50-part series or, worse, divorce court.
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- Ever Wonder If Your Man Is Actually Holding You Back In Life? ›
- Why Black Women Are Choosing Careers Over Marriage ›
- Are You The Financial Supporter Of Your Husband's Dreams? This Is For You. ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
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III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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