
Exclusive: How A Season Of Solitude & Self-Work Set The Tone For Melanie Fiona’s Marriage

Grammy-award-winning singer and songwriter, Melanie Fiona says that her story with her husband, fellow singer, and songwriter, Jared Cotter is her favorite love story. Describing it as having all the makings of a romantic comedy, their relationship involves “real introspective lessons of growth and self-awareness.” Following a year and a half of doing intense and intentional, spiritual work, the Canadian native decided that it was time to meet her person. What she didn’t know was that on her way to a songwriting retreat in the Caribbean, she would meet Jared.
They began dating shortly after returning to New York. However, less than a year into their relationship, Melanie made the difficult decision to break up with Jared, a decision she didn’t want to make but needed to so that Jared could be sure of where he wanted to be. Six months into their break-up, Jared made his way back to Melanie more evolved and confident in how he wanted to show up for her and what she meant for him in his life.
Since then, the two have welcomed two children, gotten married, and recently shared their love story on OWN’s Black Love. In this exclusive with xoNecole, Melanie Fiona shares what she did to manifest Jared, why Black women should stop holding onto potential, and how their six-month break shifted her and Jared’s relationship dynamic.
xoNecole: After a year and a half of not dating, what were some areas you focused on and things you did to manifest Jared?
Melanie Fiona: I think the main thing that I did was say it out loud. And I said it to one of my very good friends. I said it in such a way that I woke up and was very clear about it. Once I was clear, my body, my life, and my mind began preparing for it. I had already stopped dating and sharing my body with men who were not committed partners to me. I stopped going on dates just to fill my time with company and casual conversation. I told myself that I wasn’t going to pick up the phone and call that ‘on reserve’ dude just to have a conversation because I was bored or sad or lonely.
I started valuing my time, my energy, my body, my love, my generosity, and grace for myself more than ever. I realized that I was not preserving myself for me or who deserved me. And so the minute I started operating from that space, I woke up and was ready to meet someone. I said it so clearly and just operated from a space of openness and positivity and self-love and self-value.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I started valuing my time, my energy, my body, my love, my generosity, and grace for myself more than ever. I realized that I was not preserving myself for me or who deserved me. And so the minute I started operating from that space, I woke up and was ready to meet someone."
My mantra for that year was “Happy, Healthy, Creative.” And it guided me in every area of my life, even when it came to working. Because I had these affirmative words, I had this clear direction of where I saw myself going. And I think the universe or God heard me and saw that I was doing the work and willing to set boundaries for myself with other people. I was living an obedient life that would create space for healthy love and healthy relationships and happiness to come in beautiful, creative opportunities.
Any opportunity that fit in that “Happy, Healthy, Creative” box, I was going for it. And so because the opportunity came up to do this camp on this island, that checked all of my affirmative boxes, I went for it. I had no fear. And lo and behold, that’s where I met Jared.
xoN: Did you feel that Jared was your person when you met him?
MF: I didn’t feel that he was my person, but I was taken aback by the fact that he was the first person that I could be myself with since my previous serious relationship. There were no red flags and I didn’t feel like I was playing a game of deciphering what someone says or means. Jared reminded me what it was to be authentically safe with someone. As we spent more time together, I knew there was something very important about our meeting and I knew that he could be that person.
But I also recognize that holding on to potential is a very dangerous thing for women. We see this potential of who someone could be, and we want to hold on to it and fix it and look for ways to help someone be that for us. I've done that before, but this time, I recognized that he was the person for me, but he needed to know he was the person for me. He needed to see that. I knew that Jared knew I was his person. There's no doubt about it. If you talk to him, he will tell you. But he didn't have the confidence to know that he was the one for me and that's the difference.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I knew that Jared knew I was his person. There's no doubt about it. If you talk to him, he will tell you. But he didn't have the confidence to know that he was the one for me and that's the difference."
I'll say that it didn't happen instantaneously, but once everything started going. I was like, “Oh no, this is him.” And so when I had to break up with him, it was the hardest breakup I think I've ever had. I had never released someone in love. I had always broken up with somebody due to something tumultuous or dramatic or at a breaking point. I had done so much spiritual work to understand what healthy attachments were and understood that if things are truly meant to be they will be. But I was sending away my person.
I did the work, I was in the right place. I knew what we shared. I knew what we had been through. But I had to let him go because his learning process couldn’t be at the expense of my feelings and he understood that. It was the biggest act of selflessness and self-love at the same time. But I had an odd sense of peace and trusted that I was making the best decision for me.
However, deep down inside, I was hoping that we would always come back.
xoN: Did you ever have any doubts that the two of you wouldn’t find your way back?
MF: It's interesting. I feel like I had closed the door but I knew that I had a crack in it for Jared. I knew inside that I would leave this door open for him. I was like if he comes back and he comes back right, this door is open for him. It was never shut completely.
I always knew that there was more for our story. I didn't know how or when it would present itself, but I'm very grateful that it was only six months. On the outside, I had to move and live and treat him and the whole situation–even amongst our mutual friends–like we were moving on. But on the inside, I knew there was more.
xoN: You previously said that as women we sometimes hold on to potential or look for ways to fix someone. Why would you say that it is important for women to let go of potential and stand firm in their boundaries in relationships?
MF: I think that Black women have enough to fight with every day for their existence. Just to exist as a strong, beautiful, Black, intelligent, established woman. As Black women, we go through so much individually and I feel like you have to set boundaries for yourself to honor your value when you know what you have to offer.
Holding on to potential or trying to fix it comes from a place of fear. I think it’s a bit of trauma response and feeling like you can't or won’t do any better. Sometimes as Black women, we take what we can get and [don't] get upset. Also, I just think Black women in general are nurturers. We have this insane and beautiful ability to come in and fix and nurture and gather and just want to take care of people. And it's depleted us over time. We see it in our mothers and our grandmothers and hear how tired they are at the end of the day from doing so much.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"As Black women, we need to honor the fact that that is our superpower. That we can come in and fix and help but we can't do it in spaces that deplete us or that abuse us or take advantage of us. They have to be healthy, reciprocated environments where we're growing together. It can't be at the expense of our emotions."
I think that as Black women, we need to preserve what we know is our light and our power, and we need to always make sure that everyone sees us for that, honors it, and doesn’t take advantage of it. Because some of these dudes also want to be taken care of because of what they go through daily and are looking for somebody to come and help them through it.
As Black women, we need to honor the fact that that is our superpower. That we can come in and fix and help but we can't do it in spaces that deplete us or that abuse us or take advantage of us. They have to be healthy, reciprocated environments where we're growing together. It can't be at the expense of our emotions. It cannot be at the expense of our feelings and our happiness in the situation.
xoN: How did you come to know what your superpower was as far as what you brought to your relationship?
MF: It came through spiritual work. Through understanding the higher vibrational version of myself, and knowing that I'm very powerful with my words. I'm very powerful with my love. I can change things. I can make things happen for myself when operating from a place of self-love because it allows you to just know what is working within that vibration or is not. It comes with work, it comes from really knowing yourself and understanding. Are you ignoring what your inner voice is screaming at you right now? Or are you letting it lead and trusting it and are you going with yourself?
I knew that when there was high vibration because I could feel the difference. I could see the difference in myself. I knew that I had pure love to offer someone because I had done the work for myself. And I was in a place to do so.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I used to tell Jared that I expected exceptional love because that was what I had to offer. I know that the place in which I like to operate in love may not necessarily fit everyone's parameters or description of what a healthy relationship looks like, but I know what it looks like for me and it feels like going above the norm."
I used to tell Jared that I expected exceptional love because that was what I had to offer. I know that the place in which I like to operate in love may not necessarily fit everyone's parameters or description of what a healthy relationship looks like, but I know what it looks like for me and it feels like going above the norm. It feels it's going above standard and expected. It operates a little bit higher, a little bit more mindful. It operates a little bit more intentionally. And that's kind of the way that I feel like I've found my superpowers in all areas of my life.
xoN: Given everything that you and Jared have gone through in your relationship as far as breaking up and getting back together, how has that changed the dynamic within your relationship and how do you intend on using that to set an example for your children?
MF: The thing that we hold on to is that we made a choice. We chose to be here. We didn't get thrown into the situation. We made an absolute mindful choice to choose one another. And that's the thing that I hope more people start to think about in their relationships. By making that choice, the foundation of our union, every other choice has to honor that one. That's how we navigate our relationship now.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"We chose to be here. We didn't get thrown into the situation. We made an absolute mindful choice to choose one another. By making that choice, the foundation of our union, every other choice has to honor that one. That's how we navigate our relationship now."
My husband and I are very affectionate. We love each other. And my son sees that. But the other day, he said something about getting married. I asked him if he knew what it meant to be married and he paused and said, “To be happy.” Jared, we looked at each other, and I realized we were doing it right because our six-year-old could define marriage. And that’s the goal.
I think most parents want their kids to feel that their union is healthy and happy and loving. And that was one of those confirmations along the way that reminded me we were doing something right. But again, we intentionally chose one another. And we take our actions in the way that we lived individually and together to honor that choice.
For more of Melanie, follow her on Instagram @melaniefiona.
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- Melanie Fiona Married, Husband - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How Letting Go Allowed Melanie Fiona Become Her Own Woman ... ›
Racquel Coral is an experienced lifestyle writer focusing on self-love, growth, body positivity, and profiles of Black-owned businesses and community heros. Her work can be found here, and she can be found on all social media platforms @withloveracquel.
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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We've All Heard Of Marriage Red Flags Before. Now Check Out 6 Divorce Red Flags.
Red flags. When it comes to relationships, there is nothing like knowing that there are glaring warning signs that are literally trying to tell you something, and yet, because of how you feel about someone, you choose to totally ignore them. Indeed, as author Steve Maraboli once said, “They ignored all of the signs…Pretended not to see the flags…You can break your own heart loving some people.” Geeze.
And this is why, when it comes to getting married, dating/engaged couples definitely need to pay attention to some potentially serious marriage red flags — lifestyle incompatibility; poor communication; financial instability; sexual incompatibility (you don’t have to have sex to know this by the way — couples need to discuss their intimacy needs and wants regardless); inability to compromise; any forms of abuse or addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
I promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
Someone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
I ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
Several years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
Last one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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