How Letting Go Allowed Melanie Fiona Become Her Own Woman
There are two important lessons that Melanie Fiona's mother taught her.
First, there are consequences to every action. It's part of what's kept her relatively on the straight and narrow since she was a kid. No good girl gone bad, no negative press to tarnish her pristine image. She knows that she has the power to determine the outcomes of most situations in her life, and that you live and die by the choices you make.
Is she perfect? No. Not by a long shot. She may be sweet but she's not cookie cutter. She's made mistakes. Had bad breakups. Played lost and found with her identity, which led her on a three-year soul-searching journey. Fell down. Got back up. Wrote a song about. Made an album or three off of it, and took us on the rollercoaster ride with her.
The other lesson? Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
“That's been a real focal point of a lot of the things that I've been through in my life, which is why I don't wear a lot of the situations that I found myself in that I think are sometimes make or break for our spirit, that can determine whether you rise or fall or get back up again," she shares with me from an undisclosed location in New York, where she's putting the final touches on her third studio album, Awake.
“As long as I'm breathing—as long as I'm here—I know that there will be a better day when there is a bad day, so you have to just kind of hang on to that and know that it's just making you stronger."
One thing that can be said about Melanie is that she's never been afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve. Since 2009 the R&B songstress has boldly shared her turn ons, turn offs, turn ups and turn downs through soulful melodies that capture the raw emotion of a woman coming into her own. Her single, “Give It To Me Right" from her first album, The Bridge, gave her the all-eyes-on-me entrance that was needed—mixing sultry vocals and sensual lyrics of a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it.
She quickly followed up with one of her most notable singles, “It Kills Me," shutting down any notion that she was just a one hit wonder by topping the Billboard R&B charts and even earning her first Grammy nomination. Not bad for someone who just a year prior was the opening act on Kanye West's European tour—and this was before she released an album.
We even waited up with her at “4AM" when her love wouldn't answer, because that's what real friends do. Melanie has been our broken-hearted bestie that understands the highs and lows of love, and has beautifully sung her pain—our pain—in a string of relatable ballads.
But she's tired of being labeled the “angry black girl." Okay, yes, she just so happens to do amazing vocal performances on the subjects of love and heartbreak, that part she's proud of. Whitney did it. Mary J. mastered it. There's no shame in being able to have an authentic connection with women and men who've been through similar experiences. But to label her as “angry?" Well that's just an insult to someone who simply channels their emotion through their music—a sort of a release to what others may allow to build up inside. She's not angry; she's in tune with herself. It's something that she hopes will be evident on her new album.
“A lot of the writing on it is very personal and it's more conversational, and I think that people will be surprised to hear an album that's not full of huge big ballads from me this time around," she says. “There's a lot of vibe. There's a lot of experimentation, and there's a lot of moments of just feeling."
Melanie has never shied away from experimentation within her music. Her songs have always been a fusion of old school with a new school twist. She sampled Johnnie Taylor's “I Believe In You" on her record “Walk On By" and dabbled in The Zombie's rock and roll sound on “Give It To Me Right." We've even slow wined to the Reggae-inspired “Like I Love You" and again on “Bite the Bullet."
On Awake, she turned it up a notch by playing with her vocals and finessing her songwriting skills.
“I looked forward to people getting to know me a little bit better on that album, like personally. I feel it's who I've evolved into as an artist, now being in an independent space."
Getting to a place where she's been spiritually awakened hasn't been easy. It required her to cut ties with her record label Universal Music back in 2013 and partner with Primary Wave as an independent artist. I ask her if she thinks she'd be in the same mental space had she not decided to venture out on her own and cut the umbilical chord of being with a major label. She pauses in an effort to choose her words carefully.
“I don't know. What I do know is that people don't like change, and what I do know is that, sometimes, which I've experienced in the past, people have a perception of who you are and they want you to be what their perception is. And with people only knowing one side of me, I wanted to kind of break out of that shell and people only thinking that I'm either one tier, one facet, or whatever it is."
She's not the first to embrace the creative freedom that comes with being and independent artist. Former Roc Nation label mate Bridget Kelly also left the majors to go indie back in 2014.
For Melanie, it was just what she needed—to work at her own pace. No pressure. The time away wasn't spent in vain. She traveled, collected experiences, and re-evaluated who she was and the woman that she wanted to be.
Melanie Fiona is awake.
Not the kind of woke that has you scouring social media in attempt to staying abreast of the latest injustice that's sweeping national headlines (although she taps into that as well in her video “I Tried").
No, this is a positive woke. A self-aware woke. A woke that will snatch you up out of the fallacies of life and remind you that you're not living just to die, you're here to serve a purpose, which requires you to embrace your true self and not the person that society has portrayed you to be.
Yeah, that woke.
My first encounter with Melanie at the xoNecole launch party let me know that she was a woman who is assure of herself. Strong in mind and in spirit. Unafraid of false perceptions, just simply her. Maybe it was the fact that in a room full of tight-dress, high-heeled beauties she stood out in her signature wide-brimmed black fedora and multi-colored cloak. Or maybe it was the gratitude that poured authentically from her lips as she thanked Necole for supporting women like her whose worth goes beyond her figure (although she fully embraces her bad-ass womanly curves in her music videos). She's talented, no doubt. But what's talent without the right mentality to back it up? Knowing who she is and the direction she's going in life, that's what makes her the real MVP.
On our phone call, we talk about what's really allowed Melanie to be in a place of freedom and positivity. At the height of her career when she was racking up Grammy's with Cee-Lo Green for “Fool for You" and touring the world she admits that it was one of the lowest periods in her life. Between balancing heartbreak from a toxic relationship to living as an independent woman in New York for the the first time, she struggled to stay afloat amongst the many people and situations attempting to drown her.
“I experienced the highest success of my career with the Grammy's, but the most extreme sense of hurt, anger and frustration in my personal and professional career—and I lost myself for a little bit because I started to wear that hurt and disappointment and frustration that I was feeling because I was so upset about the things that weren't happening rather than [focusing on] the things that were happening, and I couldn't see it at the time. It took me getting really, really low within myself to kind of have to take a step back. It really took gaining and losing everything in one hard shot for me in my personal journey."
It wasn't just affecting her personal life, but her professional one, too. At one point she recalls going to the doctor because she couldn't get through a 30-minute show without her vocal chords going hoarse. Though there didn't appear to be anything wrong, one doctor suggested that she try the traditional Chinese medicine practices of acupuncture and energy healing.
“I started to release, out of nowhere, these feelings and emotions that I didn't even know I was carrying. Once I started realizing that I had literally been storing hurt and tension and aggression in my chest, in my throat, and it was making my vocal chords so tense, almost like when you're going to cry and you get that choked up feeling. I was holding so much pain inside that I was choked up all the time, and that's why my voice wasn't working, and I needed to release all of that and so that came from being isolated, allowing myself to forgive the people and the things in my life, my own self, my own mistakes, my own failures, my own self inflicted pressures, and the people around me that I felt had did me wrong."
"Forgiveness is the greatest thing you could do for yourself when you think you've been done wrong."
The process allowed her to go through a much-needed transformation. She cut ties with people in her life who were bringing about negative energy. She also stopped dating bad people out of loneliness and boredom, and let go of old cycles and bad habits that weren't positively serving her. Most importantly, she started living for herself. Even going as far as to change up her diet, going the more organic route of healthy greens and occasional lean meats to release the physical and emotional toxins in her body.
On her 30th birthday she took a solo trip to Hawaii and realized that she wasn't on her own in this journey, the universe was holding her down. She became open—became awake.
“I felt like I was sleeping on myself before. I felt like I was living in this existence of how I thought everything was supposed to go," she admits. “I had to have it literally taken from me so I could rebuild in a stronger, better centered self."
Getting closer to God and developing the goddess within herself also brought her into a new realm of creativity, and her light didn't go unnoticed. A year and a half after her tumultuous breakup, she found a new love interest in a fellow songwriter that she met while on the road, Jared Cotter. The couple have a child together and it's the happiest she's been in a while.
“I knew I couldn't have found [love] and even been open to it if I had not let go of all the other things that were in the way," she says. “I spent a lot of time on my own, working on myself and I think that's what's led me now to be in a really good relationship. I feel like I served myself and I fulfilled a lot of the things that I needed to do for myself as a woman, and I feel like that's so important. Women, in general, no matter what age you're at; whether it's relationships or jobs or whatever it is that you want, you really have to spend the time with yourself to be a part of anything. To be a role model, to be a mother, to be someone's girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever it is."
All of Melanie's efforts in self-work and self-love led her to the love of her life. And this past Valentine's Day, the songstress received a beautiful surprise when her partner set up a faux family photoshoot so that he can ask her for her hand in marriage on bended knee. It was a culminating moment and the start of the couple's "forever in the making."
She's finally at a good place, and she's carrying it from her music all the way down to her Instagram page where she posts daily devotionals from The Little Book of Light so that fans can follow along with her on her spiritual journey and, as she likes to say, stay #Awake.
Melanie Fiona is no longer the 23-year-old who lost sight of who she was and where she's going, but a proud 34-year-old who's been there, done that, and can speak wisdom about it. And don't worry, she's still penning and singing songs for those who can relate to both the struggles and the triumphs of coming into your own, all while remembering the words that Kanye spoke to her years ago about doing whatever necessary to make people remember who she is.
Excerpt from "The Little Book of Light"
“I would love for my legacy to be based on pure respect and love. I just think that my voice is my greater purpose, and I hope that in this lifetime, my voice, with the platform that I have with an audience and being able to reach people, will make a real impact on the world in some positive way. I want people to be like, she did good while she was on this earth, she made a difference for the better."
This article was originally posted in October 2015. This article has been updated.
- Melanie Fiona Married, Husband - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Melanie Fiona Manifested Husband Jared Cotter Interview - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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