

How Letting Go Allowed Melanie Fiona Become Her Own Woman
There are two important lessons that Melanie Fiona's mother taught her.
First, there are consequences to every action. It's part of what's kept her relatively on the straight and narrow since she was a kid. No good girl gone bad, no negative press to tarnish her pristine image. She knows that she has the power to determine the outcomes of most situations in her life, and that you live and die by the choices you make.
Is she perfect? No. Not by a long shot. She may be sweet but she's not cookie cutter. She's made mistakes. Had bad breakups. Played lost and found with her identity, which led her on a three-year soul-searching journey. Fell down. Got back up. Wrote a song about. Made an album or three off of it, and took us on the rollercoaster ride with her.
The other lesson? Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
“That's been a real focal point of a lot of the things that I've been through in my life, which is why I don't wear a lot of the situations that I found myself in that I think are sometimes make or break for our spirit, that can determine whether you rise or fall or get back up again," she shares with me from an undisclosed location in New York, where she's putting the final touches on her third studio album, Awake.
“As long as I'm breathing—as long as I'm here—I know that there will be a better day when there is a bad day, so you have to just kind of hang on to that and know that it's just making you stronger."
One thing that can be said about Melanie is that she's never been afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve. Since 2009 the R&B songstress has boldly shared her turn ons, turn offs, turn ups and turn downs through soulful melodies that capture the raw emotion of a woman coming into her own. Her single, “Give It To Me Right" from her first album, The Bridge, gave her the all-eyes-on-me entrance that was needed—mixing sultry vocals and sensual lyrics of a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it.
She quickly followed up with one of her most notable singles, “It Kills Me," shutting down any notion that she was just a one hit wonder by topping the Billboard R&B charts and even earning her first Grammy nomination. Not bad for someone who just a year prior was the opening act on Kanye West's European tour—and this was before she released an album.
We even waited up with her at “4AM" when her love wouldn't answer, because that's what real friends do. Melanie has been our broken-hearted bestie that understands the highs and lows of love, and has beautifully sung her pain—our pain—in a string of relatable ballads.
But she's tired of being labeled the “angry black girl." Okay, yes, she just so happens to do amazing vocal performances on the subjects of love and heartbreak, that part she's proud of. Whitney did it. Mary J. mastered it. There's no shame in being able to have an authentic connection with women and men who've been through similar experiences. But to label her as “angry?" Well that's just an insult to someone who simply channels their emotion through their music—a sort of a release to what others may allow to build up inside. She's not angry; she's in tune with herself. It's something that she hopes will be evident on her new album.
“A lot of the writing on it is very personal and it's more conversational, and I think that people will be surprised to hear an album that's not full of huge big ballads from me this time around," she says. “There's a lot of vibe. There's a lot of experimentation, and there's a lot of moments of just feeling."
Melanie has never shied away from experimentation within her music. Her songs have always been a fusion of old school with a new school twist. She sampled Johnnie Taylor's “I Believe In You" on her record “Walk On By" and dabbled in The Zombie's rock and roll sound on “Give It To Me Right." We've even slow wined to the Reggae-inspired “Like I Love You" and again on “Bite the Bullet."
On Awake, she turned it up a notch by playing with her vocals and finessing her songwriting skills.
“I looked forward to people getting to know me a little bit better on that album, like personally. I feel it's who I've evolved into as an artist, now being in an independent space."
Getting to a place where she's been spiritually awakened hasn't been easy. It required her to cut ties with her record label Universal Music back in 2013 and partner with Primary Wave as an independent artist. I ask her if she thinks she'd be in the same mental space had she not decided to venture out on her own and cut the umbilical chord of being with a major label. She pauses in an effort to choose her words carefully.
“I don't know. What I do know is that people don't like change, and what I do know is that, sometimes, which I've experienced in the past, people have a perception of who you are and they want you to be what their perception is. And with people only knowing one side of me, I wanted to kind of break out of that shell and people only thinking that I'm either one tier, one facet, or whatever it is."
She's not the first to embrace the creative freedom that comes with being and independent artist. Former Roc Nation label mate Bridget Kelly also left the majors to go indie back in 2014.
For Melanie, it was just what she needed—to work at her own pace. No pressure. The time away wasn't spent in vain. She traveled, collected experiences, and re-evaluated who she was and the woman that she wanted to be.
Melanie Fiona is awake.
Not the kind of woke that has you scouring social media in attempt to staying abreast of the latest injustice that's sweeping national headlines (although she taps into that as well in her video “I Tried").
No, this is a positive woke. A self-aware woke. A woke that will snatch you up out of the fallacies of life and remind you that you're not living just to die, you're here to serve a purpose, which requires you to embrace your true self and not the person that society has portrayed you to be.
Yeah, that woke.
My first encounter with Melanie at the xoNecole launch party let me know that she was a woman who is assure of herself. Strong in mind and in spirit. Unafraid of false perceptions, just simply her. Maybe it was the fact that in a room full of tight-dress, high-heeled beauties she stood out in her signature wide-brimmed black fedora and multi-colored cloak. Or maybe it was the gratitude that poured authentically from her lips as she thanked Necole for supporting women like her whose worth goes beyond her figure (although she fully embraces her bad-ass womanly curves in her music videos). She's talented, no doubt. But what's talent without the right mentality to back it up? Knowing who she is and the direction she's going in life, that's what makes her the real MVP.
On our phone call, we talk about what's really allowed Melanie to be in a place of freedom and positivity. At the height of her career when she was racking up Grammy's with Cee-Lo Green for “Fool for You" and touring the world she admits that it was one of the lowest periods in her life. Between balancing heartbreak from a toxic relationship to living as an independent woman in New York for the the first time, she struggled to stay afloat amongst the many people and situations attempting to drown her.
“I experienced the highest success of my career with the Grammy's, but the most extreme sense of hurt, anger and frustration in my personal and professional career—and I lost myself for a little bit because I started to wear that hurt and disappointment and frustration that I was feeling because I was so upset about the things that weren't happening rather than [focusing on] the things that were happening, and I couldn't see it at the time. It took me getting really, really low within myself to kind of have to take a step back. It really took gaining and losing everything in one hard shot for me in my personal journey."
It wasn't just affecting her personal life, but her professional one, too. At one point she recalls going to the doctor because she couldn't get through a 30-minute show without her vocal chords going hoarse. Though there didn't appear to be anything wrong, one doctor suggested that she try the traditional Chinese medicine practices of acupuncture and energy healing.
“I started to release, out of nowhere, these feelings and emotions that I didn't even know I was carrying. Once I started realizing that I had literally been storing hurt and tension and aggression in my chest, in my throat, and it was making my vocal chords so tense, almost like when you're going to cry and you get that choked up feeling. I was holding so much pain inside that I was choked up all the time, and that's why my voice wasn't working, and I needed to release all of that and so that came from being isolated, allowing myself to forgive the people and the things in my life, my own self, my own mistakes, my own failures, my own self inflicted pressures, and the people around me that I felt had did me wrong."
"Forgiveness is the greatest thing you could do for yourself when you think you've been done wrong."
The process allowed her to go through a much-needed transformation. She cut ties with people in her life who were bringing about negative energy. She also stopped dating bad people out of loneliness and boredom, and let go of old cycles and bad habits that weren't positively serving her. Most importantly, she started living for herself. Even going as far as to change up her diet, going the more organic route of healthy greens and occasional lean meats to release the physical and emotional toxins in her body.
On her 30th birthday she took a solo trip to Hawaii and realized that she wasn't on her own in this journey, the universe was holding her down. She became open—became awake.
“I felt like I was sleeping on myself before. I felt like I was living in this existence of how I thought everything was supposed to go," she admits. “I had to have it literally taken from me so I could rebuild in a stronger, better centered self."
Getting closer to God and developing the goddess within herself also brought her into a new realm of creativity, and her light didn't go unnoticed. A year and a half after her tumultuous breakup, she found a new love interest in a fellow songwriter that she met while on the road, Jared Cotter. The couple have a child together and it's the happiest she's been in a while.
“I knew I couldn't have found [love] and even been open to it if I had not let go of all the other things that were in the way," she says. “I spent a lot of time on my own, working on myself and I think that's what's led me now to be in a really good relationship. I feel like I served myself and I fulfilled a lot of the things that I needed to do for myself as a woman, and I feel like that's so important. Women, in general, no matter what age you're at; whether it's relationships or jobs or whatever it is that you want, you really have to spend the time with yourself to be a part of anything. To be a role model, to be a mother, to be someone's girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever it is."
All of Melanie's efforts in self-work and self-love led her to the love of her life. And this past Valentine's Day, the songstress received a beautiful surprise when her partner set up a faux family photoshoot so that he can ask her for her hand in marriage on bended knee. It was a culminating moment and the start of the couple's "forever in the making."
She's finally at a good place, and she's carrying it from her music all the way down to her Instagram page where she posts daily devotionals from The Little Book of Light so that fans can follow along with her on her spiritual journey and, as she likes to say, stay #Awake.
Melanie Fiona is no longer the 23-year-old who lost sight of who she was and where she's going, but a proud 34-year-old who's been there, done that, and can speak wisdom about it. And don't worry, she's still penning and singing songs for those who can relate to both the struggles and the triumphs of coming into your own, all while remembering the words that Kanye spoke to her years ago about doing whatever necessary to make people remember who she is.
Excerpt from "The Little Book of Light"
“I would love for my legacy to be based on pure respect and love. I just think that my voice is my greater purpose, and I hope that in this lifetime, my voice, with the platform that I have with an audience and being able to reach people, will make a real impact on the world in some positive way. I want people to be like, she did good while she was on this earth, she made a difference for the better."
This article was originally posted in October 2015. This article has been updated.
- Melanie Fiona Married, Husband - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Melanie Fiona Manifested Husband Jared Cotter Interview - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
_____
At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy