I'd known my Molly almost my whole life. We'd grown up together and shared the same faith so naturally, we hung out a lot. She was smart, pretty, had tons of friends, and all the guys wanted her. I struggled with my weight, at the time, outside of English my grades were just OK, and I'd been with the same guy forever. In that friendship, I found someone I could laugh with, share good news, and feel affirmed, but that came at a cost. Often, at what felt like the strangest times, she would throw subtle jabs that showed me how she really felt about me.
She'd find ways to insult me with bringing up embarrassing moments and downplay our friendship in front of other people but never enough for me to question her motive. My mother never liked or trusted her, and she'd always ask, "Why do you always invite her places, but she never invites you out with her friends?" But I ignored her like most naive teenagers do because there were still many beautiful moments that occurred in our friendship. We often look at relationships being complicated but so are friendships, especially with childhood friends - it's difficult to love and loathe the character traits of a person simultaneously.
And as a culture I feel like we all but stone each other for giving up on childhood friendships, and we wear longevity like a badge of honor, whether toxicity exists or not.
As we got older, there were several instances where an argument would bring our differences to the surface, so we'd fall out and stop speaking. Every time, she'd find a way to apologize to me and secure her place back in my life but after college, I'd had enough. As I started to playback our friendship, I began to ask myself if it was worth it.
Worth It Questioning GIF by Megan BatoonGiphy
For my twenty-fifth birthday, I wanted to plan a girls trip, but as most Black people will tell you, planning a group trip with us is an extreme sport (and to be fair, the lot of my friends had just graduated and quite frankly, didn't have it). I was all set to cancel the whole thing but "Molly" said, "No, let's go together." On some level, I was apprehensive because I'd already seen our friendship unraveling. After my last relationship ended, I changed in the best way, and boundaries became my new best friend. Those voices that once told me I wasn't enough, it was as if I never heard them again and I started to build a whole new life for myself - that included a career change, weight loss, and a new set of friends and things with "Molly" just became different.
She tried to support me, but there were times where I'd buy a new outfit and she'd laugh and say, "Where you going in that?" or I'd assert myself to someone who treated me unfairly, and her response would be, "Oh you been hanging around me too long I see" as if I didn't have the capability of standing up for myself. By the time we left for our trip, I won't lie, I was lowkey over her backhanded compliments but I still loved her, and wanted to keep our friendship intact.
We went to Europe and saw three countries in seven days, everything about it was beautiful - except our time together.
From the moment we got on the flight, it was clear that the small things that were apparent in the breakdown of our friendship were going to be magnified, and they were. Everything we did, she wanted to micromanage, and I started to feel like I was her child, and not her friend, but after small fights, we moved past things for the sake of the trip and our space because we shared the same room. My birthday came, and it was our last night abroad. We'd been out all day and I started to feel sick, so I wanted to sleep before we went to dinner. She was pissed, and I told her she was selfish, so she snapped. Like past run-ins, the insults came but this time it was worse - she told me she was the only friend I had, that I was broke, and all but said that I needed her. It was as if she said everything to me that she ever wanted to and when I cried, she laughed like hurting me was her mission.
issa rae comedy GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
I spent my twenty-fifth birthday in our beautiful hotel alone, wondering why I had even gotten on that plane to begin with. The next morning I checked out at sunrise, and when I left the airport, I told myself I was leaving our friendship behind too. That was two years ago. All those years of friendship - good memories and bad and just like that, it was over, but surprisingly, I've never missed her. Ever. I've learned what healthy friendships look like, and what it means to have friends who support you and hold space for your struggles, and progression. Last year, I ran into her cousin and because our families don't have anything to do with it, I spoke. He told me that it was her birthday (which I already knew) and even though I wanted to respond "fuck her", I said "Tell her I said happy birthday."
Days later, "Molly" texted asking if I'd be willing to grab coffee, but I never responded.
My life is beautiful now, and it doesn't include people who project their insecurities on me.
It took me all these years to realize that I'm "Issa", the girl that doubted her potential, gave her all to the wrong man, and is now evolving into a woman deep down she always knew she could be. That has to be difficult for the Mollys of the world, seeing us start businesses, new friendships, and overall just level tf up. But we don't exist to make Mollys comfortable, we exist to hold space for all the other awkward Black girls out there.
If you're reading this and any of these examples of toxic friendship are triggering for you, it's not too late - consider these steps if you still have a "Molly" in your circle.
Own your part.
GiphyVictimhood is such a comfortable place to reside in, but I've found that accountability is a much better address. In order to forgive "Molly", I had to forgive myself for every relationship that I ever cultivated when I had no boundaries. As we mature, we don't know how to accept the fact that, as Gabrielle Union once said, "Some of your day ones have been hating since day one."
Owning the choices I made and the person she'd been from the start gave me the freedom to wish her well, and still, remove myself from the friendship as well as cut ties with other toxic childhood friends.
Know that your Molly is just as damaged as you are.
To really love someone is to understand the dark parts of their lives and how those experiences have shaped them. In hindsight, it makes sense why she belittled me because on some level, she envied me. While I was always in a long-term relationship, she had never had a boyfriend until college. I never noticed that it bothered her because she always had suitors. But one day she asked me what made men commit to me, and I was left speechless. That conversation made it clear to me that she had voids within herself that our friendship possibly helped fill because I thought the world of her.
Accept the fact that your friendship might be changing, because you're changing.
After I started working out and going to therapy, my mother told me that I needed to be prepared to lose people. I didn't understand how becoming a better me would impact my friendships but it did, and not just with my Molly. Several friends were comfortable with me not having confidence, and staying in the little box they thought I fit in too. Much like with Insecure, Molly was cool as long as Issa doubted herself with no job and no place to stay. Now that she's securing sponsors and actually has a man that supports her (cuz TSA bae done showed up for Issa more than any other man she has been with), she wants to belittle her accomplishments and call it accountability. Any friend that can't accept the fullness of you (your wins and losses) shouldn't have the privilege of remaining in your life at all.
Let them go, but take the lessons with you.
Walking away from a toxic friendship is just the first step, you need to assess the relationship in its entirety before you move forward, and make room for new friends. I didn't talk to anyone for over a week after that trip. It was imperative that I have time to ask myself why I thought our friendship was unhealthy, and what I'd do differently moving forward.
Embrace the adult friendships coming your way.
The beauty of being friends with adults who want to see you win, is the room it provides for us to be all of who we are. We're able to show up for each other when we win, be a shoulder when we lose, and remind one another that we're capable of achieving every goal we ever dreamed, and the ones that we dream along the way.
To all the Mollys out there, I wish you healing.To all the Issas out there, set boundaries, don't be afraid to walk away, and forgive yourself because, in case you hadn't heard, the season of our lives and Insecure is gonna be lit.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image via HBO/Insecure
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
=
GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock