Sunday night was filled with watch parties, buzzing group chats, and never-ending social media posts all in celebration of the beginning of the end to HBO's Insecure. From debates surrounding friendship and relationships to healthy discussions around therapy, postpartum, and office culture, Insecure explored it all, and in a way that felt authentic and incredibly familiar. And while I'm a lover of many different types of television shows, I can honestly say Insecure is just different, special.
And I think I speak for a lot of us when I say as excited as I was for it to come back, I'm just as sad for its approaching end. But, if the first episode of season five is any indication of what's to come, they're definitely going out with a bang. And by that, I mean an emotional bang. Because this first episode was a lot to digest. By the way, I'm about to drop a lot of spoilers so if you haven't watched, head to HBO Max and then come back. But, for those of you that are caught up, here are some of our takeaways from the season five premiere episode.
1.Looking back helps you move forward.
There was something so uniquely beautiful about the cast going back to Stanford (Issa Rae's actual alma mater) for their 10-year reunion. It showed them in a way we kind of always imagined, walking through campus, talking, laughing, and making the memories that formed the relationships we've seen throughout the show. I also have to believe it served as a really good reminder of the things the characters may have previously wanted out of life and how some of those things may have changed while others stayed the same.
For example in this episode, Issa Dee commented on how since Tiffany and Derrick's first date, everyone knew they were a match. And now, here the married couple was walking together happily on the same campus. On the other hand, there's Issa who, while in school, thought she'd become a lawyer and open a firm with Molly, yet there she was excitedly waiting to speak on a panel about being an entrepreneur.
Sometimes looking back allows you to remember the things you wanted, celebrate the things you have, and re-evaluate what's next.
2.It's OK to take meaningful risks.
Issa admitting that she’s unsure if she’s on the right path is real AF.
— Shanelle Genai✨ (@shanellegenai) October 25, 2021
Like even with the best of planning, the reality is we’re all really just winging this shit.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and we have to pivot. Whew.. #InsecureHBO
Pretty early in the episode, we learn that Issa has been flewed out, thanks to her alma mater, and is on a special panel to talk about her new company, BLOCC (Black Life Opportunity, Culture, and Connection). However, when she stutters over what the acronym stands for, it becomes apparent that she's still ironing out the kinks. Nevertheless, during the panel, she's asked many intimidating questions like, "What's the biggest lesson you learned on your journey?" and "When did you know you were on the right path?" And for a moment, we see Issa appear uncomfortable after making one of those awkward yet hilarious outbursts we've grown accustomed to hearing.
But, then she does something else, she shares a transparent truth, that's she's not sure that she's made the right decision and wonders if she's wasting her time. And while that response may not have been a hit with the panel audience, it resonates with Insecure's. Because, thanks to layoffs and toxic office cultures coupled with social media's need to appear like we have it all together, many Insecure viewers know all too well about having to change career paths. And there's something so freeing in embracing uncertainty and chasing true fulfillment.
3.Some bonds are forever.
As we know, Insecure always starts a lot of conversation. I mean, one of the best things about the episodes is the gender wars and Twitter threads that appear after they air. But, one pretty clear thing is that this show is full of passionate relationships. And I don't just mean romantically. Issa and Molly's friendship has been a highlight of the show, and when season five begins, we're not quite positive where they stand. I mean sure, they seem friendly, but they're supposed to be best friends.
Friendly isn't really a word I'd use to describe the chemistry between best friends, it's supposed to be much deeper and more comfortable, but the two are clearly putting forth an effort to fix it. However, when they're at gunpoint holding onto each other (thanks to that shady Cheyenne) and later belting out in laughter, it becomes apparent that they have a forever connection. That's how it is with some people. You can go a long time without talking or even suffer hurdles in the relationship, but you're still always going to care for them, and I think Issa and Molly are a really good example of that.
4.Friends can be your soulmates, too.
Kelli deserves all the validation because she actually is the best friend to all of them. #InsecureHBO
— stacey.cash (@staceynicole__) October 25, 2021
One of the things I really liked about this episode is that we learned even more about Kelli. Because while she's one of my favorite characters, I don't know as much about her as I do the others. And when the girls are in the car before all hell breaks loose, Kelli irritably shares an authentic truth: she feels like everyone only sees her as the "funny friend." And while the rest of the characters laugh, Tiffany looks at her sympathetically.
To me, that moment spoke to their relationship. Because sometimes when it seems that everyone else doesn't understand you, the person who truly gets you, always will. And at the end of the show when Tiffany verbalizes that emotion to the group by saying "she's my soulmate, sorry Derrick," as she apologizes to her husband, it was just a beautiful reminder of the people in my life I'm thankful for. And that sometimes, friends can be soulmates too.
5.Trust your gut.
They ain’t never gon just give us a happy & healthy Lawrence & Issa. It’s always something #InsecureHBO pic.twitter.com/oWpnayD7gI
— Queen Ky (@CurlyKeekz) October 25, 2021
Whew, this one was hard to type. Because I'm one of the people that is rooting for Issa and Lawrence to find their way back to each other. Now, I know it's been quite messy and he has a whole side baby now, but they clearly love each other! Still, if there's one thing this life has taught me, it's to trust your gut, intuition, or vibe – whatever you want to call it –it's there for a reason. And when Issa was riding in the car with Lawrence during that final scene, it was obvious there was something major she needed to get off her chest. And whether the decision to end things is temporary or permanent, it's good to know she trusted herself.
Who knows what would've happened if she stayed when she truly wanted to leave? Maybe she would have cheated on him again, maybe she would have ruined their relationship altogether, or even formed a wedge between him and his child. Now, I know that may have gone too far, but my point is it reminded me to always trust myself, even if it's difficult or uncomfortable to do so. Because you never know what the repercussions may be. Still, I hope they find their way back to each other.
But maybe she can grab dinner with Daniel before that because I'd like to see him on-screen one more time. (smiles)
Featured image by Giphy
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
Jeff Bergen/ Getty Images
"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
Westend61/ Getty Images
While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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