I'd known my Molly almost my whole life. We'd grown up together and shared the same faith so naturally, we hung out a lot. She was smart, pretty, had tons of friends, and all the guys wanted her. I struggled with my weight, at the time, outside of English my grades were just OK, and I'd been with the same guy forever. In that friendship, I found someone I could laugh with, share good news, and feel affirmed, but that came at a cost. Often, at what felt like the strangest times, she would throw subtle jabs that showed me how she really felt about me.
She'd find ways to insult me with bringing up embarrassing moments and downplay our friendship in front of other people but never enough for me to question her motive. My mother never liked or trusted her, and she'd always ask, "Why do you always invite her places, but she never invites you out with her friends?" But I ignored her like most naive teenagers do because there were still many beautiful moments that occurred in our friendship. We often look at relationships being complicated but so are friendships, especially with childhood friends - it's difficult to love and loathe the character traits of a person simultaneously.
And as a culture I feel like we all but stone each other for giving up on childhood friendships, and we wear longevity like a badge of honor, whether toxicity exists or not.
As we got older, there were several instances where an argument would bring our differences to the surface, so we'd fall out and stop speaking. Every time, she'd find a way to apologize to me and secure her place back in my life but after college, I'd had enough. As I started to playback our friendship, I began to ask myself if it was worth it.
Worth It Questioning GIF by Megan BatoonGiphy
For my twenty-fifth birthday, I wanted to plan a girls trip, but as most Black people will tell you, planning a group trip with us is an extreme sport (and to be fair, the lot of my friends had just graduated and quite frankly, didn't have it). I was all set to cancel the whole thing but "Molly" said, "No, let's go together." On some level, I was apprehensive because I'd already seen our friendship unraveling. After my last relationship ended, I changed in the best way, and boundaries became my new best friend. Those voices that once told me I wasn't enough, it was as if I never heard them again and I started to build a whole new life for myself - that included a career change, weight loss, and a new set of friends and things with "Molly" just became different.
She tried to support me, but there were times where I'd buy a new outfit and she'd laugh and say, "Where you going in that?" or I'd assert myself to someone who treated me unfairly, and her response would be, "Oh you been hanging around me too long I see" as if I didn't have the capability of standing up for myself. By the time we left for our trip, I won't lie, I was lowkey over her backhanded compliments but I still loved her, and wanted to keep our friendship intact.
We went to Europe and saw three countries in seven days, everything about it was beautiful - except our time together.
From the moment we got on the flight, it was clear that the small things that were apparent in the breakdown of our friendship were going to be magnified, and they were. Everything we did, she wanted to micromanage, and I started to feel like I was her child, and not her friend, but after small fights, we moved past things for the sake of the trip and our space because we shared the same room. My birthday came, and it was our last night abroad. We'd been out all day and I started to feel sick, so I wanted to sleep before we went to dinner. She was pissed, and I told her she was selfish, so she snapped. Like past run-ins, the insults came but this time it was worse - she told me she was the only friend I had, that I was broke, and all but said that I needed her. It was as if she said everything to me that she ever wanted to and when I cried, she laughed like hurting me was her mission.
issa rae comedy GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
I spent my twenty-fifth birthday in our beautiful hotel alone, wondering why I had even gotten on that plane to begin with. The next morning I checked out at sunrise, and when I left the airport, I told myself I was leaving our friendship behind too. That was two years ago. All those years of friendship - good memories and bad and just like that, it was over, but surprisingly, I've never missed her. Ever. I've learned what healthy friendships look like, and what it means to have friends who support you and hold space for your struggles, and progression. Last year, I ran into her cousin and because our families don't have anything to do with it, I spoke. He told me that it was her birthday (which I already knew) and even though I wanted to respond "fuck her", I said "Tell her I said happy birthday."
Days later, "Molly" texted asking if I'd be willing to grab coffee, but I never responded.
My life is beautiful now, and it doesn't include people who project their insecurities on me.
It took me all these years to realize that I'm "Issa", the girl that doubted her potential, gave her all to the wrong man, and is now evolving into a woman deep down she always knew she could be. That has to be difficult for the Mollys of the world, seeing us start businesses, new friendships, and overall just level tf up. But we don't exist to make Mollys comfortable, we exist to hold space for all the other awkward Black girls out there.
If you're reading this and any of these examples of toxic friendship are triggering for you, it's not too late - consider these steps if you still have a "Molly" in your circle.
Own your part.
GiphyVictimhood is such a comfortable place to reside in, but I've found that accountability is a much better address. In order to forgive "Molly", I had to forgive myself for every relationship that I ever cultivated when I had no boundaries. As we mature, we don't know how to accept the fact that, as Gabrielle Union once said, "Some of your day ones have been hating since day one."
Owning the choices I made and the person she'd been from the start gave me the freedom to wish her well, and still, remove myself from the friendship as well as cut ties with other toxic childhood friends.
Know that your Molly is just as damaged as you are.
To really love someone is to understand the dark parts of their lives and how those experiences have shaped them. In hindsight, it makes sense why she belittled me because on some level, she envied me. While I was always in a long-term relationship, she had never had a boyfriend until college. I never noticed that it bothered her because she always had suitors. But one day she asked me what made men commit to me, and I was left speechless. That conversation made it clear to me that she had voids within herself that our friendship possibly helped fill because I thought the world of her.
Accept the fact that your friendship might be changing, because you're changing.
After I started working out and going to therapy, my mother told me that I needed to be prepared to lose people. I didn't understand how becoming a better me would impact my friendships but it did, and not just with my Molly. Several friends were comfortable with me not having confidence, and staying in the little box they thought I fit in too. Much like with Insecure, Molly was cool as long as Issa doubted herself with no job and no place to stay. Now that she's securing sponsors and actually has a man that supports her (cuz TSA bae done showed up for Issa more than any other man she has been with), she wants to belittle her accomplishments and call it accountability. Any friend that can't accept the fullness of you (your wins and losses) shouldn't have the privilege of remaining in your life at all.
Let them go, but take the lessons with you.
Walking away from a toxic friendship is just the first step, you need to assess the relationship in its entirety before you move forward, and make room for new friends. I didn't talk to anyone for over a week after that trip. It was imperative that I have time to ask myself why I thought our friendship was unhealthy, and what I'd do differently moving forward.
Embrace the adult friendships coming your way.
The beauty of being friends with adults who want to see you win, is the room it provides for us to be all of who we are. We're able to show up for each other when we win, be a shoulder when we lose, and remind one another that we're capable of achieving every goal we ever dreamed, and the ones that we dream along the way.
To all the Mollys out there, I wish you healing.To all the Issas out there, set boundaries, don't be afraid to walk away, and forgive yourself because, in case you hadn't heard, the season of our lives and Insecure is gonna be lit.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image via HBO/Insecure
RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy