

Is it just me or does it seem like, these days, folks are used to just throwing words and phrases out without really understanding what they mean? Take being a free spirit, for example. While some people may be spontaneous (at times), like to take risks or even be a lot of fun to be around, that doesn't automatically or necessarily make them a free spirit. In short, a free-spirited person is someone who's considered to be a nonconformist. And, even with that said, it goes a little bit deeper.
So, whether you feel that deep down you're a free spirit (and you want an article to confirm it) or you've got someone in your life who you sense may be one, I've got 10 signs that can definitely shed light on what being a free-spirited individual is truly all about.
1. You’re Fiercely Independent
My mother has told me, often, that beyond the standard "mama" and "dada", my first words as a baby were actually an abbreviated sentence — "I do myself, Mommy." She always follows that up with, "And you've basically been that way ever since." To a large extent, I wholeheartedly agree. Independence, for the most part, is about not depending on other people, especially when it comes to making a living. To me, this kind of person is cool on so many levels. Still, I will put the disclaimer out there that if you're so independent that you mentally, emotionally or literally live like you're an island in need of no relationships with anyone, that could result in some pretty lonely or limited living. Bottom line, when it comes to being an independent person, balance is key.
2. Peer Pressure Is Close to Irrelevant to You
Someone once said to me, "You don't care what anybody thinks." My response to that was, "I care. It's just that my list is extremely short." I promise you that I don't get what good comes from "following the crowd", just for following's sake. Humans are fickle. Humans are fallible. And oftentimes, they say and do things, just to fit in — not because those things are good or right. If you read all of that and felt like you were about to clap at your own phone or monitor, I'm sure you can get where I'm coming from here. Do free spirits have friends? Sure they do. Do they feel like they need a ton of 'em or that they must succumb to peer pressure in order to feel good about themselves? Usually not.
3. You’re Open to New Things
Wanna know someone who's tried a billion-and-one things before? Free spirits. That's because they tend to get bored pretty easily and don't like to stick to routines very much. Because of this, they tend to have lots of stamps on their passport, can recommend a ton of restaurants in their city and are considered to be pretty big risk takers overall. That's cool. The flipside is, because newness is so important to them, sometimes they're not the best when it comes to holding down a job or even a relationship for that matter. Sometimes the novelty of things (and people) is so important to them that they can't sit still for very long — which is usually more frustrating to the people around them than them. (Right, free spirits?)
4. You Do Not Live for Work
It actually wasn't until I sat down to write this article that I even knew there was such a thing as Workaholics Day (it's July 5). According to an article that I read concerning it, close to 50 percent of Americans consider themselves to be one. That's a damn shame. It's also pretty foreign when it comes to free spirits. When it comes to this particular point, an extreme version that comes to mind is Lynn from Girlfriends.
Free spirits are the polar opposite of workaholics. They typically hate the idea of being in an office setting. They often go the freelance or contract work route in order to avoid getting in a rut. And sometimes, because work is not something that is a huge priority to them, they don't have to be rolling in cash, they may not be the most financially stable on the planet and/or they may not have the most secure financial plans for the future.
The thing that free spirits have to keep in mind is there is a time for work and a time for play, no doubt. Still, there is a time to pay bills and a time to have an emergency fund for car repairs, hospital bills, etc. If you're a free spirit, you might've read all of that and said, "Eh. The universe will handle it." And yeah, that's just what I thought you would say (LOL).
5. You Know That Originals Are Incomparable (and You Are, Indeed, an Original)
All of us have moments when we need a bit of an ego boost (in the most humble way possible, of course). But when it comes to a free spirit, they don't typically struggle with self-esteem issues — at least as it relates to what other people think about them (which I already touched on). A big part of the reason why is because free spirits relish in their individuality. They totally get what being an original is all about. They like that there are things about them that are extremely unique. In fact, it's almost like they will go out of their way to do something that will make themselves stand out — a totally-out-of-the-box hair color, an oddly-placed tattoo or piercing, a fashion sense that is truly uncommon. And because they are incomparable, they don't typically struggle with envying others because others look and think nothing like them and they like that. Yeah, if "I don't give AF about what others are on" was a person, free spirits would definitely fit the bill.
6. You Move Like Water
When it comes to this trait of free spirits, a Bruce Lee quote immediately comes to mind. Perhaps you are familiar with it:
"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."
Because I was surrounded by control freaks while growing up and, subsequently, ended up having PTSD from it and then had to work on freeing myself from being a control freak myself (which I honestly have only semi-mastered in my 40s), it wasn't until I was in my mid-late 30s that this mindset of Bruce's became a priority to me. Another example of "flowing" is the first time I went to South Africa to visit my family. Because flying isn't my favorite thing on this planet, the turbulence, for all those hours, had a sistah tense. My brother said, "If you relax and move with the plane, it will be easier on your mind and your body." He was right.
Free spirits get, for the most part, that there is only so much that you can control. What you can't, you need to leave up to God (some would say the universe) and chill out. To those who aren't very flexible, the mere thought of being like water stresses them out and causes them to see free spirits as being nonchalant and even flippant. Free spirits don't care, though, because they are a lot more calm and serene due to feeling this way.
7. Long-Term Commitments Are a Bit of a Stretch in Your Mind
A couple of years ago, I checked out a video from a YouTube channel that I like called nappyheadedjojoba. I enjoyed it so much that it inspired an article for the platform entitled, "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" because that's pretty much what nappyheadedjojoba said — relationships, cool. Marriage? Not so cool. You know, a couple of months ago, I was having a conversation with a married friend of mine about what she would do, relationally, if she were to ever get a divorce or her husband were to pass away. "Not get married again, I can promise you that," she said. While it might seem on the onset that she regrets getting married (if you personally do, check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?"), that's not what she meant. See, this person, in a lot of ways, is a bit of a free spirit herself and what marriage has revealed to her is she doesn't want to constantly answer to someone or even share all of the time. Actually, she reminds me of another never-been-married-before woman (who is close to her 70s at this point) who once said to me, "I'm too selfish to be married." She doesn't like the idea of accountability and sharing either.
While there does seem to be this odd misconception that just because some people don't desire marriage, they must not be interested in companionship — or are even capable of long-lasting intimacy — at all, free spirits totally get where long-term non-committals are coming from. It's not that free spirits are incapable of loving; they just don't like the paperwork, the high expectations and the constant day-to-day practices that are required in order to make marriage happen. So, they find other ways to connect. And they are just fine with that.
8. You Collect Memories, Not Objects
I don't know about y'all, but I don't personally know too many free-spirited individuals who are "gifts people" when it comes to love languages. In fact, I don't know too many free-spirited people who are big on money or tangible things at all. If anything, they are more into quality time (or maybe even physical touch) because they like the memories that come from spending time with people they enjoy being around. This means that if you've got a free spirit in your life, you don't have to worry about impressing them with expensive stuff. At the same time, they can still be a bit challenging to please — one, because they oftentimes have quirky taste and two, since memories (and nostalgia) are such a big deal to them, you've got to put real thought into what you plan on doing with them. While we're here, another thing to keep in mind is because they are so big on memories, they can sometimes be easy to disappoint. Plus, because this is the case, they aren't always the best at forgiving whenever you do.
9. Organized ANYTHING Kinda Freaks You Out
It's no secret that while Type A people tend to be far more organized, they also tend to be a lot more impatient and prone to being stressed out. Type B folks? C'mon. How much more "zen" can you get than a lot of them? That said, free spirits would definitely fall into the Type B category. While this can be cool on a lot of levels, because being Type B means that you are way more easy-going, there is something to be said for order. Organized people tend to pay bills on time. Organized people tend to manage their time well. Organized people tend to have a clean house and car — you get where I'm coming from. The thing that free spirits have to keep in mind when it comes to being organized is it's important to remember that you can be "free" and responsible too. In fact, when you are an adult, you absolutely should.
10. You Live Passionately
Probably my favorite thing about free-spirited folks is how passionate they are. This results in them being pretty positive people. This results in them knowing what it means to stay in the moment. This results in them enjoying (and taking) sex to new levels. This results in them feeling things fully and intensely. This results in them being excited about big things and simple pleasures. In a nutshell, free spirits like cultivating and experiencing pure, real and lasting joy. They believe that things should be felt deeply, that relationships should be profound, and life is meant to create powerful moments, as often as possible. This is a quality that makes free spirits a blessing — whether you are one or happen to know one. So, if this is the case, celebrate! They make life so much richer in their own special way. They really and truly do.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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