Confess and be healed. Indeed. My confession for the day is that I used to be somewhat of a control freak. As with most things in life, there are layers of reasons why.
Many of my relatives are/were control freaks. I also suffered abuse which can make you fearful and fear can turn into control because you never want to feel like someone else is violating you again. I also have a pretty strong personality, complete with very strong perspectives and opinions; when those are not balanced by temperance and respect for others' views, that can also come across as being controlling. I used to not be the most patient person on the planet; impatient people can also come off as being pretty controlling individuals. And, according to my mom, after the standard "dada" and "mama", my next words were a full-on sentence—"I do myself, Mommy." So yeah, there's that. Plus, I can relate to a lot of what Janet Jackson was talking about in her song "Control".
When you feel like everyone is trying to run your life, in order to feel empowered, sometimes you can become consumed by that; that too can make you pretty controlling.
The reason why I'm sharing all of this is because we don't come out of the womb being super-controlling folks. Life happens and it turns us that way. That's the bad news. The good news is, if you happen to be a control freak yourself, just like you've been using all of your energy to try and run everybody and everything, you've got the power to redirect it so that you can control the only thing that you should be controlling—yourself.
How do you know if you are someone who is more controlling than you probably give yourself "credit" for? It's a lot easier to spot the signs than you probably think, sis. And, if you do recognize that you fall into some of these habits, I've included a recovery tip for each of 'em. There's no time like the present to break free!
You’re Always Right. Everyone Else Is Usually Wrong.
There are three things that I think social media has created more of—trolls, narcissists and control freaks. On the control freak tip, it's like so long as you're agreeing with someone, it's all good. Oh, but the moment that you have an opinion that is contrary to theirs, suddenly it's time for you to be berated, denounced and canceled.
There's not enough time or space today to get into the fact that if you can't handle an opposing view without going on the attack, it tends to come off as a form of insecurity more than anything else. But what I will say is it is its own form of being a "mean girl" and extremely controlling if you somehow believe that you are the one who is always right and everyone else is always wrong. For one thing, that perspective is steeped in a profound level of delusional thinking. Secondly, not everything on the planet garners a right or wrong. Some things are just…different. And all of us are just that—different.
Recovery tip: Learn how to listen. Accept that not everyone is going to agree with you and that's fine. Oh, and if you're a pop-off on social media, take a fast from time to time. Sometimes it's better to grow than to be right. Hearing others out will help you to do that.
Everyone Should Respect Your Boundaries. Meanwhile, You Can Railroad Theirs.
Is it just me or are some of the nosiest people on the planet also the most private? It's like they have no problem asking you anything and everything about your life, but the moment you inquire about theirs, on any level, suddenly they are cryptic and vague (if not flat-out annoyed). This is one example of what it means to deal with someone who wants their boundaries respected, even though they choose to totally disrespect yours.
Boundaries are limits. Control freaks couldn't care less about them because any limit that stands in the way of them saying or doing what they want is one that they will totally ignore.
It's basically like they have a sense of arrogance and entitlement simultaneously. They also tend to be pushy and overbearing. An example of this would be our current president. If that visual doesn't make you want to do some quick reassessing, I honestly don't know what will.
Recovery tip: One of my favorite quotes is something a writer by the name of Anne Lamott once said—"'No' is a complete sentence." If someone tells you "no", respect that (this includes respecting that any explanation they give you beyond the "no" is privileged information; you are not owed it). Also, if you have been railroading people for so long that you don't even know what a boundary is, cop two boundaries books by two of my favorite authors, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The first read is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. The second one isSafe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. They both are total game-changers for you, and those who have been putting up with you all this time (just sayin').
You Are a Perfectionist. (Even Though No One Is Perfect.)
Signs of a perfectionist include the following—freaking out over making a mistake, being extremely critical of other people, setting unrealistic standards, having an "all or nothing" mentality about everything under the sun and being uber defensive (and that's just for starters!).
While it's OK to want to do things well, the problem with having a perfectionist mentality is you tend to leave no room for error with yourself or those around you. The problem with that is it's basically a form of self-sabotage because the reality is that you and others are going to make mistakes, you and others are going to disappoint one another on occasion, and you and others are worthy of mercy and forgiveness because of that.
Non-control freaks are fully aware of this, which is why their life tends to be a lot more peaceful and drama-free. Control freaks think that everything I just said is totally ridiculous. And that is why they are miserable (and oftentimes lonely) a lot of the time.
Recovery tip: When you or someone else makes a mistake, take a moment to assess if it's an honest misstep or a toxic pattern. Choose to forgive either way and then make decisions from that space. You'll be calmer, so you'll be able to better trust how you choose to handle the matter.
You Tend to Micromanage EVERYTHING
Is there anything worse than a micromanager? Personally, I can't think of too many things. Micromanagers are the kind of people who let you think that they trust you, but they really don't, because they've got to stand over you—whether literally or symbolically—until a task is done.
It's kind of easy to detect how a micromanaging employer acts, but if you're wondering if you have this issue in other relationships, a helicopter spouse definitely comes to mind. These kinds of people are overprotective (to the point of being possessive). They are constantly delegating and being hypercritical. They think it's their job to double-check every little thing that their partner does from cleaning the bathroom to paying a bill. In short, they act more like they are their spouse's parent than their partner (for the record, helicopter parenting isn't much better either).
Although micromanagers are pretty annoying, the root cause of their issue is typically tied to fear. Either they were raised by a micromanager who used fear in their disciplinary tactics, or they have taught themselves to believe that if they are not hovering over everything, it won't be done right or, at all. What a terribly stressed out way to live—for them and everyone around them.
Recovery tip: Work on developing trust with others. If you trust them enough to be in a relationship with them, trust that they want everything to go well and smoothly too. Also, it's time to implement some mutual respect. If you don't want anyone "helicoptering" over you, don't do it to them. It's annoying. Very.
You Don’t Know How to Relax. Neither Do Others Whenever They’re Around You.
I've got a male friend who alerts me to when the control freak monster in me is trying to rear its ugly head. When I'm about to go on some sort of tangent, he simply says, "Relax." Relax indeed. When someone is relaxed, they are calm and chill. Everything is not so rigid and tense. Their temperament tends to be pretty mild and they are flexible with things. They can compromise. They can listen. Their stress and anxiety levels are lower. They exude ease, composure and tranquility. Relaxed individuals are truly a breath of fresh air.
Control freaks are the opposite of all of this. This is a part of the reason why they might be a bit self-conscious about whether or not folks want or like to be around them. The answer is simple. If you could choose to be tense and anxious or relaxed all of the time, what space would you choose? Right and exactly.
Recovery tip: Be intentional about self-care. A lot of control freaks are like that because their minds are constantly spinning and that's because they don't implement self-care or rest. When your body is in a state of zen, it's easier for the rest of you to follow suit.
You’ve Been Told That You Are. More Than Once (or 10 Times) Before.
Remember how I said at the top of this that I was "somewhat" of a control freak? Here's another confession—the more that I've been releasing my controlling tendencies, the more I realize that being "kinda controlling" is like being kinda pregnant. Either you is or you ain't. And believe you me, controlling people are so irritating, so draining, so suffocating that no matter how much others may love them, eventually someone will rise up and say, "You are really getting on my nerves. Something has got to give."
I know more and more that we seem to live in an era of "I don't care what anyone thinks" and all (SMH), but wisdom will teach you that accountability is a lifesaver. You know what they say—if one person tells you that you're controlling, that may be a random perspective. If five or more do…yeah…exactly.
Recovery tip: Ask your true friends if you've got any controlling tendencies from their perspective. If they start off their reply with "Well, umm, see…", don't get defensive, hear them out. People who truly love you, they want what's best for you. And as a control-freak-in-recovery, there is nothing good, right or beneficial that comes from trying to run—sometimes over—any and everything all of the time. So, release some of that control and…don't.
Featured image by Unsplash.
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The Power Of Letting Go Of Your Need To Control
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The James Room’s Co-Owner Justin Miller On Inclusive Nightlife & Atlanta’s Growing Cultural Scene
The career path we choose sometimes presents itself to us during our childhood. One entrepreneur's desire to maintain and run his own business began around age 12.
Justin Miller, one half of the duo responsible for running Atlanta’s premiere gathering place, The James Room, began his entrepreneurial pursuits by selling his drawings at school.
“I think I was always an entrepreneur,” he tells xoNecole during an interview for Hyundai’s Best In Class series, highlighting entrepreneurs making a difference through their businesses who also happen to be HBCU alumni.
“I just had different hustles, as they call them, growing up. When I went to law school, that was my first big entrepreneurship. I started my own law firm right after law school in 2006, and I’ve been an adult entrepreneur ever since.”
Alongside his business partner, Harold “Poncho” Brinkley, Miller and his team aim to fill a niche that hasn’t been seen before in Atlanta—an upscale lounge environment that is diverse and in alignment with what is currently available to patrons in cities like New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago. Located in Atlanta’s Krog Street District, The James Room offers a wide range of entertainment. From weekly events like live music on Tuesdays, slow jams by a live DJ set on Wednesdays, and b-side vibes on Saturdays.
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta,” Miller explains. “People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
"The James Room fills that niche, and Poncho and I, when we started thinking about getting into this field, both of us enjoyed that type of thing. We both enjoyed environments where people are together and enjoying each other’s company, and it’s not separated by Black and white or age, that kind of thing, more just people who enjoy good, fun stuff.”
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta. People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
As a product of Morehouse College, Miller also shared how being a graduate of a historically Black college or university (HBCU) has played a significant role in his work as an entrepreneur.
“My network started from, of course, Morehouse, and then branched off to Clark Atlanta, Morris Brown, Spelman, those schools close to Morehouse,” says Miller. “When I was there and made the connections that you need to be an entrepreneur, I think that the network you get when you go to an HBCU is second to none for anybody, but especially a Black person trying to start their own business.”
He adds, “The network you get at Morehouse for a Black man is even double because it’s like becoming a member of the network and a member of a fraternity simultaneously. So you can reach out to people vertically and horizontally, and you all share the same background in a certain way, so people will listen to you that normally would not.”
By day, Miller’s passion for law shines brightly through his work at his law firm, Stewart Miller Simmons, which he and a few friends started with a people-first mindset. One of their first big cases involved representing the daughter of George Floyd after he was murdered by Minneapolis police officers in 2020.
In addition to that high-profile case, Miller shares that the team has also represented the family of Rayshard Brooks, the young Black man who was killed by police in front of an Atlanta Wendy’s restaurant. They’ve also represented the mother of Ahmaud Arbery, the 25-year-old who was killed by two white men while jogging in a neighborhood near Brunswick in Glynn County, Georgia.
“We have some of the biggest cases in the world,” says Miller, reflecting on the nature of his business within the law field. “But my passion, the thing that I love the most, is doing things like The James Room, being able to create things where I can go myself and decompress, So I know if I like it in the environment, it’s good, and it’s relaxing for me, I know it will be for everyone else. This is one of my driving forces.”
Miller’s biggest lesson as a business owner, especially regarding The James Room, is that "you can really have whatever you want.”
“You can do whatever you want. It just requires a commensurate amount of work,” says Miller. It’s completely up to you. If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
When it comes to the legacy that he and Poncho aim to leave behind with The James Room, the sentiment is simple: They want the business to be remembered as providing a different type of space in Atlanta.
"If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
“I don’t want it to be the last of that type of space or one of the few of that type of space. I’d like it to be the beginning of those types of spaces in the city,” Miller notes. “Atlanta is growing. It’s now very multicultural because I am from here. My family’s from Atlanta. I grew up between Athens and Atlanta, Georgia. So I’ve seen Atlanta grow from where it used to be to what it is now.”
“I want the legacy of The James Room to be as Atlanta grows into the multicultural, big city that it is turning into, that the nightlife also corresponds and gives people options other than hookah and chicken wings. There’s nothing wrong with hookah and chicken wings, but you should have other options… sometimes you might just want an espresso martini.”
As their business continues to serve young professionals and creatives alike, Miller and Poncho take pride in continuously creating a place where everyone can come together, mix, and mingle, but in a more relaxed setting where everyone’s story can be heard.
“What I would ultimately like to see for The James Room is it being a nationwide brand. A brand where you could put a James Room in Houston, or you could put a James Room in Nashville,” Miller concludes. “You could put a James Room anywhere because all these places need this type of nightlife. Also, the entrepreneurs there, the people doing the nightlife there, need to see that this thing can work.”
He adds, “We have a proof of concept, and I believe the world needs to see and have it. I am a person who believes that more is better. So if you have more people putting this kind of entertainment out for consumption, you’ll have more people who have choices and more people who can enjoy themselves differently than what’s normally offered to them in their city.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image @jmilleresq/ Instagram