It Was All A Dream: How A Girl From Chicago’s Westside Uses Soul Food To Unify The City
It's no secret that Chicago is plagued with violence, corruption, and other various predetermined lifestyles assumed to be synonymous to the black community. Murders, rivalries between the south and west sides, and gang affiliation all run rampant in its streets—and in national news—making outsiders wonder if we have to dodge crime at our doorstep everyday. And though these areas are disenfranchised and often disregarded for overall political improvement, these territories remain rich in culture and actively seek the betterment for their quality of life.
But even with the daily exertion of Chicago living, whether sensationalized or factual, the hustle is no match for Bridgette Flagg, owner and head chef of Soulé, a Creole-infused soul food restaurant in the up-and-coming area of West Chicago.
She dials back her busy day to shift her brazen focus to me as we discuss her mission of bringing Chicago together, through food. Standing at 5-foot-nothing and wearing a huge smile, her bright attitude and chief-like presence instantly commands the room. I take a moment to sit back and witness what she's built at this stage of her career as a sea of patrons swarm her to ask for a photo. She happily obliges, takes photos with every person who asks, and thanks them for their business.
When heading towards my table, she immediately checks on my entree and asks her staff to bring out servings of cornbread and yams for me to try.
Heck yeah, girl, bring it.
Named as the top soul food restaurant in Illinois by TravelNoire, Soulé has, in such a quick time, become a staple for food hunters seeking ironically what is difficult to find in Chicago: good soul food. Locals, travelers, influencers, and celebrities alike, all position it as one of the Windy City's most regarded locations for home cooked, slap-yo-mama cuisine. On Soulé's menu, entrees inspired by the Mississippi Delta, New Orleans and the West Side of Chicago are infused into every single dish.
No tricks. No gimmicks. All quality.
"We are your home away from home. It's not just about entrees, sides, drinks, and desserts… it's about the feelings around the food too." she says.
The walls house local scenic art of black artists. There's music playing from all corners of the restaurant, and the friendly customized couch-seating embodies the unique vibe of the dining experience she describes. "We are one of the only creole-infused soul food boutique restaurants in the world," Bridgette laughs. "That's what Google taught us."
As a black, female business owner entering a culturally saturated space, standing apart is essential to success regardless of experience level. And although her success comes with the glitz and glamour of having long lines and serving various celebrities, we wouldn't be doing our readers justice without stating the obvious: it's not always unicorns and rainbows. "Being a restaurateur was not—and still isn't—an easy journey. I thought I was 'on my way' because I had around $50,000 saved. [But then] I read that the average restaurant startup took about $150,000. In my mind, I thought I could fill the gaps by tapping into people who could do the work. Of course, I was wrong," she recalls with a forced smile.
"I had no business plan. All I had was my love for cooking and my faith. It took me about a year and a half for everything that could have gone wrong, to go wrong."
Before it all, Bridgette initially attended Jackson State, later dropped out to attend Paul Mitchell and became a hairstylist. Informally trained on how to cook by her late grandmother and mother, Bridgette remembers watching both women bring friends and family together through the powers of the kitchen.
Her eventual transition to food came when she began teaching herself to polish every single food item she had known. "It all started with string beans," she says with a laugh. "I taught myself how to perfect string beans. And then it moved to the next food item and [I] perfected that and then the next food until that was perfected as well. And that's how I learned."
Courtesy of Bridgette Flagg
But she doesn't credit her talents to being informally trained alone. She pulls inspiration from her late grandmother and mother, who taught her the importance of being positive, chasing her dreams, and never burning bridges. This all ultimately cultivates to her brand message, which speaks for itself: "I want to bring back family. It's missing in our community."
Her "I'm Rooting for Everybody Black" shirt places an unspoken emphasis on exactly what she means and just how much she supports the uprising of the community. "I work with an organization who trains the formerly incarcerated. They go through a 10-week program and when they're finished, they receive their sanitation license. These young men are dedicated hard-workers and we make them feel at home."
I take a quick moment to marvel at how dope this is and she continues, "I don't remind them of their mistakes. Soulé's brand is all about the family and community."
And boy, does Chicago need both.
"People who are from here always talk 'westside' vs. 'southside' but [we] bring all sides together and prove that there are a lot of love within our city. And the city is looking for collaboration, unity and someone or something, from—and for—the Culture to root for."
When asked how she managed to escape Chicago's war on black youth, she explains with beaming pride, "Chicago pushed me to not become a product of my environment. I saw a lot of [crime, violence, drugs, and poverty] growing up. I wanted more for myself and I knew that my environment wasn't my final destination. I just wanted to do great things for, and in, my city."
"Chicago made me who I am, I am Chicago. And I wanted to make sure that whatever it is that I did, it was a reflection of its beauty."
Shrimp and grits by SouléCourtesy of Bridgette Flagg/Soulé
I admire the affection Bridgette has for her business, which she displays in every detail while working the upbeat dining room. I can't help but to compare the scene to a conductor leading an orchestra. Her passion can be explained simply: "When I think of food, I think of happiness. Like, have you ever had some food that made you dance? That's my goal. I want to hit your soul when you eat my food."
And Bridgette has become a Mr. Miyagi master at just that.
With few black-owned businesses in Chicago receiving as much acclaim as Soulé, Bridgette has managed to escape the stigma of owning "just a soul food restaurant"—a major drawback restaurants of this genre are often associated with—and she's surpassed expectations by clinching to key differentiators and refining her niche. And although Soulé and various black-owned establishments have just as many diverse customers and are just as reputable, they are often left out of the prevalent conversations of fine dining.
Despite this, in their two short years, Soulé has continually attracted celebrities, has ranked as one of the best in the industry, been mentioned as lyrics in songs, and a plethora of other accolades that deem them ready to take on the giants, whether critically recognized or not. Bridgette dismisses this as minimal by focusing on what keeps her going.
"I have so many customers that come into Soulé and tell me how proud they are of me. These are complete strangers. These interactions keep me humble. Dismiss the naysayers and prove them wrong. I am. We all can."
She excuses herself for a moment to man the kitchen. I continue my entree, chat with the staff, and jam to some blaring Jodeci. I take in the Bieber look-alike next to me, enjoying the hell out of his lamb chops and the ladies across the room having a night out and enjoying a bottle of wine.
Bridgette returns and laughs at the atmosphere as if it's just another day. "With the tables being really close together, at times our guests chat with guests at the neighboring tables. Some days it feels like a family get together. One day, there was a table that paid for another table, and then, another table paid for another table. There was a pay it forward domino effect happening in the restaurant and it was cool to experience. Mary J. Blige's 'Sweet Thing' played out of our speakers, and the entire restaurant started to sing like a choir. It was hilarious. It felt like a family get together at Grandma's house."
We both laugh as a complimentary plate of New Orleans-style bbq shrimp arrives. "Enjoy." she says with a mega-watt smile.
Defeated, reluctant, and completely full, I dig right in.
For more of Soulé, follow them on Instagram.
Featured image by Shaun Andru
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images