Upon learning that New York's governor issued a stay-at-home order, one of my first concerns was what I saw many Black women fretting about on Twitter and in the last-minute lines at the hair store: Wtf will I do with my hair with no access to my hairstylist for an indefinite amount of time? I wasn't worried about having a style per se. I was more concerned about having access to the professional eyes, hands, and treatments that keep my hair healthy. You see, I have 4C natural hair and while I do adore it, baby girl is very high-maintenance. I also had a bad breakage experience about a year ago due to stress, stress, and mo' stress. I've dealt with anxiety almost my entire life and when things get really thick for me, it has historically shown up and shown out in my hair thinning in certain areas.
COVID-19 shaking up the whole country's employment status certainly files itself in that category of stress — partially because I've been laid off three times before the age of 28, so job security is a soft spot for me that I tend to unhealthily fixate on. Since I could smell the anxiety and stress burning a smoke cloud up the road toward me, I pressed the gas lickety-split on different therapy techniques and self-care regimens I've learned. First things first?
So many candles from Target, the attendants probably thought I was hosting a seance — and virtual appointments scheduled with my hairstylist.
That's right. While I do miss visits with my nail tech and masseuse, there's no service entrepreneur I have a closer relationship with than my hairstylist, Astariea "Star" Martin. She helped me transition into natural hair almost a decade ago, encouraged me to love my 4C curl pattern (a hair type she shares btw, which def helps), and one of the things I love most about her is how easily she can explain the science of hair to a mostly clueless person like me.
Just when I started to panic about potentially reversing all the hard work she's put into my hair, Star texted me just to see how I was holding up. Not to inquire about my hair. She hit me up just to ask about me and honestly, she was that way long before New York made headlines as the epicenter of this pandemic. Finding a stylist who actually views me as more than just one more head and cha-ching on the CashApp has been a godsend in many ways. Her kind text reminded me that we've built up a strong enough rapport over the years for me to trust her to simply view my hair on a video chat and glean exactly what I need to be doing or not doing with it. It's also not lost on me that with hair care services being shut down completely all over the country, her business has undoubtedly been affected.
Thus, my bright idea for a paid video consultation was born.
The consultation, of course, began with Star encouraging me to calm down with all the worrying I was doing about my hair and a few ki-kis about this and that. Then, I showed her the different parts of my head that have been trouble areas in the past. Hearing her confirm that my thick lil' 'fro is indeed in a healthy spot was the relief I needed but that isn't even what made our video conference peak beneficial. She reviewed every single product that I've been using or thinking about using (which included me reading the most prominent ingredients on the label), and helped me create an entire monthly regimen for my normal-to-medium porosity hair.
Marquaysa Battle
Star also gave me a few cute cocktail recipes I could use to strengthen my hair until she and my mane are reunited. I especially appreciated the moisturizing mix which is basically my favorite spray-on leave-in conditioner, rosewater, and lavender oil — all of which I already owned, except for the rosewater which I needed to re-up on. I simply told her what I had in my cabinets and she recommended the mix based on that. Easy peasy.
Marquaysa Battle
When I say I VALUE this woman?! Sometimes, I feel so lost with styling and caring for my natural hair, particularly since I'm at the 'awkward length' stage where it's too long for some things and too short for others. This leads me to worry about it constantly. Sis calmed me down (which is honestly half the battle) and empowered me to manage my hair on my own with a step-by-step plan. I've been writing about beauty and Black women for years but I still unabashedly prefer a lil' more hand-holding on my hair journey. There are enough Black beauty salon horror stories in my past (and maybe yours) to justify me stanning a stylist who doesn't mind communicating with me about every little thing concerning my hair. If I need to cut, you're not just taking a pair of scissors to my head. Imma need to know how much we're talking and why. If my hair is breaking off, just break it to me plainly and help nurse it back to health, not style around it. If all that sounds like a given, let me assure you that it's not always.
Some stylists prefer to withhold key information, often out of fear that you may become so knowledgeable that you won't need them anymore.
Thankfully, Star and other stylists like her — because more do exist — understand that when it comes to the client and the professional, it has to be a team effort. The client is the person who spends the most time with their hair, so it's really important to equip them with all the knowledge of their unique hair needs plus the products and practices that work for it. This way, on the blessed day when we pop back into their chair, we've not undone all their glorious work. A very dope piece of advice I noted from her was the reminder to not look at doing my hair as a chore (which I often do) but to reframe it in my mind as another self-care process. Hair shouldn't be a source of stress for me or any of us but it often can be because of societal pressures and whatever our personal circumstances are at the time.
Marquaysa Battle
If you've been feeling lost without your professional stylist during these times or if you're just concerned about how they're sustaining their business, try scheduling paid video hair check-ins. You could do it weekly, bi-weekly, or once a month until the stay-at-home order is lifted. If you don't have a go-to professional right now, it's still not a bad time to look for one. This'll help you stay on top of your hair even when you feel like you're in a slump and it'll keep a few coins coming to their pockets during these trying business times.
Hopefully, I'll be back in Star's chair sooner than later but in the meantime, I'm riding this stay-at-home situation out with her as my main Quarantine Ting. Doing so has helped me sort out my hair woes and uplifted my spirits because she cares about me as a person and it shows in how she approaches her services. Despite all that's going on, I'm doing everything I can to not let Ms. Rona take away my inner peace or this hair I'm trying to grow out. May we (and every hair on our heads) all stay safe throughout all of this.
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Featured image by Marquaysa Battle
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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