

Stress. Anger. Fear. Make Them Work For You, Not Against You.
Something that I know is no good for me is cheese. You can just Google all of the reasons why dairy isn't the best thing for our bodies; one of them is the fact that it tends to create mucus. Even though I know that I need to leave it alone, even though I have tried some alternatives that are semi-impressive, I'm not intentional enough about avoiding cheese. If I want a slice—or three—of pizza, far too often, I'll take on the mindset that I'll eat it now and deal with the consequences later.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that's how a lot of us are when it comes to stress, anger or fear. Not that we like being stressed out, mad or fearful but, even though we know that there are certain things that we can do to avoid the circumstances that cause us to feel that way, we don't take the required proactive measures. We'll let stress, anger and fear infiltrate our lives and simply…deal with the consequences as they come.
Hopefully, one day, I'll pen a piece about the things we all can—and should—do to avoid situations that trigger these kinds of emotions altogether. But for now, if something is going on in your world that has you totally stressed out, mad as hell or scared to death right now, here is how you can make those very feelings work for, rather than against, you.
Stress
Stress kills. Not metaphorically, literally. Heart disease, asthma, diabetes, headaches and depression are all associated with stress; so is premature death. According to The American Institute of Stress, some of the signs and symptoms of stress include teeth grinding, sweaty hands and feet, feeling overwhelmed, insomnia, fatigue, constant use of OTC medication, impulsive shopping—by the way, there are 43 other things on their list too! What's unfortunate is, a lot of us are so used to being stressed out, that we don't even recognize that these kinds of symptoms are actually alerting us to the fact that something is way out of balance; that some order needs to be restored to our lives.
This is why it's a good idea to know how to chill out sometimes. If, whenever you do, you discover that you feel worse instead of better (even if it's only initially), that could be an indication that you've been ignoring your body and either you should pamper yourself, see a physician or both. So, in a weird way, this is one of the ways to make stress work in your favor. If you're always having headaches or on an emotional roller coaster ride, rather than popping an Advil or chalking it up to it being a random mood swing, slow down and listen to what your body truly needs.
There are other ways to let stress work in your favor too. Say that you're stressed because you put a project off until the last minute. Come to think of it, you're always stressed at work because you are the queen of procrastination. Use stress as a reason to create a schedule, implement short- and long-term goals and, even get an accountability partner who will keep you on track, if need be. If you finesse it right, stress can be an incentive to put your life in order.
Another way that stress can work for you is…say that you are in a relationship and you are always stressed out because of it. Did you know that when your cortisol levels (your body's natural stress hormone) are high, oxytocin is one way to bring it back down? Kissing, hugging, cuddling and sho' nuf some sex are all ways to boost your oxytocin (a natural hormone that makes you feel good and relaxes you) and can bring you closer to your partner as a direct result. Yep, in a roundabout way, stress can be bonding agent.
One more thing worth noting about stress is, when you know better, you do better. Some medical professionals and therapists alike believe that stress can help you when it comes to making wiser future decisions. By choosing to handle stressful matters and not run from them, it makes you a more resilient individual; not only that, but it stretches the "calm under pressure" mental muscle that probably wouldn't receive any attention any other way.
So yeah, stress sucks. But, with the right approach, it can also teach you how to properly prioritize, how to make yourself a top priority and also, how to deal with drama—or just regular life stuff—as it comes, in an effective and methodical kind of way.
Anger
There's nothing wrong with anger. Even Psalm 4:4 (NKJV) says, "Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed and be still. Selah." Be angry (cool). Don't let anger control your actions (not cool). To me, every feeling is like an emotional thermostat in the sense that, it is alerting us to when something is right—or not right. When it comes to anger specifically, a definition of the word reminds me that it is oftentimes rooted in perception—"a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire". Anger is typically about feeling displeased because you feel like someone wronged you or because you witnessed someone being wronged.
If you look at anger from this angle, whenever you feel this type of emotion, it's important to take a moment to process if a wrong (offense) actually has transpired or if you simply don't like something. For the record, they are not one and the same. I say that because I can't tell you how many times I got upset with another person, not so much because what they did was "wrong", but because they handled something in a particular matter (sometimes even with me) in a way that I never would. That means I didn't really need to be angry; I needed to be disappointed. On the other hand, when something like Eric Garner's killer getting off is brought to my attention? That is dead wrong, and I have every right to be angry. Still, I need to watch how I handle my anger.
To me, that's the first thing that anger is good for. What I mean by that is, if you are able to discipline yourself enough to process it without popping off—in word or deed, online or off—it can help you to master self-control and monitor your impulsivity.
To me, the other thing that anger can do is put a fire in you to end toxicity. If you're angry at work all of the time, are you putting a plan together to get another job? If you're always angry in a relationship, are you deactivating triggers? Better yet, is it one that you should remain in?
Anger is not a bad thing. It is an alarm and reminder to not be passive. If something is resulting in you becoming angry, changes need to be made. Make them.
Fear
You've probably heard fear being broken down as an acronym—False Evidence Appearing Real. That's pretty insightful. Not 100 percent always the case, but insightful still. I will say that what that mental approach to fear makes me think about is creating problems, issues or drama, based on your own overthinking more than anything else; you know, getting so worried to the point of becoming fear-filled that something is going to happen that hasn't even happened yet—and probably won't. I say that because there are many studies supporting that 85 percent of what we worry about doesn't ever happen; the other 15 percent, we are able to handle when it does.
That's comforting to hear, but what if you know that you're not the best at initially processing the other 15 percent either? Good question. It kind of depends on what you're fearful about. If you're scared that you won't be able to make the rent this month, is it because you lost your job, you've got a roommate who hits-or-misses with their portion of it or because you misspend? By just taking a moment to sit down and process what is triggering the fear, that can inspire you to make some different life choices—speak with your landlord, get a new roommate, put a budget in place.
Or, maybe you're staying in a counterproductive relationship because you're "scared" to be alone. What exactly are you frightened of? Starting over? Not meeting someone new? Your ticking clock? If it's Column A, ask yourself if it's worse to start over or waste your precious time. If it's Column B, maybe it's time to put a vision board, a bucket list or a travel itinerary together. If it's Column C, set a doctor's appointment to get the accurate information about the state of your health and fertility.
Fear likes to feed off of emotions and lack of knowledge. When you're willing to address your fears, they tend to become smaller. You end up with more insight about yourself and your life, as a bonus, too.
One more thing about fear. I hate heights; mere words cannot express just how much! I mean, I'm the girl who, if I get a hotel room that is too high up, I'm going to hyperventilate. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine decided to "treat me" to ziplining for my birthday. They didn't tell me ahead of time and, once I arrived, they kind of pushed my dare button to get me to go through with it. Lawd, lawd, I will never forget those first two lines. I thought I was gonna pass out! But once I got halfway through (there were eight different ones), a lot of the fear that I had subsided. It's still not my favorite thing on the planet to do, but I would do it again and my acrophobia (fear of heights) is not nearly as intense as it used to be.
Fear is a bully. Conquering it makes it so much less of a threat in your life. So yeah, let's close this article out this way. The way to make fear work in your favor is keeping in mind that it oftentimes is rooted in ignorance or vulnerability. The more you are willing to face rather than run from your fear, the more self-aware and stronger you become. As a result, you are willing to take more risks, try more things and live more fully. If you let it, fear can actually be what drives you; not stifles you.
Of course, all of these emotions are a bit more layered and complex than I got into. But I do hope that now you are able to better see why stress, anger and/or fear is not your enemy. With the right approach, each can be used to make you more of the woman you actually want to become. They can make you thank them, not avoid them.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily
Quick & Easy Self-Esteem Hacks That Will Have You Feeling Yourself
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life
Stressed Out? Here Are 10 Steps Towards Immediate Calm & Tranquility
Feature image by Unsplash
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
'I Want To Be The Color In My Home': Jackie Aina Gives Tour Of Her Posh Neutral Tone Pad
Jackie Aina is the embodiment of Black girl luxury, and her crib is no exception. Located in a ritzy area in Los Angeles, CA, Jackie’s home is equipped with all the things every fancy girl needs: an upscale kitchen, elevator, and fabulous pool. Luckily for us, the YouTuber opened up her home with the ultimate house tour. In a video on Tayo Aina’s (no relation) YouTube channel, Jackie goes from room to room, showing us her interior design style while also dishing on her life and career.
Jackie began making beauty content on YouTube in 2009, and from there, she’s grown her empire through collaborations with makeup brands like Too Faced. Now, she is the co-founder of the candle company FORVR Mood. The former Army reservist is known for her colorful personality, but her home is the opposite, which is on purpose. “Personally, because I have such a big, bold, colorful personality, I like to dress big and bold, I want to be the color in my home,” she said. “I don’t want my home to be the color. I want you to see me.”
She continued, “I want the house to be calming, and I want the house to blend in. I don’t want it to attract too much attention.” Her home may not be screaming look at me, but it’s definitely giving quiet luxury. Check it out below:
Breakfast Nook
Tayo Aina/ YouTube
Jackie revealed that she and her fiancé, Denis Asamoah, eat their meals at their breakfast nook daily.
Kitchen
Tayo Aina/ YouTube
“When my fiancé and I bought this house, I really wanted a double island kitchen, and the irony is like I don’t cook at all,” she said. Jackie explained that because she’s Black, African, and a woman, she’s expected to cook, and she doesn’t like doing what’s expected. “Why can’t I be good at other things? Like that doesn’t make me a woman if I don’t cook in the [kitchen].
Family Room
Tayo Aina/ YouTube
The star of the family room is the big, L-shaped white couch, and according to the YouTube star, her couch is so comfy you can melt into it.
Office
Tayo Aina/ YouTube
Jackie’s office houses the trophies and plagues that she received from YouTube and Shopify.
Backyard
Tayo Aina/ YouTube
The entrepreneur’s backyard has the same feel as the inside of the house. It has a gigantic pool and comfortable seating. “I’m very big on enjoy it while you have it,” she said.
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Feature image by Tayo Aina/ YouTube