Black Girl Wanderer is a series spotlighting the travels and explorations of black women journeying the world. Black women in all their magic and all their glory wander the earth, sprinkling the earth with their brown and their gold.
If you were to ask Cebi Baker what sparked her desire for travel, she'd say it's in her blood. The photographer/yoga enthusiast is the product of a multicultural family with roots in Mozambique, Swaziland, and South Africa. The benefit of being able to claim being raised by many places is that you are exposed to a variety of cultures the world has to offer. At a very young age, you're exposed to the fact that the world is much bigger than what you see. It was that taste that would act as the catalyst to her insatiable appetite for the diverse cultures and traditions the world had to offer.
As a student of the world, Cebi is a huge proponent of not judging a place by what you see but what you experience firsthand. As such, she believes every place has a story and complexities that go beyond the surface-level. "Being born and raised in Africa, I am only too aware of the negative stereotypes that foreigners learned to attach to our countries. You can't paint an entire continent with one brush, in fact you should not cast an entire country and its people in a single light – there's always more to the story."
In her search of unknown discoveries and creating new stories, Cebi has traveled to more than 15 countries and over 19 cities. Of the places she's been, she revealed her top destinations. Here's what she had to say.
Paris, France
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
August 2015
"I had always dreamed of visiting Paris to enjoy the cafes whilst people-watching, taking a romantic stroll by the river, strutting down the Champs-Elysees and visiting the museums – when I did finally visit, it lived up to all my expectations! Knowing that I had always dreamed of going to Paris, one day while we were visiting London, my husband booked us an early morning train ride from London to the 'City of Light'. It only took us two hours to reach Paris and I remember pinching myself as we stepped off the train and into the city of my dreams! It turned out to be as romantic and elegant as I had imagined.
"We spent the (rainy) morning people-watching at a cafe where I had a delicious French onion soup which I still think about today! Once the rain stopped, we walked around the city and soaked up the iconic scenery: we saw the Eiffel Tower, strolled past the river Seine and the Louvre – we didn't bother going into any of the attractions as we were only there for the day. Our day ended with a beautiful stroll down the Champs-Elysees and a golden sunset."
Pro Tip: "Take a good stroll and absorb the sights and sounds of the city. It's not always necessary to have an itinerary or list of attractions to tick off, especially if you're on limited time like I was. If you're curious and stay open to unplanned exploring I don't think you'll miss out on anything because you'll experience the city in a more organic way."
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
Lisbon, Portugal
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
September 2016
"I wasn't expecting much when I visited Lisbon in the summer of 2016, but boy did it amaze me! It was such a walkable city (something I truly enjoy) and full of charming history, cozy cafes and a vibrant art scene. Having grown up in Mozambique (a former Portuguese colony), I was also able to understand the language and I connected with the city on a deeper level.
"I fell in love with Lisbon on our first evening in the city when my husband and I trekked up a long, steep hill in one of the city's oldest neighborhoods. We were on our way to the Castelo de São Jorge, an ancient Moorish castle perched high above the city; and just as we reached it, the sun began to set and cast a magnificent pinky-orange glow over the city down below. All around us people were fixated on the glorious view and so we ended up staying until late evening where we enjoyed a musical performance and sipped a glass of wine. I love how people take sunsets seriously in Lisbon!"
Pro Tip: "Visit at least one Miradouro, a viewing platform located high above the city, at sunset. The views are spectacular and if you're lucky, there might be a wine stall nearby, so grab a glass and prepare to be enchanted. I would also recommend a day trip outside the city to the nearby towns of Sintra, home to the fairytale Pena Palace tucked away in the Sintra mountains, and Cascais, a seaside town perfect for a day of sunshine by the ocean."
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
Rome, Italy
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
August 2015
"There are few places with as commanding a history as Rome. Walking through this city and seeing ancient Roman architecture firsthand felt surreal– it's an experience that really makes your problems feel small because you realize that there were once other people, thousands of years before you, who lived and roamed the same streets.
"I talk a lot about walking in cities but there truly is no other experience like walking through the ancient streets of Rome. Every tiny cobbled street we turned into seemed to split into a dozen different alleyways – it was like stumbling through a beautiful maze of little pathways, all hiding their own secrets. We got lost a few times but I really didn't mind because each time we accidentally discovered something new and totally unexpected – a tiny pizzeria serving authentic Italian pizza and gelato, a back-lane lined with interesting art works, an empty courtyard with a little bench, perfect for a quick rest – there were pleasant surprises at every turn!"
Pro Tip: "Definitely wear comfortable footwear to properly enjoy this 'walking' city – there are little cobbled streets everywhere and you're bound to get lost at some point, but if you're in comfortable gear (e.g. some cute sneakers), you'll enjoy it! If you stumble on a little café or pizzeria, grab a gelato or refreshment and just chill – it's always good to take in the moment."
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
Cape Town
Courtesy of Cebi Baker
July 2017, December 2014 , June 2011
"Being South African, I may be a little biased in saying that Cape Town is right up there with some of the most beautiful cities in the world. I can only think of a handful of places which are nestled in between majestic mountains and the wide blue ocean. Add in its history, art and wine culture – you have a truly magical place!
"During a short visit [in July 2017], we stayed at a hotel located at the foothills of Table Mountain in the iconic (and colorful) neighborhood of Bo Kaap. While I lay asleep, I remember hearing a distant, chanting voice at the crack of dawn – it drifted with such a gentle melody that I listened to it, enchanted, through my sleep – I thought I was dreaming! It was only after I fully woke up that morning that I realized the magical singing had come from the neighborhood mosque (it was an early morning call to prayer). I'll never forget how beautifully that mysterious melody floated through the sleeping city. I was left feeling like I had experienced a hidden side to Bo Kaap, usually reserved for its residents."
Pro Tip: "If it's sunny, take the opportunity to go up Table Mountain. There are many walking tours of the city so definitely tag along to get a bit of history and a sense of the culture. I'd highly recommend visiting Bo Kaap for its charming colorful houses (and if you want to snap photos of someone or their house, it's always nice to ask for permission first). While you're here, try some authentic Cape Malay (a culture belonging to the original inhabitants of Bo Kaap) cuisine – if you're a meat-eater, try a dish called 'Bobotie' (baked minced lamb filled with fragrant spices, currants, and other delicious condiments).
"There are lots of other charming spots in this city so be sure to do some research and above anything else, treat this like any other big international city. Keep your wits about you and don't flash fancy cameras or gear unnecessarily. Strike up a conversation - we South Africans are generally a warm bunch and we love people to have a good time when they're visiting!"
For more of Cebi, follow her on Facebook.
Featured image via Cebi Baker
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy