Dear Queen: To The Woman Who Struggles To Celebrate Herself
Dear Queen is a series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a "Dear Queen" letter? We want to read it! E-mail your letters to submissions@xonecole.com with the subject: Dear Queen.
To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself:
I see you.
Although you may feel as though the crown you wear is chipped, oversized, and at times too heavy to carry, you and your accomplishments still matter. Your successes and accomplishments are still valid no matter the size, journey or criticized judgment from others around you.
At times, you allow your anxiety to trump your creativity and your own happiness. I am writing to you because I want to share a message: what you accomplish, create and work toward is larger than that defeat. It may be tough, letting the vibes of anxiety and weariness pass a frequency to you that presses you down, making you believe that your self-celebrations do not matter.
Last week, my fellow Queen had to pass a gentle reminder to myself, celebrating yourself is the first step to self-care. If you do not celebrate you first, how can you allow others to celebrate and support you?
Playing Superwoman is in your nature. It is ingrained in you to help, heal and listen to others but who is your Superwoman?
It can be you, if you allow it to be. You can give yourself the surprise dinners, positive affirmations and pats on the back for accomplishing a milestone, no matter the weight.
No matter how small the accomplishment or how large the failure, the first step is recognizing that you put in the effort to go toward something you wanted.
It can be easy to swim into a sea of regret or trip on our words but what matters most is that you tried.
Struggling with perfectionism is something that has caused blockage in my own journey to celebrating myself; so I am writing this letter to share that there is beauty in imperfection. Although it may be hard to see, there is someone else who finds your courage, strength and compassion motivating, so don't dim your own light.
You cannot always expect others to be excited about what God is doing in your life, but what you can work toward is more self-celebration. Your accomplishments are not measured by how many applauds you receive, how many "likes" or comments are posted and your accomplishments are truly not defined by how much someone else accepts them.
You eagerly wait for the "we regret to inform you..." rejection or you expect the worst when submitting your best work. You consistently put your best foot forward but forget to allow yourself grace in the process. At times, your charisma and laughter can light up a room but behind closed doors, you secretly hide the fact that you are battling between being proud of your current accomplishments and being too hard on yourself, your own worst enemy saying "you need to go a little harder."
As stated above, allow yourself grace.
You often silence yourself and your accomplishments due to fear of outshining someone else or being criticized for having the motivation and courage to go toward something they may actually want but are too afraid themselves; GO FOR IT.
Do not allow yourself to be a victim of self-sabotage, celebrate your joy and the need to want to see your accomplishments come to fruition.
There is value in reflecting on how far you have come. To see yourself and the growth you have made over the years is something within itself to celebrate. The habits you have broken, the relationships you have ended, the toxicity that you have wiped clean out of your life has helped you elevate to new heights, and it deserves a celebration.
So when you pick up your pen to create art, when you book a solo trip, when you apply for that job or institution, most importantly when you overall do something that you want to do that allows all your courage, strength and self-belief, celebrate yourself and the accomplishment.
Celebrate yourself more in 2019 and beyond! Acknowledge even the small accomplishments.
To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself,
I see you.
Signed,
A black woman working toward celebrating herself, her crown and all the failures that make the successes worth it!
*Originally published on Heather Jhene
Heather J. Macon is a writer, published author, blogger residing in Georgia. As a self-care advocate, Heather enjoys blogging and writing poetry on the topics of self-care, self-love and journeying as a young adult. She is a self-published author of "Watering her Roots," a collection of poetry, prose and letters.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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