Being your own enemy. This is definitely one of those topics that I can raise my hand and admit that I once owned a T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug with that exact message on it.
What's really a trip is, 15 years ago, if someone were to ask me if I was my own worst enemy, I would've looked at them like they were crazy. But when I stop and think about what my life looked like at the time—from my relationship, to my so-called friendships, to things that I tolerated both personally as well as professionally—I definitely didn't like myself very much. I say this because settling for less than I deserve is a blaring sign of self-hatred—of being one's own worst enemy.
Why do I say that? What might surprise you is one definition of hate is "unwilling" and one definition of enemy is "to engage in antagonistic activities against another". To antagonize is to "act in opposition".
If I continue to participate in anything that is unwilling to give or opposing of the kind of love and respect that I am worthy of, there is some part of me who doesn't love or even like myself very much.
For years, that's just how I lived. I would consciously choose to interact with people, places, things and ideas that were not willing to support or celebrate me; in fact, many were in direct opposition of those things (if you can relate, check out Trent Shelton's "Refuse to Be Used" message. It'll preach!).
If this is somehow resonating, but you can't quite put your finger on what you're doing that's proving you too are your own worst enemy, I'll share with you the list I came up with that has served as a series of light bulb moments for me. It's my personal experience that once you know how you're not loving/liking yourself, you can start doing the opposite of those things. Before you know it, you'll stop being your own worst enemy and instead, you'll become your very biggest friend (and fan).
1.You’re Self-Deprecating
There's a woman I once knew who I really liked. She was funny, smart and supportive. But she was also the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard because not one conversation went by when she didn't say something self-deprecating. If she wasn't talking about how fat she was, she was going on about how she was "doomed" to remain single she was due to how undesirable she found herself to be.
First of all, she wasn't "fat" or unattractive. Real talk, most of the time, I couldn't tell if she really believed those things about herself or she was fishing for a compliment (which is also super-annoying). But to even be of the mindset to constantly put that kind of energy into the universe is unhealthy.
Remember how I said that an enemy acts in direct opposition to you? If you want to feel good about yourself, why would you say things that are anything but? Especially if they are words you wouldn't tolerate anyone else saying about you.
2.You Have Toxic Patterns (and You Justify Them)
"Toxic" is the kind of word that is tossed around a lot, but I wonder if we really thought about what it means. Something, or someone, that is toxic is poisonous. When something, or someone, is poisonous, it is trying to harm you. Consciously doing things that compromise your health, cause you to be emotionally unstable or put your spirit man in influx and then finding ways to justify those habits is another indicator that you are your own worst enemy.
I'll give you an example. You know you're in a toxic relationship. Your partner is super narcissistic. You find yourself doing most of the work. They are unreliable (if not straight-up shady). You're unhappy more than you're happy. It's stagnant. But when someone brings all of this to your attention, you find a billion reasons why you're fine with staying.
Don't let the media and love songs lie to you. True love doesn't hurt. If you're in a relationship that is causing you pain and you won't even entertain getting out, your partner isn't your worst enemy…you are. Because if you didn't tolerate the poison, it wouldn't keep affecting you.
3.No One Can Tell You Anything (That You Don’t Want to Hear)
A phrase that gets on my nerves is "If you like it, I love it." We all know what it means. It means that even if you're doing something that warrants major side-eye, in order to avoid confrontation, I'll just say I love it so that we can agree to disagree.
That's not how a true friend should approach suspect matters, though. If you're being selfish, manipulative, mean, hypocritical, negative or anything else that's not helping you to thrive, people who care about you should be willing and able to bring this to your attention. You know what else? If you truly like yourself, you'll be open to hearing it.
Someone who can receive compliments all day but not one bit of constructive criticism is their own worst enemy.
I can speak from very personal experience that it's usually the criticism—not the compliments—that help you to grow anyway. And someone who doesn't want to become a better person, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, is someone who dislikes themselves more than they would probably ever think that they do.
4.You’re Not Intentional About Thriving in Your Purpose
Author Roy T. Bennett once said, "If you have a strong purpose in life, you don't have to be pushed. Your passion will drive you there." Your purpose is not just something you enjoy or something you do well. Your purpose is literally the reason why you exist on this planet.
If you're spending—which is really more like wasting—precious time, effort and energy chasing after any person, place, thing or idea that will not complement your purpose, this is another sign that you're your own worst enemy. Short of your health and your relationship with the Most High, nothing and no one should make you want to deny or betray your purpose. If you're allowing something or someone to do that, it is a true sign of having a lack of love for yourself and the very cause of your existence.
5.You Don’t Value Your Time
For me, probably the biggest indication that I was my own worst enemy is how I allowed other people to misuse my time. I would tolerate folks being perpetually late (not five minutes either; more like 30). I would not speak up when plans constantly got canceled at the last minute. I would let everyone's emergencies become my own to the point that I would fail to get my own tasks done. I would consistently donate my gifts and talents to the point where folks felt entitled to them.
Hmph. Don't even get me started on the relationship tip. There are some people I would pine away for, for years on end, thinking that if I gave them more time, it would convince them to move forward (with me).
Sometimes, there is a fine line between being patient and being a doormat.
How can you know the difference? Here come the definitions of "enemy" again. When you aren't your own enemy and others aren't either, there is a flow to life. You love yourself too much to not value how you utilize your time and others care about you too much to not be willing to appreciate it too.
It's hard to be your own ally until you recognize how you're being your own enemy. Hopefully, this provided some food for thought to make some necessary adjustments.
Life is hard enough without at least you not being on your side. If no one else has your back, please make sure that you do.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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