

Being your own enemy. This is definitely one of those topics that I can raise my hand and admit that I once owned a T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug with that exact message on it.
What's really a trip is, 15 years ago, if someone were to ask me if I was my own worst enemy, I would've looked at them like they were crazy. But when I stop and think about what my life looked like at the time—from my relationship, to my so-called friendships, to things that I tolerated both personally as well as professionally—I definitely didn't like myself very much. I say this because settling for less than I deserve is a blaring sign of self-hatred—of being one's own worst enemy.
Why do I say that? What might surprise you is one definition of hate is "unwilling" and one definition of enemy is "to engage in antagonistic activities against another". To antagonize is to "act in opposition".
If I continue to participate in anything that is unwilling to give or opposing of the kind of love and respect that I am worthy of, there is some part of me who doesn't love or even like myself very much.
For years, that's just how I lived. I would consciously choose to interact with people, places, things and ideas that were not willing to support or celebrate me; in fact, many were in direct opposition of those things (if you can relate, check out Trent Shelton's "Refuse to Be Used" message. It'll preach!).
If this is somehow resonating, but you can't quite put your finger on what you're doing that's proving you too are your own worst enemy, I'll share with you the list I came up with that has served as a series of light bulb moments for me. It's my personal experience that once you know how you're not loving/liking yourself, you can start doing the opposite of those things. Before you know it, you'll stop being your own worst enemy and instead, you'll become your very biggest friend (and fan).
1.You’re Self-Deprecating
There's a woman I once knew who I really liked. She was funny, smart and supportive. But she was also the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard because not one conversation went by when she didn't say something self-deprecating. If she wasn't talking about how fat she was, she was going on about how she was "doomed" to remain single she was due to how undesirable she found herself to be.
First of all, she wasn't "fat" or unattractive. Real talk, most of the time, I couldn't tell if she really believed those things about herself or she was fishing for a compliment (which is also super-annoying). But to even be of the mindset to constantly put that kind of energy into the universe is unhealthy.
Remember how I said that an enemy acts in direct opposition to you? If you want to feel good about yourself, why would you say things that are anything but? Especially if they are words you wouldn't tolerate anyone else saying about you.
2.You Have Toxic Patterns (and You Justify Them)
"Toxic" is the kind of word that is tossed around a lot, but I wonder if we really thought about what it means. Something, or someone, that is toxic is poisonous. When something, or someone, is poisonous, it is trying to harm you. Consciously doing things that compromise your health, cause you to be emotionally unstable or put your spirit man in influx and then finding ways to justify those habits is another indicator that you are your own worst enemy.
I'll give you an example. You know you're in a toxic relationship. Your partner is super narcissistic. You find yourself doing most of the work. They are unreliable (if not straight-up shady). You're unhappy more than you're happy. It's stagnant. But when someone brings all of this to your attention, you find a billion reasons why you're fine with staying.
Don't let the media and love songs lie to you. True love doesn't hurt. If you're in a relationship that is causing you pain and you won't even entertain getting out, your partner isn't your worst enemy…you are. Because if you didn't tolerate the poison, it wouldn't keep affecting you.
3.No One Can Tell You Anything (That You Don’t Want to Hear)
A phrase that gets on my nerves is "If you like it, I love it." We all know what it means. It means that even if you're doing something that warrants major side-eye, in order to avoid confrontation, I'll just say I love it so that we can agree to disagree.
That's not how a true friend should approach suspect matters, though. If you're being selfish, manipulative, mean, hypocritical, negative or anything else that's not helping you to thrive, people who care about you should be willing and able to bring this to your attention. You know what else? If you truly like yourself, you'll be open to hearing it.
Someone who can receive compliments all day but not one bit of constructive criticism is their own worst enemy.
I can speak from very personal experience that it's usually the criticism—not the compliments—that help you to grow anyway. And someone who doesn't want to become a better person, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, is someone who dislikes themselves more than they would probably ever think that they do.
4.You’re Not Intentional About Thriving in Your Purpose
Author Roy T. Bennett once said, "If you have a strong purpose in life, you don't have to be pushed. Your passion will drive you there." Your purpose is not just something you enjoy or something you do well. Your purpose is literally the reason why you exist on this planet.
If you're spending—which is really more like wasting—precious time, effort and energy chasing after any person, place, thing or idea that will not complement your purpose, this is another sign that you're your own worst enemy. Short of your health and your relationship with the Most High, nothing and no one should make you want to deny or betray your purpose. If you're allowing something or someone to do that, it is a true sign of having a lack of love for yourself and the very cause of your existence.
5.You Don’t Value Your Time
For me, probably the biggest indication that I was my own worst enemy is how I allowed other people to misuse my time. I would tolerate folks being perpetually late (not five minutes either; more like 30). I would not speak up when plans constantly got canceled at the last minute. I would let everyone's emergencies become my own to the point that I would fail to get my own tasks done. I would consistently donate my gifts and talents to the point where folks felt entitled to them.
Hmph. Don't even get me started on the relationship tip. There are some people I would pine away for, for years on end, thinking that if I gave them more time, it would convince them to move forward (with me).
Sometimes, there is a fine line between being patient and being a doormat.
How can you know the difference? Here come the definitions of "enemy" again. When you aren't your own enemy and others aren't either, there is a flow to life. You love yourself too much to not value how you utilize your time and others care about you too much to not be willing to appreciate it too.
It's hard to be your own ally until you recognize how you're being your own enemy. Hopefully, this provided some food for thought to make some necessary adjustments.
Life is hard enough without at least you not being on your side. If no one else has your back, please make sure that you do.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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10 Quick & Easy Ways To Give Yourself An All-Natural Dopamine Hit
Recently, while talking to a client of mine about why they seem to have such a challenging time releasing some of their vices, I simply said, “You know they are a dopamine hit for you, right?” While it’s not an excuse for some of the poor decisions that they’ve been making as of late, science is science.
That said, it’s an irrefutable fact that the neurotransmitter known as dopamine has been proven to cause us to feel pleasure, to motivate us, to cause us to want to put our attention on certain things, and to also get us into a better mood. And when things like sex, sugar, or social media give us this rush or hit, if we’re not careful, these activities can lean into addiction…sometimes without us even noticing it.
However, because you need dopamine in order to do so many daily functions (some signs that you are low in dopamine are located here, by the way), the focus shouldn’t be to avoid these rushes altogether. First, make sure that your “preferred hits” are used responsibly (and that you factor in short as well as long-term consequences or outcomes).
Secondly, check out the following 10 things that you can do to get a fix in a healthy (or healthier) way. Things that can benefit your mind, body, and spirit overall — so that your pleasure doesn’t come with any unexpected “extras.”
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1. Eat Foods That Are High in Tyrosine
Tyrosine is an amino acid. Your system needs it because it helps to reduce stress, boosts cognitive function and it helps your system to produce dopamine. That’s why it’s such a good idea to consume foods that are high in tyrosine including chicken, turkey, eggs, pumpkin seeds, lima beans, cheese and nuts.
2. Consume More Protein and Less Saturated Fat
Speaking of tyrosine, since amino acids are considered to be “the building blocks of protein” and protein is a rich source of tyrosine, you should also consume protein-rich foods like salmon, beef, bison, Greek yogurt, peanut butter, peas and quinoa. Just make sure that when you eat meat, you watch how you prepare it because saturated fats (like animal fat and dairy) can actually disrupt how dopamine is processed within your system.
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3. Take a Probiotic
You may already be aware of the fact that probiotics can do wonders for your gut health. However, were you aware that research also says it can help to put you in a better mood as well? Probably the easiest way to explain it is, your gut and brain are connected via something known as a gut-brain axis. And so, since your gut produces some of the same neurotransmitters as your brain does (including dopamine), when your gut is strong and healthy, it gives off a stronger “dopamine vibe” which, in turn, makes you feel better. The more you know. So, since a probiotic helps your gut to thrive — there you go.
4. Take a Multivitamin Too
Remember how I briefly referenced dopamine deficiency earlier? A few signs that you need more dopamine in your system include having trouble concentrating, being moody, having a decreased libido, your weight fluctuating (for what appears to be no reason) and you not being able to sleep (well) — and sometimes, these things are directly tied into not having enough of certain vitamins and minerals in your system. That’s why taking a multivitamin can also be good for you, as far as your dopamine levels are concerned.
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5. Spend More Time in the Sun
I’ve said a billion times before that I like random information. Well, while reading an article on natural ways to treat Parkinson’s disease, it stated that something that naturally increases dopamine levels is spending time in the sun. Apparently, when cells in your retina are exposed to sunlight, they send messages to cells that produce dopamine, so that your dopamine levels increase. So, if you like to exercise or just enjoy quiet time, consider doing it outside more often. Your dopamine levels will adore it.
6. Set a Goal. Then Reach It.
Even though there are some haters out in the universe who believe that too much hype is put into goal-setting (crazy, right?), so much scientific research disagrees. In fact, some studies cite that when you set a goal, that automatically causes your dopamine levels to spike, because it feels good to do something that will motivate, inspire and ultimately cause you to become a better person. Now just imagine how even better you will feel once you reach the goal that you set. AMEN?
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7. Listen to Instrumental Music
Wanna improve your sex life? Check out “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” Along these same lines, wanna increase your dopamine levels via another all-natural way? Listen to instrumental music. According to science, dopamine is activated via stimuli like instrumental music. In fact, not only can listening to it make you feel a lot better, playing an instrument can too.
8. Meditate
If you don’t meditate on a consistent basis, you absolutely should ponder doing so. Studies show that it helps to decrease stress and anxiety levels, it improves your emotional health, it makes you more self-aware, strengthens your memory and even helps you to be a kinder individual. Know what else meditation has the ability to do: elevate your dopamine levels. According to science, by getting still and then concentrating on that stillness for a certain amount of time will provide certain neurotransmitters in your system with a real boost — including dopamine.
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9. Do What (Responsibly) Feels Good
When’s the last time that you did something purely for the fun of it? Believe it or not, there is a pretty popular study out here which says that most of us only spend three percent of each day doing something that we thoroughly enjoy. Y’all, it really is kind of wild that we don’t prioritize two things that are directly tied to our overall happiness and well-being: hobbies and quality rest (which I will get to in just a sec). That said, never feel guilty about choosing to participate in activities that make you laugh, bring excitement into your life and cause you to feel good about life. So long as you’re acting responsibly, it’s the right thing for you to do.
10. Get More Rest
Dopamine is on a cycle. That’s why it’s critical to get no less than 6-8 hours on a consistent basis; that way, dopamine can build back up in your system, so that you will have enough to get through the next day. So, if you are someone who keeps treating sleep more like a luxury than a priority, here’s hoping that this will finally get you to take shut-eye more seriously.
Your dopamine levels are dependent on it — which means that you enjoying life more does too, chile.
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