Being your own enemy. This is definitely one of those topics that I can raise my hand and admit that I once owned a T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug with that exact message on it.
What's really a trip is, 15 years ago, if someone were to ask me if I was my own worst enemy, I would've looked at them like they were crazy. But when I stop and think about what my life looked like at the time—from my relationship, to my so-called friendships, to things that I tolerated both personally as well as professionally—I definitely didn't like myself very much. I say this because settling for less than I deserve is a blaring sign of self-hatred—of being one's own worst enemy.
Why do I say that? What might surprise you is one definition of hate is "unwilling" and one definition of enemy is "to engage in antagonistic activities against another". To antagonize is to "act in opposition".
If I continue to participate in anything that is unwilling to give or opposing of the kind of love and respect that I am worthy of, there is some part of me who doesn't love or even like myself very much.
For years, that's just how I lived. I would consciously choose to interact with people, places, things and ideas that were not willing to support or celebrate me; in fact, many were in direct opposition of those things (if you can relate, check out Trent Shelton's "Refuse to Be Used" message. It'll preach!).
If this is somehow resonating, but you can't quite put your finger on what you're doing that's proving you too are your own worst enemy, I'll share with you the list I came up with that has served as a series of light bulb moments for me. It's my personal experience that once you know how you're not loving/liking yourself, you can start doing the opposite of those things. Before you know it, you'll stop being your own worst enemy and instead, you'll become your very biggest friend (and fan).
1.You’re Self-Deprecating
There's a woman I once knew who I really liked. She was funny, smart and supportive. But she was also the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard because not one conversation went by when she didn't say something self-deprecating. If she wasn't talking about how fat she was, she was going on about how she was "doomed" to remain single she was due to how undesirable she found herself to be.
First of all, she wasn't "fat" or unattractive. Real talk, most of the time, I couldn't tell if she really believed those things about herself or she was fishing for a compliment (which is also super-annoying). But to even be of the mindset to constantly put that kind of energy into the universe is unhealthy.
Remember how I said that an enemy acts in direct opposition to you? If you want to feel good about yourself, why would you say things that are anything but? Especially if they are words you wouldn't tolerate anyone else saying about you.
2.You Have Toxic Patterns (and You Justify Them)
"Toxic" is the kind of word that is tossed around a lot, but I wonder if we really thought about what it means. Something, or someone, that is toxic is poisonous. When something, or someone, is poisonous, it is trying to harm you. Consciously doing things that compromise your health, cause you to be emotionally unstable or put your spirit man in influx and then finding ways to justify those habits is another indicator that you are your own worst enemy.
I'll give you an example. You know you're in a toxic relationship. Your partner is super narcissistic. You find yourself doing most of the work. They are unreliable (if not straight-up shady). You're unhappy more than you're happy. It's stagnant. But when someone brings all of this to your attention, you find a billion reasons why you're fine with staying.
Don't let the media and love songs lie to you. True love doesn't hurt. If you're in a relationship that is causing you pain and you won't even entertain getting out, your partner isn't your worst enemy…you are. Because if you didn't tolerate the poison, it wouldn't keep affecting you.
3.No One Can Tell You Anything (That You Don’t Want to Hear)
A phrase that gets on my nerves is "If you like it, I love it." We all know what it means. It means that even if you're doing something that warrants major side-eye, in order to avoid confrontation, I'll just say I love it so that we can agree to disagree.
That's not how a true friend should approach suspect matters, though. If you're being selfish, manipulative, mean, hypocritical, negative or anything else that's not helping you to thrive, people who care about you should be willing and able to bring this to your attention. You know what else? If you truly like yourself, you'll be open to hearing it.
Someone who can receive compliments all day but not one bit of constructive criticism is their own worst enemy.
I can speak from very personal experience that it's usually the criticism—not the compliments—that help you to grow anyway. And someone who doesn't want to become a better person, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, is someone who dislikes themselves more than they would probably ever think that they do.
4.You’re Not Intentional About Thriving in Your Purpose
Author Roy T. Bennett once said, "If you have a strong purpose in life, you don't have to be pushed. Your passion will drive you there." Your purpose is not just something you enjoy or something you do well. Your purpose is literally the reason why you exist on this planet.
If you're spending—which is really more like wasting—precious time, effort and energy chasing after any person, place, thing or idea that will not complement your purpose, this is another sign that you're your own worst enemy. Short of your health and your relationship with the Most High, nothing and no one should make you want to deny or betray your purpose. If you're allowing something or someone to do that, it is a true sign of having a lack of love for yourself and the very cause of your existence.
5.You Don’t Value Your Time
For me, probably the biggest indication that I was my own worst enemy is how I allowed other people to misuse my time. I would tolerate folks being perpetually late (not five minutes either; more like 30). I would not speak up when plans constantly got canceled at the last minute. I would let everyone's emergencies become my own to the point that I would fail to get my own tasks done. I would consistently donate my gifts and talents to the point where folks felt entitled to them.
Hmph. Don't even get me started on the relationship tip. There are some people I would pine away for, for years on end, thinking that if I gave them more time, it would convince them to move forward (with me).
Sometimes, there is a fine line between being patient and being a doormat.
How can you know the difference? Here come the definitions of "enemy" again. When you aren't your own enemy and others aren't either, there is a flow to life. You love yourself too much to not value how you utilize your time and others care about you too much to not be willing to appreciate it too.
It's hard to be your own ally until you recognize how you're being your own enemy. Hopefully, this provided some food for thought to make some necessary adjustments.
Life is hard enough without at least you not being on your side. If no one else has your back, please make sure that you do.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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RELATED
From the day they met, food has always played a role in their relationship, and working together in the food industry is what we call a full circle moment. Learn more about Bryant and Daniella’s story of finding love with one another.
How they met.
Bryant: We met at a mutual clients’ house. She was doing the lady hair, and I was cooking for the lady. The client sent her downstairs to record me while I was cooking to, I guess, see what I was cooking, and I caught her recording, but we didn't talk. I caught her recording, we laughed it off, and she went about her day.
So I guess that was the first thing that made us interact with each other. A few months down the line, I think she posted something [on social media]. I hopped in her DM and responded to it, and then we decided to just meet up and hang out. I looked at her as an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. She don’t need nothing. I don’t need nothing. It's good to hang with people who don't need nothing from you.
When we linked up, our chemistry was just so soft and just so nice. She is a great person, but after meeting up with her [for the] first time, she went back to Miami. She came back [to Atlanta], and we just kicked it off that next weekend, and ever since then, we've been locked in.
Daniella: That same client had flew me back in so I knew I had to come up here for work. But I told him that we'll meet up and [go] on a date and see each other again. When that happened, everything else was history. It just happened organically. It wasn’t forced or anything.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
First impressions.
Bryant: I knew for a fact for her to come downstairs and try to record me, I knew that she was brave, and that said a lot about her, because I barely even talk when I'm cooking for my clients. So you have to talk to somebody for them to feel comfortable to play with you, or do certain things. I feel like the client sent her downstairs because she knew that she's an outspoken, bubbly type of person who don't mind laughing it off if she gets caught doing it.
When she came back to Atlanta, she booked me to cook for her family. So while I was cooking for her in the kitchen, the whole time she was in there talking to me. It was like a date in the kitchen, and I cooked her food. Once the food was laid out, I just left. We had a great conversation when I was cooking for her, and also when she came downstairs and tried to record me.
Daniella: I was impressed how he was multitasking because I was asking him deep, interesting questions, and he was cooking the food, and he was still answering my questions. But I was in a relationship at that time, so I wasn't really in tune. It was no emotions. But when I came back and flew in to work, we met with each other.
He came and picked me up from the hotel and we drove around Atlanta, sightseeing. We went to the African club. So when he came downstairs, I was like okay, you not gonna hug me, you not gonna say nothing? He was shocked and we stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
We stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
The one.
Daniella: When we first linked up, he took me around Atlanta. He was soft and gentle. He was a gentleman. He opened the door for me and I never had nobody open the door. He opened the door every single time I was going in and getting out the car, and when we went to that restaurant. I was like, [there’s] something about him, and he was just nice, calm and patient. So I knew he was a little different from what I'm used to.
Bryant: [I knew she was the one by] how she cared so much. She didn't really know me like that. She knew of me, but she cared so much about me. When we first met, she would lay on me and just relax. For someone who just wants to relax on you, that says a lot about them towards you. It wasn't like I had to prove myself and she didn’t have to prove herself with me either. It wasn't nothing like that. We were willing to take whatever came with it. But it just was really a break. It was like the best me meeting a woman because I didn't try.
Any other woman, I might be trying to dress up, take her to this place, I did not try at all. I picked her up and I actually thought that she wasn't gonna go on the date with me because of her status and my status. I'm such a laid back homey dude and she's from Miami. I thought she would be on the City Girls, you gotta do this, do that. But she wasn't. She was the total opposite. She was a homebody, chill, like me.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
Marriage advice for couples.
Bryant: Work together. Communication, put your mind together.
Daniella: And keep your family out your business.
Bryant: Keep it private please. Y'all work it out first. When y'all make sure it's solidified, then you tell them, or let them find out on their own. Privacy is the most valuable thing.
Daniella: And date each other because people get married and they stop doing the things that they did to get you, or stop doing the things that they did while they were in a relationship with you, before y'all got married. No, do the same thing. For me, I get bored easy, and I think he knows that. So just keep it spicy. Keep it interesting.
Bryant: We like spontaneous stuff like last-minute trips, trying different foods, going out the country just off a spur of a moment. You gotta make it fun. Don't just make it all business. And I think one person out of the relationship needs to take the initiative to make sure their partner is relaxing and at peace. A lot of people carry functional depression to where they’re functional, like we're doing this right now, but they can be going through something.
I don't think it's male or female. I think whichever one, the other partner should notice it and work with their partner to get through whatever they get through, like, for postpartum depression and stuff. That's something that most men don't even really know exist, but that's something when she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her.
She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much. So you got to be considerate of your mate's mental state and their mental well-being, because when it's gone, it's gone and it takes a lot to get it back, so I think that's important.
When she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her. She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much.
If you see something not right with your spouse, help them get help. It's okay for them to talk to a therapist by themselves, or it's okay for them to talk to somebody, but don't just sit there and let them go into this decline and self-destruction. I think that's the most important, because sometimes she be overwhelmed, and I have to be that person to hold her up. And then sometimes I'm overwhelmed. To her, baby, I don't want to do this no more. She's like, you gonna do this. We gonna do this. And she reminds me who I am. I remind her who she is, and we come back feeling more motivated.
Daniella: I think business owners should date business owners because they understand your hustle, your hunger. They understand when you can have a day where you make $0 and you have a day when you make $1,000. But I feel like if you dating someone who is in corporate America, and you a business owner, there's going to be a lot of friction, a lot of tension, and I just feel like I want to date someone that has the same drive as me.
Because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to build a bear, build a man, and I have to pull you and drag you, or just being with somebody who got they self together. For instance, my last relationship. I won't say I was the breadwinner, but I was kind of established, and I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy. I was growing fast and I wasn't stagnant. I was trying to get to the next level. He started to be jealous of me and I feel like a lot of women deal with men trying to be jealous of them. Men also have ego issues where they don't really want their woman making a certain amount of money or making more money than them.
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