Life is made up of moments, and if we're not careful, we miss them. Working and living in the digital world can be emotionally debilitating at times.
It seems that every day there is a new tragic story of a school shooting or terrorist attack or hurricane, followed by an intense societal debate on Twitter or Facebook that lingers for days. It can consume your emotions quickly. At least, that's what happened to me. I lived in the tiny square spaces in my phone rather than the life happening right in front of me. I was focusing on how to be better for the digital world, not my actual world. I forgot how to live, breathe, and hustle, constantly focused on what others were doing or what they thought of my life.
Related: Why Taking a Break From Social Media Is Critical for My Self-Care Routine
On top of that, our culture ties success to your social standing. Due to that, a lot of people will tell you that how bad it is to take a break. To many people, success only looks one way and is only achieved one way.
But success means significantly more than the dollars in your bank account or titles on your resume (albeit, very nice).
Personal and professional success is built on others; the way you make them feel, the impact you have on their lives, the way you help those who can't help themselves. Success is more than the self-help articles allude to. It takes more than just working yourself ragged every day. Success looks so different at 29 than it did at 24, or even 27. It will look different at 40, 56 and 70. Here are some ways to get out of your own way and succeed:
Keep Challenging Yourself Against Your Own Standards
This is in regards to life, love, career, travel; challenge yourself in everything you do. It is imperative that you find your purpose and pursue it with ferocity. By living in fear, you give up on the potential of life. It creates self-doubt to a paralyzing degree. It's akin to signing the Terms of Agreement without actually reading the terms. "Don't do that, it won't end well." "Why would you go there? You know you won't enjoy it." Don't limit what you can do based on what someone told you. It creates self-doubt to a paralyzing degree.
A life based on others is not a successful life. Step out on fear and rely on yourself.
Relish In Your Hobbies
It's extremely difficult to feel good about being disconnected. I used to listen to my vintage collection of vinyl records every night but hadn't done so in about a year. I used to do small paintings to clear my mind but haven't touched a paint brush in years. Why? Because I'm too busy of course. Isn't that what we all say? Well, I'm calling bullsh*t and taking back my free time. You should, too. One night of wine-induced record listening provided me with a week's worth of energy to take to work. One Sip N' Strokes on a random Wednesday gave me the energy of three coffees from Starbucks. In those moments, I remembered the key to being successful, and that is me.
Always Double Check Your Friend Inventory
Friendships change over time, just like people. It's always been a personal obstacle finding worthy friends. Often times, I find myself invested in a relationship that is as one-sided as a police interrogation mirror. Young women need a tribe of supportive and empowering peers, not women trying to judge or compete. If you feel like a friend isn't genuine, you're probably right. Don't waste time trying to placate or value someone who doesn't care for you or doesn't support you; life's too short. By moving this person to the back of the theater, I learned I can still be there for that person; their negative vibes just won't influence my happiness anymore.
Not everyone needs a front row to your life, some people are best left in balcony seating.
When you put your phone down and jump into life, you amaze yourself. Forgotten are the newest likes on your photo, or how to get the right video for Snapchat; immediately you start living in the moment. You start to remember the things that make you happy, the things from your childhood that brought you immense pleasure and satisfaction. The sun shines a bit brighter, the grass smells a bit better. Sometimes all you need to succeed is nothing at all.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Get Out of Your Own Way To Blogging Success â Corbett Barr âş
- Get Out of Your Own Way at Work . . . and Help Others Do the Same âş
- Getting Out of Your Own Way | Psychology Today âş
- 8 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way (and Achieve Success!) - Essence âş
- Succeed at Work: How to Get Out of Your Own Way | Psychology ... âş
- How to Get Out of Your Own Way on the Path to Success | Inc.com âş
- 7 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Things Done âş
- Get Out Of Your Own Way To Get Ahead. Here's How âş
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Yep, me. Little oleâ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, yâall better quit letting people tell you what youâre called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe Iâve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is â âYou better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big âole party for all of the work that youâre about to do.â And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, âAnd you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.â
Why do I emphasize that point so much? Itâs because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think itâs important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife â or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
Itâs Time to Stop âLiving for the Fairy Taleâ
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that Iâve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan âA diamond is foreverâ and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, Iâll just let you read Insiderâs âHere's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,â if youâre interested.
And as far as marriage goes, donât even get me started on the whole âIâm living for the fairy taleâ narrative that gets pushed incessantly. Iâve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means âa story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creaturesâ and âan incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.â Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that âcharm is deceitfulâ (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, whatâs up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric thatâs so popular and also, so⌠âsillyâ is the first word that comes to mind, âunrealisticâ is the second and âunnecessaryâ is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom â all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldnât afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it â even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your âwhyâ?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and donât get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) â WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, âWhen you find your âwhyâ, you will find a way to make it happen.â And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there arenât enough âwhyâ questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying âwhyâ you want a huge wedding is nothing more than âbecause I want toâ or âwhyâ you chose the man that you did is simply âI love himâ â Iâve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply arenât good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thingâŚnot by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while now, you know that Iâm good for throwing some Scripture in; itâs a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word thatâs used to define it in the Bible is âhelpmateâ (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual â in this case, a husband.
While weâre here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and itâs good. Lawd, I canât tell you how many wife clients Iâve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does âgood helpâ look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into âAm I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?â
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that Iâm not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the âprincess treatment.â Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is âFathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queenâ â and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, âAn excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.â
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. Itâs not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do â and itâs not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Yâall, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, Iâll just end this part of the article with, âIf youâre not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, youâre not ready to be a wife.â Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (Iâm writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people donât have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when youâre dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person youâre seeing keeps their word â and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying âI do.â And while weâre here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly donât see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it â to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way â down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a âtrickâ that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldnât feel like they are falling for someone when theyâre able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big oleâ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isnât even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you donât want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you donât want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you donât want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you donât want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you donât want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual â marriage isnât for you.
Youâd be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I donât mean marry yourself; you are already âoneâ with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce becauseâŚdivorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union â yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. Itâs not a party. Itâs a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Donât Get Married Until Youâre Sure That You WantâŚBOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I donât immediately respond with, âCongrats! Thatâs awesome.â NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, âFor real. Why?â WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, âWhat do you mean âwhyâ?â and then follow that up with, âBecause Iâm in loveâ orâŚthey donât really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesnât really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT â Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think youâve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because youâre both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, thatâs not asking enough. I donât care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I donât care how much divorce has been normalized. I donât care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (itâs not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (itâs not) â marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just saidâŚnot simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, thatâs a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: itâs because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for â not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; youâll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: âWhen it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesnât excite you more than being a bride â wait. Youâre not ready yet.â
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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