Why I’m OK When Certain Friendships In My Life End
I remember watching Girls Trip and feeling like I was watching my own group of friends on-screen. Each friend (or character) within the group brought something different to the table, and each woman needed the other for different reasons based on their bond.
It seems the older I get, however, the more cognizant I am about who I call a friend, an associate, or even how I categorize certain friends. I realize that I'm likely categorized by some of my friends based on the type of friend I am to them as well. For example, sometimes you need the "let's get lit" friend, and other times you need the "let's get a prayer going" type of friend.
It's inevitable that there are some friends who may not be the same type of friend we need or want based on where we are in our lives – we grow, we change, we evolve. There's a familiar verse that says: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1), and the same applies to certain friendships.
Although it's not always comfortable, there comes a point in our lives when we have to decide if we're going to: renew, relax (take a break), re-categorize (or re-prioritize), or release (let go of) certain friendships. I used to struggle quite a bit with this reality, but I've learned to embrace it especially when the change is for the better. I've learned that although the friendship may change or end, my love for the person doesn't have to end.
Over the years, I've observed through my personal experiences that there are four main factors that impacted and changed some of my friendships, and they can impact yours as well.
Mindsets have changed.
Positive thinking and positive energy is so important, and they're also contagious. The more I surround myself around positive energy and people, the more I am empowered and inspired to keep going after my goals. Hence, I can admit that I have had to distance myself from certain people or completely end certain friendships because they were too negative, too spiritually draining, or because I realized we were going or growing in two totally different directions.
Although we can influence people to change, we can't force people to change. For a lot of people, change makes them uncomfortable, so they would rather stay where they are instead of grow and evolve. I understand also that my willingness to step out of my comfort zone makes other people uncomfortable.
Not to mention the fact that some friends are committed to who you used to be versus who you are becoming. I've affirmed, however, that just because they're committed to who I used to be doesn't mean they're committed to who I'm destined to be. Like the saying goes, "if they can't grow with you, then they can't go with you." This doesn't always mean that the friendship has to completely end. It may mean that it's time for you to re-categorize the friendship, distance yourself, or change your expectations for certain friends.
Priorities have changed.
Marriage, babies, careers, businesses, ministry, illnesses, major life changes…all of these things, and more, can directly impact a friendship. Most of my friends will tell you – I love my girls (the show Girlfriends is still, to this day, one of my favorite shows of all time), and I love a girls' night out. However, as a married, career-oriented, purpose-driven woman, the reality is that they are no longer my first priority (and vice versa for them).
I had a friend who was mad at me one year because I couldn't attend their wedding even though: 1) I found out about it only a few months prior to it occurring, 2) It was an extremely busy year that required a lot of travel and financial resources due to my career and side-hustle, as well as my BFF's wedding, for which I was the maid of honor, and 3) I still gave them a gift. Since then, our friendship has changed somewhat, but I refuse to feel bad for prioritizing my life over one day.
They say, "People make time for what they care about," but I also think there needs to be some degree of consideration for certain friends' lives, as well as situations that others may not be aware of.
I understand that I can't expect my friends to be at every single event or to always show up for me. Support looks different to different people, and it's shown in different ways, even beyond someone's physical presence.
Beyond that, friendships can change as a result of how the friendship is prioritized. I am not a perfect friend by far, but I am that friend who goes hard for my friends. However, I am no longer that friend who consistently makes someone else a priority when they've made it clear that the friendship isn't as much a priority for them, and you don't have to be that friend either.
I am no longer committed to bending over backwards for people who aren't even willing to bend a knee for me.
Last year, at the DreamHer conference in Atlanta, Dr. Nicole Garner Scott posed a great question when she asked: "Are the people you're committed to just as committed to you?" Your answer to this question will help you determine if it's time to re-prioritize a friendship, or anything for that matter.
Loyalties have changed.
"Loyalty is about the people who stay true to you behind your back."
What is a friendship if there is no loyalty, and especially if they can't be trusted? Some people can be loyal to you one day but stab you in the back the next day. Unfortunately, this has happened to me on more than one occasion (including the ultimate betrayal when I was in college). Although it hurt then, it's clear to me now that they were never really my friend and I no longer needed that friendship. As Beyonce likes to say, "Thank God I found the good in goodbye."
Interests have changed.
Listen, I loved college. I loved a lot of the things I did when I was in college, but now, I'm 15 years removed from that time in my life. Some of the interests I had back then are no longer appealing to me, let alone relevant to my current life. Simply put, just because they're connected to your past doesn't mean they're tied to your future.
Drake said, "No new friends," but as with almost anything in life, sometimes it's okay to purge in order to make room for something (or someone) better. Over the years, I have been blessed to maintain a lot of my life-long friendships, but I've also been blessed to develop new friendships even via social media. No matter how old or new the friendship may be and regardless of the "ship" that you're on (friendship, relationship, "situationship", etc.), just make sure it's headed in the right direction.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
The 5 Must-Have Friends Everyone Needs
How To Build A Squad Of Empowering Friends
My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy