I Said Goodbye To Negative Self-Talk
In the past couple of years, I've seen a lot of social media buzz about being positive and happy, which is great. However, if you're anything like me, positivity isn't something you grew up around. I didn't know what it meant to manifest and affirm the goals and lifestyle I wanted to obtain for myself. Growing up as a Haitian American, I was always taught to work hard, keep my head down, and do right by people. Speaking life into myself was unheard of.
It wasn't until I got close to my mid-20s that I started experiencing life for myself and began to understand that happiness is my responsibility. I'd dug myself into a black hole of negativity.
After finishing undergrad, I figured life would just jump-start because I did everything I was supposed to do. Wrong. Life looked me in my eyes and said, "It's time to find yourself, and I'm about to drag you through the mud because these lessons will be the testimony that will heal you and others."
At the time, I felt like I was being picked on. I was being hit with challenges left and right. From 2015 to present, I've gone through so many jobs that I've lost count, I've lost loved ones, and I've lost myself. I've even cried myself to sleep. There were times I was unsure if I was even worthy of being alive.
Seriously, how could I be this vessel for others when life keeps kicking my ass? Why would God hurt me like this?
This is going to sound cliché, but it's true what they say: When you're at your lowest---by yourself and desperate for answers---you find yourself. I was forced to look at my journey and dissect each situation. I had to take full responsibility for the part I played in every experience. I had to realize that despite the bad times, I made it through it all and there was always a lesson.
Here's the thing about life, we don't learn the lessons on our time, but the right time. It takes some maturity, self-love, and patience to fully appreciate the trials. Honestly, I was tired of recycled experiences and pain, so I knew from within it was time to make a change. It was time muster up some faith.
It doesn't happen overnight, and I'm not here to sell you a dream. Negativity was and sometimes is still a norm because it's always been my comfort zone. When things didn't go my way, I would lean on negativity to validate that I'm not worthy or some other lame excuse. I realized that to heal and bring the life that I want into fruition, I had to seek help outside of myself. I started going to therapy, which has been a blessing. It was the first time in my life that I didn't feel guilty for sharing my experiences and expressing myself wholeheartedly without judgement.
I had to trick myself into happiness. I know you all have heard the phrase, "Fake it until you make it." Well, manifest it until it's in your physical and spiritual possession. I have several positive apps that send me affirmations daily including Costar, Selfish Babe, The Pattern, and Idillionare. Every morning, I acknowledge my feelings, but I still push myself to start the day with gratitude.
I now find small things to be grateful for throughout the day. I listen to positive music and read books around wellness. I end each day by simply saying thank you.
It takes time to get into this routine, but I promise that you're worth it. Take the time you need to realize your greatness, but please remember that you are extraordinary. You weren't created to be mediocre.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images