Are You A "Comfort Zone Addict"?
Back when I used to write for the major paper here in Nashville, a rule of thumb when it came to sourcing was Wikipedia was an absolute no-no. There are a billion reasons why, but when it comes to what a clear and concise definition of comfort zone is, I think it breaks it all down pretty well. According to Wikipedia, a comfort zone is "a psychological state in which things feel familiar to a person and they are at ease and in control of their environment". On the surface, that sounds pretty good right? What's wrong with wanting to be in familiar surroundings that put you at ease and make you feel like you are in control? Nothing. To a point.
Stuff starts to get weird and unhealthy when what's familiar—whether it's a person, place, thing or idea—is no longer serving you, when "being at ease" is synonymous with being stagnant and, you're so in control that you won't allow life to teach you anything or introduce you to something new. When your world gets to this point and place, you are well on your way to becoming a comfort zone addict—someone who habitually remains in a space that keeps them from flourishing and thriving.
And that's what we're going to explore today; eight signs that you very well could be addicted to your comfort zone and why you should go cold turkey and stop if you are. A wise person once said that, "Great things never come from comfort zones." When it comes to living one's best life, I would definitely have to agree. Are you ready to know for sure if you are too comfortable in your comfort zone?
Your Daily Routine Resembles a Hamster Wheel
Don't get me wrong. A lot of people could stand to have more of a daily routine because the benefits of doing so are endless. Daily routines can help to keep you organized. Daily routines can help you to manage your time better. Daily routines can hold you accountable to getting things done. Daily routines are necessary; very much so.
But as I share, as often as I can, Aristotle once said, "The excess of a virtue is a vice." In other words, anything that lacks balance can end up being totally unhealthy—or, at the very least, counterproductive—for us. When it comes to daily routines, if they are so rigid and regimented that you don't leave room for trying something new or even taking time off when your mind or body says that you need it, well, you could find yourself being more busy than productive.
Remember, the hamster spends a lot of time running around in that wheel. At the same time, at the end of the day, he's not really getting anywhere. Moral to the story is, if your daily routine doesn't ultimately help you to make great progress, you need to switch things up because it's actually working more against than for you than you think.
Risk Is the Ultimate Four-Letter Cuss Word to You
Some people hate to take risks. To a certain extent, I can see why. One definition of risk is "exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance" and who wants to be here doing stuff that is considered dangerous? However, another definition is "to venture upon; take or run the chance of" and yes, that is always worth, at least the consideration of doing. The key is to do your best to take risks that are wise and will serve you well.
How can you know for sure what those are? Ironically, that's where the risky part comes in. But what I will say is prayer, meditation, common sense and creating short- and long-term goals can help immensely. For instance, when I decided, 20 years ago this year, to write full-time, believe me when I say that it was quite the risk; especially financially. But before I did it, I spent time making connections, building up a portfolio, creating a personal mission statement (so I could be clear on what niche I would serve best in) and I disciplined myself to write daily (to the point now that sometimes I am able to pen 10,000-15,000 words on a daily basis, if needed). I didn't just up and decide "I'm a writer" and throw all caution to the wind; I prepared to become one. No one said that taking risks don't come without preparation. Only foolish people believe otherwise.
Best-selling author, Paulo Coelho once said, "If it's still on your mind, it's worth taking the risk." From an overall standpoint, I agree because, if something won't seem to let you go, that means it is something that is unresolved (and needs to be addressed) on some level in your life. Just make sure that you take some time out to process why it weighs so heavily on your mind. For example, if your ex keeps taking up space in your head and heart and he mistreated you, I wouldn't say that you should "take a risk" and try and get back with him. What you might want to do, though, is "take a risk" and see a therapist, counselor or relationship coach (even if it makes you uncomfortable, at first) or, take a risk and date someone who isn't your "typical type" (check out "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?").
Some people treat the word "risk" like it's the ultimate cuss word because they automatically think if something makes them uncomfortable, they shouldn't do it. The bigger focus should be if the risk is going to result in self-harm in some way. A lot of things that make us uneasy won't kill us; they will simply encourage us to step out from our usual norm. That's exactly what a "wise risk" does and that's almost always a good thing.
You Think Peace Means Always Being Comfortable
Let's touch on that uncomfortable thing a bit more. I know some people who are always complaining about how unfulfilled they are, but still, they won't make any real changes in their life. When I inquire why, some of them say that even though they aren't exactly "thrilled" every day with how their life is going, things are peaceful, so why should they rock the boat? Listen, silence is one thing. Peaceful is something else. If you've read enough of my articles on the site, you know that I totally adore the Hebrew language (because it's the original language of the Bible) and the Hebrew word for peace is "shalom". Shalom ultimately breaks down into being whole and complete (among a few other things).
Keeping that in mind, say that you're currently working at a job that pays you well. Problem is, it doesn't really challenge you, there's no room for promotion, and you don't feel like your strengths are being utilized. Sure, your bills are getting paid on time (and that's certainly a valid point), but that doesn't change the fact that you almost feel like a dead woman walking on a daily basis. Sis, that's not peace. If where you spend 6-10 hours of your time each day isn't helping to make you feel more whole and at peace with your life, you are actually in a state of anti-peace. It's time to do something different. Sooner than later, too.
If It’s Not Already Been Done Before, You Talk Yourself Out of Doing It
Let's bring Scripture into this conversation for just a moment, shall we? If you look at Genesis 1:1(NKJV), the Bible says, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." Our first introduction to God is Him being a creator. To create is "to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes". When you read that, what's the word that immediately jumped out at you? For me, it was "unique". To create is to do something that is unique. Something that is truly unique is something that exists only as one, something that is totally incomparable and, something that is unusual.
I dig creatives. Not just people who profess they are one, but those whose life stories and inventions reveal that they truly are creative beings. They're the ones who didn't feel like they needed to follow a blueprint or do what someone else has already done in order to make things happen. They are the individuals who come up with an idea or concept that has people looking at them like, "Ninja, are you crazy?!" A risk-taker responds to that question with a grin and an up-and-down head nod. A comfort zone addict takes that as I sign that they shouldn't step out. To them, if other people don't "get it", it shouldn't be done.
If you tend to fall into Category B more than you'd care to admit, here's something to keep in mind.
The ideas that come to your mind that you can't really compare to something else, 8 times out of 10, those are the ones that you should consider to be the truly creative ones. And since your Creator does unique things (like creating you, for example), it is actually an act of honor and worship to God to give it a shot. Just think if the Spirit rethought making you because you hadn't already existed before. Just think about how much the world would've missed out because of it. Create, sis. If you don't do anything else in this life, make sure that you do that!
You Don’t Fully Utilize Your Gifts and Talents
Listen, anything you're doing (on the professional tip) that is not encouraging you to make the absolute most of your God-given gifts and talents is wasting your time. Wasting? Yes, because waste means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return". The happiest and most self-satisfied people I know aren't the wealthiest. They are the ones who get to get up, each and every day, and do what they love—what they are good at, what makes them feel like they aren't even really working (minus the required self-discipline, of course).
By no means am I saying that if you realize you aren't using your gifts and talents that you should quit your job today (you also can't use them if you don't have a place to live after getting evicted for not paying your bills). What I am saying is that, at the very least, you should ponder over what you can do that will help you to tap more into the things that you were naturally born with. A lot of people don't realize that comfort can be a real waste. Please don't be one of them.
Even If You’ve Got a Bucket List, Nothing Is Checked Off on It
It's my humble opinion that everyone, even kids, should have a bucket list. They help to give our life (more) meaning and direction. They hold us accountable to have fun and try out new things. They are a great way to create wonderful memories. They are one way to set short- and long-term goals. They teach us things about ourselves, others and the world around us as a whole. They also help to make sure that we aren't stagnant; that we keep moving forward.
I once read a study that stated 95 percent of people have bucket lists. It also said that 66 percent said they intended to check one thing off a year. A year? With some of my clients, every time their birthday rolls around, we jot down their age and then come up with as many things as their age is to do before their next birthday rolls around. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. One way to make life feel bigger and even better is to create a bucket list and commit to knocking at least 10 things off of it on an annual basis (because who said that you can't edit or add to your list as time moves on?).
You Are Mad Impatient
An author by the name of Laura Teresa Marquez provided some great fortune-cookie-and-beyond insight when she said, "When we get impatient because something is taking too long, we should remember that Life waits on us a thousand times more than we wait on." To me, this means that life is waiting on us to line up with the plans that it already has for us than we're waiting on life to reveal them. This quote definitely came to mind while I re-watched KevOnStage's documentary,A Calculated Risk. This youth pastor-turned-comedian-turned-9-to-5 person-turned-self-made man has quite a wonderful yet super-sacrificial story about how he took risks in order to live out his dreams. If you know anything about Kev, you can vouch for the fact that while he's not an overnight success, years later (not 2-3 either; several) stuff is really starting to pay off—BIG TIME.
A lot of people who are comfort zone addicts, they've already got all that they need to thrive in their own lane too. But if they don't see things that they attempt manifest in one year or less, they tend to quit. Unlike with Kev's journey, what that ends up doing them is costing them—BIG TIME. Stepping outside of one's comfort zone requires waiting, delays and disappointments. Your being willing to push through all of that for the greater goal is what will make it well worth your while. It's what some of the best success stories are made up of as well.
You’re Bored. Most of the Time.
"Bored" is a great word. The reason why I say that is because it's got a ton of different meanings, and all of them can alert you to whether or not you're living your life as "BIG" as you should be.
What are some clear indications that you are currently bored with the way your life is going (or not going)? You complain a lot. You always need somebody or something to keep you entertained. You tend to have many vices. You rarely feel inspired to get out of bed in the mornings. You wrestle with the green-eyed monster (envy). You're irrationally competitive with other people. You're critical—including super self-critical. I could go on and on, chile, but it all basically boils down to being weary with your life…because you're existing more than you're actually LIVING it.
Author Charles F. Glassman once said, "Even the smallest changes in our daily routine can create incredible ripple effects that expand our vision of what is possible." If you just read all of this and recognized that you are way more stuck in your comfort zone than you ever thought, the good news is that today you can make some real and significant changes. Try something new. Plan to do something that will help your strengths to shine through. Stop ignoring that voice in your head that keeps telling you to make that phone call, send that email or start that company.
Comfort zones may be comfortable but don't confuse it with stagnation. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. And that oftentimes requires breaking totally out of your comfort zone(s).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Mistakes People Make While Following Their Passion
Need To Make A Big Decision Quickly? Do This.
How This Shamelessly Slutty Vegan Started A Culinary Revolution
My Job Kept Declining My Vacation Requests -- So I Quit & Traveled On Savings
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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