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How I Figured Out I'm Not A Naturally Anxious Person, Just Addicted To Keeping Myself Safe
Anxiety is a word we as a society throw around a lot, and with good reason. While someone who watches and reads up on the daily news is justified in being on high alert, in my life, I had the opportunity to use therapy to observe my anxiety as something outside of me, a different version of me, if you will. And it helped me make major shifts in my overall quality of life.
The whole process required me to get incredibly curious about myself. I listed the things I was anxious about and got clear about what I thought caused me anxiety. I had to get curious and asked myself the way a four-year-old would ask, “Why?” I also had to research the true meaning of the word “anxiety” and discovered it means “to be excessively worried, nervous, and uneasy.” This feeling usually arises when the outcome of an action is uncertain. This is a very understandable concept in my mind, but I wondered if someone could please tell my body that.
In the past, anxiety kept me in an endless loop as opposed to a standstill, which is how some people experience the sensation in a physical sense. Mentally, when I looked at every area of my life, from my jobs to the relationships I chose to participate in to my body, I could only see a roller coaster. In other words, being anxious kept me in a circular motion with the same highs and lows, and I felt and thought I was moving forward safely because I could predict the outcome.
At that point, life had taught me:
Feeling "safe" was predictability and the avoidance of negative emotions and outcomes. Feeling "unsafe" was the discovery through different experiences, uncomfortable feelings, and unpredictable outcomes.
In my life, feeling safe and feeling unsafe looked like staying in a less-than-ideal relationship because I wouldn’t be alone equated to safety, but it was making me feel more anxious overall; staying at a job that did not offer me resources or opportunities to connect and grow equated to safety because at least I wasn’t unemployed, but I felt like my career was passing me by; staying in the house eating comfort food three times a day and avoiding the heavy lifting and sweaty workouts that could transform my health for the better equated to safety because healthy food and exercise stressed my body out, but my health was declining.
With support in each example in the above categories of relationships, career, and health, I was able to meet with people who advised me to basically stop putting up with bullshit and trying to intellectualize why those people, places, and things are the way they are and instead, move on. Figuratively and literally get to steppin'! Just straight up hopping off of emotional and physical roller coasters and on my two feet.
I’ve learned that anxiety is not something I can just think away. I have to allow my body to connect to my mind and deal with it that way. This is where that whole “exercising is nature's antidepressant” cliche comes true. Through simple tasks like walking around the block, going to the gym, and generally moving my body, I realized when I’m in the moment, focusing on what I’m doing or on music, anxiety doesn’t override my basic instinct to be present.
In the present is where everything makes sense.
If I put one foot in front of the other, eventually, I end up very far down the street unless I'm at a dead end. If so, it's time to redirect. If I lift something heavy slowly every other day, eventually, I will get stronger, and the weight would feel lighter to me. If I keep on putting myself out there professionally, I will get an amazing opportunity. If I keep dating high-quality partners, eventually, I will find the right person for me. This list goes on.
Though life is never linear, by finding a physical way to channel my anxiety, my mind is calmer, and I can see a brighter future ahead. It’s not predictable and safe by my older standards, but now that I’ve grown wiser, I think standing still and not moving forward is the most unsafe thing we as human beings can do for our health. Mentally and emotionally.
After observing myself doing things like tearing it up on the dance floor, excelling at public speaking, killing my form at the gym, and just doing other ridiculously cool tasks, I had to question why I felt so comfortable letting the anxiety I sometimes felt hijack my mind and body instead of pushing past it with the help of professionals and holistic teachers along with methods I could independently use.
And the answer to most of my “whys” was that embracing who I really am at some point in my life felt “unsafe.” So then, the fact I had a real social side of me still felt unsafe. It defied what most people who believed they knew me well would think of me, and to show up as myself left me vulnerable to ridicule and rejection. I judged myself as hard as I was judged by important people in my life who also judged themselves harshly, so then they, in turn, judged… See? Another endless cycle.
I worked on getting clear on what felt good to me and what did not. What I wanted out of life and what I did not.
However, once I admitted those truths to myself and others, that virtually meant most things in my life will have to be adjusted to better suit me. I would ultimately be leaving my comfort zone, my safety net, for good. That was unsafe because where in the world could I find a better job, better friends, and a better lifestyle for myself….? What do you mean I have to be more flexible and broaden my horizons? What do you mean a past version of me must die so that I can be reborn? That is... anxiety-inducing.
Trust me, though I would love to write this admittance in the past tense, it’s still a script that plays in my head during my fearful moments.
However, with assistance, I realized my answer to many of my whys (because it’s safe) was just not true. The past is not the present, and I’m in the driver's seat of my life now. I was never safe, I was, in fact, dying on the inside and in my comfort zone. Until I decided my joy was worth taking a calculated risk. Because naturally, without all the overthinking, living in the past, and caring more about what other people thought about me than I did, I am pretty badass.
The trick, though is continuously surrounding myself with resources and community to remind me of that whenever I get scared to be my highest self.
Featured image by FOTOGRAFIA INC./Getty Images
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."