What Does It Mean To Truly Work On Yourself?
Nowadays, “self-care” is the headline of it all. But what does it actually mean to prioritize yourself, choose yourself, focus on yourself in an unselfish way, and effectively communicate your needs to others while tending to yourself? Tending to your physical health or appearance caters to your current state of life, but sitting with yourself and learning to understand yourself emotionally and mentally can heal decades of wounds. It can also create opportunities to cater to your internal self-care better in different seasons of life.
As a person that’s highly invested in my internal self-care, I’ll be honest with you. It never becomes super easy to sit with uncomfortable situations that I’m affected by, but thinking of how I worked through a past difficult situation inspires me to go at it again. Not one time has it not been worth it. Whether you are single or in a relationship, life is going to occur one way or another, and our goal is to obtain the tools that work for us to move through it and grow from it.
Here is some insight from some relationship experts on focusing on your internal self.
What it means to prioritize self-care & practice internal self-care:
The more you choose to sit with yourself and explore your thoughts and emotions, the quicker you can problem-solve when another issue arises. And no, problems won’t ever stop coming, but the way you work through them will look and feel different now that you have some history of problem-solving internal issues.
Maybe starting to do internal self-care looks like “identifying the parts of your life and internal world you’d like to focus on," states licensed psychotherapist and consultant N. Oumou Sylla. She continues, “Notice where in your life you're feeling resentful, depleted, burned out, or exhausted [and] be honest about the ways you contribute to your experience of internal conflict.” Strengthening your self-awareness and accountability for the part you play in your internal struggles is fighting half the battle to combatting internal stressors. Next is changing your behavior.
“Prioritizing self-care is being open to trying a variety of things to find what works best for you," states licensed clinical social worker Lena Suarez-Angelino. The more I’ve practiced different types of internal self-care, guided meditation, reading books or listening to podcasts about the matter, journaling, therapy, doing devotional plans, and prayer, the more in tune I became with knowing what works best for different internal situations I needed to work through.
Suarez-Angelino continues, “Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself. Taking care of yourself is something that should be stress-free and guilt-free. Remember the reason why you’re practicing internal self-care in the first place.”
How to work on yourself when you're single:
“The route to working through internal conflict can be similar regardless of your relationship status,” Sylla notes. Unfortunately, life will still hit us from every angle, solo or partnered. She continues, “Relying on others for support, especially during times of stress/conflict, is normal and healthy. The main thing to ensure is that you are not seeing others as need-fulfillment machines or as people that will save you. Over-reliance on others in this way may be a sign of co-dependence or a part of themself does not trust themselves to tolerate distress.” The goal is to learn a healthy medium with support from others and working on ourselves alone.
Suarez-Angelino suggests that journaling "become one of your go-to exercises for processing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. When it feels like you don’t have anyone that you can trust, and therapy may not be as accessible to you, journaling is a great tool. Journaling allows you to write everything down without a filter or risk of harming your loved ones.” If you’re like me and prefer some structure with guided prompts, try investing in these cards or articles on our site like, "15 Shadow Work Prompts To Honor The Fullness Of Your Inner Being," "18 Self-Discovery Journaling Prompts For The New Year," and "20 Journal Prompts For Entrepreneurs To Reflect, Learn, And Thrive" to help you on your journaling journey.
“Once everything is written down, you can go back and highlight the key parts that you want to share with your loved ones. It will help reduce the emotional charge behind the thoughts and helps provide more clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Talking to a therapist is another way you can do this, but it may take some time to find a therapist you can open up to about your stressors.”
How to work on yourself if you’re in a relationship:
Many of us see our partners as our best friends, and we tend to go to them first to confide in, which is lovely to have, but when we are experiencing intense internal distress, it may be best to explain to them you need some time to sort out your thoughts so you won’t project anything on them. “Being open and honest with your partner by saying something like, 'I’m having a strong emotional reaction to this, and while I don’t expect you to solve this, I may come off a little closed-off, irritable, or shut down,'" states, Suarez-Angelino. "'What you can do to help me is to know that you are here for me and available to listen when I am ready to share how I’m feeling. I think I need some more time on my own to think about it.'”
Being proactive by effectively communicating where you are currently emotionally and mentally can save you from so many unnecessary fights or making your partner feel inadequate for solving an issue that’s outside of their control.
And she continues, “You may also want to reassure [your partner] that whatever you're feeling does not have any indication of dissatisfaction in the relationship (unless that is a part of it). All in all, you don’t want to keep your partner in the dark about what you are going through while also easing their own anxieties and possible insecurities that they are the reason for what you’re feeling. You also want to clarify that it is not your expectation for them to fill that void or solve the problems for you.” You can work through it together by communicating your needs and your partner respecting your boundaries and checking in when needed.
Working through internal self-care is difficult, but every second spent finding tools and professionals to support you during that process is the best gift you could ever gift yourself. Everything you ask from others, the patience, the compassion, the grace, the gentleness, the unconditional love, please make it your duty to provide it first for yourself. You have everything you always needed within you. The only way to get over internal conflict is to work through it.
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Featured image by Brandy Kennedy on Unsplash
Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage
