Why I'm Ending The Love Affair With 'Healing' For True Transformation
Are we obsessed with healing? Is the culture curated around healing perpetrating one's need to "fix" themselves?
Is our need to be constantly "working on ourselves" causing us to find new things to be anxious and depressed about?
What started out as individuals seeking to move beyond traumatic experiences, fears, and insecurities has become individuals drowning themselves in healing practices but being stuck in the same cycle.
Once I became aware of my own issues, I couldn't stop finding issues. Every day, a new one would pop up. Initially, I thought this was great. I figured because I was so self-aware, I would be able to fix all of the things I believed I needed to fix about myself. Then, I would finally be happy and free from the chains of past experiences.
I was committed to going through the baggage I had accumulated over the years but it started to take over my life. I am actually in the beginning stages of this realization, meaning I am currently in the process of reshaping my relationship with personal development. So, I am not writing this article as an expert. I am writing this article as someone who is currently moving through the experience.
Learning and adjusting as I go.
A lot of things started to come up for me during my journey; most of these things stemmed from childhood. Actually, all of them stemmed from childhood. Healing requires you to go down memory lane and, depending on your experiences, you may or may not spend a lot of time there. While this can be helpful, venturing down memory lane tends to be in direct conflict with the concept of being and staying present. One can easily get stuck in their own memories which can end up triggering mental loops and cause you to put yourself in a destructive emotional cycle.
During my various healing transitions, I found myself having on-again off-again experiences with anxiety and depression. I was beating myself up mentally and emotionally when it came to the changes I knew I needed to make but was finding myself falling short. This was a symptom of me raising my awareness.
I became aware of everything. Awareness is a very beautiful and necessary thing but I do think it's important to note that it could end up doing more harm than good if it isn't applied in the most nurturing way.
I was constantly at war with myself. I felt split. Like I was two people in one.
One side of me, I will call her the "evolved side," was attuned and aligned, trying to live her best life. While the other side of me, I will call her the "default setting," was clinging to the traumas, fears, insecurities, and false narratives. I would go back and forth between these two states but most times, I just found myself feeling depleted. I call this the healing vortex. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this whirlwind I am describing but it was trapping me in old storylines and causing major stagnancy when it came to moving forward with the new stories and beliefs I had created.
This healing vortex made me feel like I was always taking two steps forward and three steps back. So my obsession with "healing" or relieving myself of this stagnancy resulted in me diving deeper into my addiction with trying to fix myself.
My obsession with "healing" resulted in me diving deeper into my addiction with trying to fix myself. Milko/Getty Images
Let's examine this frame of thinking for a second: To believe that you need fixing would imply that you think you are broken. This thought automatically starts the healing process off on a negative note.
Dr. Crystal Jones, a friend and spiritual advisor has built her platform around disempowering this broken narrative and leading with the empowered concept of humans being fundamentally perfect, whole, and complete. I encourage you to look her up. I love this ideology because I believe it gives us space to focus on self-allowance, rather than thinking we need to dismantle ourselves.
I now believe healing is a perspective shift. I don't believe healing is this life-long experience, at least I don't believe it has to be. It also doesn't have to involve pain and self-torment. The concept of healing seems to have become something we drag out, just like many of us do with traumas. We trade one addiction for another, which can be a common thing for addicts.
I have decided to break up with healing as I move more into evolving. "Healing" implies you are recovering from something. "Evolving" is more so about growing and moving forward.
One is rooted in attempting to put oneself back together and the other is rooted in embracing the next phase of who you are, regardless of who you have previously been.
This switch in perspective comes with less stress and strain and more ease and flow. Suffering doesn't have to be a prerequisite for personal growth. Your transformation can be adventurous, wonder-filled, and playful. So, I have started to "look at life from a place of play instead of climbing a mountain." (Aijt Nawalkha) Shifting my belief around what it means to change has taken the pressure off of getting that next self-help high.
I'm not focused on beating myself up for not being better because better is a choice. You choose to be better, you choose to be okay, you choose to move forward and then you commit to that choice in every moment.
I no longer believe I have to heal my way through life. I choose to playfully and graciously evolve with lots of self-compassion and my sanity still intact.
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Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published June 30, 2019
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Chandra Meadows is the author of Revelations from a Black Girl Bloomin' and co-founder of Abstract Genius Creative Agency who is on a dual soul mission to transform work culture so that creative wellness and conscious capitalism is placed at the forefront and to teach young girls and women of color how to find, utilize, and maximize their voice. You can explore more of her magic via Twitter + Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images