Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in prolonged periods of isolation from friends, family, and significant others. Whatever the reason for this situation, it often leads to self-discovery and hermetic reflection.
Being lonely and alone are two different things. I have been able to differentiate the two throughout my periods of being isolated from the outside world, and it all starts with finding out the essence of who you are.
Since I was young, I have always been somewhat of a loner. As the second oldest child, and the first girl of my mother's children, I had to figure out how to do a lot of things on my own. As a very inquisitive young girl who often got into trouble for asking too many questions, or telling too much business, I've always had a very strong desire to know. It didn't matter what it was, I just felt like I needed to be informed of everything there was to know about the world. As I got older, I quickly learned that asking too many questions could put you in a bad spot, namely time outs or whoopings. As I put two and two together, I grew up observing the world very closely and quietly figuring out how things worked.
I got used to depending on myself internally for everything that I needed externally.
It's a weird place to find yourself when your mind is as internally active as your mouth. As I grew into my young adulthood, I thought I was satisfied with being "not a friend person," but eventually I realized it was just my outward suit of protection for self-soothing, self-teaching, and self-validating my ego, and that I was truly unable to let anyone into my heart space, and I did not know how to connect with people whom I did not understand.
Isolation as a child stunted my ability to go within since I was always looking for answers outwardly. As a teenager and young adult, though I was a very kind and warm person, I often ran into many conflicts with people. Part of this was likely because I was an empath and didn't know it.
According to Psychology Today, "The trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people's emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. These people filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. The first step is to acknowledge that you are an empath." Normally, people who aren't aware of this trait become a magnet for people who reflect their internal trauma and pain in the most toxic and draining way. Often, I found myself in drama with people without really understanding how to process why I was in the situation to begin with.
Right before and after my spiritual awakening in early 2015, I started shedding friends and family left and right. This lasted for three years. Before I knew it, I barely had any friends and ended up as single as single can get. Isolated, I went through my darkest period of depression and alcohol abuse. I was in an off and on again karmic and unrequited relationship with a man who never truly reciprocated my feelings, which led to me engaging in sexual relationships with men that I really did not have deep emotional connections with. I was a hot mess and deeply wounded.
Along the process however, I realized my empathic nature. As I became more and more awake, I recognized the importance of unpacking the trauma that stemmed all the way from my childhood, to my present moment.
I had to truly look in the mirror, and see every flaw, and painstakingly untie every knot.
Isolation allowed me to perform surgery on my soul. Feelings of loneliness at one point became unbearable until I started to remove everything negative out of my life. I started getting into positive affirmations and self-care. I begin seeing my self-worth, and loving who I was on a deeper level.
After becoming a full-time nomadic, creative entrepreneur and later a freelance writer, I had never spent so much time literally by myself. It was almost as if I had to introduce my inner child to my adult self. I felt like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. It was during this time that I learned the difference between loneliness and being alone. I began to see my extroverted nature as a blessing, rather than a curse. I learned how to enjoy my own spirit. I learned how to be still, and explore my own mind. I began to extend my meditation practices to astral projection and lucid dreaming. I began to embody the divine feminine, and the creativity that I always possessed on a whole other level.
The difference between loneliness and being alone is that one is a void where you are detached from your spirit, imagination, and life force. The other is the realization that no matter where you are, or who you are with, that you are abundant in life, unconditional love, and universal oneness.
I mastered the art of being alone by manifesting divine joy from within myself.
Being isolated throughout my life has taught me how to tickle my own soul and connect with my mind, heart, and body in complete transparency. It also allowed me to see myself in everyone else…even in people I greatly disliked.
Ultimately, it is how I have evolved as a woman, and ascended as a spiritual being.
Featured image by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
