The Difference Between Being Alone & Being Lonely
I am alone, but I am not lonely. And when I say that I mean exactly what I just wrote. But it took a long time for me to get here. To get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin, doing my own thing, with not one single fuck given. I had to learn my time, freedom, and energy is everything to me. As a child, I was extremely lonely. I felt like I was never really heard or seen. Not by my family and not by my friends. Though I'm not an only child (I have a twin brother), that dynamic in itself is difficult because of gender biases. BUT I was a quiet child. I guess that's just part of my reserved nature. It's only recently that I have come to accept this part of me. And I do not let this part of me dim my light.
We often confuse "alone" and "lonely" to mean the same thing. But when you use these words in the correct context, they have an entirely different meaning. I do see how the meaning of these words can change depending on how the word is used in a sentence. Like when someone says, "I'm alone in this relationship" or "I'm alone for the holidays". It suggests or implies a feeling that something is wrong. And usually, this said feeling is uncomfortable, unfavorable, and unwanted.
Before I delve deeper into what being alone and lonely means to me, let's explore the definitions of these two words. According to Merriam-Webster, Dictionary.com, and Google, the definition of the word alone is having no one else present. It is to be separated from others; to be apart, or isolated from others. While the definition of lonely is to be without company. It means affected, with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone, lonesome, or sad because one has no friends or company.
Do you see the difference between alone and lonely? To be alone is a physical state and to be lonely is an emotional state. Let me put this into context for you.
The Difference Between Being Alone & Being Lonely
The Meaning Of Being Alone
Again, being alone is simply physical. In every waking moment of our lives, we are constantly doing something alone. It's the little things that we do daily. It's eating breakfast, grocery shopping, cooking, going for a walk, driving to work, getting a manicure, or checking in at a doctor's appointment. You see, we typically move through life alone when we're not with family, friends, or coworkers. And we don't ever stop to question why we're alone in doing these things. It just is.
The Meaning Of Being Lonely
Now, certain events and situations can make us feel lonely. And it doesn't matter what the situation is, as long as the perception of loneliness is there. I have had countless moments like these too. We all have. But, have you ever noticed most of the situations are in social settings? Remember, to be lonely means to be without company which means not having anyone at the moment to do anything with. This could look like showing up to a birthday party not knowing any of the other guests or attending a wedding without a date when everyone else has one. It could also look like walking into a bar at happy hour and sitting at the bar alone. These are the situations that we choose to participate in that bring about the perception of being lonely. On the other side of the spectrum, you can just as easily be alone or feel lonely in a relationship or marriage. But that is a whole other layered discussion.
Somehow there is this universal notion we need company to enjoy the lives we live. And I am here to tell you that is not always true. Of course, life is always better when your creating moments and memories with your tribe. We're wired for interdependence. We need each other. We're not meant to do all things alone. But, what about the moments that you create for yourself? We, as women, need these little moments. We are just not taught how to enjoy our own company or how to be comfortable alone. And that is the problem.
I have learned to enjoy my own company – I date myself all the time. I have dined in picturesque restaurants, sang my favorite lyrics at a concert, and slayed the leopard one-piece on some country's white sand beach. To me, being alone means enjoying your own time, and to be lonely means to long for something or someone. And in this moment, I do not long for anyone or anything. I am completely content with where I am at in my journey. I live for new experiences and I will not wait for anyone to be available to enjoy them. If I know how to do anything at all, it's to have a good time alone.
So, I mean it when I say I am alone, but I am not lonely. And I hope that you find your own joy in being alone too.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- How Periods of Isolation Can Help You Heal & Evolve - xoNecole ... ›
- How To Feel Empowered In Your Singledom On Valentine's Day ›
- The Difference Between Being Alone & Enjoying Your Own Company ›
- Living Alone Guide: 5 Women Give Tips, Advice - xoNecole ... ›
- Tracee Ellis Ross On Being Happily Single, Loneliness - xoNecole ... ›
- What Does It Mean To Be A Romantic? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Things To Do On Your Birthday Alone - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Spend the Holidays Alone - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images