"Our generation loves bragging about being antisocial, cutting people off, and not trusting anyone. Like that's an accomplishment."
I came across the above meme the other day and was instantly reminded of when I silently declared, "My cut off game is too strong." And honestly, loyalty and friendship are things I struggle with.
I'm not the girl running around excusing my flakiness, selfishness, and, at times, unwillingness to do things on other people's terms with a stale, "It's hard for me to maintain friendships with women."
I acknowledge that I am a work in progress. I have control issues and sometimes fail to see why others won't live their lives in a way that I think works best. Also, I don't like the idea of being dependent on too many folks for emotional fulfillment. But as of late, I've witnessed a lot of people taking the idea of independence to the extreme. It's almost as if being anti-social is the way to be, and I honestly think it's because the idea of friendship as I used to know it has been somewhat warped.
A cousin that I'm super close to called me up the other night and I found myself looking at the caller ID and instantly becoming exhausted. I wasn't surprised that not even ten minutes into the conversation, I found myself smack in the middle of an Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole of who posted what on Facebook and who's blocked from her page. I couldn't fathom how folks in their late twenties with children and adult responsibilities were cutting off relationships and catching feelings over a social media app. It's as if many of us have completely lost sight of the fact that friendship is about more than "likes" and "tags" and these relationships we're proudly ending were pretty shallow in the first place if their fate rests on a status update.
Here's something to consider: There's no need to proudly claim how independent you are.
This idea of any real independence is overrated if you're supposedly getting your independent woman on in a room full of strangers, but constantly craving some sort of digital connection with people you forget exist unless they update their status. I have a friend who every once in a while, whether we're making travel plans for the summer or talking about a reiki convention we'd like to attend, feels the need to remind everyone that she has no issue doing things by herself.
But this same friend constantly feels the need to update her digital circle on everything she does alone. So the whole time she's enjoying her own company, her social media is bombarded with pics: "Chilling with my rose quartz. #PeaceAndSolitude #NeedMySpace #SelfCare." In conversation with colleagues or casual acquaintances, I've also witnessed other women who when they mention they had drinks at a bar after work alone or went to a music festival feel the need to proudly proclaim, "I went alone and I'm OK with that!"
My question is, when did the ability to do things on your own become such a badge of honor?
I wonder if a culture that places pressure on people to be surrounded by friends and followers all the time, makes some feel the need to declare they are able to enjoy their own company. But with that I wonder, are folks simply just doing things alone to prove a point or truly enjoying their own company? If you're so hype to go to a music festival alone, why are you looking down in your phone the whole time? Why update your status with memes about the joy of canceled plans, if you can't spend time with yourself while sober?
As I grow older and reevaluate my personal friendships, I'm recognizing the importance of maintaining quality friendships that don't require so much work, as well as the value of truly enjoying my own company, which means not needing friends in person or online to validate my time. Maintaining friendships as an adult can be difficult and I love the memes that remind us that many of us are out here juggling full-time jobs, families, career ladders and side hustles, and are just plain tired at the end of the week. A few days without a phone call from your day one just so she can hear herself think shouldn't result in you getting your Tom Hanks in Castaway on feeling the need to declare that you can do bad all by your damn self.
It's okay to miss people. It's okay to feel lonely and it's okay to be alone. And there is a difference.
I need at least one night where I'm alone with my hookah pipe, blasting Ella Mai in my eardrums, and focusing on nothing but my inner peace. But if I'm buying tickets to see "Boo'd Up" performed live, you can bet I want my bestie right next to me belting out the lyrics off key. The ability to enjoy your own company means dealing with thoughts, feelings, pain, and pressure that we all too often distract ourselves from with working hard and playing harder. You know when Solange sang, "I ran my credit card up. Thought a new dress make it better"?
I really felt that shit.
We can all relate to distracting ourselves from insecurities, feelings of failure, and anxiety. We want to be at anyone's bar or in anyone's bed just so we don't have to deal with the mess that can be our feelings. We fill our lives with shallow friendships and temporary moments of happiness just to avoid being honest with ourselves. We attract people we feel the need to impress and prove things to with regularly posted Instagram stories because, outside of a wi-fi signal, they have no idea of who we really are.
But the one thing I've learned is that when I truly was able to enjoy my own company and accept myself, flaws and all, I attracted quality people in my life that were down for me whether I was logged in or out living my best life.
I also became aware of the fact that adult friendships don't require day to day contact and was easier on friends who were simply too busy to call or hang out regularly.
I had time to deal with my own issues and stop distracting myself from them by doing the absolute most.
There's no shame in proudly declaring "Me, Myself and I," but don't sell yourself short on making authentic connections with folks just because things fell through with fake friends. And even the best of people in your circle will come with their share of disappointing behavior. There's a balance when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships with yourself, as well as others, and it's like Donald Glover recently said, "You can totally love somebody and still look out for yourself."
The important thing is that you don't spend so much of your time invested into the lives of others that you become a stranger to yourself.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
I Got My Girls: The Best Girlfriend Relationships On TV Today
Why Losing Friends is Not Always a Bad Thing
My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties
The Benefits & The Beauty of Solitude
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RELATED
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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