My husband and celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in September. Raising a four-year-old, navigating my job layoff and his full commitment to entrepreneurship are just a few of the things life decided to throw at us in these first few years after we made it official.
After what felt like sometimes was "surviving" my marriage instead of thriving in it, it's understandable that my memory was a little foggy and I almost forgot how long we've known each other. After recalling a few random milestones and encounters that stand out in our memory, we came to the agreement that we've actually known each other for about 15 years.
Slumps or dry spells are inevitable for anyone who has been in a long-term romantic relationship, particularly when you're living with someone and find yourself going through the motions on auto-pilot most days. As great as our marriage is, there are definitely plenty of times when our connection takes a backseat to pulling overtime at work, "Back to School Nights" and trips to Target for bathroom cleaner.
When I remember the people we were when we first met, I remember us eating Johnny Rockets and laughing on my porch when he got off his late shift and making love on his pull-out couch in the living room with episodes of The Office playing in the background. In the past year or so, however, Netflix has become the main event and there's no "chillin", just starting the dishwasher before we go to bed and start another day full of responsibilities.
However, this past summer, a series of events happened that made me look at my husband in a different way. For whatever reason, whether it was the clients he worked with or a neighbor that was being a little too nice, women (who didn't know he was married of course) started shooting their shot like they were Stephen Curry with ten seconds left in the final quarter.
He'd come home and tell me how he'd politely decline and expected us to laugh at the awkwardness of it all. But of course, I'd get irritated and want ALL the details, "Were you flirting? Did they see your wedding ring? Why aren't you wearing a big ass neon sign that says 'TAKEN'?" There's nothing quite like an outside perspective to remind you of exactly what you have, so when hubby shared with me a general contractor he was working with had asked if he could talk blueprints over Cheesecake Factory, I couldn't help but laugh before thinking, "I will cut that h*e."
It didn't help that just a few weeks before there was a female friend that he had for years who suddenly began hitting him up for love and relationship advice. On the outside I was joking, "You should have gotten us some free slices of Oreo Dream Cheesecake," or "Your homegirl can't keep a man because she's too busy posting Instagram stories." But a part of me was annoyed and felt like my marriage was being threatened.
Admittedly at first, all I wanted was for all of these chicks to miss me and my marriage with the inquiries but it did make me realize something: Maybe I wasn't recognizing exactly what I had.
Meanwhile, hubby was out maneuvering through all of the advances and attention like Keanu Reeves back-bending under bullets in The Matrix. Still, a very insecure part of me went from 0 to 10 protecting my marriage. And all I could hear was Iyanla Vanzant's voice in the back of my head saying, "A marriage can only be destroyed from the inside." It wasn't so much anything that my husband was doing to invite the attention, but my response to him being open and candid with me was to question myself and what I might be neglecting to contribute to the marriage.
Furthermore, the increased attention he was receiving brought out a jealous side of me that I never had in our relationship. We had never been the type of couple to keep secrets, sneak and go through one another's phones, or get tripped up on things we considered "silly" like Instagram follows or acting like marriage made us pull a Stevie Wonder on other attractive people. But because of the vulnerable place, I was at with career frustration and the stresses of motherhood, my imagination went wild and I tried to make my husband into Terrence Howard from Ashanti's "Foolish" video while I created problems that weren't really there.
I recognized I was projecting my own insecurities in other parts of my life onto my marriage. My husband didn't ask me to marry him because he was looking for the Beyonce to his Jay. He wasn't expecting me to pop out a baby and then get my belly flat for the 'Gram within a week. What I began to realize was that I was unrealistically seeking perfection. I knew who I married and trusted and loved the man I knew he was, but with all the changes, and the realization that I had control issues, I recognized the subconscious pressures I was placing on myself.
I'll never forget the epiphany I had at the intersection of Broad and Poplar in Philadelphia one summer while dropping off our daughter.
A voice in my head stated: "You're finding fault in situations that aren't there because of your need to get in front of a problem and control the outcome."
By June of 2019, I had been through a new job that didn't end up working out, a rejected proposal for a short film, and a severe cut to the freelance writing income I had become accustomed to for years. With all of the rejection making it feel like the rug was being pulled from under me on a routine as regular as my menstrual cycle, a part of me wanted to predict the next problem in my life and get my defenses up. Fortunately, that problem wasn't my husband's loyalty, as much as my crazy ass tried to make it be.
My own insecurities made me overanalyze, overthink and make a few unwarranted advances from other women more than what they actually were. I also realized how much I was internalizing the toxic relationships that were taking place around me at the time. I had one friend calling me constantly to complain that the married man she was seeing was never going to leave his wife and another friend who was one "Ebony BBW" search away from leaving her boyfriend and his porn addiction. That's the thing about toxicity; if it lingers around too long it starts to seep into your own feelings and thoughts.
Even when you're making a committed effort every day, it can be easy to take the solid relationships you have in place in your life for granted.
It was funny because on my end, I thought we were doing the things that marriage counselors and life coaches would suggest. We made an effort to schedule date night at least once a month (even if date night was the predictable dinner and a movie). I made sure to keep up my appearance when I had the energy so he wouldn't start to think my satin bonnet had become my signature hairstyle. And whether it was his favorite body spray or a meal to take home for my man after happy hour with the girls, I made small gestures to let him know he was appreciated.
But marriage requires more than child-free nights and a new hairstyle. It's about checking in and make sure your marriage is growing and adapting to the changes that take place in it. It's also about giving yourself grace and understanding the young, fly twenty-something you were when you met your partner is no longer the woman you are nor should necessarily be almost two decades later.
Over the course of a few days this past summer, my husband and I had conversations about boundaries, communication, shared goals and expectations to ensure that we were on the same page. More than anything, all the drama and distractions from the outside were a much-needed reminder of the importance of checking-in and maintaining our marriage. I also began to allow myself to start living my life, including all of its ups and downs, instead of trying to defeat it.
The thing is, with any relationship you can't expect that because you've landed a good catch, those other fish will keep on swimming and pay that person no mind. And honestly, besides a few petty arguments, something unexpected happened: I suddenly wanted to hump my husband every hour of the day.
Maybe it was the fact that another woman wanted my man, maybe it was because the first time we had some conflict that was about our actual relationship and not who ate the last yogurt or gave the baby a popsicle before bed. It was a reminder that before kids and bills, all we had was each other and a whole lot of extra time.
Make-up sex shouldn't be the only sex you're having, but being reminded that outside of a husband, father and professional, your partner is a whole snack (and can keep his cool even when your jealousy gets the best of you) is not only humbling but one hell of an aphrodisiac.
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If you've been keeping up with my "balancing a 9-5 with dreams of being a famous writer struggle," you know that my past four years in non-profits have been tumultuous.
Between lay-offs and navigating small office politics with big boss egos, my "Come to Jesus" moments have been plentiful. In fact, he probably has me on unfollow for 30 days on his personal Facebook because he's tired of hearing my repeated prayers to work in a place with people who actually want to work, who spend their days excited about the mission instead of the latest office gossip with managers who think that their responsibilities end where their titles begin.
Thankfully for me, sometime at the beginning of December, the stars aligned in my career constellation: I stood up to a toxic boss, was offered a position at a new organization that had me at "Book Clubs featuring the work of Iyanla Vanzant," and officially gave the peace sign to a job I had literally spent every day surviving for the past two and a half years. With a fresh outlook on my career path as I start the new year (with a week off solely for reflection), I decided that as difficult at the past few years in the workplace have been for me, they would be a complete waste without taking away a few lessons that will not only help me continue to navigate my career path as a better professional, but a more balanced person.
Even your worst work experiences can potentially give you tools for success if you know what to look for. Here are several points where the workplace had me f**ked up at and how I learned to dodge the pitfalls and punches like Adonis Creed:
1.Colleagues and Supervisors who Blur Boundaries.
Keep your airpods close and your Tidal playlist even closer. We've all witnessed a situation where colleagues mistake your professional politeness for friendship. I had a supervisor who would regularly unload her personal burdens on staff. She'd call the office on her day off just to gossip about her neighbors and side effects of her latest medications. Unfortunately, this led to a situation where she abused her authority and randomly picked when to make things personal or keep it professional. For this reason, I've enlisted several rules:
- If we haven't had a conversation outside of weather and weekend plans in person, you can hold on to that friend request on social media.
- I don't follow or befriend anyone online that has a say in my paycheck or performance off-line until I am no longer an employee and/or don't need to use them as a professional reference.
- It's OK to tell that co-worker to miss you with the details from her drunken weekend and pop in your airpods to listen to the latest track from Travis Scott. When organic friendships form in the workplace, it can be a beautiful thing. But it's more likely you'll make a mess where you make your money when clear boundaries aren't established.
2.Work Culture that Doesn’t Respect your Work/Life Balance.
GiphyIf you're Ariana Grande or some other A-list celebrity, there will be times where you need to address work concerns outside of the 9-5 work hours. If you're a customer relations specialist, there probably isn't much you can do about Kathy Davis's delivery issues while you're at your daughter's dance recital. For that reason, I encourage you to side-eye any job that requires you to have Outlook on your phone so you can stay informed about work-related matters 24/7. I've always made the best effort as an employee at jobs that focused on people and not policies. The jobs that didn't expect you to dog sled to work through 12 feet of snow or do data entry as soon as you wake up from your Nyquil coma. This is why during many of my job interviews my questions include expectations during inclement weather and family-friendly policies.
While you're navigating your professional path, recognize that paychecks are important but peace of mind should be non-negotiable.
3.Colleagues who Abuse the Word “We”.
GiphyWhether it's a protest that you never agreed to be a part of or a co-worker who couldn't hold on to a sick day if it came with command strips but is quick to take credit for a project, the one word I am starting to wish would be eliminated from workplace conversations is "we". Unfortunately, I've been in way too many situations where I've greatly disagreed with colleagues' ideas of what constitutes as teamwork. If you're confused, allow me to provide some clarity.
Teamwork isn't using "we" because you're too afraid to solely own your grievances with another co-worker or supervisor, so you volunteer another colleague's opinion without their permission. It's important to own your individual experience and recognize that it might be drastically different from others, even those present during those same experiences. When you're taking an issue to higher-ups or HR, have the confidence to own your own experience and allow others the opportunity to handle issues how and when they deem it is appropriate.
Teamwork also isn't about being taken advantage of. I've hated group projects since undergrad and understandably everyone is entitled to an off day. However, if a coworker is collecting the same pay for repeatedly doing the bare minimum while you're getting friendly with the cleaning crew from pulling all-nighters on presentations, it may be time for them know that that's not going to work.
4.A Manager whose Work Ends where their Title Begins.
Giphy"You have a lot of people in management positions who are poor leaders." This was another gem I dropped in my exit interview, and the VP of Human Resources nearly choked on her kale smoothie. I didn't intend for this statement to be an insult. But there are too many people in leadership positions who believe that management is about delegating, signing timesheets, and putting their Amazon Prime membership to good use for the remainder of the work day. Leaders, however, listen to their team and balance getting the work done with supporting their staff as people first and then professionals. Leaders work side by side with their staff when necessary while still inspiring them and curating their talents in an effort to achieve shared goals.
A few months ago, I overlooked those that abused their authority. I believed nodding my head in agreement while thinking, "Not the f**k today, Shelly," would get me through the work day. I've since learned that nothing changes when people aren't held accountable. I wanted so badly just to come and do my job and get my check while not messing with anyone else's, but the thing is, you can't care more about someone else's job than they do. The person who is getting paid to do the bare minimum is taking up the space from someone who is hustling sideways trying to make ends meet but hasn't been given a break. You don't have to suffer in silence. Take your concerns to those who can support you and actively make change.
5.A Toxic Workplace that Gives you Anxiety Long before your Latte has Cooled Off.
GiphyRepeat after me: A toxic workplace is more likely to change you, than you are to change it. I've written about toxic work environments before, and the thing about dysfunctional organizations is that they were probably long in the making before you signed your offer letter, and they will probably take just as long to improve. During my exit interview a week ago, I appreciated that the VP of HR asked me questions about problems I experienced and suggestions on how they could solve them. However, when it comes to your career path, it's OK to be selfish sometimes. A colleague who was piling the responsibilities on her plate in an effort to impress but was quickly burning out, came to me for advice one day and I told her this, "Look around. There are people here who have been here for decades, making six-figure salaries who look like they are silently suffering eight hours a day. Is that how you see your future?"
Recognize your career is only one part of your life. One job doesn't have to make or break your whole life. We all can't be DJ Khaled making salsa moves through our work day, but you should only suffer so much for a paycheck. In the words of my favorite Lakeith Stanfield character: Get out.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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A few months ago, I had a breakthrough. After a promotion led to me having a completely different supervisor, what was once a five-year plan to transition out of the organization I was working at, turned into five-month plan. It's a scary point in my life that I haven't found myself at before: I'm not leaving a job because I want better pay or a higher position, I want to leave simply because I'm unhappy. Being thrust back into the job search made me come clean about what I'm lacking as a mid-level professional, and one thing stood out in particular: I'm a horrible negotiator.
It's something I know I need to work on. I'm the kind of person that's happy to have health insurance and being able to maintain my Netflix subscription. But as I get older, and now that I have a family of my own, I'm realizing I need to fight for what's fair when it comes to my salary, because the truth is most companies will aim to get away with compensating you as little as possible.
Women are often told that a closed mouth doesn't get fed, and they need to negotiate their worth, but are employers insulted when they actually do?
Turns out my hesitation with negotiating might be completely justified, as Maria Konnikova pointed out in her New Yorker essay "Lean Out: The Dangers For Women Who Negotiate." She refers to negotiation where gender is involved as “a careful balancing act," and looked at a study on how gender affects negotiation done by Hannah Riley Bowles, a senior lecturer at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government and the director of the Women and Power program. Bowles collaborated with Carnegie Mellon for a series of studies that found that women were penalized far more than men when they asked for higher salaries.
It gets worse.
The studies also found that women were just as guilty of penalizing other women who didn't take what was initially offered, but they also penalized the men just as much. Bowles says, “They just didn't seem to like seeing someone ask for more money."
In a follow-up study, Bowles asked participants to switch roles so that the employer was now the prospective employee. When she asked the women were they comfortable negotiating their salaries in the same situations, the women responded that they weren't and in fact were afraid the conversation would turn against them if they did. Bowles came to the conclusion that once any conversation turns to money, regardless of what pronoun you prefer, employers just plain don't like having to pay out money they wouldn't have to if you just shut up and accepted their first offer. But women are on the losing end because men were less likely to be looked at unfavorably for demanding more pay, in fact, it was almost expected.
"Lean Out" also revealed that employers looked for different values in women than they did men. In a study done by Rutgers, researcher Julie Phelan discovered that during the interview process employers focused more on women's social skills than their professional background, where interviews with men revolved solely around qualifications. Sorry ladies, it appears that Mean Girls didn't just end in 2004, getting a job is apparently a popularity contest too.
So does this mean that we should just shut up and be thankful for whatever is thrown our way during the job hunt? According to Katie Donovan, that's exactly what we should do, well at least the keeping our mouths shut part. The founder of consulting agency, Equal Pay Negotiations says that women give themselves an advantage when they learn to handle a little awkward silence. "In sales, this is something that people are constantly trained in," she says in the article "A Woman's Most Powerful Negotiation Tool? Silence."
"You need to stop selling against yourself. That's what happens when you keep talking. You need to ask a question, then shut up and give the other person a chance to respond."
Donovan says it helps to ask questions and listen, give prospective employers a chance to wonder where your head is at and yourself a chance to evaluate if this is the place you really want to be.
She also suggests thinking of negotiations as more than what your direct deposit is going to look like. Perks are just as important as pay. Maybe the organization genuinely just doesn't have the money to give, but take into consideration things like a company car, working from home or having a flexible schedule. These things can be negotiated as well. Donovan also warns women to not be blinded by the B.S. “Employers have many savvy ways to convince you not to negotiate. Sometimes, it will come across as flattery: 'You're such a great candidate that I didn't want to bother with negotiating—so I went to bat and got you the highest salary you could possibly start with.'"
She warns you to do your research. Search what professionals in your area are making in their positions with sites like Salary.com. Be ready to present why your background is worth what you're asking and role-play situations until negotiating doesn't seem so foreign.
What I learned most from researching the art of negotiation is how different men are socialized from women. Boys are often raised to be confident and to question authority when they feel taken advantage of, while girls are often raised to be respectful and follow the rules.
Unfortunately, this is hurting us where it literally counts the most: our pockets.
I'm still working on the confidence to counter-offer, and now that I think of it, a dress code that includes graphic tee Tuesdays would be pretty dope too, but one thing is for sure: my well-being at work is something I refuse to ever compromise on again.
Have you ever negotiated a good deal or were you and your demands shown to the door?
Originally published May 8, 2017
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