While people tend to view sex as a very monolithic thing, in reality, oral sex is in fact sex and so is masturbation. With that said, it seems likely that there might be some confusion as to whether masturbation is 'acceptable' during pregnancy. And the answer is: YES! Yes, you can absolutely masturbate. More often than not all types of sex are welcome, however, some positions might require adaption.
There are exceptions to the rule and to be safe, you should absolutely double-check with your OB. But if you have a low-risk pregnancy without complications, it’s typically a safe bet that you can pass go and collect your 200 in the sex department.
If everything checks out from your doctor, here are four benefits to masturbating while pregnant, according to experts.
1. Reduces Anxiety and Stress
GiphyThe ease you wish to feel might be possible with the help of an orgasm or two. Clinical Sexologist and Sex, Intimacy, and Relationship Advisor Katie Lasson explains, "Not only is masturbation safe for the majority of pregnant women, but it can also be a great stress reliever. Masturbation when followed by orgasm releases the feel-good hormones such as oxytocin into our bodies. This helps to make us feel calm and relaxed. As an added bonus your unborn baby will also get the benefit of these feel-good hormones."
She adds, "A lot of women find that their libido increases during pregnancy so masturbation can be a great way to manage that. You may notice some mild cramping in your stomach after you reach orgasm but that is normal. If you experience any pain, seek medical help immediately. Some women also experience more intense orgasms when they're pregnant."
2. Melatonin Vibes
Any parent will tell you that you should sleep as much as you can before the baby gets here. However, postpartum and the body changes experienced during each stage of your pregnancy can make sleeping well difficult. During the prenatal phase, one might find themselves coping with insomnia due to your belly growing and/or breast and body aches. And when you do finally get to sleep, you might experience nightmares that are said to be caused by the anxiety of bringing a child into this world. Trouble sleeping might also be coupled with a newfound ability to snore due to pregnancy rhinitis.
Due to the 'feel-good hormones' mentioned in the previous post, masturbation or bringing yourself to orgasm also makes for a better night’s sleep.
3. Inducing Overdue Babies
Suzannah Weiss, certified sex educator, sex/love coach, and trained doula, says, “If you're pregnant past your due date, masturbation (as well as partnered sex) can also be a way to bring on labor. Sexual pleasure, especially when it involves orgasm, releases oxytocin, which can stimulate labor contractions, and prostaglandins, which help the cervix dilate. The only thing to be careful about is not to insert anything into your vagina after your water breaks.”
Additionally, Weiss recommends trying the following items if you’re someone who has difficulty reaching where you need to be, to get where you want to go (if you catch my drift). "Sex toys such as wand vibrators may be helpful,” she begins, adding that a few other accessories, such as this pillow can also prove reliable for achieving orgasm.
4. Sense of Pre-Parent Self
GiphyYou don't stop being a sexual or sensual being just because your journey is evolving into motherhood. Masturbation is a great way to remind yourself of who you are in the process of becoming more. “As a woman’s body changes during pregnancy, they may become more confident and feel more feminine and desirable – or less. Masturbation can help [those expecting] stay connected to their body and find ways to satisfy needs they may not be able to otherwise or like they were accustomed to before pregnancy. In turn, this can help her keep her sense of self during these changes,” according to the Director of Kiiroo’s Helen Zeal.
Before you partake in getting your solo sex session on, it is also worth noting that “in the third trimester of your pregnancy, sometimes orgasm after masturbation can increase the frequency of your Braxton Hicks contractions." Relationship Expert Psychologist and Sex Therapist Tatyana Dyachenko confirms that this occurrence is pretty normal.
Without a doubt, there are some amazing benefits to masturbating during pregnancy. Let us know if you decide to try it.
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“I can do it myself.”
That was my go-to response. Even though there were times when I didn’t actually know how I was going to do it. I sure as hell wasn’t going to concede to that idea. There were even times in my warped thinking when I had convinced myself that some people only offered help (usually in the form of money) because they assumed I needed it. And I often did. But I wasn’t going to cop to that, either. I’d figure it out, and once I did, I’d feel so much better about myself. Or so I thought.
I read a meme online that said, "Hyper-independence is a trauma response to not being taken care of well." And on that particular day, it resonated with me in a way I didn't quite expect.
What is hyper-independence and is it a trauma response?
GiphyThe American Psychological Association (APA) defines trauma as an emotional response to a terrible event. This can include the loss of a loved one, physical abuse, or being bullied. In some cases, being the witness to a life-threatening event such as an illness or natural disaster can also cause trauma.
Dr. Joanne Frederick, a licensed professional counselor and a professor at George Mason University agrees that hyper-independence can be a result of trauma and may show up in one or more of the following ways:
- Taking on too much
- Saying no to help
- Having trouble with delegating tasks
For me, agreeing to projects, giving my last, and working full-time while also going to school nearly full-time gave me what I now know to be a false narrative that my self-worth was tied to what I could do rather than simply who I was.
Because of this, I said yes when I should have (and sometimes wanted to) say no. And on many occasions, I declined help from people who could have easily lightened my load which caused me to overextend myself to the point of burnout, emotional bankruptcy, and physical exhaustion.
The thing is, my independence was connected to my pride. Being able to accomplish the things that I did was my way of saying, “Look what I was able to do. Me, a little Black girl who was supposed to be a statistic. I made it on my own.” I didn’t want to demonstrate/depict/portray an image of “not having it together” and for me, that meant doing it without help. Black women are often praised for what many have referred to as “supernatural strength'' and I, like many others before me, bought into this narrative.
At first glance, it seems like a positive attribute until you look in the mirror one day and don’t physically recognize your own reflection because while you were busy trying to be everything to everybody, you forgot to take care of yourself with food and water and sleep. And yes, that actually happened to me.
I didn’t want to admit to the people (at my church, at my school, or on my job) that I wasn’t the superwoman they thought I was. More than that, I didn’t want to admit it to myself. For so long, I felt like the people who knew me, expected me to look, act, and behave a certain way. The way I had done my whole life. And on some level, I feared that people would think less of me if I ever showed that I didn’t.
GiphyI’m learning that the difference between independence and hyper-independence is acknowledging your own limitations.
In the past, I never wanted to seem incapable or incompetent and unfortunately, I associated asking for help as a (weakness) character flaw instead of realizing that it actually takes strength to admit when you need advice, guidance, or a helping hand. It’s not a character flaw. It’s actually an honorable trait. It shows humility and vulnerability. It shows that you are human.
Personally, I think social media and social comparison have also influenced my ideas around “doing it on my own” with the “self-made” culture and all. As good as it sounds, the truth is no one and I do mean NO ONE ever made it all on their own and many great leaders in history have said the same.
How to work through your trauma
Journaling For Me GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyThe first thing you’ll need to do in order to work through your trauma is to recognize that you have experienced a traumatic event. This could look like expressing your thoughts through journaling, or talking to a trusted family member or friend. It may also require seeking professional help through counseling or therapy.
You may also benefit from the following tips:
- The next time you feel inclined to resist an offer of assistance, take a moment to examine why. Do you truly not need the help or could delegating some responsibility actually make the situation better?
- Consider what it would be like to let someone else handle the situation. Perhaps that could give you more time with your family or take some time for yourself.
- If you don’t need help on the specific task they offered help on, assess your other duties to see if there are other tasks you could use assistance on.
- Remember that dependence is not bad and that interdependence is the “secret” to getting it all done.
Youtube Reaction GIF by Lilly SinghGiphyAs I reflected on reasons why Black women may experience hyper-independence, I was reminded of a concept I learned in grad school. Relational dialectics is a communication theory that was born out of the philosophical belief of Dialectics, which is used to explain the relationship between opposing thoughts. Basically, Dialectics is the discourse between two different points of view, or in layman's terms, a contradiction. Think of it this way in terms of a Black woman versus a strong Black woman.
On one hand, the “Black woman” is a minority who is used to struggling. And on the other hand, there’s the “strong Black woman” who can do anything that comes her way. Now imagine that you have to prove one idea is true and refute the other.
The theory of Dialectics is a way to help us recognize that both ideas may exist, simultaneously. This "push and pull" ideology dates back to the classical era of Greek philosophers such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. Although called by a different name, the methodology/way of thinking was founded on the idea of two opposing/contrasting thoughts/ideas being so drastically different that they either: (1) determine one to be “true” over the other, (2) find neither to be true or (3) establish both to be true to some extent, resulting in further exploration of either or both sides. With this understanding, it’s easier to see how the two may be interconnected, perhaps even influencing one another.
Yvonne Orji Therapy GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphySimilar concepts exist in other cultures, for example, the dynamism of the Yin and Yang. Much like Dialectics, practitioners of the Yin and Yang concept believe “the balance of emotional values in a relationship is always in motion, and any value pushed to its extreme contains the seed of its opposite.” Thus, the study of Dialectics is really about how to have a conversation that leads to truth. This is different from the eristic method, which is when someone argues just to win, and from the didactic method, which is when one person teaches another. Essentially, Dialectics not only teaches us how people argue, but it can also demonstrate how we can learn from each other.
With this understanding in mind, I wanted to examine the relationship between dependence, independence, and hyper-independence. Maybe these states of being aren’t as compartmentalized as they seem. Maybe the act of being independent is having the ability to care for yourself enough to know when it's time to let someone else who also cares, care for you.
“I could really use your help on this.”
For so long, I was the person who said “no,” before I said, “yes.” But I’m learning to say, “This is actually hard but I’m so used to doing things all by myself. I really appreciate you for offering to help.”
And I actually feel stronger than ever.
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Skin Care
Vogue/YouTube
In the Vogue Beauty Secrets video, the 26-year-old started off cleaning her face with Dr. Bronner's Pure Castille Soap in Peppermint. She then used Dr. Dennis Gross Pewter DRx SpectraLite FaceWare Pro, which comes in three settings. When she moved on to Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel she began opening up about her skin journey. The Korean and Black actress revealed that her skin started to change in her 20s.
“When my skin changed, it became a big shock to me and I didn’t know what to do,” she said. “I started trying all these products that I think at first made things worse.” So, she decided to scale back the products she was using and also stop touching her face.
Vogue/YouTube
She loves using Lush’s Tea Tree Water toner and following it up with Cosrx Two in One Poreless Power Liquid. “My mom is Korean and my dad’s Black,” she said. “I have all these weird combinations of my skin, hair, everything. My mom was kinda learning with me as I was growing up.”
She ended up learning a lot about skin care and makeup while on set. “When I’m on set filming, I find that I have to be very diligent about my skincare routine because– a lot of makeup every day. Sometimes you’re sitting in your makeup for up to 12 hours a day,” she said. “With me doing Sabrina, that was of course a lot of makeup ‘cause it was stylized. I just had to be very disciplined.”
Vogue/YouTube
She used Cosrx Advanced Snail Peptide Eye Cream and revealed that she had eczema around her eyes and eyelids. And then she ends her skin care routine with Tula Protect + Glow Daily Sunscreen Gel Broad Spectrum SPF 30 and Tatcha The Kissu Lip Mask. “I definitely think skin care is a part of self-care. It’s loving on yourself to give your skin what it needs to have your spa day every day,” she said.
She loves to be by the water and so beach days are a must for her. “I didn’t use sunscreen before and I’m realizing within the last year how important it is especially because I have a quite bit of scarring.”
Makeup
Vogue/YouTube
“What I start with always is the Tatcha Liquid Silk Canvas [foundation]. I started using it when I did Sabrina,” she said. But for the video, she decided to go with the Too Faced Born This Way Matte Foundation. “I usually do a soft layer first. Then, if I want to cover my spots a little bit more and sometimes I don’t cover my spots because; free the imperfections. Sometimes we don’t need to cover up everything because that is a part of us as well.”
Vogue/YouTube
After applying foundation, she used Fenty Beauty Bright Fix Eye Brightener and Lush Charisma Skin Tint for contouring. She then applied Glossier Cloud Paint on her cheeks to “accentuate my apples.”
Vogue/YouTube
After using One/Size Ultimate Blurring Setting Powder to reduce shine, she topped it off with Urban Decay All Nighter Long-Lasting Makeup Setting Spray. “When I was filming season three of You and we had to wear masks on set constantly, I found that this (setting spray) helped a bunch with keeping things in place so we didn’t have to do as much touch-ups.”
Vogue/YouTube
While the characters she plays on television often require her to wear a lot of makeup, her everyday look isn’t as bold. “Less is more,” she said. “Especially when I first started getting into makeup and my skin started sort of messing up a bit. Of course, I got self-conscious for a while, but by having that piece of advice, it never let me fall into trying to cover, cover, cover, cover, cover even with acne and scars and everything still allowed me to find love for myself and be able to look in the mirror and still be like I am pretty.”
Vogue/YouTube
One of the beauty trends that she likes to partake in is applying dots around her eyes. “I started doing dots four or five years ago. I just found it as a way to shape my eyes out without using eyeshadow and things,” she said. When it comes to her looks, Tati likes to make a statement from head to toe.
She ended her routine by adding baby hairs using Texture ID Edge Taming Gel because she loves the way it frames her face.
Tati Gabrielle's Guide to Statement-Making Makeup | Beauty Secrets | Vogue
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Featured image still via Vogue Beauty Secrets/YouTube
Whether she’s advocating for hot yoga or telling people to take their gut health seriously, Simone is always giving us the tea on how to get physically and spiritually aligned. xoNecole spoke with Simone about how to romanticize your life and start your wellness journey as a Holistic Mami too.
xoNecole: Have you always been into wellness and if not what made you want to get into it?
Arielle Simone: I was not always into wellness, but I was always into moving my body. I used to eat whatever whenever. I noticed that my skin was really bad. My balance was really bad. I was consistently bloated and constipated. I was a model originally. I used to model and I was very dehydrated, not taking care of myself. Now my skin is really clear. I take care of my diet. Things have definitely started to get better.
xoNecole: What does an average day look like for you?
AS: I wake up at six A.M. and I pray, journal, meditate, stretch – in that very order. And I read a lot. My morning routine is two hours, I’m gonna be honest it’s a solid two hours. Then I cook or I go to the gym. I get on the computer and do some work. I write some wellness content. I spend time with my snake.
Some days, I don’t eat super super nutritious, but I think it’s important to find a balance between what feels good and what is good.
Arielle Simone
Courtesy of Arielle Simone
xoNecole: In your Vogue interview you spoke about romanticizing your life. What does that look like for you?
AS: I find the luxuries in everything, and I mean everything. Finding the luxury of having time in the morning. The sun started piercing through the window and hitting your skin. Finding the luxury in having more time to journal. Having an able working body that you can massage yourself, wash yourself, brush your teeth. I try to find the luxury in every little thing.
I do want to add that the five love languages, it's important to practice that on yourself. That's a good way that I have been romanticizing my life. So I really like gifts and I really like physical touch. So I'd love to massage myself. I love to touch on myself. I be looking at my little scars and my cuts like, “you gonna be alright; you gonna be fine.” It’s things like that that I find to be very romantic.
xoNecole: You are intentional about directing much of your advice towards Black women, can you talk a bit about that?
AS: Black women are the highest demographic in high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and heart attacks. And that’s alarming. And I feel like because we go through so much on a day-to-day basis, it's hard for us to understand and listen to our bodies. It’s hard when you’re taking care of the family, when we are dealing with work and just dealing with people on a day to day basis, it's hard to check in and see: “Hey, do I have energy? Have you stretched? Maybe I need to spend time in nature. Maybe I need to call my friends.”
Everything feeds us–from the conversations that we have to the music that we listen to, the podcast we get into. Everything we engage in is a part of our diet.
xoNecole: What are the unique barriers you think Black women face when trying to engage in wellness that you see?
AS: Not knowing where to start or not having the resources or not being around a healthy bodega or a healthy food store or not being able to afford to invest into wellness. But I think for sure just not knowing where to start and not seeing people like us talk about [wellness].
xoNecole: What are the ways in which Black women can start their wellness journeys?
AS: I think it’s really important to start off with a morning routine. I’m a big believer in how you start your day is how you start your life. And if we wake up scrambled or we pick up the phone immediately and we’re looking at everybody else’s business before we can even see, like, do my legs work? Can I get up?
So if you have no idea how to start with wellness, I would absolutely start with how you start your day. Waking up a little earlier. Finding out what you need and breaking it down into three small categories like mind, body, soul. What does my mind need right now to be stimulated? Should I be reading or should I be meditating? What does my body need? Do I need to stretch? Do I need some fresh air? Do I need a warm cup of tea? Do I need silence? Should I go on a hike? You can just start the day catering to yourself.
Phoebe Cheong
“I've learned how to take better care of myself through caring for my plants,” Christopher tells xoNecole. “Am I drinking enough water? Is my body getting enough sunshine? Are my roots and foundation sturdy enough to support my new growth? What are the things I need in order to keep growing and thriving?” Taking care of their plants lends itself to how they take care of and pour into themselves, and thus Christoper has cultivated a built-in wellness routine in the name of self-care. By cultivating plant routines throughout the week, they are able to fill their cup by way of nature breaks sprinkled into their day.
Their favorite way to water their 'green gurls' includes turning on some music, wearing a great outfit, pouring a cocktail, and then tending to their plants. “Caring for plants can be tedious and seem like a chore if you treat it that way. Build a plant family that vibes with you. There is no ‘green thumb.' You simply have to match the plants to the level of care you can provide,” Christopher acknowledges. “Plants are like potential friends. You want to make sure you are both compatible.”
Phoebe Cheong
The viridescent journey to becoming a plant parent was a life-changing one for Christopher, who started their venture into plant parenthood six years ago with a single Marble Queen Pothos. Since then, the queer, non-binary, femme plant connoisseur has evolved into an expert of the industry, and their Brooklyn apartment is now home to 225 plants that they affectionately call “green gurls” and “kweens.”
While a parent rarely admits to picking favorites, Christopher doesn’t play coy about their current fave among the gurls being a nearly 30-year-old Monstera deliciosa, “as she is the newest and largest kween in my plant fam.” Below, the Plant Kween puts us on to their top three picks for the perfect house plant to usher in a spring awakening. (Bonus: The plants are all pet-friendly.)
The Rattlesnake Plant
Rattlesnake Plant
Getty Images
"The Calathea Lancifolia (a.k.a. Ms. Rattlesnake Plant) is a green gurl I’ve had for quite some time, and I’ve found her to be quite easy to care for and quite resilient to my newbie plant parent mistakes back in the day! This kween is native to Brazil’s tropical climate, so she enjoys warm temperatures and humidity. I keep her away from cold drafts in the winter and I have her close to my humidifier.
"I’ve found that bright indirect light is best for her, as I’ve witnessed that too much direct sunlight will fade the beautiful green spots on her leaves. I have this kween in well-drained soil, with a once-a-week watering schedule in warmer months and once every two weeks in the colder months."
The Areca Palm
Butterfly Palm
Getty Images
"The Areca Palm (a.k.a. the Butterfly Palm) is a kween native to Madagascar, and with her long, graceful feather-shaped fronds she serves that tropical feel, dahling! She may also trigger a cat's playful swatting and biting instincts, so it's comforting to know that this kween isn't toxic for cats or dogs. I’ve found that bright light is very important for this kween, so a spot where she receives lots of natural daylight will be the best place for her.
"If necessary, filter direct sunlight with sheer curtains. She is a green gurl that thrives in humid environments, but I have found that mine is adaptable and doing well with well-drained soil and a standard humidifier. She prefers her soil dry in between waterings, dahling."⠀⠀⠀⠀
The Spider Plant
Spider Plant
Getty Images
"The Spider Plant (Ms. Chlorophytum Comosum, if you’re nasty, dahling) is a green gurl considered to be an adaptable and resilient kween. I’ve recently welcomed this kween into my plant fam and have found that with well-drained soil and bright indirect light, she will flourish. Her small spiderettes are quite easy to propagate, and fun fact, she is actually a green gurl that prefers a semi-potbound environment, so it is recommended to repot her only when she has visibly outgrown her planter!"
YOU GROW GURL!: Plant Kween’s Lush Guide to Growing Your Garden is out now.
Featured image by Phoebe Cheong
