It wasn’t too long ago that someone asked me how I was able to come up with so many different topics when it comes to vaginas. That’s kind of a funny story for another time. What I will say, as it relates to this particular one, is I find it to be quite fascinating that with the amount of vaginas that will be putting in some serious work over Valentine’s Day, there aren’t more articles like this out in cyberspace. I mean, because with as active as so many of them will be, shouldn’t they get some special V-Day treatment? I would certainly think so.
So, there goes my main motivation for today. Although I will say that even if you are gonna be riding it solo or abstinent this year, there are still several things down below that you can do to show your vagina some extra love — since Valentine’s Day is supposed to be honoring those who you love most.
And you do love your vagina, right? RIGHT? #wink
1. Make a Sugaring Appointment
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During the pandemic (well, more like when we were more cautious about the pandemic, because COVID is still out here, y’all), I got into sugaring because my favorite waxer went MIA for a season. Even though we’re back reunited, I’ve been trying to convince her to train to sugar because two things that I liked about that form of hair removal are the ingredients are all-natural and, after time, it can permanently remove unwanted body hair faster than waxing does. Plus, I personally find it to be a less painful process.
Anyway, the reason why I’m mentioning it here is, that since Valentine’s Day tends to have a lot of sweets associated with it, in following along with that theme, sugaring is a sweet way to get your vulva ready for any plans that you might have in store that day.
2. Write Your Vagina a Love Letter
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Last summer, I wrote an article entitled, “12 Men Told Me What They Love So Much About Vaginas.” When you get a chance, check it out because it’s always nice to hear praise about different parts of us — vaginas included. And since men have no problem affirming that very special part of a woman, why shouldn’t we do the same by also declaring, to ourselves, what we appreciate and adore so much about what does so much for us?
So yeah, consider writing your vagina a love letter. It doesn’t have to be super long or deep. Just take a moment to jot down why it’s so precious to you. You’d be amazed at what it can do for your self-esteem, including your sexual self-esteem, and how it will remind you to treasure “her” (yes, I oftentimes refer to vaginas in that way) always.
3. Buy Her Some Pink or Red Panties
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If it’s been more than 12 months since you’ve treated yourself to some new panties, there is absolutely no time like the present. If you’re not sure what to get, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Panties Your Vagina Actually Prefers,” and then, in honor of V-Day, make sure that at least a couple of them are pink or red. On the color psychology tip, pink represents things like femininity, peace, playfulness, healing, and warmth, while red is all about love, passion, sex, energy, and stimulation.
4. Treat Her to Some Jewelry Too
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If you’re looking for a surefire way to intensify your orgasms this year, why not invest in a clit clamp? If you’re curious about how much pleasure they are able to provide, yet you’d prefer to tiptoe into the idea, something that you might prefer (at least for now) is a clit clip. They are faux piercings that tend to not be as long as clamps and can be worn like…earrings on your clitoris. A pretty one that I recently saw on Etsy (that site is so my jam!) is a hoop with a Swarovski crystal (here). There are also simple pearl clips like this one here.
5. Try a Tube of Vaginal Lipstick
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Kissing tends to happen a lot on Valentine’s Day. Well, in honor of Kelly Rowland’s throwback “Kisses Down Low” (receiving) and Usher’s “Good Kisser” (giving), if you want to get your lips down below ready for a few kisses of its own, Medicine Mama is a brand that carries something known as VMAGIC Lips Stick. It’s an all-natural vulva moisturizer that contains ingredients like honey, beeswax, olive oil, avocado oil, and sea buckthorn (which is a great vaginal lubricator). Soft and smooth lips (up top and down below) are always a Valentine’s Day delight…right? If you’re interested, you can get it here.
6. Sip on Some Red Wine
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Does nothing make you happier than sipping on a glass of red wine? If so, and you’ve got a significant other this year, red wine has a solid reputation for being a pretty reliable aphrodisiac. Some of the reasons why is it stimulates arousal, increases (natural) vaginal lubrication, and can help to intensify your sexual experience overall. Plus, red wine contains antioxidants that can keep your vagina healthy on a myriad of different levels.
7. Enjoy Some Dark Chocolate
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Next to red roses, probably the first thing that comes to people’s minds as it relates to Valentine’s Day gifts is chocolate. Well, if you like dark chocolate, your vagina will certainly thank you for it. Not only does it also have a lot of antioxidants in it, the magnesium that it contains will also help to keep your libido high as well as help to stimulate blood flow down to your vagina — and that helps to bring orgasms abundant into your direction.
8. Apply a Hydrating Mask to Your Pubic Hair
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A part of the reason why I penned the article, “Here Are The Pros And Cons About Different Types Of Pubic Hair Maintenance” last summer is because it is my personal opinion that, for a lot of us, pubic hair does not get the kind of TLC that it truly deserves. Case in point: when’s the last time you’ve given yours a hydrating mask? Yeah, exactly. I mean, if the hair on our head could use a conditioner to keep it soft and manageable, why wouldn’t our pubic hair as well? You can apply a hair conditioner to it for five minutes and rinse.
You can create a hydrating mask of plain yogurt, some aloe vera gel, and vitamin E, leave it on for 5-7 minutes and rinse. You can also combine an egg white, a teaspoon of shea butter, and a few drops of lavender oil, leave it on for 10 minutes, and rinse.
All of these moisturizing recipes will soften your hair down below. Just make sure that you focus on the outside of your vulva so that your vagina doesn’t get irritated by any of these ingredients in any way.
9. Bathe Her in Some Rosewater and Rose Petals
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Rosewater contains antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that help to soothe eczema and psoriasis, speed up the healing process of wounds, help to bring relief to headaches, bring you out of a sober mood as well and strengthen your immunity. And since it’s so good for your skin and it contains anti-aging properties (and yes, vulvas and vaginas do indeed age; check out “Vaginas Age Just Like Everything Else. You Can Slow It Down, Though.”), soaking in some homemade rosewater can be a great way to pamper “her” — as well as the rest of you.
While you’re at it, since roses are the signature flower for Valentine’s Day, why not toss some rose petals into your bathwater while you’re at it? Just make sure to thoroughly rinse the petals beforehand in the skin in order to remove any pesticides, dirt, or dust particles that may be on them.
By the way, a recipe for how to make rosewater is located right here.
10. Speak Your Vagina’s Love Language
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Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Acts of service. Quality Time. Gifts. When it comes to these love languages, how do you prefer love to be expressed to you the most? Whatever that is, why not give that same kind of lovin’ to your vagina? I’m dead serious.
- For words of affirmation, we covered writing a love letter to your vagina.
- Physical touch? How about doing a self-exam or some vaginal mapping?
- Acts of service, schedule a professional vaginal facial appointment.
- Quality time? Make a meal out of some foods that are proven to be good for your vagina.
- Gifts? If a clit clip isn’t your thing and panties aren’t what you need, perhaps indulge with a bottle of Fur Oil.
_____
Again, with all that vaginas do for us and with all of the “work” that it will be puttin’ in for so many on Valentine’s Day, I thought it was imperative to give our girls a special shout-out.
Show her some extra lovin’ on V-Day. How could you not agree that she’s earned it?
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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