A few weeks ago, while penning a piece on dating pet peeves, a few people said the same thing. To quote one individual verbatim: “I hate kissing someone for the first time and their lips feel dry or really rough. As far as first impressions go, that one is hard to shake; especially if they’re a bad kisser on top of it.”
The poor kissing form? That’s something we’ll have to deal with at another time, chile. As far as the initial concerns, however, that is something that we can address quick, fast, and in a hurry. Because if there’s one thing that I think we all can get on the same page about, it’s the fact that the best kisses consist of two people who have a set of super soft ‘n smooth lips — and here are 12 ways to get ‘em.
How To Make Your Lips Soft
1. Consume Vitamin B3
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Vitamin B is an interesting type of nutrient because, actually, there are eight different forms of it. Anyway, vitamin B3 is also called niacin; it’s beneficial for you because it helps to keep your digestive and nervous systems in peak condition. Some other cool things about this particular B vitamin are it can help to lower your blood pressure, treat type 1 diabetes and it can keep your skin in great shape, in part, because it protects your skin from sun damage.
Some health professionals say that a niacin deficiency can result in dry and cracked lips, and that’s why this nutrient tops the list of things that you can do to keep your lips soft and healthy. Some foods that are high in vitamin B3 include bananas, brown rice, red meat, fish, poultry, fortified cereals, and green peas. Of course, you can always take a B-complex vitamin to get more of B3 into your system as well.
2. Avoid Certain Beauty Brand Ingredients
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If you lick your lips a lot, do everything in your power to try and break that bad habit. The reason why it can dry your lips out is due to the fact that your spit contains digestive enzymes that can actually weaken the skin that is on them. Know what else can dry your lips out? Certain popular ingredients that are found in various cosmetics, including lip products.
Some that top the list include camphor, menthol, salicylic acid, fragrance, and (believe it or not) lanolin. Yeah, it’s kind of wild that many dermatologists frown on such a popular emollient; however, it seems that this issue is it tends to be a skin allergen for many. So, just make sure to do a small skin patch test on yourself before going all in with it.
3. Apply Sunscreen to Your Lips
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Do you have some discoloration issues happening when it comes to your lips? It could be because you haven’t been proactive about shielding them from the damage that the sun can do. Yep, just like you need to protect your skin from UV rays, your lips need that same kind of proactive care. Otherwise, they can experience dark spots, dryness, and even fine lines and wrinkles around them. So, before you put any kind of lip color on your lips, apply a lip balm that has some SPF in it. Allure has a list of some great recommendations here.
Also, don’t assume that this tip is only for late spring and the summertime. According to the Skin Cancer Foundation, the sun can burn you any time of the year — even when it’s very cold outside.
4. Massage Your Lips with Some Sweet Almond Oil
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As far as skincare is concerned, I’m always and forever gonna be a huge fan of sweet almond oil. Aside from the fact that the nutrients in it can help to keep your skin hydrated, smooth, and glowing, there are studies that say it can reduce dandruff and help prevent hair loss too. The reason why it’s great for your lips, specifically, is it contains anti-inflammatory properties that help to soothe irritated lips.
Another bonus is that since many health professionals profess that sweet almond oil is a gentle exfoliator too, it can help to remove dead skin cells from your lips so that there’s less feathering and peeling. This brings me to my next tip.
5. DIY a Flavored Lip Scrub
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If you’ve ever kissed someone who has dry lips or lips with little bits of flaking skin on them, you get how uncomfortable that can make the entire experience, regardless of how good their overall kissing technique may be. To make sure that you’re not the one who makes someone else feel this way, it’s important that you exfoliate your lips, a couple of times per week.
There are lip scrubs that you can purchase; however, there are also ones that you can make yourself. For instance, a mixture of brown sugar and grapeseed oil can get the job done. Or, if you’d like to create a variety of lip scrubs to choose from, Healthline has several here and StyleCraze has many others here.
6. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Baking Soda
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If your child happened to come home one day with a busted lip, one of the best things that you could do is create a paste that uses baking soda as a base. The logic behind it all is that baking soda contains anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties that can help speed up the healing process. This is why baking soda is also great for healing canker sores and even bringing relief to the itchiness that can sometimes come with herpes breakouts (on the lips). Just something to keep in mind if you want to take an at-home approach to semi-minor skin irritations.
7. Go Easy on the Super Hot Drinks
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Listen, I enjoy a hot drink just like the next gal. At the same time, it would make sense that if it’s not a good idea to bathe or shower in really hot water (because it has a tendency to dehydrate your skin) that the same temperature shouldn’t constantly hit your lips either. From what I’ve read and researched, super hot drinks can weaken the lipid barrier on your lips and that can lead to either really chapped ones or even burned lips. So, at the very least, if you’re about to go in for a big kiss after a date, drink something cool instead of some hot cocoa beforehand.
8. Tint Your Lips with an All-Natural Rose Paste
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The history of red lipstick is an interesting one; one that is kind of all over the place. Some say that it used to be a status symbol. Others say that it was a way to seduce men into marriage (and/or sex). Some stories state that was an act of rebellion (against male authority). And then there’s the, perhaps, most common take: red lips remind men of vaginal lips (hmm…).
Whatever the reason/motive/intention may be for you personally (even if it’s just because you look bomb in it, as most Black women do), since reportedly 81 percent of women wear lipstick on a daily basis, if you want to add a bit of color to your lips yet your partner hates it when lip product all over his mouth whenever you’re kissing him, something that you can do is make a rose paste for your lips.
You can do this by making a type that can sit on your lips for a few minutes (one recipe is here) or by creating a rose lip balm (recipe here). Either way, your lips will receive a good amount of vitamins, antioxidants, and minerals and the paste will add a hint of a rosy tint to them too.
9. Use Vitamin E As a “Primer”
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Aside from shea butter, another one of my favorite “lip primers” is vitamin E. It’s a fat-soluble vitamin that deeply moisturizes your lips. For some, it can even make your lips appear a bit fuller due to the way that this nutrient hydrates them. You can purchase some vitamin E oil in a bottle; however, what I do is just get the gel capsules, pierce them with a needle, and apply the oil that way.
Tip: If you want a glossier base, go with vitamin E. If you’re going to create a matte lip, shea butter is better; it’s less “greasy” yet it will still give your lips plenty of the vitamins and softness that they need.
10. Add Some Honey to Your Lip Gloss
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If you want a way to keep that man on your mouth for as long as possible, all you’ve got to do is add a dab of honey to your lip gloss. Not only will your lips taste absolutely delicious, because honey is a humectant (which means it pulls moisture from the air), but it will also deeply moisturize your lips. Not only that but it also can help to protect your lips from UV damage as well as keep your lips looking youthful (because, believe it or not, yes…lips do age).
11. Try a Combination of Hyaluronic Acid and Evening Primrose on Irritated Lips
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Something that I’ve been getting into, this year especially, is some hyaluronic acid (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”). I’ve been consistent with it when it comes to my skin (for the deep hydration), I’m making a transition into adding it to a particular hair product of mine (to give my tresses some extra moisture) and I’m going to tiptoe into applying it to my lips as well.
Since this type of acid is also considered to be a humectant, it will help to moisturize your lips as well as keep them super soft and smooth. Then, if you put a bit of evening primrose oil on top of a layer of the acid, the properties in it will add hydration and elasticity as it works overtime to prevent internal hydration from leaving your lips.
12. Add Some Ghee Butter to Them at Night
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If a part of you has always wondered what ghee butter is all about, the long short of it is, it’s a clarified butter that has all of the water removed from it. Since it’s high in fatty acids, vitamins B12, D, and E, and a host of other nutrients, both your skin and lips will literally drink it up since it helps to hydrate your skin, smooth out the appearance of discoloration, and get rid of cracking.
So, if you want to keep your lips in great shape throughout the night, apply a thin layer of ghee to them at night — and then possibly after washing your face and brushing your teeth on cold winter mornings because, another thing that it has a solid reputation for, is shielding your lips from the cold. Good thing to know!
Now hop off of this thing and apply these tips…so that you can take your future kisses to the very next level. You’re welcome. #wink
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images
- 10 DIY Tips For Sexier Lips (Than You Already Have) ›
- 8 Lip Products You Need To Cop If You Haven't Already ›
- I Tried It: 5 Longwear Lipsticks That Are Actually Worth The Coin ›
- 7 Things You Didn't Know Were Keeping Your Lips Dry ›
- Sweeten Your Self-Care: The Must-Have Sugar Scrubs For Your Body Care Routine ›
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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