A few weeks ago, while penning a piece on dating pet peeves, a few people said the same thing. To quote one individual verbatim: “I hate kissing someone for the first time and their lips feel dry or really rough. As far as first impressions go, that one is hard to shake; especially if they’re a bad kisser on top of it.”
The poor kissing form? That’s something we’ll have to deal with at another time, chile. As far as the initial concerns, however, that is something that we can address quick, fast, and in a hurry. Because if there’s one thing that I think we all can get on the same page about, it’s the fact that the best kisses consist of two people who have a set of super soft ‘n smooth lips — and here are 12 ways to get ‘em.
How To Make Your Lips Soft
1. Consume Vitamin B3
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Vitamin B is an interesting type of nutrient because, actually, there are eight different forms of it. Anyway, vitamin B3 is also called niacin; it’s beneficial for you because it helps to keep your digestive and nervous systems in peak condition. Some other cool things about this particular B vitamin are it can help to lower your blood pressure, treat type 1 diabetes and it can keep your skin in great shape, in part, because it protects your skin from sun damage.
Some health professionals say that a niacin deficiency can result in dry and cracked lips, and that’s why this nutrient tops the list of things that you can do to keep your lips soft and healthy. Some foods that are high in vitamin B3 include bananas, brown rice, red meat, fish, poultry, fortified cereals, and green peas. Of course, you can always take a B-complex vitamin to get more of B3 into your system as well.
2. Avoid Certain Beauty Brand Ingredients
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If you lick your lips a lot, do everything in your power to try and break that bad habit. The reason why it can dry your lips out is due to the fact that your spit contains digestive enzymes that can actually weaken the skin that is on them. Know what else can dry your lips out? Certain popular ingredients that are found in various cosmetics, including lip products.
Some that top the list include camphor, menthol, salicylic acid, fragrance, and (believe it or not) lanolin. Yeah, it’s kind of wild that many dermatologists frown on such a popular emollient; however, it seems that this issue is it tends to be a skin allergen for many. So, just make sure to do a small skin patch test on yourself before going all in with it.
3. Apply Sunscreen to Your Lips
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Do you have some discoloration issues happening when it comes to your lips? It could be because you haven’t been proactive about shielding them from the damage that the sun can do. Yep, just like you need to protect your skin from UV rays, your lips need that same kind of proactive care. Otherwise, they can experience dark spots, dryness, and even fine lines and wrinkles around them. So, before you put any kind of lip color on your lips, apply a lip balm that has some SPF in it. Allure has a list of some great recommendations here.
Also, don’t assume that this tip is only for late spring and the summertime. According to the Skin Cancer Foundation, the sun can burn you any time of the year — even when it’s very cold outside.
4. Massage Your Lips with Some Sweet Almond Oil
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As far as skincare is concerned, I’m always and forever gonna be a huge fan of sweet almond oil. Aside from the fact that the nutrients in it can help to keep your skin hydrated, smooth, and glowing, there are studies that say it can reduce dandruff and help prevent hair loss too. The reason why it’s great for your lips, specifically, is it contains anti-inflammatory properties that help to soothe irritated lips.
Another bonus is that since many health professionals profess that sweet almond oil is a gentle exfoliator too, it can help to remove dead skin cells from your lips so that there’s less feathering and peeling. This brings me to my next tip.
5. DIY a Flavored Lip Scrub
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If you’ve ever kissed someone who has dry lips or lips with little bits of flaking skin on them, you get how uncomfortable that can make the entire experience, regardless of how good their overall kissing technique may be. To make sure that you’re not the one who makes someone else feel this way, it’s important that you exfoliate your lips, a couple of times per week.
There are lip scrubs that you can purchase; however, there are also ones that you can make yourself. For instance, a mixture of brown sugar and grapeseed oil can get the job done. Or, if you’d like to create a variety of lip scrubs to choose from, Healthline has several here and StyleCraze has many others here.
6. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Baking Soda
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If your child happened to come home one day with a busted lip, one of the best things that you could do is create a paste that uses baking soda as a base. The logic behind it all is that baking soda contains anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties that can help speed up the healing process. This is why baking soda is also great for healing canker sores and even bringing relief to the itchiness that can sometimes come with herpes breakouts (on the lips). Just something to keep in mind if you want to take an at-home approach to semi-minor skin irritations.
7. Go Easy on the Super Hot Drinks
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Listen, I enjoy a hot drink just like the next gal. At the same time, it would make sense that if it’s not a good idea to bathe or shower in really hot water (because it has a tendency to dehydrate your skin) that the same temperature shouldn’t constantly hit your lips either. From what I’ve read and researched, super hot drinks can weaken the lipid barrier on your lips and that can lead to either really chapped ones or even burned lips. So, at the very least, if you’re about to go in for a big kiss after a date, drink something cool instead of some hot cocoa beforehand.
8. Tint Your Lips with an All-Natural Rose Paste
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The history of red lipstick is an interesting one; one that is kind of all over the place. Some say that it used to be a status symbol. Others say that it was a way to seduce men into marriage (and/or sex). Some stories state that was an act of rebellion (against male authority). And then there’s the, perhaps, most common take: red lips remind men of vaginal lips (hmm…).
Whatever the reason/motive/intention may be for you personally (even if it’s just because you look bomb in it, as most Black women do), since reportedly 81 percent of women wear lipstick on a daily basis, if you want to add a bit of color to your lips yet your partner hates it when lip product all over his mouth whenever you’re kissing him, something that you can do is make a rose paste for your lips.
You can do this by making a type that can sit on your lips for a few minutes (one recipe is here) or by creating a rose lip balm (recipe here). Either way, your lips will receive a good amount of vitamins, antioxidants, and minerals and the paste will add a hint of a rosy tint to them too.
9. Use Vitamin E As a “Primer”
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Aside from shea butter, another one of my favorite “lip primers” is vitamin E. It’s a fat-soluble vitamin that deeply moisturizes your lips. For some, it can even make your lips appear a bit fuller due to the way that this nutrient hydrates them. You can purchase some vitamin E oil in a bottle; however, what I do is just get the gel capsules, pierce them with a needle, and apply the oil that way.
Tip: If you want a glossier base, go with vitamin E. If you’re going to create a matte lip, shea butter is better; it’s less “greasy” yet it will still give your lips plenty of the vitamins and softness that they need.
10. Add Some Honey to Your Lip Gloss
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If you want a way to keep that man on your mouth for as long as possible, all you’ve got to do is add a dab of honey to your lip gloss. Not only will your lips taste absolutely delicious, because honey is a humectant (which means it pulls moisture from the air), but it will also deeply moisturize your lips. Not only that but it also can help to protect your lips from UV damage as well as keep your lips looking youthful (because, believe it or not, yes…lips do age).
11. Try a Combination of Hyaluronic Acid and Evening Primrose on Irritated Lips
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Something that I’ve been getting into, this year especially, is some hyaluronic acid (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”). I’ve been consistent with it when it comes to my skin (for the deep hydration), I’m making a transition into adding it to a particular hair product of mine (to give my tresses some extra moisture) and I’m going to tiptoe into applying it to my lips as well.
Since this type of acid is also considered to be a humectant, it will help to moisturize your lips as well as keep them super soft and smooth. Then, if you put a bit of evening primrose oil on top of a layer of the acid, the properties in it will add hydration and elasticity as it works overtime to prevent internal hydration from leaving your lips.
12. Add Some Ghee Butter to Them at Night
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If a part of you has always wondered what ghee butter is all about, the long short of it is, it’s a clarified butter that has all of the water removed from it. Since it’s high in fatty acids, vitamins B12, D, and E, and a host of other nutrients, both your skin and lips will literally drink it up since it helps to hydrate your skin, smooth out the appearance of discoloration, and get rid of cracking.
So, if you want to keep your lips in great shape throughout the night, apply a thin layer of ghee to them at night — and then possibly after washing your face and brushing your teeth on cold winter mornings because, another thing that it has a solid reputation for, is shielding your lips from the cold. Good thing to know!
Now hop off of this thing and apply these tips…so that you can take your future kisses to the very next level. You’re welcome. #wink
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- 10 DIY Tips For Sexier Lips (Than You Already Have) ›
- 8 Lip Products You Need To Cop If You Haven't Already ›
- I Tried It: 5 Longwear Lipsticks That Are Actually Worth The Coin ›
- 7 Things You Didn't Know Were Keeping Your Lips Dry ›
- Sweeten Your Self-Care: The Must-Have Sugar Scrubs For Your Body Care Routine ›
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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