A couple of weeks ago, as a friend of mine was talking about what kind of plans she was going to make with her man for Valentine’s Day, she said something that I think a lot of people feel — “Dinner and a movie are cool but they’re just so predictable. You got any creative ideas?”
Funny, because my editor here asked me the same thing. So, I’m taking all of this to be a sign from the universe that 2023 is the year when folks want to step a bit outside of the norm when it comes to celebrating the day when Cupid likes to make a special appearance.
Whether you’re in something new or something serious, you’re in the same town or miles apart, you’re sexually active or putting (physical) intimacy on ice for now — I hope I covered all of the bases below with these 13 date ideas so that this Valentine’s Day can be one of the best dates — and days — that you’ve ever had!
1. Play Your Own Version of a Dating Show on Zoom
Let’s start here. Have you ever noticed that when it comes to date ideas for Valentine’s Day, oftentimes they tend to be, well, a bit much if you’re in a dynamic where you and someone are just getting to know each other? You’re not close enough to do anything “deep” but it might be a little awkward to ignore Valentine’s Day altogether. If this is exactly where you are with someone, why not come up with your own dating show on Zoom?
For instance, it could be something like a guessing game where both of you come up with 10 or so questions about each other’s favorite things, pet peeves, and what makes you attracted to other people. If you both get a certain amount of answers right (the number is totally up to y’all), the prize can be a future fantasy date. If one of you does, the “loser” can agree to take the other out.
Listen, the rules are totally up to y’all. All I’m saying is this is a safe, fun, and creative way to learn more about each other, all from the comfort and convenience of your own home.
2. Have a Sexless Sleepover
I already know that this one might seem “odd” but going along with the theme of easing into the process of taking things to another level, if you’ve already been out with someone a couple of times, you’re clear that you want to get to know each other better butyou’re not sure that you’re ready for sex just yet, ask them how they would feel about a sexless sleepover. You can each pick a favorite movie, order some of your favorite foods and just…hang out.
If it leads to sex, okay. However, most people would agree with me that sleeping with someone (just sleeping) can also be pretty intimate. Plus, it can help you to understand one another differently. If he’s down and acts like a complete gentleman the entire time (as he should), it can also help to develop a sense of trust that you might not have had prior to him being in your space (or you being in his) for a significant amount of time.
3. Enjoy a Winter or Indoor Picnic Together
Last month, CNN ran an article entitled, “Inflation is killing the first dinner date.” Honestly, I don’t have a problem with that because that whole “A man should spend hundreds of dollars on me on a first date” just oozes entitlement — and if you want a good man who ain’t a sucker, he already knows that. Besides, a picnic ranks higher in my book anyway because it typically requires more creativity and thoughtfulness in order to pull it off. Also, it can be easier to get some one-on-one time in too.
Since it’s still cold outside, why not have a winter picnic with grilled cheese, soups, and hot cocoa or, if it’s not a first date, an indoor picnic at one of your homes? You don’t need to make anything — you can order takeout and just focus on the ambiance — pitch a tent out of blankets, string some lights on it, and play some of your favorite music in the background. Laid-back romance can sometimes be the best kind.
Getty Images
4. Take a Day Trip to the Next City or Town
Valentine’s Day is on a Tuesday this year, so this might be something that you can do either the weekend before or the weekend following it. Either way, turnaround day trips can be a lot of fun because you’re able to get off of the grid and get some much-needed quality time in.
For instance, I live in Nashville, so I’m roughly four hours away from Atlanta. Even if I didn’t feel like going that far, believe it or not, Chattanooga and Huntsville are on the come-up and they’re both somewhere around two hours away. The bonding during the drive and then randomly choosing a restaurant and maybe even spontaneously staying over at a hotel can bring the free-spiritedness out of you both — and that can be really sexy.
5. Come Up with Your Own “Pick a Card” or "Index Card" Challenge
At this point, who hasn’t seen at least 10 versions of the “Pick a Card” challenge that’s gone viral on various socials? Another idea is to have you and your partner each choose a version to surprise each other with.
The thing that I really like about this “game” is it doesn’t require a ton of money (if coins are tight right now); however, you do have to be proactive and also think about things that your partner would really enjoy doing whether they pick the left or right card. Anyway, just something else to think about if you want to do something that’s a little out of the norm this year.
6. Theme a Date Around Each Other’s Top Love Language
By now, who doesn’t know what the five love languages are? They’re words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. With that out of the way, even though it’s common for men to get women some flowers on V-Day, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that it “scratched the itch” when it comes to making a woman feel truly seen and appreciated. And lawd, don’t even get me started on how many men get overlooked altogether (by the way, sex is not a present; both people benefit from the act. Do something tangible for him. He probably won’t see it coming and will profoundly appreciate your efforts).
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language.” When you get a chance, check it out and also send it to the person you’re seeing. Suggest doing something along those lines this year. You might be surprised by what you both come up with — activities that will truly speak to the way that you like to feel appreciated and/or loved.
7. Create a Dating Pinterest Board (for the Year) Together
When it comes to character traits that I personally adore in a man, at the very top of the list is proactiveness. It speaks to him moving with intention when he makes plans ahead of time instead of being reactive because he knows that he dropped the ball.
Anyway, if you and your boo thang would prefer to be somewhat low-key this year, something that you could do is create a dating board on Pinterest. If you’re wondering how that works, it’s basically just like creating a vision board, only the focus is to plan out different things to do together every month until December rolls around. The cool thing about this option is it works if you’re sitting on the couch together or you’re in a long-distance relationship and you’re sharing a screen on Zoom.
Getty Images
8. Use Spotify Group Sessions Feature to Your Favor
Speaking of long-distance situations, if you and your partner are premium subscribers on Spotify, something else that you can do is have a music-listening party together online. Yep, you can either create a favorite music playlist separately or come up with one together and then share the music while you’re both in the same Spotify session.
Even though it won’t be the same thing as being together (I mean, nothing is), listening to the first song you danced to together, did “other stuff” together to, or hearing tunes that make the both of you think about the other person can be pretty romantic when you think about it. If you’ve never used this feature before, click here and here to learn how.
9. Engage in Online Video Game Stripping
Not too long ago, I was interviewing some men about the things that they like about going on dates and also the things that they kinda-sorta loathe. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that one of the things that they hate is being expected to damn near spend half of their rent money on one date; however, another thing that came up is they often end up doing things that only their partner truly enjoys.
Well, this idea most definitely has the fellas in mind. And before you knock video games, Google all of the benefits that come from playing them. They reduce stress. They stimulate creativity. They help with problem-solving skills. And that’s just for starters.
Anyway, if you and your man happen to be apart for Valentine’s Day, perhaps play a few rounds of online video game stripping. Play each other and whoever loses each round, they have to drop something. I can’t think of one guy who won’t jump for joy at the idea of doing this.
10. Cook Each Other’s Favorite Dish (Possibly Naked)
Something that can be a real form of quality time is cooking with your partner. The cool thing about this option is you can also do it whether you live in the same city or not. It can be a great way to get to know each other’s palates as you share some of your favorite recipes and approaches to food.
The twist here is, rather than making one of your own favorite dishes, you make your partner’s instead and vice versa (which also works well if you’re long-distance). If you want to make it sexy, do it in some lingerie or maybe — nothing on at all. #wink
Getty Images
11. Come Up with a Signature Cocktail. And Dessert.
When you think of a signature cocktail, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if wedding receptions are immediately what crosses your mind. But who said that you have to be married or that weddings are the only time when you and your boo thang can come up with a drink that represents the love that’s between the two of you?
If this idea is intriguing yet you have no idea where to begin, Vox has a cocktail test that you can take here and there are a few general instructions for how to make a signature cocktail here, here, and here.
While you’re at it, why not come up with a signature dessert as well? One approach that you can take for this is to discuss your three top favorite desserts each and then come up with a creative way to combine a few of ‘em. Could be a lot of fun!
12. Make a Sex Piñata
Now, when I say “make,” I’m not exactly being literal. LOL. I mean, if arts and crafts are totally your thing, my hat goes off to you. At the same time, there are places where you can purchase a piñata for a fairly decent price; some are even themed around Valentine’s Day like a red heart from Walmart (here) and this rose-colored one from Amazon (here).
Oh, and while you could just fill it with candy and call it a day, why not spice things up a bit and also add some travel-size bottles of lubrication, a couple of sex toys, some lace panties, and maybe even a handwritten note or two that are filled with sexual fantasies?
Each of you can put a blindfold on the other and whoever breaks the piñata first gets a sex-themed surprise — or reward, depending on how you look at it. #wink
13. Do a “Mind, Body and Spirit” Date (Well…Dates)
When you’re in a relationship with someone, your entire being is involved — mind, body, and spirit. So, let’s wrap this Valentine’s Day date ideas article up with the recommendation to break the date up into three segments. For the mind part, play a board game together, ask some never-before-asked questions, or vibe out together with some jazz and wine. For the body, do something exhilarating like ziplining, something relaxing like a yoga class, or schedule an intimate at-home couples massage. For the spirit, get into some orgasmic meditation, go shopping for some crystals, or commit to watching the sun set and rise the next morning together.
As you can see, there are tons of things to do outside of a restaurant or movie theater. Whether you go with one (or a couple) of these ideas or try something else, here’s to taking a more outside-of-the-box approach to Valentine’s Day this year.
Hey, you’re a unique couple, right? Let what you do exemplify that fact.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by LumiNola/Getty Images
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
Jeff Bergen/ Getty Images
"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
Westend61/ Getty Images
While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Vladimir Vladimirov/ Getty Images
