When it comes to dealing with married couples, something that I get asked a lot is, "So, what's the main reason why people come to see you?" While I do get my fair share of affairs, sexual dissatisfaction, and communication issues, something that is becoming more and more of a constant is boredom. Yep, boredom.
If you're thinking that is a pretty shallow reason to be irritated with—if not straight-up sick of—your spouse, think back to the last time you were bored. Bored at work. Bored at home. Bored anywhere. Didn't it feel like its own version of Chinese water torture?
And here's the thing. Many people forget that one definition of boredom is "tedious repetition". When you're caught up in the routine of doing the same things over and over again, that can lead to a pattern that becomes dull and lifeless. If nothing is done to change that, the next level (down) is stagnation. When something (or someone) is stagnant, there is a "lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement".
Shoot, even stagnant water stinks after a while. That's because things are designed to progress. When that doesn't happen in a marriage, it's very easy to feel stuck—and then resentful because of it.
If you're married, you've been trying to figure out why you're currently unhappy in your relationship and all of this resonates, here are a few things that may help to get you and/or yours out of the current rut that you're in.
6 Ways To Revive A Marriage
1.Take Some Personality Tests
Getty Images
I'm single, in my 40s, and still learning new things about myself all of the time. With growth comes change. When we stop doing both, we die (or are basically "dead person walking"). So, what makes us think that just because we share a house and a bed with someone that we know EVERYTHING there is to know about them and/or that they are not constantly changing just like we are?
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, "People change and forget to tell each other." If you and/or your partner is feeling stuck, it can never hurt to take some online personality tests (if you're a bible follower, a spiritual gifts test too). You might be surprised what some of them reveal about what makes both of you tick and/or how time has changed some of who you are over the years.
For instance, if you discover that your spouse has become more of an introvert, that might explain why they don't want to go out as much as they used to. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go out at all; they'd probably just prefer crowd-less one-on-one ideas like glamping, cooking together, or going on a road trip.
2.Create an Electronic Vision Board for Your Relationship
Getty Images
Vision boards are pretty common to most of us. But if you're married, do you and your beloved have a vision board specifically designed for your relationship? I'm asking because healthy married couples are the closest of friends and the best of lovers. You know what else they are? Purpose partners. They are teammates who help each other to achieve goals that they have both separately and apart. They are also mutually supportive when it comes to cultivating a full and fun union.
If you're reading this and you're like, "My man is absolutely not gonna sit on the floor and cut out pictures for a magazine", I hear you. Guess what—there are electronic vision boards that you can download so that you can exchange ideas back and forth via your smartphones.
That trip to Cape Town? Put it on your vision board. That house you want to buy in three years? Put it on your vision board. That company y'all used to dream about back when you were dating? Put it on your vision board. It's kind of hard to feel stuck when you're constantly making plans to move forward.
3.Read the Book ‘The Four Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage’
Getty Images
Back in the day, I used to watch Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original one). I remember in one episode, Donna was talking to the guy who played Khadijah's (from Living Single) love interest, Scooter. Anyway, as he was trying to cheer Donna up, he said, "My mama used to say that if you're up all of the time, you must be on something." Agreed.
Nothing is great, cheery and awesome all of the time. It's unrealistic to expect it to be; marriage is no exception. But for those who are adrenaline junkies or who think that if they are not feeling like they are walking on cloud nine all of the time that something is wrong, they could mistake a season in their marriage for being an actual problem.
That's why I recommend the book The Four Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage. Dr. Gary Chapman (the man who came up with the concept of the five love languages). The gist is just like there are four seasons when it comes to the weather, marriage goes through four seasons (over and over again) too—hopeful (spring), satisfied (summer), unsettled (fall) and distant (winter). And, just like seasons, we find ways to adjust until the next season comes along (Ecclesiastes 3).
(It really does have some really great stuff in it.)
4.Plan Surprise Date Nights
Getty Images
According to an article that was featured on The Knot, a married couple who goes out once a month increases their chances of having a successful marriage. But if all you and yours ever do is go out to the same restaurant or binge-watching Netflix or Hulu, yes, that is going to get really old, really quick.
One way to remedy that is to plan surprise dates. I know that sounds contradictory but what I mean by that is you plan a date that your hubby would like that he knows nothing about until he arrives and ask him to do the same for you. That's (at least) six dates that you will come off as complete surprises to each of you. It's also a simple way to bring a bit of spontaneity back into your relationship.
5.Do Sex Differently
The wonderful thing about married sex is you're giving yourself to someone who promised to love you for the rest of your life. The challenge with married sex is if you're not intentional about keeping thing spicy, you can start to get super lazy with each other.
When's the last time you tried a new sexual position (although technically, there are only six, there are over 200 that are a variation of them)? When's the last time you had sex outside of your bedroom or even outside of your house? When's the last time the two of you went shopping for nothing but items that will spice up your sex life? Do you sext? Do you have middle-of-the-day sex? How many fantasies have you made a reality in the past six months?
If there's one thing all of the couples that I work with have in common, it's the fact that when something is wrong outside of the bedroom, it directly reflects that is happening (or isn't happening) inside of it too.
Sex is too amazing to put it in the category of being dull, mundane, and uninteresting. If that's where you're currently at, the good news is you and yours hold the keys to totally changing that—tonight, if you really want to.
6.Don’t Freak Out
You know who wants to be hyper-stimulated all of the time? Kids. If they are not constantly being entertained, they think there is a problem. It is a sign of maturity to know that life (including intimacy) is not about constantly feeling a certain type of way or always needing something to be going on.
If it's only been a few weeks of things not being as "lively" as they usually are, try not to make that be a problem; it might just be a temporary situation. There's not one couple who's made it past a decade who won't tell you that they haven't been right where you are before, more than once. The good news is they survived it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Jada Pinkett Smith Thinks The Expectation Of Romance Ruins The Reality Of Marriage - Read More
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make - Read More
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level - Read More
- Texting Is Not Courting: 5 Reasons Why Courtship Needs A Rebirth ... ›
- 7 Ways Couples Can Improve Their Sex Life In the New Year - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- 10 Resolutions Every Couple Should Make For Better Sex - xoNecole ›
- 6 Super-Fun Ways To Revive Your Boring Relationship | YourTango ›
- 8 Ways To Revive A Struggling Marriage - RelationhipsAdvice ›
- 16 Questions That Can Revive Your Relationship | Psychology Today ›
- 8 Ways to Bring a Zombie Marriage Back to Life | HuffPost Canada ›
- Reviving Your Marriage ›
- 10 Ways to Rekindle the Passion in Your Marriage ›
- How To Revive a Relationship - Tips for Reviving Your Marriage ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Fall Staples It Girls From Coast To Coast Are Already Wearing
When it comes to trends, It girls lead, they don’t follow. Keeping one finger on the pulse of fashion and the other on their instincts, it’s their innate ability to dress to the beat of their own heart that makes them stand out amongst everyone else around them.
These women are ahead of their time, forecasting what will eventually be adopted by the masses often years in advance. In most cases, buying into trending items is just a by-product of their love of fashion, however, it's never the key ingredient of a memorable outfit.
As we transition from summer to fall, there’s no need to spend too many coins curating a brand new seasonal wardrobe, especially in this economy. Instead of shopping targeted ads, we interviewed fashion-forward influencers to spark our imagination and gather insight on what they’re already wearing leading into the upcoming season. Keep scrolling to get the scoop on essential items these fashion-forward women are looking forward to wearing this fall.
Helecia Williams, Houston
Comfort
Helecia’s style in three words: “Structured, bold, and explorative.”
Helecia’s outfit inspiration: “I am most interested in comfort as a trend. I am truly enjoying the mix of flats with elevated outfits and the incorporation of street-style elements into the looks. I have seen so much juxtaposition that makes the outfits interesting and intriguing. I love the pairing of fitted caps with [suits] and ballet flats. That mashup is impeccable, and we saw some of that peeking through last fall, and now it's taken on a life of its own.
"As a sneaker lover and comfort sneakers, bringing back flats is just a reimagination of past trends with a fresh twist.”
What color(s) is on Helecia’s fall mood board: “Hands down, red! It's such a bold and bossy color. Now, we see it becoming much more accessible in fashion and realize how easy it is to style and incorporate into a look for that extra pop. It also pairs well with so many other shades and tones. Some of my favorite combos are red and burgundy, red and yellow, and red and brown. Even if you aren't fully convinced that it's the color of the season and still have reservations about it, you can go classic and incorporate it in an accessory or makeup like a red lip.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? “I will be returning and recycling all of my 2023 fall wardrobe and just styling it differently or giving it new life. Despite my love for trends, I've curated a wardrobe that I love so I will mix the old in with the new. And not to toot my own horn but a lot of my fashion moments are ahead of the times and still very relevant for this upcoming fall. Expect to see tons of texture, juxtaposition, unexpected color combos, and street style.”
How Helecia is accessorizing this season: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is bold jewelry, particularly in gold. I've realized that accessories can do wonders, and the Schiaparelli era has me shook. I am a ‘Stan’ of Shop Khoi, a Black-owned jewelry brand that creates some of the most amazing, high-quality fashion jewelry. It just sets off any outfit no matter how simple it may be and easily becomes a conversation piece.”
Courtney Blackwell, New York City
Courtney’s style in three words: “Vintage, oversize, and sexy.”
Courtney’s most anticipated fall fashion items: “The fashion item I am anticipating wearing is vintage leather in all colors!”
Courtney's color picks for fall: “Cherry reds, forest greens, and different shades of gray.”
The trend that has Courtney in a chokehold this season: “Skirts! I’ve never been a skirt girly, well mini skirts girly, but I think I’m going to step it up with the minis this fall.”
Shaniqua Jordan, New York City
Timeless
Shaniqua’s personal styling tip for fall: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is any oversized outerwear piece, especially oversized blazers. And as basic as it may sound, I can't get enough of them. They instantly elevate any look, and they're so versatile, whether I'm going for a polished vibe or something more casual. Plus, they are perfect for layering as the weather cools down.
"I know most people wouldn't typically opt for suede, but if you've been following my style, you know I'm all about my outerwear. I love adding texture to my looks, even if it's subtle, and a good suede jacket does that for me. The soft texture and rich hues of suede add that cherry on top for any fall look. Whether I'm rocking a bomber style in a jewel tone or a tailored trench in a neutral shade, a suede jacket is one piece I'm looking forward to wearing to elevate my fall wardrobe.”
These colors are all over Shaniqua’s fall mood board: “The colors on my fall mood board are rich earth tones like deep browns and olive greens paired with classic neutrals like camel and cream. I'd like to throw in a pop of butter yellow. I know it might seem more spring-like, but I love how it pairs with deep browns, oxblood, and even grays. It's the perfect way to brighten up those cozy, moody fall vibes. I'm also loving pops of bold jewel tones like emerald and burgundy to add a bit of luxe to the season. These shades give that cozy yet elevated feel I'm always aiming for in my fall wardrobe.”
Shaniqua describes her fall wardrobe in three words: “If I describe my fall wardrobe in three words, they would be chic, layered, and timeless. I love combining unique pieces with a classic touch, creating looks that stand out without trying too hard. It's all about finding that perfect balance between staying true to timeless fashion and adding my own signature flair.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? "I am definitely an outfit repeater, so not only will I bring back pieces from my 2023 fall wardrobe, but I also have so many oldies but goodies that I’ll be incorporating into my fall 2024 looks. I think that's what really helps convey my personal style; buying pieces I genuinely love and being able to work them into my style season after season. It's all about longevity and staying true to what I love."
Alasia Allen, Los Angeles
Provocative
Alasia describes her style in three words: “Opulent, sleek, provocative.”
The fashion item Alasia anticipates wearing the most this fall: “I’m really into gloves this season. Whether it’s biker style or long, sleek, leather gloves, they add an interesting take to a fall look.”
The fall colors catching Alasia’s eye: “I’m loving navy or a super deep purple this season so I’ll be adding those into my wardrobe. They’re both so sophisticated and a good alternative to black.”
The fall staple Alaisa plans to bring back from her 2023 wardrobe: “Every year, I wear a shearling coat. It’s timeless, it’s warm, it’s my thing. There’s something very elevating about shearlings that have drawn to me year after year, and that’s what makes them my favorite style of outwear.”
The accessory that has Alasia in a chokehold this season: “Boots. I love a good boot as my go-to accessory for the fall/winter season. My favorites are boots that have a little flair to them and an interesting shape.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy
Here's Why Taylor Russell's Red Carpet Style Is Unmatched
Taylor Russell is an actor-model-director-baddie who has quickly become a favorite of fashion enthusiasts. With her unique style and edgy attitude, Russell is making waves on both the red carpet and the streets.
Beginning her professional acting career in 2012, Taylor Russell made her debut in a minor role on the CW medical drama series Emily Owens, M.D. She further showcased her talent in the 2014 Lifetime television film The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story and the Disney XD television film Pants on Fire.
Russell's acting repertoire extends beyond these roles, as she has notably portrayed characters in critically acclaimed films such as Bones and All (2022), Waves (2019), and The Heart Still Hums (2020). Her background in dance has influenced her acting style, and she began acting professionally as a teenager after taking an acting class. With her diverse experiences and impressive performances, Taylor Russell has established herself as a versatile and talented actress and director in the entertainment industry.
Best of all, the Canadian-born actress' red carpet looks are often daring and experimental. She is not afraid to take risks, and she often wears pieces that are unexpected and unconventional.
In her street style, Taylor is more relaxed and casual, but she still manages to look effortlessly chic. She often wears oversized clothing, such as baggy jeans and hoodies, but she always adds a touch of glamour with her accessories. For example, she might pair a simple T-shirt and jeans with a designer handbag and a pair of statement earrings.
Taylor's unique style has made her a muse for fashion designers and stylists. She has been featured in numerous magazines, and she has walked the runway for some of the biggest names in fashion. It is clear that Taylor is a star on the rise, and her fashion journey is sure to be one to watch.
Let’s run back some of our favorite looks that solidify the actress as a fashion icon.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images