Having a desire to date and having the ability to do so (successfully), are two entirely different things. At least, this is what I'm finding for myself and the ton of baggage that comes with my desire to date.
This is a mind f*ck to me because each time I think I've checked my full-size luggage worth of sh*t and feel that I may be in a productive place, it's like a bad episode of Punk'd. "Gotcha B*tch...not today," is what Ashton Kutcher would say in this wild ass episode.
My desire and willingness to have a romantic life are not necessarily one and the same; that is the other thing I'm learning. Although externally I have the willingness piece to this down pat, I'm not so sure my subconscious feels the same level of readiness. What I will disclose is this: there has been some level of growth because prior to this time in my life, I wouldn't have the awareness to catch myself. But now I can say without a doubt, "It's me, not you." I've gained so much wisdom in the two years it's been since I dated; enough to know that in the past, I let a few good catches slip away due to my own shittiness and inability to hold myself accountable.
For so many years, I've been pushing potential baes away and I've never been called out on it because I could always make it pretty and justifiable (one guy actually licked the plate at the restaurant), but in some cases there was no real probable cause. In fact, I have only concluded that these four reasons are undeniably why I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to finding someone I can cuff. By me, I mean us ladies because I'm positive that I'm not alone.
Stingy About Your Time.
I know people like to say be mindful of who you give your time and energy to – this is true. But of that same token, my rule of thumb for any and everyone in my life is "you make time for what you choose to make time for." That shouldn't be any different for me, but I like to make an exception for myself. I find myself cutting conversations short and limiting quality time to whenever I'm bored enough to be bothered.
I think my newfound awareness may be God's way of putting the skills I learned on the sidelines to the test and seeing if I'm willing to do the work when He has answered my prayers.
Will you still want love when I send it to you if it doesn't look the way you thought it would? Are you still that person? Are you that hard-headed?
This is what God is speaking to me and so I will speak back with action, showing my willingness to keep doing the work he put in front of me. And I'll continue to do so regardless of what man is or is not in my life.
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