12 Men Told Me What They Love So Much About Vaginas
Although I don’t talk about it much on here, I actually have a platform for Black men, one that I’m about to expand. I come from a Black man. I loved my daddy dearly. Some of my favorite people are Black men. And I don’t believe you can be authentically pro-Black without factoring in Black men. Plus, misandry drives me totally up the wall, so there’s that. And if you factor all of this in along with what I do for a living (work with couples), I end up talking to men a lot. And I mean, A LOT.
Whenever the topic of sex comes up and one of them either damn near goes in while trying to explain what made an experience super mind-blowing, or they share some of the out-of-character things that they did in order to keep a particular woman in their life, something that I will oftentimes ask is, “Lawd, is coochie really that good?" And it never — and I do mean NEVER — fails. Every single time, no matter who the guy is or what the context of the question may be, the answer is always a resounding “Yes!”
From a physical standpoint, when I asked a friend what viscous innards (which is what I’ve heard some guys use to get around saying the “p” word) feels like from a physical standpoint, he paused for a minute and said, “It’s pretty hard to define. Probably the best way to explain it is if you run your tongue along the inside of one of your cheeks. And even that doesn’t do it justice.”
I tried it, and while it did offer me more perspective than I’ve probably ever had about it (from a man’s perspective), I decided to ask several guys to share their thoughts on basically why someone in my world once said, “You girls are sitting on a million dollars and giving it away for a Happy Meal.” With middle names leading the way, here are 12 men who tried their damndest to explain why vaginas, in their eyes, are one of the best things…EVER.
1. William. 31. Married for Three Years.
“Men who say they don’t know when a woman is faking are men who suck at sex. My favorite thing about a vagina is how it involuntarily reacts to stimulation. Its wetness. Its warmth. The way it clutches onto my penis whenever a woman is about to orgasm. It's wild. And then when my wife had our baby, and that same vagina birthed my daughter? Something that brings life in the bedroom and delivery room? Vaginas deserve a standing ovation on an hourly basis.”
2. Christopher. 27. Single.
“Wow. I’ve never been asked this before. Let me think…I think my favorite thing is how comforting a vagina is. Like the moment you enter it, it’s warm, wet, snug — like your penis is getting a hug, and because it’s so sensitive, it’s an erotic hug. Call it corny if you want to, but vaginas make a man feel safe, like no matter what, everything is gonna be alright with the world. Why do you think we run to them when we are stressed out and sh-t?”
3. Prince. 44. Married for 11 Years.
“It’s really sad how so many of the ones with vaginas and then ones who are fortunate to partake of them seem to treat them as nothing more than recreational use. I can only imagine how excited God was at the mere thought of introducing a woman’s body to a man after he vowed to not just enjoy it but protect it — for the rest of his life. Because I’m married, without going too much into detail, what I will say is, if you really value how amazing a vagina is, you’ll get why you should be married to someone who owns one before being worthy of having it. That’s how marvelous it is.”
4. Cal. 36. Single.
“You never know what you’re gonna get. It’s like Christmas. Some are meaty, some are bony. Some have hair, and others don’t. Some have full lips, some thin. Some taste sweeter than others. Some have huge clitorises, and others have ones that are barely there. Some are super tight, and there are those that are a bit looser. It’s exciting every time, and no matter what is going on, you’re gonna find something that you love about all of ‘em. Guys who say that it’s all just p-ssy are liars. The variety is what makes vaginas exceptional. Love that sh-t!”
5. Rogerson. 27. Been in a Long-Term Relationship for One Year.
“There’s nothing like the taste of a [healthy] vagina. It’s got a ‘barely there’ flavor to it that’s subtle but interesting enough that you never want to stop tasting it. And then, because it’s attached to a woman who enjoys it? A guy who won’t go down on you is stupid as f-ck because giving a woman pleasure in that way is like a drug. Hell, when I found out that there are probiotics up in there too? [His partner’s name] will tell you that I probably like to go down on her more than she wants me to. I have an oral fixation for her vagina — there’s nothing that even comes close to how it makes me feel. Let me call her and see what’s up now. Sh-t.”
6. Maxwell. 30. Single.
“I think my favorite thing about a vagina is how much it has in common with the penis: If you’re not cut [he means circumcised], both have foreskin. Both grow when aroused. Both have thousands of nerve endings. Vaginas and penises have so much in common that it’s kind of hilarious that men and women have as much conflict as they do. It’s like sex reminds them, ‘What is all the BS about? You were made to get along. Relax.”
7. Ethen. 39. Engaged One Year.
“Has anyone said how fun it is to figure out what a woman’s favorite kind of orgasm is? With us, there are two speeds: ejaculation and orgasm. Yes, ladies, sometimes we just nut, other times our toes curl. Anyway, for the most part, that’s it for fellas. For women, orgasms are like Baskin Robbins because there are so many ways to make you experience pleasure. That alone makes vaginas a very complex and challenging thing. Many men like challenges…”
8. Azriel. 25. Single.
“I like that you will never get a response out of a woman like you will when you are in her vagina. Whether it’s your mouth, fingers, or YOU, there is a version of her that shows up that you will never see otherwise. I also like how it feels totally different from any other type of her body. Yeah, God was all up in his bag the day he came up with those. Nothing like it in the world. Never has been, never will be.”
9. Zeke. 30. Been in a Long-Term Relationship for Two Years.
“Funny you would ask me this because I was just thinking about this a couple of days ago. We, as men, get bored quickly — I don’t just mean when it comes to women but with life, in general. Know what never gets boring? VAGINAS. No matter how many times you’ve seen one, tasted one, experienced one, you want another go at it. And don’t let it be attached to a dope-ass lady.
"Some of y’all need to get off of TikTok and talk to some actual men. Men don’t cheat because they need new vagina; they cheat because the person with the vagina isn’t working for them. You get someone who likes sex as much as you do and is a peace-filled person — you ain’t gettin’ tired of her or HER. Vaginas were designed to infinitely hold your attention.”
10. Quest. 31. Married for Six Months.
“This is a two-part question because there are vaginas, and then there’s your vagina. Back when I was out here in these streets, what I liked about vaginas was the fact that they are one of the few things that can give you just as much pleasure as you’re giving. I think that’s what makes sex so addicting — you’ve got something that gives and receives crazy pleasure, and so does your partner. And since nothing else even comes close, there lies the hamster wheel.
"Once you get married, though, the vagina that is being shared with no one else becomes almost like a sanctuary. You can run to it knowing that it wants to nurture you — and that creates a level of fulfillment that doesn’t come from being in multiples. Married vagina is where it’s at. You gotta be married to get that, though.”
11. Milo. 42. Recently Engaged.
“Some vaginas feel like you’re visiting while other ones make you feel like you’re at home. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes you will experience one, and it just…fits. A lot of men won’t tell women this, but we factor that in when it comes to who we want to commit to. You can have some of the best stuff in the world, but if it doesn’t make us want to just fall asleep in there, we’ll keep looking. The vagina that you can commit to isn’t just about technique — it has a look, taste, and feeling that is hard to find anywhere else. That’s how I feel about my bae’s. It’s unmatched.”
12. Vernon. 33. Married for Three Years.
“When a woman lets you enter into something as majestic as her vagina, there are no words. Women like to make fun of guys who come quick, but all I ever think is, ‘Yeah, you try staying inside of you for 30 minutes!” The softness, the warmness, the wetness, and then add some movement to it? Vaginas have a power that money, status, and fame will never bring a man. That’s why women should use it wisely, and men should be selective who they enter into. Vaginas have a way of altering people, whether they choose to admit it or not. The wild thing is, I totally believe that they were designed to.”
_____
There you have it — 12 guys sharing what damn near renders them speechless when it comes to our va-jay-jays. It’s enough praise to get off of this thing and do some vaginal mapping, sex journaling, and/or rethinking about if you’re giving your vagina to someone who truly deserves it or not…because these guys have just confirmed that not everyone is worthy, chile. NO, NOT. AT. ALL.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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