So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the site entitled, "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP". I'm pretty sure that you can tell from the title that I'm not particularly a fan of faking it. In fact, back in my "getting it in" days, I would have no problem letting a guy know that if he needed more motivation (cue Kelly Rowland) to get me to where I wanted to go. I was down for that more than acting like he was doing what needed to be done. Still, between all of the counseling that I do, the conversations that I've had and the research that I've done, I am more than just a little bit aware that a whopping 80 percent of women have faked orgasms and 1 out of 4 guys do it too (just because a man ejaculates, that doesn't mean he climaxed; that's another topic for another time, though).
Taking all of this intel into account, I figured that now would be just a good of a time as any to ask some women why they opt to fake it because, as you're about to see, as with most things in life, faking orgasms isn't really a simple black-and-white or cut-and-dried issue. Not by a long shot.
(By the way, I didn't go by middle names this time. The women chose the names themselves. Due to the sensitivity of the topic, I'm pretty sure you can understand why.)
Gayle, 33. Single.
"I'm gonna be real with you — I fake most of the time because while the men I'm having sex with tell me how good my stuff is, I'm usually not all that impressed with their performance. So, the quickest and easiest way to bring intercourse to a close is to fake it. Otherwise, they'll get to the point of releasing, only to pull out and the cycle starts all over again. Who has time for that?"
Mya. 24. Engaged.
"My issue is there's only one man who has made me cum and it's not my fiancé. And when I cum, girl? It is loud, long, and ugly! Not only that but it takes some pretty, let's go with unconventional thinking, to really get me there and I'm uncomfortable sharing what those acts are with my man. I think it's just easier to fake it than to fully expose myself like that. Also, I've been faking for this long that if my man knew that, I'd be in for some long discussions that I don't want to have. At least not yet."
Leeyah. 28. Married.
"My deal is that I cum, every time, with oral sex. My hubby is the master at that. His stroke? Not so much. He's kind of sensitive about his sexual performance overall and so I figure, so long as I gets mine one way or another, faking can't hurt. Can it?"
Bethaney. 40. Divorced.
"What's crazy is a part of the reason why I'm divorced now is because I used to fake it with my husband. For years, I would, and then, one vacation, he hit my spot…girl, he hit my spot! Because I hadn't reacted quite that way before, he was like, 'Hold up. Have you been faking it all this time?' which led to conversations about trust which opened up Pandora's box about a whole lot of issues. Faking it is a complicated thing."
Angelia. 27. Dating.
"I've been faking it, pretty much ever since I lost my virginity. With the first guy, I didn't know what the hell was going on; all I knew was my friends were always talking about how great orgasms felt and so I thought there would be something wrong with me if I didn't 'play the role.' Then, it just kinda stuck. I do enjoy sex a lot but to this day, I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm before. I'm so used to faking it that it's just…a part of who I am."
Jasmina. 45. Married.
"Chile, fake it until you make it — that's my motto! See, I have a system. My husband gets off on me getting off and so, the more I fake having an orgasm from intercourse, the more he'll give me head, and [the] head is what actually gets me there. So, technically, do I even qualify for this interview? Anyway, if any of your readers find themselves in the same boat, I highly recommend my strategy. Faking one way can get you just what you want in other ways."
Eryn. 36. Divorced.
"My reason is probably not a very surprising one. I don't really have sex for the orgasms. I like the intimacy and closeness. I actually can go months without having sex and be just fine with it. But I know men like to feel like they've 'shook the floor,' so I'll fake it so that I can cuddle once it's over. Might sound sad but it's fine with me."
Gem. 35. Dating.
"This is gonna sound weird but it's my truth. There is a man who I've been having sex with for over a decade now. We're long-distance. We don't really want the same things out of life. Real talk, we're not all that compatible except for in the bedroom. There, he's my soulmate. I've been used to having great sex with him for so long that I think there's a 'block' when it comes to me and other men because no matter how hard they try — we both try — I just can't seem to get there with anyone but him. So, I fake it because I don't want to share what I just told you with anyone. I've gotten so used to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore."
Zen. 47. Married.
"OK, I don't fake it all of the time. Well, yes and no. I fake quickies. When you're married and parenting and busy, you don't always have 30 minutes for real foreplay and intercourse. To keep my husband satisfied, I'll oblige a couple of quickies a week to boost his confidence and yes, I'll act like he's blowing my entire back out. Then, when we have time to really get it in, I'll have real orgasms. I'm not sure if he can tell the difference and I sure as hell ain't gonna ask him."
Nina. 39. Dating.
"I don't fake having orgasms; I fake having multiple orgasms. If a man thinks that he can give you those from the start, girl, you will have his ego soaring so much that he'll be down to do whatever you want to do — in and out of the bedroom. So, the first round, I'll shake, yell 'n everything and then when I'm like 'lick my ass,' he's down for it because he wants to see me cum again and again. Faking has some real upsides. You've just gotta know how to work the program." (She literally winked at me after she said it.)
Like I said, faking it has layers and while it's still not something that I'm personally down to do, I get the method behind the madness and the psyche of some. That said, if you've got some other reasons for why you think faking orgasms can work in a woman's favor, please drop it into the comments. The more we all hear each other out, the more we can learn how to be more honest — at least with ourselves. Right?
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy